raw-ugh

[raw-ugh]

February 18, 2020

DAMNNNNNN its been a long ass time since i last wrote on here. A LOT has changed. sooooo i have a new boy (shocker). we’ve known of each other for awhile now but we didn’t become friends until i started my new job back in august. since we work together we started talking more and getting closer. we also go to the same school so that’s how we knew of each other. i thought he was cute for awhile and we would flirt here and there but it was nothing serious and kinda oblivious flirting. we started talking more towards the end of me and the last boy i was basically dating back towards the end of november. we hung out in the beginning of december and he went out to the bar with another coworker of ours and got drunk and he kissed me while we were both drunk. it was very unexpected but i liked it. he ended up sleeping over and it was very innocent. we were talking pretty much daily for a week or two before this happened as friends and after that night. after that night we started hanging out more and whenever we would get drunk we would be real flirty and kiss and be cute. he wasn’t sure if i liked him or if i was just being that way with him because i was drunk. we never really brought any of that stuff up for awhile. then that guy i had a thing with for months graduated and he invited me to his graduation party. i left him on read. i didn’t want to go because i had some resentment towards him like just wondering why he would put in so much effort just for me to be another girl he was fucking, ya know? then comes the day of his grad party and he sends me the info for his party again. i left him on read again. i had been talking to my current boy all day the day of his grad party and he was going since he’s his frat brother. then i was considering going just because i wanted to see my boy. then the guy who’s grad party it was messaged me a little later and asked if i was coming. i told him maybe because i had work early the next morning. i ended up going. i was with my current boy all night and my old boy was getting a little jealous. i had heard he was upset because i was talking to all his friends and not him, but i was mad why would i want to talk to him after he played me like that? but anyway shortly after his party, me and my current boy hung out and he came over and we baked cookies and talked and he told me he liked me and i told him i liked him too. a few days later we went to the city and spent the whole day together and it was really cute. my feelings for him were getting stronger by the day. then he went to mexico to study abroad for 2 weeks and i went on a cruise for a week during the same time as his trip. he still made an effort to talk to me every day even though he was in mexico. when he came back, we hung out and it was so cute. then school started and he started sleeping over a bunch. we had never done anything sexual until he started sleeping over. we still haven’t had sex but he’s fingered me and ate me out and sucks on my titties, which i love. but one thing i find weird is that whenever i go to touch his dick he always seems to move my hand and says “you’re funny” and i’m just like ??? you can do things to me but i can’t do them to you??? it makes no sense. the other night he came over and he kept teasing me and would put his hand in my pants and finger me and lick my pussy and then be like “okay lets go watch the movie” and did that multiple times and i was like ?? you’re acting like we’re gonna have sex but then say “lets go watch the movie” like wtf? i was getting annoyed and made a comment and it was obvious i was annoyed. he kept saying he was sorry and said that he just really doesn’t want to mess anything up because he really likes me. i felt bad. i don’t want to rush him if he’s not ready. i don’t know what his sexual history is like or if he hasn’t really had much sex and he’s scared that he won’t be good or something but awhile ago when we were talking about a tv show and the character only lasted 8 seconds i straight up told him that practice makes perfect. no one is just good at sex the first few times they have it. it takes practice. and it’s always different having sex with a new person. you gotta get used to the person and know what they like. sex is always better when there’s feelings involved and the feelings are mutual. one night we had a conversation and he told me that he compares himself to my old boy since he knows about it. it broke my heart. they’re completely different people and they can’t even be compared. he’s so much better tho. i’m so comfortable with him and i can be my authentic self around him. he never makes me question how he feels about me. although it does kinda bother me that things are still kinda secretive. like obviously there are a lot of people who know about us and i’m not saying that everybody needs to know because they don’t but i guess i just wanna be shown off a little. for the longest time my toxic ex stopped showing me off. the guy i was with for months never showed me off. then the last guy i was with never really showed me off either which is whatever but i guess it would be nice since things feel real with him. back in december a girl we work with started having assumptions about us. she ran her mouth to a bunch of people at our job about us trying to figure things out. we work with his mom and she even asked his mom about us which i think is ridiculous. other people we work with also said that we would be a cute couple. he also spent valentine’s day together and it was cute. and the other day his mom asked him who he worked with and he told her and when he said my name his mom said “oh your girlfriend” then she said “i think i intimidated her the other day” which she did!!!! i had to go over to the side that she works at and give a client’s money to the supervisor but she wasn’t there and his mom was like “well i’m not her and i don’t have the safe soooo” and i was like “ahhhh okay i’m sorry”. her sarcastic tone had me overthinking everything and i was like “she hates me” especially since the first time i met her she was like “nice to meet you i know all about the drunken escapades” and i wanted to die lmao. and then the same day she said those things to him he said she went into his room and said “ya know if i’m gonna be her mother in law she better get used to it” and i was like omg she hates me. then he told me she’s just protective over him he’s her first born blah blah blah. then he said she told him awhile ago that since he’s her baby she’s never gonna like any girl he’s with but like ughhhh that shit is so important to me!!! i really hope that once she knows and gets to know me that will change. he told me he wants to tell her about me. i’m kinda nervous. my mom knows about us a bit because he’s come over to my mom’s house to hang out with me. my dad doesn’t know yet. he probably won’t know for awhile because things gotta be serious before he meets my dad. i know my dad will like him and approve of everything because he is the most wonderful guy and such an upgrade from my ex. my dad hated him. but things seem to be going really good with him and i’m just hoping that they continue to go well. i really like him. okay that’s it. that’s the update in my life. 

[raw-ugh]

december 2, 2019

it’s been awhile but just came here to say that the new boy i likes that things were going so well with? yeah jk we cancelled him today after he told me his ex was moving back in as a roommate to help him with rent.

[raw-ugh]

november 7 2019

it’s 1am. but i just hung out with my cute boy and fuck dude he’s perfect. he puts in so much more effort than the guy i used to like who dragged me on for 8 months. he drives an hour to see me and an hour back home every week. he surprised me with tickets to the lil peep documentary!! he even made plans for us into december! like this boy sees a fucking future with us and it’s only been 3 weeks! his plans for us are on christmas with his friends. that’s over a month away. it makes me so happy (: today when he got here my friend was in the living room so we were in my room just talking for awhile and laughing then we got tacos and beer and took it back to the apartment and then we went to the PSG office and drank and he met some of my friends and they all approved of him and my heart was so happy (: then we went back to my apartment but my roommate was back so we were chillin in the living room and we were gonna watch netflix but since i let him FINALLY touch my butt earlier in the night we got a little carried away 😂 i physically had to put his hands on my ass and afterwards he was like “i’ve been wanting to do that but didn’t know when i could” and i was like ??? the answer is always 😂 but anyways we came back to the apartment and my roommate was home so we were chillin in the living room and things got heated. we were making out with me on top of him and he was feeling on my ass. he asked me to stand up and he started eating my pussy but i told him to move to the floor bc we were in the living room and obviously i didn’t want my roommates to see me getting it on lmfao so i made a barrier with the chairs and he went at it and ate my ass and i actually enjoyed it. it didn’t tickle like when my ex did it. and he fingered me. it was so fucking good. i wish we could have fucked but that time will come soon. SOON!! ugh he’s great. i really really like him. i miss my baby

[raw-ugh]

cute boi

i just wanna talk about him so here it is. he’s so fucking sweet ugh. ever since we hung out he tells me at least once a day that he misses me. i miss him. i can’t wait to see him again on wednesday (: when i was with him last week he repeated something i said and i was like “omg you actually listened” and i was happy about it lol and he was like “of course! you got happy about me doing the bare minimum?” and just like ugh like i never really had a guy pay so much attention and listen to things i say so attentively like he does and i really really like it. another example is i told him i’ve always wanted to go to dubai. the other night i told him my friend has to go back to india and i was sad about it but at least i have an excuse to go to india and he was like “yeah baby then you can go to dubai (:” and i was like ??? you remembered some shit like that?? aw he cute. this is so sad that i’m getting so happy at the fact that he just listens to the things i say lol. and then this morning he told me how much he appreciates me and my heart melted. and over the weekend he went to an apartment crawl with his friends at isu and he was drunk texting me and telling me how much he likes me and misses me and all that cute sappy shit. i loved every second of it. he tells me that he’s proud of me and always wishes me a good day at work and school. i just love how he pays attention. he’s great and i can’t wait to see him on wednesday again (: just the fact that this man drives an hour to spend a few hours with me makes me so happy. (: (: (:

[raw-ugh]

Date on 10/30/19

in my last post i mentioned that i was talking to a new guy and that he was coming to see me at school. it was so fucking cute omg. we went to the pumpkin patch when he first got here and then we got some snacks and carved a pumpkin then we watched netflix and cuddled and then he took me out for dinner (: he was gonna go home right after dinner since its an hour drive back and he had work in the morning but he wanted to stay longer so we came back to my apartment and continued talking and showing each other new music and laughing and cuddling and being cute (: he’s so fucking sweet ugh. we talked a lot and got to know each other a lot more which was nice. there was never really any awkward moments and we got comfortable with each other pretty quickly. after we carved pumpkins we watched netflix in the living room and my roommate was at work and my friend was in her room so we had the living room to ourselves and we cuddled and joked around and he kissed me and he’s so cute ugh. when we got back from dinner my friends were in the living room so we went into my room and thats when we were talking and showing new music and stuff. we were making out and there was so much sexual tension but i controlled myself lol and so did he. like he was on top of me and we were making out and i could literally feel myself dripping. i was so wet. after he left i had to change lol. i really wanted to do more but i feel like this is a good thing that we have going on and i’m not trying to rush into it and i don’t wanna mess it up and have sex right away ya know? i tend to do that and then it never works out lol so hopefully this time is different. it was so cute tho because the whole time that we were together was filled with nothing but smiles and laughs and good conversation and a bunch of kisses (: he’s so sweet ugh. he sends me good morning texts every day and always tells me goodnight and says super sweet things to me all the time (: random little side note but like he gave me his phone and let me have his phone for music and didn’t ask for it or anything like he just freely let me have his phone which i thought was nice like damn this is our first date and he’s letting me be on his phone already? he must not be talking to anyone else lol and i let him have mine too when i went to the bathroom. he took cute pics with me and i loved it. he’s so silly and we just have so much fun together i really like it (: he’s a sap too i love it. the only thing i would change is that i wish he was a better texter. i hate having to wait hours for him to respond but he’s a busy boy and i understand that and he still texts me every day and all that. he’s so cute. i just wanna talk to him all day long lol. but anyway i’m just very happy with this (:

[raw-ugh]

October 26, 2019

it’s been awhile since i’ve posted so here’s a quick update. i got annoyed with how long things were going on with the guy i like and how it was going nowhere. we hung out a couple weeks ago and he was being sketchy about his garbage can so i looked when he showered and saw condoms in it so he was fucking other girls. so after that i stopped talking to him but never said why and if he asks to hang out i’ll say i can’t. he’s been talking to this other girl and spending time with her and i see them on campus all the time so she’s probably who it’s from but whatever. i had a tiny crush on this other guy but then found out my friend likes him so i stopped that real quick but he’s nice to talk to when i’m sad bc he’s sad too and we just try to help each other out. recently i started talking to this new guy and i met him thru one of my friends awhile ago. he’s pretty cute and sweet and even tho it’s an hour long drive he’s coming to visit me at school (: everything with my friends is going well. i love them so so so much and appreciate them more than anything (: school is going pretty good besides my online class bc i always forget about it but i��ll work on it. work is going well too. i finally got to go home which was nice and now i’m back at school and i work in the morning. but that’s pretty much all that’s been going on. just been spending a lot of time with my friends and going out with them and figuring out this whole boy thing but we’ll see what happens with this guy. he was very unexpected but i’m happy that it’s happening (:

[raw-ugh]

Appreciation for the McInerney’s

I love them. i love that whole family. Maddy was very important in my life. It was very hard for me when she passed I can’t even imagine the pain her family will continue to go through. That family has shown me nothing but love. Even to this day, they still show me so much love and support! They make my heart so happy. I love the McInerney family. That is all.

[raw-ugh]

September 18, 2019

today is a weird day. i’ve felt weird all day too. today brings a lot of uncomfortable feelings. today is my abusive ex boyfriends birthday. i’ve felt very cautious and kinda out of it. i’m feeling very vulnerable and sensitive. on another note, in my last post i said i wanted to hang out with the guy i like or at least see him on campus and that has happened. i hung out with him sunday and i slept over and i loved every minute of it. we cuddled and talked for awhile, had really good sex, cuddled and talked for awhile again, and then fell asleep and we just cuddled all night and into the morning. fuck dude. but the other day i hinted that i slept over at his house and my friend was like “yeah you’re not the only one” which made me skeptical. but like why would homie have me sleep over multiple times and literally cuddle me ALL night?? like if he does have other girls sleep over does he hold them and cuddle them all night? if so, that’s sending hella mixed signals. i really didn’t think he was hooking up with other girls but idk after what my friend said. he doesn’t really even know him all that well like they aren’t homies so idk if i should even believe him but idk it still got me questioning it. i saw him tonight at flamingo decorating and we said hi but i was talking to another guy friend at the time and then when he passed by again he walked by kinda slow and was looking at us and i was still talking to my friend. maybe he got jealous? his friend who is also my friend saw me and talked to me and hugged me and was kinda flirty but he wasn’t around to see that. but when my friends and i were leaving the event we saw him and talked real quick. i didn’t really want to see him bc i looked all gross but it’s fine!!! tomorrow is the greek thing and my friends and i are going so i’ll see him which makes me happy but he’s working it like he does every event. i hope i can spend some time with him there tho or over the weekend or something idk ugh why do i wanna hang out with him all the time blah ugh fuck shit UGH!! he told me his last weekend at his one job is next weekend and he’ll have more free time so maybe he told me that to hint that we could hang out more? idk. i think too much into everything. i just wanna have some more real conversations with him and hold his hand while laying on his chest ugh.

[raw-ugh]

September 9, 2019

school started last week. so far its been good. i drank wednesday-friday night. it was wild and my body was in desperate need of a break. then i worked an 8 hour shift saturday and came home and slept well. then i worked another 8 hour shift sunday (yesterday) and came home, showered, and fell asleep. i love my job but sometimes it can be super exhausting. yesterday was just so crazy with all the drama with a couple clients. but aside from that my classes seem to be going well. i mean it is only the 4th day of classes lol but still. today katherine and i did some stuff for active minds like making the budget and reservations and she did the emails and a few other things. when we were making the budget she asked me what i wanted to budget for the spring because i’m gonna be president next semester and thats when it really hit me and watching all the stuff katherine does just made me super overwhelmed and i wonder if i can even do it. i don’t want active minds to disappear after she leaves but its so much work and i applaud her for all that she has done to keep it going but damn dude i’m overwhelmed thinking about it. on another note, i miss him i hate it. i don’t want to like him if its not gonna go anywhere. just 2 weeks ago i was like “haha yeah i’m over him” and then i hung out with him and now i like him again. but i’m so over this confusing shit. i don’t wanna waste any more time but i don’t want him to not be around. fuck. i wanted to hang out with him the other night but he told me he was busy and i got sad but i understood. i’m not mad that he’s a busy man, he’s working for his future and trying to be successful which i know he will be. but i just wanna see him and hang out with him and i hope i can hang out with him or at least SEE him on campus soon or something!!! on top of that i’ve been craving sex so much since i hung out with him last. sex with him is so amazing and i crave it so much after. i’ve literally gone more than a month without having sex with him and it sucked but holy shit this is like torture because i know he is literally like 10 minutes away or he’s on campus right by me. before we were in different states so i got it but like dude come on. i don’t just want sex from him tho. i love our conversations. i just love his company. i used to miss him before but like now that we’re so close to each other i just want him more. its weird because literally 2 weeks ago i didn’t give a shit but now i do. ugh. i always think about him when i’m drunk and my ass is always like “please let him be for me” which yes, that is what i want, but i hate this game or whatever this is. like people know about me dude what are you waiting for ????!!!! his friend literally said “i know he’s your favorite” and another girl at a party saw me dancing with him and whatever and she was like “oh you like him don’t you?” and my drunk ass was like yeah i do lmao. i’m pretty sure i’ve even told him the night of the first party when i went home with him and was super drunk but that was in march. idk i just want us to become something. i’m keeping my options open because i don’t know if this is gonna go anywhere but i don’t want to keep my options open because my ass is like “no one compares he is superior to all you hoes” and i’m annoyed. even if we don’t hang out at his house or whatever i wanna see him on campus and say hi or something. i know i’ll see him at the showcase but thats still 10 days away and i don’t want to wait that long because i’m annoying lmao. but i think that maybe i sent him some mixed signals last time we hung out bc he asked me 4 days in a row to hang out and i said no the first 3 and said yes the 4th day and then i also had a bruise on my chest that was faded but maybe he thought it was a hickey if he even noticed idk and then when he dropped me off i dodged his kiss and went for a hug. jeez i’m annoying lmao. fuck can he ask me to be his girlfriend already. BLAH. UGH. FUCK.  

[raw-ugh]

August 27, 2019

it’s been awhile since i’ve given an update. remember that job i applied for and didn’t think i got bc it was taking forever for them to get back to me? well i got the job!! i started last week and i absolutely love it so far. i love everyone i work with. i’ve only been there a week but they show me so much appreciation already and it is such a good feeling. i love working with the clients. i love making them feel like they’re cared about. i love knowing that i’m making a difference in their lives. i finally feel like i have a purpose in life!! aside from the new job, i move in to school next week and i am so so so excited to be back with my friends!! i’m also excited for school to start. i’ve been sitting on my ass basically all summer until recently when i got the new job and i’m just excited to finally be doing things again. on to another note, the boy. i literally wrote about how i’m basically in love with him and how i want him to be the one for me. while i do want him to be the one for me and i would love to be with him, i’m REALLY losing my patience with the whole situation. it’s been 6 almost 7 months. he asked me to hang out yesterday but then realized we would only have 40 minutes and asked if i wanted to reschedule. i said yeah. the last time we hung out was 2 weeks ago. i want him to give me more attention. maybe that will happen when school starts but now that i have a job and school is about to start i have more distractions and i’m not thinking about him constantly. ive been focusing on myself and my friends lately and i really like that. i’m not so wrapped up in the thought of him like i was which might be a good thing if nothing comes out of this, but i still hope something does. like i said i’m just losing my patience. i just hope that maybe he’ll say something when we hang out next. please god let him say something next time i see him. i don’t want to waste any more time.

[raw-ugh]

August 2, 2019

haley is in town from florida. she’s been in town for a little over a week now. i’m so happy that i get to see her and spend time with her! i only get to see her usually twice a year since she moved which sucks but its nice knowing that i have somewhere to vacation and get crazy with my best friend lol. sadly, she leaves in a few days but i know i’ll see her again. tonight we’re going to the city and getting a hotel with her boyfriend because we wanna go clubbing so i’m looking forward to that. i’ve had a lot of back pain recently and i’ve been extremely emotional. i literally broke down in tears yesterday because i miss my college friends so much like ???? am i okay lol. but i knew that since i had back pain and sore tits and bloating and extremely emotional i was gonna get my period soon. and what do ya know i got it today the night that i’m going out clubbing !!!! fml. but on another note (kinda), cute boy asked if i was gonna be in town this weekend. i told him no but next week and he told me to let him know when i get back. i definitely will but i will not go until i’m no longer bleeding. gotta love being a girl !!! i really wanna go back on birth control. i’m so over having a period. plus no baby scares! we always use a condom but even if i’m a day late i’m like ope im pregnant! but he said he hates condoms and i hate condoms and if i’m on birth control and if he ever actually makes me his girlfriend we don’t have to use condoms!! he’s the only guy i’m fucking and i hope i’m the only girl he’s fucking lol

[raw-ugh]

Anxiety

i hate having anxiety. i hate overthinking everything. even just from someone’s text or something small like that. i hate the feeling i get in my chest and how i tense up. i hate how sometimes i can’t even breathe because of it. i hate the fact that i obsess over something and worry about it. i hate how my brain is constantly “talking”. i hate how its so hard for me to fall asleep because my brain is just so loud and i think about everything that went wrong and things that could go wrong. my anxiety has gotten so bad again. i didn’t even realize how bad my anxiety was until today when i was in the car with my dad and he was driving next to a semi and i couldn’t take my eyes off of it and i was constantly thinking “oh my god what if it crashes into us we’re gonna die something is going to happen” and i couldn’t breathe and i got that feeling in my chest and started freaking out. then i got to my appointment and my doctor asked me how my mental health was and we talked and she asked me if i wanted to go back on anti-anxiety meds. i told her no but i think i should have said yes. fuck everything. it’ll get better and i know that but i just don’t want to go thru this anymore. fuck. 

[raw-ugh]

Lyrics = Mood

i’ve been listening to a lot of pop punk again recently and i just thought i would write down some lyrics that i’m hardcore relating to because i’m bored. so here ya go:

1. Threat Level Midnight//Neck Deep

"i've had a steady stream of lonely nights For the past few weeks in this room I'm locked away from it all Just need a break from the walls that close me in”

“I know full well they understand that I get myself way too deep in what she said But they'll bail me out when I'm in over my head”

“Another day, another week in hell I'll see your face down here real soon”

“Of all the things I hope to keep: A childhood sense of opportunity Grab life by the wrist and jump Take the chance while I'm still young and dumb”

2. In Bloom//Neck Deep

“Sometimes at night I let it get to me And sometimes I'm sure it gets to all of us And last night it had me down and feeling numb I can try but sometimes that is not enough”

“Don't delude me with your sympathy Cos I can do this on my own”

3. Here for Nothing//With Confidence (reminds me how i used to feel in toxicity)

“You came in like an ocean And you left me crawling On my bedroom floor I tried so hard But you still wanted more I couldn't let you drown So I let you drift away You're tearing me apart Because you didn't have the guts to stay”

“I was fighting for my sanity While you fought for what was left of me I couldn't find the best part of my mind 'cause you crumpled up my brain Driving me insane Nothing feels the same I'm falling down like rain”

4. My Apologies//Miss Fortune

“We all fall down“

5. If I Fall//The Story So Far

“My choices let down some of my closest people But I'm gaining back ground And forcing myself to get better by Fall Will you be there if I fall?”

6. Take Me As You Please//The Story So Far

“She says that I'm crazy But I don't let it phase me Taste me, baby Take me as you please Take me as you please”

“Know that we can talk to each other It's all good, it's all love, now it's over”

7. Chlorine//Trophy Eyes

“When we remember We only get a version of the last time we remember it And as time rolls on like it always does Though it might be a little different, I won't forget”

8. Irrelevant//Safe Bet

"well i’ve been meaning to ask you, how’s life without me? is it all that you wanted and all that you hoped it would be?”

“i’m thinking of good enough reasons to call you but i can’t find one that would be worth your time”

“i can’t believe i let you inside you broke down my door forgot the key. i’ve wasted away all the time i’ve tried to show you what you mean to me”

9. Commonplace//Safe Bet

“Well I’m broken, and you’re outspoken If you haven’t noticed, I’m fucking hopeless So goddamn lonely, and feeling like this is so Commonplace, commonplace”

10. Want Me Around//Knuckle Puck

“Afraid to call and see what's good Or is it simply understood? There's a reason you don't want me around Want me around”

“They say that time heals everything But what if time is everything?”

11. Daylily//Movements

“Outside for the first time in a longtime. Lose yourself sinking to the sunlight. It's been a while since you felt right. But the warm nights are coming soon and you'll be just fine. You'll be just fine. You'll be just fine Outside for the first time in a longtime. You said you can't remember what it's like to feel more than cold on the inside. But the sunrise will come again and you'll be just fine. Oh you'll be just fine”

“I think it's time you had a pink cloud summer 'cause you've gone too long without a smile and I think it's time you found another reason to stay for a while.You should stay for a while”

12. Evergreen//Knuckle Puck

“I’ll lead a life of firsts on foreign soils Somewhere that I can find the bones of a better man inside (Somewhere that I can find) Holding in tightly to the misery will never get me far It will never get you far”

“You grew from a seed Forever strong as a pine tree Always an evergreen“

[raw-ugh]

decisions decisions

im thinking about spending the rest of the summer at my moms house after haley goes back to florida. that means i would be at my moms for about a month before school starts. i want to stay with her because things are still a bit tense at my house and i’m just trying to enjoy the rest of the summer ya know? i don’t want to walk on eggshells in my own house. things got a little better at home after i spent the week at my moms but its still uncomfortable. staying at my moms is a thought, but it will definitely be happening if i get the big girl job i applied to. my mom has asked me to live with her instead of living on campus but i don’t think thats something that i can do for my own mental health. i love my mom but she does get on my nerves a lot. we would drive each other crazy and we both know it. i even talked to her about it. especially with the house that she lives in now there is just no way. her house is a literal shoebox. you can hear everything. its like there’s no privacy. she’s also clean and sober so i would feel weird going out with friends and then coming back to her house, ya know? i also think that she wouldn’t let me come and go as i please like my dad does. a weird thing with my mom is that she thinks that my dad "baby’s” me because he helps me out when i need it. my mom doesn’t really do that. her and my dad split medical bills and school expenses tho. she says i need to be more independent but i have a job where i make my own money and buy my own things. i take care of myself. my dad will help me out with money sometimes whereas my mom won’t. but i make my own money and buy my own things and im in college....how much more independent does she want me to be at this age??? she wants me to be more independent but she doesn’t even let me leave her house whenever i want and she wants me home at certain times. i have curfews with her but with my dad there are no curfews or time limits. going back to astrology and zodiacs for a minute...i’m a libra and libras like freedom. i have freedom at my dad’s house and when i live on campus. i don’t want to give up that freedom. that was kinda off topic but oh well. moral of the story, i would have to change so many things if i lived with my mom. i haven’t lived with her since i was 8 and i’m going to be 22 in a couple months. it just makes me uncomfortable especially with the relationship that we have. i don’t know. but i am thinking about it for the rest of the summer just to get out of this environment. but who knows what i’ll end up doing i change my mind so damn much.

[raw-ugh]

July 23, 2019

today was my friends birthday. we used to be best friends. i actually kinda cut her off for awhile tho. she was just so negative all the time. she was never happy for me about anything and she could be really mean so i just cut her off. we went from talking to each other every day to hardly ever talking. the one thing that i will never forget is when it was the day before it made a year that my ex beat the shit out of me so i was already shaken up. and then my ex decided to text me off a texting app and i legit had a panic attack and i couldn’t stop crying. i told her that he texted me and her response was “what the fuck is wrong with you” and that just made it worse. all i wanted was to be hugged and have someone sit there with me and tell me that it would be okay. but she was rude about it. that really fucked with me. how could my “best friend” be so mean to me in a time where i felt extremely helpless? but anyway, i ended up cutting her off but she would send me memes once in awhile and text me once in awhile. lately she’s been texting me more often and saying “i miss you”. i’m still unsure if i should let her in again or not because she did bring me down a lot but maybe she was going thru something i don’t know. i like to give people the benefit of the doubt. but today was her birthday so i texted her happy birthday and talked to her a little bit today. we ended up facetiming and before she hung up she was like “i’ll call you tomorrow. goodnight love you girl!” and it was just super weird to me. like we haven’t really even had real conversations since idk february??? but i don’t know its weird and i’m not sure what i should do. 

on another note, my sister and i watched the sunrise this morning and then we took a walk and went to the park. that was nice. i like spending time with her. after we got back to the house we both took a nap. after i woke up i called back the job i applied for. no one answered so i left a voicemail. i hope that they call me back. i mean they’re the ones who called me first so they should call me back right?  

[raw-ugh]

the detailed answer to her question

i was having a conversation with my friend the other day about life. she asked me what i plan on doing after college. i told her that i want to specialize in trauma therapy. particularly for women and children, but now that i think about it more and more i think i wanna do trauma therapy for men too. when she asked why, i told her because of my past relationships. now this friend knows about my mom and my ex boyfriend but she doesn’t know the awful details. so to really answer her question...i want to do trauma therapy for many reasons. i’ve been traumatized in more ways than one. my mom and ex boyfriend are too big traumatic experiences in my life that have had a huge impact in my life. i want to be a trauma therapist to help people overcome their trauma. dealing with trauma is not something i wish upon anyone, but sadly many people do and i think that there definitely needs to be more trauma specialized therapists. if i have the opportunity to help even just a single person overcome their trauma or cope with their trauma than i can die happy. i really just want to let people know that they aren’t alone and that there is help and support. i really just want to help. i know that  learning to cope or face your trauma triggers can be very hard and i just want to help. learning to face mine was not and has not been easy but its getting somewhere and i’ve made so much progress. of course there is still work to be done but honestly, i can talk about it without having flashbacks and freaking out or having nightmares. yeah i might get angry sometimes but that is a hell of a lot better than having a full on panic attack or mental breakdown because someone was drinking and spoke to me in the wrong tone. the shit that i went thru with my mom, my ex, and my rapist have all been traumatizing but i’m coping and recovering and surviving and that is what i want to help others to do.

[raw-ugh]

July 16, 2019

I decided to spend the week at my moms house to get out of the drama and tense filled environment at my dads. it was a very good decision so far. since i’ve been here i’ve spent a lot of time with my dog which was nice because i missed him. today i hung out with the guy i like and it was good (: he picked me up and we talked and he showed me the kittens and they are so fucking cute oh my god. then we went in his room and talked some more and cuddled and had AMAZING sex and talked some more then he drove me home. i wish i could have spent more time with him but there’s always another time. he said we need to see each other again before summer ends and i agree. it made me happy that he said that. i also saw another one of my friends today and we got ice cream. it was nice to catch up with her. overall today was a really good day (: