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Preppy

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts? Not to mention the more you try to protect that person, the more you end up hurting them worse and worse. It was supposed to be a dream come true but I ruined it. You were right about me being a lying slut and I have no words to defense it. You are always right (again) though how much I hate to admit it. I am not mad at you for saying those words to me at all, I only feel disappointed because letting a guy say what shouldn't be said from a guy, it hurts my pride but I guess I don't have any pride to hurt. I totally lost it a long ago. 

Today I did a marvelous thing by writing a long ass email to him, the one who raped me and told him how much it affected my life. I completely focused to it and I poured all of my heart out into that letter, which you can find on your email or here if you care. I will pretend that you care, just pretend. It is a hard decision but I think I did a right thing. Right or wrong, it's hard to answer now. 

But this letter is not about bringing you down anymore. I knew I could help and I was so certain that I could. Little do you know that every mistakes I have made are slowly beating me down and I did try so hard to put back everything together pieces by pieces. 

You broke me and you left me alone with a lot of things. Everything all come together at once and one good thing is I appear ok lately. Inside I'm not. Because I have come to the biggest decision ever to clean up every mess I made and I have to be a bit of harsh to myself just like you do. Forcing it to face the truth and forcing it to see where it went wrong. I had choices like you said but I let them slip away on my hand. I can choose to move on but I don't think I can ever again. There are so much to take on a single hand and my pride doesn't let me to ask for help. I'd rather take everything alone than letting you come in and make you regret knowing me later. 

Don't say sorry for making me love you because I finally had some moments where I could be myself without trying so hard to find it after the incident. I am sorry for letting you down constantly, over and over again and again. I have never made any official apology for what I have done than just blaming and making a lot of people suffer and leave me. You were right, I am not ok, people is. 

I wish I could open up about what I truly feel inside but I was afraid that it would link to another event of life. What happened was so terrible that if I do anything, I sense it would be another to let thing happen again. I don't have any excuse to make anyone believe me but not just that. You know a lot of things happened between us, which give me more and more reason to end everything but in this case, you're not the reason. You are different and when you read this letter, I hope you are doing better than I used to. 

Leave me alone you said. And I hate how much I knew I could help but you didn’t let me but that is not a hard thing to understand. I know what I did but I act like nothing happened. 

The true is, I know what happened. And I can tell you that it's not a game, you're not my game. You know who you are and you know how much I appreciate you. Mistakes do make you think otherwise but I am sure that a part of you knows how precious you are to me. 

In fact, I just want you to believe me. That's all and I don't think it can be that hard to believe me. Why would a dead girl lie anyways? 

P.S: By the time you are reading this, it maybe your birthday anyways. So happy birthday to you Daniel :P Last year birthday was great :P The rooftop and the kiss, also the sex and the McDonalds after that. 

I lived for some moment. It is nice to know you and I won't regret knowing you and being your gf, even when you say you hate me. 

#Preppy

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Tom, Brooky, Tom

I didn't remember how we met and became close in high school. Everything was so natural that you forgot where it started. It doesn't really matter because we have been best friends since then. You and I, we were so much alike that a lot of people hated us. But I have been a good friend cause I always stood up for you even though my words were nothing to them, at least I told them you were different.

I felt delight when you told me at the bar last year that to me, you were warm, unlike how you react to other people. I always admire you, you were so good at school, you slew the TV show and you got to study at the university you wanted. I am so sorry for not talking to you much - you have always been a quiet person on Facebook and you don't talk at all. Somehow a part of me gonna be jealous (you're in the big city you know) What you have done for me, I never can say thank you enough. You are my only best friend (male) and you are my Brooky. You didn't mind driving 4 hours to visit me and heard me crying at the bar. Didn't even care to stop me from drinking too much and always give me the best advice ever. You saved my relationship, you saved my life a lot of times and now you know that. I wish I could be strong like you but I guess I failed.  

Everything you have done and I keep on failing you like this. I feel like a loser even if you are here with me when no one wants to be with me at all. You know my secret (most of them) and you know that I am not strong as I look. Now all I can do is saying sorry, I apologize for letting you down and I hope you will have the best in your life from now on.

Maybe you will see another update from me when it's too late. I end this here for now. Be back soon :P

[quinsheart]

The answer :)

When you see this, I may not be around anymore. Many of you will start asking question why and this is the answer. Those thing you ask for will be updated slowly, be patient, til one day, you can piece everything together and it will be clear. 

To the main answer 

Brooky aka Tom 

Ross buddy 

My preppy 

Chan 

Ty 

Preppy again 

Wolf people 

My therapist 

High school friends 

Vy 

What I had been up to lately :P 

Wendy 

Lucy 

Em eveileb ot uoy tnaw tsuj I  

..........

Final words. 

#The answer

[quinsheart]

Dear you,

Can't image that I found your personal email and deliver this shit right into your inbox right? Maybe you don’t know me but I know you. Maybe there are lot and lot of girls around you so obviously, it's hard to remember the girl you pushed down the bed. 

So many but let me remind you of it a little bit. I texted you that I needed a bathroom because I needed for some medical help so I ended up at your place when obviously, it wasn't my plan as many people think. It was a nice day but somehow I got into some kind of accident which made me pretty vulnerable to think of any options instead of knocking your door and asked for help. It was kind of you to let me use your bathroom and it was a story of 5 minutes. I don't know how many times I have been telling story in details, but don't worry, not to the police or anyone who can do the justice, just to myself. Then you made me a cup of tea, my favorite mint tea. I wanted to leave as soon as possible but you were blocking your door. I did make sure that you didn't put anything on my tea so in my head, I thought: “Just take a sip and get out asap" and it didn't go as the way I planned it. As long as I sat down, you started kissing me. I tried to push you away, I said “no" and “please stop"; but it seemed like “it was a signal for you to go further". Why? What was going on in your head that day? And how could a “no" has other different meaning? The moment you pushed me down your bed was the exact moment I knew I couldn't be alright again. I wanted to scream but then it scared me. I don't know for sure what was “it" in this case but my natural instinct told me not to do anything stupid because you were like an animal and my life could be in danger if I went against your will. I laid down, counting times and made a wish. I have never ever describe the whole details to everyone because I could not face it. I wasn't drunk at all and I remember every details as much I appear I didn't. It didn't take me so long to realize that I was raped. I was there myself and I witnessed every moment. I still remember the way you breathe onto my face and how you went inside me. The best is yet to come, or in this case is the worst of it. When you were about to finish, you slapped me and held my nose so I had to open my mouth. Too bad, way too bad when this wasn't a scene in porn at all.  

It didn't stop there did it? Because the story went on and on. This wasn't a Tinder date where you hooked up and said goodbye. To you, this was like a trophy. You took out the best of me without caring and I guess I don't have any right to ask for your care at all. You pushed me down on your bed isn’t enough, lately I became a target so you could drag around. We had a connection and somehow it was so convenient. “She has smaller boobs than you, dw, you're still the best" or “she was so bad at it". Who gave you a right to do that? The story kept going on and on by those texts you typed on your screen. I wished I hadn't know this back then but the other girl was my friend and it was my fault for letting myself ruin it. Not so many, but some people knew the truth stood behind the story but too bad, it wasn't enough to speak out because you turned it into some sort of your game after all. 

What could have stopped what happened that day? Was it “the look of vulnerable on my face when I knocked your door”? Was it “those texts I had sent you before"? Was it “I should have done something else"? No, it was you. You could have stopped all this thing but somehow you decided to go on. 

Every girl needs to be pushed a bit. Girls are all hoe, they all want it but they always say no. If you made clear about your no, I wouldn't do it. 

No means no and it will always mean “NO". I showed up at your door didn't mean I wanted to have sex with you. How sad when no one actually believes it because “I knocked your door myself" or “you should have known better". Everything was a hint “have sex with me" in my world, the world I am living in. It brings you so much benefit and excuses to destroy someone. 

She was right there using my bathroom. She wanted me to and I did what she wanted. 

Again, no means no and nothing can be an excuse for you to do what you want toward me or anyone else. 

I wish everything would have stopped at some point. I wish it was a scene of a movie so I could forget it. You can wake up every morning, having a life you want but not me anymore. I acted like I was ok with it but the truth is, I wasn't and I am not until now. I couldn't sleep at night without dreaming about being raped by you again. I have a big history of “sleep paralysis" and guess what, in dreams where I can't move myself, you were there. I had a hard time going back to my life without the feeling “I am gonna mess up again". I am mentally fucked up like they said. I cried so much that there was no days I woke up with healthy eyes. I am an artist and a creative person, I need myself to be inspired but the joy I want to feel is now feel with my memory of you. Move on, they would say, report him, they would say but the damage is done and no one can redo it. What's the point in reporting you and spend countless amount of time testify for my words. I want to forget everything but I am sorry to myself when it's not a movie. 

I can't focus on anything. I thought I could block memory as I said but no, I was lying about it. I remember every details, however, I am a coward. I am living in the world where a girl drinking will be describe as “spoiled" and girl with guys could be described as “slut". I didn't tell the truth or how I felt to everyone, including my boyfriend. You didn't only destroy a person, you almost destroyed her precious person in her life. He is so pure and literally anything a girl could ask for but I had to keep this things away from him. I was terrible enough and sorry but I couldn't drag another person into this mess. And I have made another mistakes of picking information to tell him, which clearly put him in furious and he made me tell this story over and over and over again. Thus, I never blame you for this because it was my choice. I could be truthful, I could be opened, I could ask for help and move on. You don't know how hard is it to face something which is so horrible. I chose to become someone I am not anymore. I become isolated to everyone. I cut off all the connection to my friends and my family. I feel scared when I have to go outside. I am dark and livid, I start reading things like “suicidal" on the Internet and think it is a part of my depression. Actually it is not. I chose to do more stupid things and destroy people around my life, he once cared but not anymore. I made mistakes, mistakes come with mistakes and they create a big chains for me to hold on. Being raped is not an excuse for me to destroy everything because no one actually look at the fact I got raped. They only look what thing I have done to them and make them feel bad and leave me because “I can't be with you anymore". 

I am so weak to confront to anyone, including myself. I have been lying to myself and made this disappear. You know why? It is much easier to take the blame, accept it and move on but no. I am wrong and I have always been. This is our fault, you shouldn't have done this to me. You completely destroyed my life, however, choosing how to react to it is my choice. I could have lived a new life, started all over and I am so sorry, this is not some kind of Hollywood movie. You have been convicted of violating me, intentionally, forcibly, sexually, with malicious intent, and all you can admit to is telling people I gave a hint. You made myself an uncomfortable place to be as much as I make effort to accept the truth. 

Someone told me I was a lying slut on the day which was supposed to be my happy day. Partly because of things I have done personally to him but I feel like he was right. You called me a lying slut. You called me an addicted slut who was seeking for an attention. The truth is, both of you were right about me. I have been seeking for attention and I am a slut. He also said I could live up to my reputation now and I guess I could. From the person who my boss said “she was full of sunlight” to a person who is ready to give up on herself any minute, I feel angry, I feel breathless every time my boyfriend talked about another incident which happened on the same week. I can never forgive myself from making the worse decision ever. You broke me and I broke another person. I am addressing my problems to let you know that what you have done doesn't stay between us, it affects on other person also and please don't blame me for being unable to control everything. My mind is fucked up and other people is normal, that's why I am ready to let people have big problems to leave me and it's feel much better that way. If you hope you were right about me, then congratulations, you were. I cheated on my boyfriend that same week and now he called me a lying slut. I was alone, stuck between you, your action and your list of words “who is better on bed with you" and I needed help. I made my boyfriend thought that he was so useless and he couldn't do anything to help, I made him think that he was never good enough and he never see past that point. Everything was supposed to be “helping me overcome this" but it was all about “how me slept with another guy" and I also made another mistake with another scumbag and now I am being torn apart by the truth and lie behind it. No one would believe me. You destroy me, I destroy other people in my life, finally live up to my reputation, “a pretty little lying slut". Should I say thank you? 

I don't enjoy, I don't like it at all. Everything is so terrible that I start enjoying my boyfriend's big rant about “how did I destroy him?” rather than facing the truth that I was raped. I am mentally crazy, as much as my medical report says. No one believes I am spending most of my times in and out of the hospital, meeting up with therapist. Daniel said he couldn't separate truth and lie from me anymore and that I would do a blessing job to leave him alone. I lost my precious person in my life. I couldn't ask for any kind of help because my parents are abusive also. I tell myself “Ashley is going crazy because he left" just to cover the fact that “Ashley can't face the truth she was raped". I have done so many many things for him because I cherish him so much and at least it makes me forget the little fact for a while. I don't forget it, I remember details and I let them destroy me despite “Ashley, you have options to move on or drown yourself with it". Life, please give me an instruction. God, please take me away. God doesn't hear it so I am ready to take myself away from this pain. Everything comes all in once and it is beating me daily. This is my last straw to you or anyone. You are a big asshole yourself but I don't hate you for it. You make me sick, just like what you said to me after you finished “your job". 

Much of finishing your job. Turning someone into your little games is also one of your best things to do. You didn't give up on me after finding out I was in the same city as you. What would happened if my coworker, aka Ross buddy, hadn't seen my face of terror and how tight I held his hand at Piu Piu that day? I was there to pick up Ross because he was stressed out by our client and I had to pull him out of there cause we needed to finish our work. Yep, I dressed a bit inappropriate: my off the shoulder shirt and short skirt cause we planned to work outside at Starbucks. I caught your eyes once again and it looked so “magical" to you like how you described it when you talked to me. How dared you? Which cell in your brain made you think you could talk to me? It happened so quick that I only answered “like a common convos" and I pretended to be in hurry. Luckily, Ross knew sth wasn’t wrong and we left as soon as possible. Lately, he made a call, telling my manager that he didn't care how much work we had to do that night, he wouldn't do it and made me speak out what was going on. I was scared like a little puppy lost his mom. I said “he raped me" and Ross spent all night keeping his eyes on me, no words. Your text came to my phone and you used your country number - which I didn't know before to block. You said I looked so good tonight and now you had a new apartment, invited me to stay there again. Wow, how gentle you were and how sweet it was. I was living a dream for a moment and I let you destroyed it again. I showed up late to work, I screamed at my boyfriend and I did stupid things so he could rant at me for cheating (how much his friends were right about me when they don't even know me yet). It has been a hard week and everything got worse in my brain again and again. Who I am? I wish I knew the answer. 

You don't know that I got so scared that everything I am doing can be a reason for something bad happens. If I dress a bit sexy, it would be a sign to my own mind that I am asking for sex. Another question would be asked if I tell someone I saw you again at the bar: “Why didn't you run away?” I can't bear thinking how I don't feel disgusted and turn away whenever I see you. That how my life is like right now, everything small thing can easily kill me inside. I am torn apart, hearing “you have choices, don't act like you don’t". Go to see a therapist, you have sex with other people easily, don't act like it affects you. It doesn't affect me, does it? I should be someone who locks herself up from people because “she talked about it, she cries over it". I want to get on with my life, I try not to be destructive, I try not to be a wrecking ball. The more I try, the more I go deep down into a big mess. 

If it's against your will, it's rape. 

I do not want you to be behind bars, I do not want you to be rotten in hell. I want you to think how did you destroy me inside out. You can't give me the life I had before. Nothing will change your mind about me also because I am one of those girls you put on your schedule. You are happy to be a lady killer, you are everyone's want but not me, I am not one of your little toys also. I have talked to them, those girls you used to sleep with and surprisingly, I am not the only one. She moved on but I don't. I haven't faced it the way I should yet. I wish I could be desperate forever, or maybe be like in the movie where a girl slowly takes step by step but not me. I am sorry and if you think I am angry, my organ will explode and die, you're right. Congratulation. 

This is step by step: 

1. You invited me a cup of tea, my favorite mint tea which I could never take it again. 

2. You started kissing me despite how much I said “no" and “I have a boyfriend" 

3. You locked my hands down, took of my shirt and my pants. I said no and you locked my mouth with your mouth. 

4. You tore the condom with you mouth, you used your legs to lock my legs when you put the condom on. I was too tired to get up and I knew that going against your will could lead to violent action. 

5. You went inside me like an animal. You pushed my shoulder down and I started counting times. 

6. When you were about to finish was when I couldn't move my body or think anymore. You held my nose and you slapped me to make me open my mouth. You put your ball into my mouth as you started jerking off. How much I disgust you? No one can tell. 

7. You made me drink it and I threw up in 1/1000000 second. I had the urge to get up and lock myself in your bathroom again. 

8. I heard clearly what you said afterwards. Those disgust words are still stuck inside my head. How did I end up being your game for days after that? Manipulation and I was so afraid that I would destroy everything I had in my life. 

9. You left your apartment and left me the key. Lucky huh? 

The story didn't stop right there....but it stops for now. I am too nice with everyone, I have been satisfying everyone's mind and turn out, I am not ok at all. 

This is me speaking on behalf of my dead self. Because when you see this email, I am already dead. 

#rape #rapist

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We didn't break up  You broke everything and left.  We didn't break up  You broke me and left.

Last Goodbye

[quinsheart]

Dear Ross :)

Do you like this letter's title? So sorry if I can't think of any better title because I want it to be simple and plain. I bet you will be wondering why the hell I send this online letter to you. You will find the answer later. 

From what I know from people (some people), you are doing well with life in Vietnam and I am happy for that. Sorry for not keeping in touch with you as I promised, life turned to another path which I haven't prepared for it. Somehow this is the path I think I deserve. Today, I want to say thank you for being my buddy at work and for being my friend when I was in the big city. I never showed how I felt about you because I knew you kept a big distance from me. I was devastated at first (haha, nope, just kidding) but then I knew because my intern time was limit and too bad, Ross was an emotional person. He didn't want to be broken when I left so he tried his best to keep distance from me. I know we had some kind of feelings for each other, it's not love but it's more than that, like a big brother. You didn't mind spending your time looking for my draft down the basement, you showed up immediately when it was 2am because I forgot the document at the office, you picked me up from conference, you listened to my tears at lunch....and you always knew I never liked to drink milk cafe in the morning. All those little things which made my agency life better and my day become a bit brighter. I haven't gotten any chances to say thank you because you said I was so weak if I kept saying that to anyone. However, you are not everyone, you are Ross aka my buddy - the best mate in the creative team. You completely changed my POV about American guy because you were totally not an asshole at all. Hahaha. 

It is so weird that I send you this letter or email or post after a long long time no talking. I felt left out since I left the city because I didn't belong to that world anymore. I felt isolated even when I am isolating myself. I go back to being depressed, I go back to being stuck (again and again). Many many times I wanted to hit you up but then I was worried that I was bothering your life. Mainly also I would got jealous because you are doing what you love in the city you love. But anyway, I hope you are doing way better when you read this and maybe, I will ask you for a cup of pumpkin spice latte at Rex Hotel one day. 

xoxoxoxo Ross and Ashley, we will rock the agency with our little craziness one day 

*secret handshake*

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neither did I..and I’m sorry

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13 Reasons Why | Quotes

Hannah Baker: An actual cinnamon roll who is worthy of all the love in the world. An aspiring poet who deserved so much better.

[quinsheart]

[quinsheart]

They say, "You're a little much for me You're a liability You're a little much for me" So they pull back, make other plans I understand, I'm a liability Get you wild, make you leave

#lorde

[quinsheart]

Can't I just......?  No Vivian, you need to live

I am the type of person who love something cinematic to make everything less dramatic. So let's start with today’s story with a very very Hollywood movie scene with is written by me, Vivian. 

So image that I am not available on this Earth anymore, just a soul, who is standing in the middle of a hospital. A voice over comes in with some questions about “What I am doing here?” as I start walking, room to room, looking at people and they ignore me because not everyone has enough mood to notice me. So busy to care. I stop at a room, where I see myself is lying on a bed with ton of shit around me, flower, teddy bear, candy...yep you're right, just like Mia in “If I Stay" but my case, going back to life sounds like a heavy duty job. 

Alright, enough with the movie. Back to reality, it wasn't me on the hospital bed, it's one of my old friend (not really friend, just know each other). She committed suicide but she is saved...somehow. I took a small walk to the ICU and met her brother. I was bored doing alone in my shit and it was so good that I could help him entertain a little bit. We had a big talk about what was going on in my life (everything) and the whole conversation turned to L. 

“So you know how everything is turned out to be right now. Nothing can stop me from feeling like a fool, the biggest fool of all. Trust me, I have evidence to support it” - I said 

“I thought you would be happy because you got your bracelet back, not a fool" 

“I meant just look at it and I told you my story. Didn’t you listen?”

“I did and I am thinking about it.” 

“Take your time and let this fool alone here maybe' 

“I'm still here. Tell him not to put himself down the way you put yourself down. Give him some times and I'm sure you know what you are doing. We sacrifice because we love that person and maybe everything is so quick that he needs time to heal and realize it. Maybe"

“Maybe...I hate that word" 

“Vivian, you're very beautiful inside out. What you have been going through defines the real beauty in your soul and for sure that sometimes you make mistakes because you're young. Keep hanging on and just love him; you are the one who knows how to do that. Show him how to love”

“Big brother, I am a liar. Nothing is beautiful about a liar" 

“People start telling lies once the truth is not appreciated. Your truth led you to some sort of trouble or life-threatening or people poured things on you but no one believes you. But aren't you start fixing everything like you said, then I believe you" 

“Have you been living under my bed? Thanks for saying that, just too much right now" 

“You will get through it alright? Just try to smile, and fix things. You're a nice couples”

“Used to be" - I fixed 

“Even now” 

“Ok fine, don't look at me like that" 

*Note: The conversation didn't happen like this but this is only what I can recall inside my head cause we had a BIG talk. 

Swinging back and forth the reason why not to be end up inside that ICU for committing suicide, I couldn't help but feeling so bad. Why don't I have cancer or maybe a criminal or maybe just have Ebola? Every reasons are just so small but if you keep collecting small things, it will become big one day. My depression causes me losing the will to live but I can't just kill myself also. Could I have a one day thought of killing without anyone saying that “someone else is having worse than you"? Being depression is selfish in my world's vocabulary, not my own vocabulary. So every decision or mistake (which is decision to some people) is selfish no matter what. The problem is everything I have been through is so general, there is no detail to build any good reason. Only me can pick it out but that action makes me feel picky and I don't want to be a part of “picky person". For example: 

My ex in high school, Dy. Well he broke up with me by blocking my phone, Skype, Facebook....everything I could connect him (long distance relationship) and made a livestream on a site, telling people that we had broken up long time ago and if people asked me, I didn't know what to say cause he never told me anything. It's fucking general that alright, he is a jerk and it is so bad, just moved on. But “picking every small things", how do I feel about myself? Million question is running inside my head (even now) 

1. What have I done so wrong? 2. What have I done to deserve it? 3. All the times I had shared with him, was I a fool for doing that? 4. Maybe that I am not that good to anyone right?  5. Why do I feel like I am so small?  ....... (And they are gonna kill me sooner or later) 

So here I am again? Keeping up the pain from drug while keeping my eyes from shedding any tears because I have been crying so much that my eyes are damaged (oh fuck me) Suppose to be a day where I am happy for him but no, drowning my mind in a sea of tears. I notices small sign too much and all the feelings have lost. 

What can I do to not to be end up in that bed? I wrote every reason down, everyone who is the part of my killing story and how bad I feel everyday. The more I fix thing, the more I end up living with my bad reputation. 

People are so nice when they need you.....everyone 

You're not wrong, big brother but it's gonna be forever to make what you say come true.