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okay im just gonna come here quick and let my rage out. jesus christ, i wrote to my blogs and to my little stupid fucking diary okay? im still so mad about it. wow
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i think im gonna stop writing here. it doesnt mean anything anymore. i’ll create a new account.
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im just so sleepy. im gonna go and have a very sad sleep now. maybe its good that it got lost. maybe it was meant to be that way. safer for me. i remember some. but still dont want to write it in a half assed way. i really want to hit or break something.
forgetting my face having the thoughts i cant share with anyone finding anyone a bad habit always being this way on that balcony who i truly am what i truly think what i hate my summers and my comfort shows getting over betrayals and people being influenced easily loving myself a little better IF A GENIE SHOWED UP RIGHT NOW WONDER WHAT ID WISH FOR?
i swear to god, when i wrote that i found my color. everything i wrote was 100% me. goodbye i guess.
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i refuse to leave it at that. even if i dont carry the exact feeling right now, i will write. i will write about the happiness i carry thanks to my despair. i will write about how happy i am. and how i still want to die as much as i did back then. because it is important to me. because i want to remember. im upset that all the words i carefully chose are gone. and i cant even remember them. but i felt so good to write it all out. and i wrote so much. it was like i found who i was. what if that was my 13th reason...
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well that was painful. thank you tumblr for fucking it up. aaahhh. it was beautiful. now it's fucking gone and noone else will see it. i won't even remember it because im sleepy as fuck.
how can i even summarize it. fuck. next time, i'll be cautious. i wish i didn't lose my words.
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sen eve dönünce çok mutlu oluyorum. seni hala ankarada hayal ediyorum. evime gitmek isteyince aklımda ilk orası canlanıyor. güvende hissettiğiö, yalnız olmak zorunda kalmadığım yer. korkularımdan uzaklaşabildiğim tek yer. çok garip. orda ne kadar kötü şey yaşadım bir tek ben biliyorum. nasıl hislerle başa çıkmak zorunda kaldığımı da. ama unutmak çok kötü bir lanet. çünkü hepsini yavaş yavaş unutmaya başladım. bazen şans eseri bir şeyler hatırlatıyor. ya eskiden kalan sözlerim ya da bana hala dediğin şeyler. yine de seni mutfakta, kendimi de yanında, turuncuyu da ayaklarımızın altında hayal etmek bana güven veriyor. sana artık sarılmak istemiyorum. seni öpmek istemiyorum. dokunuşunu da özlemiyorum. ama seni her şeyinle eskisi gibi çok özlüyorum. hala konuşmaya devam ettiğimiz için sanırım, daha önce hiç bu aşamalardan geçmemiştim. belki de görüşmeye devam etmeseydik seni çok daha fazla özlüyor olurdum. hala birlikte olmak istiyor olurdum. ama şimdi hislerim daha kontrollü. senin için dolup taşan aşkım yok. yerin hala aynı ama ben değiştim. sonuçta hayatımda hala vazgeçemediğim yerdesin. sen olmasan atlatamayacağım boğucu hisleri atlatmama yardım ediyorsun. gerçek bir arkadaş gibi. sana hala hayranım. ama seni bir sevgili olarak göremiyorum birkaç ay öncesi gibi. beni çok sinirlendiriyorsun ve mutlu da ediyorsun. galiba hayatımdaki en karışık renk sensin şu an. iyi ki varsın. desteğin olmasaydı çok daha derinlerde kaybolmuştum.
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I am loved. So loved that the fire still keeps me warm. How lucky I am to have someone who encourages me to see the world half full. How lucky I am to have been loved by someone so spectacular. How lucky I am that their love for me will resonate forever.
I will cherish you always. Thank you. I miss you.
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I want to come home to you
At the end of the day
When I'm sad or happy
When I'm alone or with friends
I just want to come home to you
Get in the bed and sleep with you
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I wanted us to be each other’s last love. The one person that in we find everything we never knew we needed. To help put the missing pieces where they belong.
I don’t think I know what love is. I just name these feelings inside me.
I thought as long as we loved each other all would work out. That’s what people say at least. And whenever some things don’t work the way it should they all say “that’s not how you love someone”, “they don’t love you” or whatever they can to keep believing in “miracle” love. But I know it isn’t like that. It’s just an unnoticable difference between loving someone and to love someone. Loving someone is easy, it’s all those feelings inside of you, just like mine. Wheter it’s warmth, excitement, calmness or something crazier. Name it love. It’s just that when it comes to showing it people have different standards. But why does my love have to fit in with theirs to prove that I truly love someone? Love doesn’t need that. It just needs to fit well yours.
Love isn’t something special. How can it be special when it’s in everything we do? I’ve been a romantic as long as I can remember. I always dreamed of someone who would love me with every piece of me. I made up stories to supress my loneliness. I know for sure I’d be so lonely without you. I have friends. I always lean on to them whenever I need. And they’re always there for me. But... It doesn’t even need an explanation.
I don’t really know what my point is. I just love you. I’m a person who moves on fast, I guess. I get bored of feeling sad. I get frustrated when I don’t see that I’m being loved. I just want to be loved. That’s all I want. What a shame. I can’t even enjoy masturbating now. Missing you causes so much pain. I really gotta sleep now.
When I wake up you’re the first thing on my mind. When I close my eyes I see you. Before I sleep I only think of you. I catch a split second of a thought without your trace and BAM! -you’re there. As vibrant as those days I could touch you.
I don’t believe in one true love. I never will. And one day I will move on. I will meet a dude who’s nice and cute. If I’m lucky a girl. Then maybe I can experience what a healthy relationship is like. And maybe after seeing how easy it can be I’ll think what the fuck was my problem? But the truth is, I already saw how easy it could be. But I just wasn’t in love with them. I guess love isn’t really something good for us. Why do we chose the thing that gives us pain when we could just chose what’s better for us? Why do we keep going for those with whom we failed many times? Maybe there’s something special about love. The pull you feel. A face you’ve known. A shoulder you can lean on. I hug reminding you of home.
Well, let’s see what’s gonna happen now. Cause I have no idea. And truly I don’t care anymore. I cried enough and I’m exhausted.
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Funny. I've been stuck in this room for one week. But now that I only have couple days left I'm feeling attached. I feel sad. Emotional. A week seemed so long. Like it wasn't going to end. I didn't realise these were my last days. I didn't realise this place will stay in this time forever and never again will I be here. My moment in time. A version of me in this room. I understand now that losing here means so much more to me. I'm saying goodbye to myself. Thank you for the memories little me. You did the best you could.
I hope the future gives me something I can belong to. So that maybe someday, I can stop wishing to go back.
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i knew it wasn’t going to be easy. i just didn’t expect it to be such a numbing feeling. no rushing. i’ll give it a time. but i can’t wait till it’s all behind me. i feel like crying as if that would solve anything. just one more week. that’s all we have. sadly there’s no such thing as we anymore. i need a reminder. but how am i supposed to stay warm against this cold reality. i can’t bring myself to stay in the moment when i remember how it is. i can’t understand the balance between us now. have all the strings split already? we never planned for a future together but i guess i always saw some kind of involvement. now, i feel like its pathetic for me to wait for the same thing. i dont want to wait on for someone who wont wait for me. i dont want to be here with my all for someone who wont do the same for me. i could wait through space and time only if you’d do the same. at least a promise. but ive got nothing now. i can only see the crumbles of what we’ve tried to built. we’re becoming strangers in a sense. but it was bound to happen. im sorry if i was never the one you needed. or at some point i lost what i had given you once. im sorry i couldnt be the perfect match for you. im sorry im still trying to hold you back. im still trying to keep you mine. but hey, just one more week of pretending. than you’ll be free. i promise.
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I’m so tired of being the one to always beg. Why can’t anyone do the same for me? Why can I not see in their eyes that they’re afraid of losing me? It’s not that I feel worthless. They love and care about me. But when it comes to the end, they’re always the ones to leave first. They want to move on quicker. A life without me seems promising maybe? I don’t know. It just sucks.
Will I be able to do the same? Will I stop hoping? Waiting for a miracle? I guess I will at some point. And that will make everything easier for me. But I know when I start moving on I will lose this connection. Why is it that I always work hard to keep it? Especially when it’s clear that I’m the only one who gives a shit to keep it preserved. Why do I hold on to these smallest things? A smile, a word. And get nothing in return. But I still chose to stay. I just wanted to be loved. I want to be appreciated. And I want to see that. I want to see it in action. I’m not happy with just saying, “oh it’s fine, I know they love me” and convince myself to stay. I just want to be held and caressed. I think it’s such a fair thing to wish for. But why can’t I have it? Why everyone stops at some point? I’m not even sure if I can ever have an everlasting healthy love. I don’t think anyone would want to love me that long. Or even want to stay with me. I think the new things to discover in life outweights the things I can offer. I’m old, boring and predictable. What do I have to give? They’ve already seen how it could be. And they decided others have it better. The options seem better.
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Everything seemed easier with you. I love the quiet when I’m with you. I know I talk a lot. It’s a different kind of quiet. In my head and in my heart. I can let the world carry on without me when I’m with you.
I don’t know what’s gonna happen now. I think we’ve crossed a certain line. I don’t know what will become of my love. I don’t know how to accept the reality that someday someone else will hold this dear place you’ve given me in your heart. Loving is forever. It’s the priorities that change. I know you’ll keep on loving me. Until you start loving someone else more. Someone more deserving. Someone that was made for you. Someone with whom everything is easier with. Someone who feels right.
If there’s any possibilty of us ending up together, there has to be lifetimes between now and then. I know for certain I have to realize the person I need to be. I have to build up what I left unfinished. I guess you do have your part to do aswell. Who knows if doing so will help or drift us apart. I wonder if we can truly heal without losing each other.
So many ifs and hows and regrets. The time will either ease the pain or dig it deeper. I can’t quite remember what I wished on new years eve. I know it was about you. It’s always about you. But I want to wish a new one, something that’s more needed maybe. I wish for both of us to heal from the mess we’ve made, no matter what.
It’s simple but also very complicated. I can’t wrap my head around it. So many questions but the more I try to understand the more I lose the thread of my thoughts. Maybe what I need is not to understand but just to let it be. And let the time take care of all these things I nibble to solve the second I find them.
I want to stay in your heart. I want to stay as yours. But I guess that’s out of question now. I wish I knew that someday you could forgive me completely. And the feeling you have for me wouldn’t be tainted with the hurt I caused. I wish this love didn’t have to die.
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