real-shul-stories

[real-shul-stories]

lamb for the seder

This was a call that my coworker took (so I can only record fragments of it based on their account).

Caller opened with “we're doing our first passover this year. Am I allowed to eat the lamb?”

Bewildered, my coworker said “the lamb…” and the caller said “we’re not Jewish, but can we still eat the lamb? and how does one go about slaughtering it?”

My coworker replied, “we don’t…? slaughter a lamb...? There's lamb on the seder plate, but it's symbolic. most Jews don’t even eat lamb at the seder, we do brisket or chicken. And anyway if you’re not Jewish the rules wouldn’t apply to you?? what??”

My coworker asked where the caller got this info, and they said “the holy bible.” (where, to be fair, it does actually say you have to eat the whole lamb). My coworker went “oh boy” and told them they should try reading a haggadah to get a sense of what the seder is actually about in modern times. The caller started quoting various new testament books and my coworker kept repeating that we don’t have those.

The caller went on to ask “but how do we give glory to Him?” “To… whom?” “To god.” “To god…..” “To Yeshua.” “aha”. My coworker asked if any Jewish people would be attending this seder and the caller said no.

Finally, my coworker gave up and said “Okay, so I’m happy to give you tips, but I do want you to know that what you’re doing is religious appropriation. I know you don’t mean to be disrespectful, but it’s actually very disrespectful to take one of our traditions, which is sacred to us, and celebrate it in a way that is unrecognizable to us. Imagine if I was to celebrate Easter without any belief in Jesus. How would that make you feel? I obviously can’t stop you from living your life, but I do hope you’ll consider that what you’re doing is disrespectful to us.”

I don’t know if they were convinced not to put on a seder, but they did seem to understand the Easter analogy.

EDIT: this call does have a happy ending, they called back to say that on reflection they understand why it's disrespectful to have a christian seder, and asked if it would be okay to attend a seder a jewish person is putting on/invited them to instead. all's well that ends well :)

[real-shul-stories]

we got a weird one boys

[real-shul-stories]

“I’m going to be visiting town later this week and I was wondering if anyone there would be interested in purchasing a Megillat Esther? It was made by my son, who is a scribe in Israel.”

- person calling from Canada

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Call from a nonmember, non-jew who asked for the senior rabbi directly for help with a conundrum. I told him it was her day off but that one of us might be able to answer his question.

He said that he is looking for a rabbi’s help with solving a problem with his Jewish neighbors: they have been invading his privacy and basically stalking him for a while. They are the new owners of the house behind him, and his windows line up such that they have a clear view of his house through the back window. He said his neighbors were basically always watching him, and it isn’t just him - he also has a couple of housesitters who have reported the neighbors spying on them (doubly uncomfortable as the housesitters are women).

I asked if he’d tried closing his blinds, and he said he had just remodeled & landscaped his backyard and wants to be able to enjoy it without worrying about his nosy neighbors.

The reason he was calling a synagogue was because he wanted to know if there was anything he could do to persuade his neighbors to knock it off from a Jewish perspective. He sounded like he’d done some research and learned that excessive nosiness is frowned on in Judaism, and he wanted a rabbi’s authority to put weight on what he’d found.

I told him we’d be unlikely to be able to do anything about it (he is having a civil issue and not a religious one) but that he should try talking to someone with authority in civil spheres (police, a lawyer, etc)

[real-shul-stories]

Caller: “I have an original question.”

She went on to ask if our newsletter had a classified section in which she could advertise selling her car.

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Guy comes to the door with kippa, beard, and peyos, so i let him in. He asks where minchah is. I tell him we just have morning minyan. He looks around, gesturing, "so what is this building meant to be?"

[real-shul-stories]

Call from one of our members who said her daughter would be having a baby soon. She wanted to know if we had any members living in their zip code with a teenage daughter.

The specificity struck me as odd so I asked why they wanted to know. Our member answered that her daughter was hoping to hire a middle or high school girl to help out with the baby during odd hours.

#luckily no one in that zip code has children but even if they did i probably would have lied and said no #bc what the fuck!!!!!!!!!

[real-shul-stories]

A man called whose first question was “is this a synagogue?” When I confirmed that we’re a synagogue, he went on to say that he is looking to become a different religion. He said he used to be Catholic, which wasn’t odd on its own, but then he said “You have to be from Jerusalem to be Jewish, right?” When I told him that Jewish people can be from anywhere, he asked if coming to services here would make him Jewish. (it won't)

He asked for the shul’s email address to send questions, so I gave it to him. He sent us an email consisting of one line: “I want to join the church to learn about God's religion and go to heaven.”

[real-shul-stories]

Call from someone who said he’d spoken with me last week. He went on to say he had come in from out of town, was at “Friday services,” and spoke with “Rabbi Moskowitz,” so I stopped him and asked if he had the right synagogue, since we have neither friday services nor a Rabbi Moskowitz.

He laughed when he realized that he had called a Beth Shalom in the wrong city, but said he should really make time to come visit us since he actually lives in a city not too far away. (so, his google results probably just came back with the closest Beth Shalom to him)

[real-shul-stories]

second update on this guy: he sent a third email to my coworkers, asking his same question, and seems to have excluded me from the "to" list.

my coworker is giving him a scathing answer followed by a "we're done talking to you. accept that you are wrong about this and stop wasting our time."

email from a rando

"Why is [the tetragrammaton] pronounced as 'Adonai' rather than 'YAHWEH' as written ?

I see nowhere in the Law & Prophets where the name YAHWEH is NOT to be said, but rather, to be revered and hallowed. Please show me where I can find the references in the LAW of Moses and prophets where it is prohibited to pronounce the name YAHWEH." _____________

the actual explanation is that during the second temple period (so, after the above mentioned books were written) laypeople were forbidden from pronouncing the name of god. only the high priest could say it aloud, and only once a year at the temple. people used the word 'adonai' (my lord) as a substitute.

after the temple was destroyed, the actual pronunciation of the tetragrammaton was lost to history. the prohibition against pronouncing the name remains. for some observant people 'adonai' is now too holy to be said aloud outside prayers, and hashem (the name) is used instead.

[real-shul-stories]

"It's catchup day, and I don't even have any burgers or fries to go with it."

call from an elderly member who had gotten a little behind on her dues

[real-shul-stories]

caller: I have a weird question me: try me caller: Do you know where I can find replacement bulbs for an electric menorah? me: how big are they… her: They’re little and they look like little flames. It says “fits most menorah bulbs”. My son got me this menorah but it didn’t come with any bulbs. Can you imagine? It’s the festival of lights and the thing doesn’t come with bulbs. me: oh, well if it didn’t come with any does it say what kind it takes? her: Oh. Let’s look at the package. [silence while she checks] It says it takes C7 bulbs. me, googling it: Oh, those look like normal night light bulbs. you can probably get those at any hardware store. just ask for C7s. her: oh, okay. Thank you. I tried calling a couple of places but they just said “what’s a menorah”

[real-shul-stories]

update on this guy: I had replied to him with the above explanation but never got a reply.

Today we get another email from him with the same text as the original, but this time there was an extra line that said "I know that the Jews by rabbinic tradition, custom and the Mishna do not pronounce the name YAHWEH, but I'm asking where in the Mosaic LAW and prophets it says that it is forbidden as specified in Is 8:20."

so, he clearly read my email but decided to ignore the possibility that he could be wrong. lovely

email from a rando

"Why is [the tetragrammaton] pronounced as 'Adonai' rather than 'YAHWEH' as written ?

I see nowhere in the Law & Prophets where the name YAHWEH is NOT to be said, but rather, to be revered and hallowed. Please show me where I can find the references in the LAW of Moses and prophets where it is prohibited to pronounce the name YAHWEH." _____________

the actual explanation is that during the second temple period (so, after the above mentioned books were written) laypeople were forbidden from pronouncing the name of god. only the high priest could say it aloud, and only once a year at the temple. people used the word 'adonai' (my lord) as a substitute.

after the temple was destroyed, the actual pronunciation of the tetragrammaton was lost to history. the prohibition against pronouncing the name remains. for some observant people 'adonai' is now too holy to be said aloud outside prayers, and hashem (the name) is used instead.

#update

[real-shul-stories]

update on this one: this guy called again today and started giving me his spiel, but I remembered him and asked if he’d called a few weeks ago. He said this time he was looking for money for a bus ticket to get to a different synagogue. I told him we didn’t have the resources to help non-members right now (we don’t).

Like yeah sure of course we’re going to want to financially help the guy who called us fake Jews and worse than goyim not that long ago. uh huh. Sure buddy

Antisemitism from inside the house

I'm reposting this one from my main, so if you follow me both places you've read this story before.

Major, major content warning for antisemitism, misogyny, racism, & homophobia

Call from a self described chasidic Polish man (and he had the accent so I assumed he was legit.). Says he recently moved to the area and is looking for a synagogue that aligns with his political views (never a good sign). he says, “i went to a synagogue around here, and they had female rabbi, they had homosexuals, they had sephardim, they had goyim. tell me you aren’t like that.”

and i said, trying not to grit my teeth, “well we are the synagogue with 2 female rabbis, a large lgbt community, and a bunch of sephardic folks, so uhhh I don’t think we’re what you’re looking for, but maybe try [orthodox shul down the road]?”

somehow this does not deter him! a normal person would have hung up, but not this guy! he goes on to kvetch about his struggles to find a shul here, and gets increasingly racist and homophobic as he goes. 

He tried talking to me in Yiddish and asked why I couldn’t understand what he said if I was Jewish. He then asked if I was Ashkenazi, and when I said yes, he blessed me in Hebrew, saying his father said to bless all Ashkenazim. He mentioned being of proud Ashkenazi heritage and said his father taught him that “third-world trash” shouldn’t be allowed in Judaism, or in Europe, or in America. “Ashkenazi are the real Jews,” he informed me, “Sephardi, mizrahi—they are fake. They are no better than slaves for us, the real Jews.” With each outrageous claim he was expecting me to agree with him as if it’s just “natural” for “real” jews to behave this way

I finally say to him “okay, so, I don’t think we, the local gay synagogue, can help you.” to which he responds “if you allow women rabbi and l-g-b-t you’re not real jews, you’re fake, you’re worse than goyim.” so i hung up on him

the kicker: he mentioned that everywhere he goes people are “mean to him” and “treat him like idiot for being dumb, because he’s not very smart” (his words) and i was sitting there like. is it maybe possible people are mean to you because you’re a racist asshole?

i know chasidim hate women and lgbt folk, that’s nothing new to me, but this was my first time hearing such raw hatred for non-ashkenazi (i.e. white european) jews. i was simply dumbfounded. i should’ve asked him if he knew that racist jews like him are the reason we don’t have a temple anymore

#update

[real-shul-stories]

Call from a self-identified Catholic: “Can I ask a dumb question because I’m extremely ignorant?”

Me: … try me.

Her: I’m working on my Christmas cards this year, and I have a few Jewish friends I’d like to send them to (but not very many). I was wondering - would a snow globe be offensive to send to Jewish people? The holiday stamps this year are snow globes and I don’t want to offend my Jewish friends.

Me: Snowglobes are just fine, as long as it’s not like, santa or crosses or anything. General winter things are fine. (also we probably won’t notice or care about a christmas stamp on a christmas card but i didnt say this out loud)

Her: oh good, some of them have like bears and deer. I was so worried, you know - I grew up conservative catholic, and if you heard the things the priests were saying about Jewish people you wouldn’t believe it. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I got to college and was like “Oh my god”

Me: Well. we appreciate you being considerate :)

[real-shul-stories]

Guy comes to the door with flowers to show his solidarity with the Jewish community, but gets agitated when I ask his name. Since it’s hard to hear over traffic I let him in. He comes in and gives us the flowers, but then expresses frustration that the synagogue is acting so “hostile”.

He pointed out that he didn’t used to have to go through locked double doors and answer questions at synagogues and couldn’t figure out what changed. He said the other synagogue near here was the same way and he was miffed that 2 people had to come meet him at the door. And i was like. The flowers and increased security are connected…. connect the dots with your mind…

[real-shul-stories]

email from a rando

"Why is [the tetragrammaton] pronounced as 'Adonai' rather than 'YAHWEH' as written ?

I see nowhere in the Law & Prophets where the name YAHWEH is NOT to be said, but rather, to be revered and hallowed. Please show me where I can find the references in the LAW of Moses and prophets where it is prohibited to pronounce the name YAHWEH." _____________

the actual explanation is that during the second temple period (so, after the above mentioned books were written) laypeople were forbidden from pronouncing the name of god. only the high priest could say it aloud, and only once a year at the temple. people used the word 'adonai' (my lord) as a substitute.

after the temple was destroyed, the actual pronunciation of the tetragrammaton was lost to history. the prohibition against pronouncing the name remains. for some observant people 'adonai' is now too holy to be said aloud outside prayers, and hashem (the name) is used instead.