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tw: rant

that #### really pisses me off

you have the energy to play with others but not your own friend group?

having other friends in fine but at least put some effort to talk with your current friend group or just say you don’t wanna be friends anym9re so we can hurry up and replace you with someone who’s not 2-3 years older and literally gaslights us. 

i’m tired of trying to set up times where our friend group can spend time together while having to keep in mind that you get tired at 7pm. 

you don’t contribute anything, why am i using all this patience and effort when you ruin it all with your excuses of “i’m too tired” then explain to me why i’ve seen you up at 4am before on a school night and “i have assignments to do” ok then why are you texting during class and still getting straight C’s? and plus one of us are literally filling shifts at her family restaurant and has dance lessons and has assignments to do and she still manages to spend time with us.

i hope you work 13 dollars per hour full time for the rest of your god damn life.

now why am i getting so mad over a friend not spending time? because you’d feel frustrated after seeing all your efforts to set up game nights for your friend group wasted and mean nothing after seeing the friend who always seemed uninterested suddenly set up a while gaming session with other people while not lighting one finger to send a message in our friend group chat 

it’s fine to have other friends out side of a friendgroup but not when you practically abandon your friendgroup for them and put zero effort to speak when one of them try to start coversations to keep the group alive 

why don’t i talk to her about it? because she’s the type to say “go cry about it” or “ok?”  oh how i want to kill myself and start all over again 

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tw: vent

the only thing holding me together is waiting for some clothes i ordered online to come.

other than that i don’t really see a reason to put effort into maintaining my body  it’s tiring to make food for myself that doesn’t add on weight and exercise and hold this god-forbidden friend group together and as well keep up with everyone at school and biting back my lip to maintain my reputation at school.

i blocked a toxic friend because i couldn’t keep up with their shit know they’re gonna be in my classes this year so i have to keep a poker face on and pretend i never saw them trashtalking me on tiktok and play it off as some accident 

my friend group is being carried by me as well, i don’t even have much social skills and yet if i want to have people to talk to everyday to keep me sane im gonna have to start conversations even though my anxiety goes through the roof when they leave me on read or go offline or ignore me. 

ah, im on the brink of going insane. half of me wants to end it all with no care in the world and the other half cares too much and makes every problem their own.

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tw: vent, rant

it feels like it’s been forever since i’ve went on to this  too bad i’m back again with bad news

why is it everytime i trust somebody enough to vent to them they always get the purpose wrong and are comforting me of something completely different

and when i ask for advice people say “please confront someone you trust about this”  don’t you think i’ve tried already? all i get are “i’m sorry you felt that way, but…” and “that’s normal for girls your age.”.

i want my feelings to be validated not normalized.

and when i finally find someone i put my whole trust in their either: busy with their own issues/dealing with mental illnesses

lost contact with me

turned out to be problematic

i can’t catch a break huh

what could i possibly have done to deserve this? i comfort my friends and give them advice with their issues i try my best not to lose my temper and patience  i stand up for people who can’t defend themselves

all of that effort is always dismissed

when will i be recognized?

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no one there to comfort me again and they were never there in the first place im just stuck here alone again and again  so lonely ive gone through the efforts to make a whole vent account 

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tw: vent

they won't do anything unless I start it, it feels so one-sided. why am I doing all the work? is this the definition of friends? to ignore the other’s persons efforts to start conversations and change the subject on them every time until they feel like they're unneeded and uncared for?  I wanna run away from this torturous friend group where one doesn't put any effort to hang out and only talks about themselves the other too busy and doesn't bother to read the other’s messages another too caught up in their own addictions and offline most of the time. then im stuck here with too much free time. I've tried so many times to run away, games,  drawing, binge eating, and even watching hours of youtube. but its never enough to take up my whole day. ive even tried to run to start a new identity and start fresh somewhere else but everyone there too doesn't care for me and my efforts are all thrown away. if I were to kill myself would they care? would they grieve? would they even bother to notice my absence? in all the made up scenarios in my head, the answer is no. they talk about it for a few minutes then forget it even happened. someone anyone please just talk to me I want someone to talk to again, to discuss my interests with and to play horror games with again 

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tw: vent, rant, ****

that friend is back at it again. I dont even know if I should even call her my friend anymore

im gonna call her **** from now on to censor her name. last night me and our friend group were playing horror games and **** barely made an effort she watched youtube while we were all getting jump scared in the maze. I didnt think much of it then because I was having fun with my other friends. it was then first time we had a long horror game session and I felt happier without ****’s presence to be honest we played til 4am and we couldn't finish the game because **** left early (not really a surprise to be honest she tried getting out of it so many time before that told her “sounds like your busy, we should play the game without you.” and she still insisted. I dont know what she even wants anymore.) and the game was best played with more people. I woke up at 3pm and checked our groupchat there I saw **** picking a fight with one of our friends that was really going through a hard time and didnt need a argument. they were arguing about a tiktok that said “mfs seriously wishing covid is back just because of their social anxiety”. the friend that was going through a hard time was saying they wished that the lockdown was back because of their social anxiety and **** said things like “go talk to your parents about it then lol” and all of us knew the friend didnt have a good relationship with her parents and she also said  “so? thats between you and your parents no need to wish for the lockdown to be back.”. then she called the friend selfish for wishing for that when social anxiety isn't something you can just say “oh sorry let me just stop wishing for that because its selfish and its just my preference.”. I struggled with social anxiety myself so I stood up for that friend. then she started gaslighting us and invalidating her own friend’s opinions and comfort zones. I brought up the fact **** doesn't really have a place to speak about “harming others” when she hasn't even gotten the vaccine yet and her parents have given her the opportunity as well she's just too pussy to do it and she was talking about how when school started she didnt care about masks because she was having too much fun with irl friends..  and that she's flaming our friend for having social anxiety and saying how harmful her opinion is, when she's doing actual harm to the people around her.  a total shitbag of a person really. this isnt the only time either, she argued with our friend about how she doesn't have a opinion because she's not lesbian.. if she was really reading that friend’s messages then she’d know that she's actually lesbian. and who our friend told her that she was lesbian she was kept typing then stopping then typing again til 5 minutes later she practically says “okay? so you might be a lesbian where's the evidence??”  if we go even further to our history with **** she has tried attempted to attack me infront of all our other friends to get them on her side and have them sympathize with her.  what was this argument about? our friend make a joking statement saying “man I im gonna punch my cat”  and **** encouraged it seriously not joking. so I said “naw... y'all abusing cats??”  and she gets all worked up about it and says im twisting her words. no im just stating your intent, how you gonna encourage someone to punch their cat seriously without the intent of animal abuse? then there's **** being racist to Chinese people in a groupchat full of Chinese people and she's the only other race. ive seen her asianfishing with her makeup as well.. I hope one day karma strikes hard on her. 

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tw: vent

nothing works anymore I can't distract myself anymore

games, music, friends, drawing nothing works anymore  I cant escape from these thoughts anymore

it feels like something is eating me up from the inside  tell me what can stop this feeling?

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tw: vent

I wish I were skinnier I wish I could make new friends easily I wish I could stop the intrusive thoughts coming in my head I wish I had someone who cared about me I wish I was someone’s first choice I wish I wasn't me I wish I could stop invalidating myself I wish I wasn’t in ‘that’ place again. I wish ‘that’ place never existed  I wish someone or something could distract me from the thought running through my head I wish I didn't cry so easily I wish it was easier to breathe while crying 

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tw: vent

I reached out to a friend a few weeks ago that friend being my ex-crush not even they can figure out what's wrong with me  “its just puberty” does puberty make me want to disappear?  does puberty make me want to change my whole existence?

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tw: vent

I feel so stupid for getting so emotionally attached to someone who merely showed small acts of kindness to me. I feel so so stupid. and I thought that maybe we were friends  turns out it just seemed like that because of me overthinking every interaction I had with them

I wish I had better social skills I wish I were less shy I wish that I was more fun to talk to maybe they were just nice to me out of pity..

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i wanna talk to you so bad 

i want to voice call with you again

i want us to share our cameras and look at your cats together again

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i miss you so much 

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tw: vent

i hate how that event changed my personality

why’s it so hard to smile nowadays

why is it so hard to make new friends

why is it so hard to trust the people around me enough to vent

why’s it so hard to stay positive

i wanna end it so much

i wanna disappear so much

there’s nothing here for me anymore

no one loves me

i’m unloveable

i’m unlikable

i’m boring

the only way my days pass is by staying cramped in my room sleeping in til noon playing dating simulations and rhythm games to cover up the loneliness i felt despite having a ‘perfect’ friend group so many would desire

if that event never happened would they still like me?

i consider venting to the only person i feel comfort in,

but i’m just another girl in his dms.

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tw: vent

why do they seem happier without me

why does no one want to talk to me

what’s wrong with me 

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tw: vent, rant, trauma dumping

I can't have anything when it comes to her. not love, a conversation, someone acknowledging my efforts all because she changes the subject to her.

just for her own selfish desires or validation and attention 

and she guilt tripped my crush into liking her instead just for her to get over him and over onto another crush

and she said “I wouldn’t have liked him if you haven't told me you liked him”

I pushed away my own feeling to be a supporting friend and tell her  “if he doesn’t like any of us lets just date each other!”,  “let’s all stay friends even when he chooses one of us, and dates them!”.

our conversations and friendship was fine before her, we both even agreed try getting to know each other better before dating. 

our friends set us up often.

we were guaranteed to date.

but when she started talking to him, everything changed. his replies were getting shorter and more rushed. and took longer to answer. it was understandable, she had a smooth more mature voice and appearance. while I was 4′11 at the time with a more energetic humorous personality and higher pitched ‘cute’ voice. everyone shipped them instead I was forgotten and all consideration for me was thrown away. I bottled up all my negative feelings towards and shipped them with everyone else. “no hard feelings right?” and later the boy we had a crush on crushed on both her and another girl. the other girl was kind, willing to help me get with him because I was there first and she didn't see it fair. while my friend used to me for validation, to get compliments, and to get sympathy from me. when she found out the guy had a crush on someone who was other than her so cried to our friends that she was the second choice and refused to talk to him. but what about me? im not even a choice the most I would be is third choice, do you see me crying? do you see me crying for sympathy and attention? the guy noticed that friend didnt answer his dms and came to me just to get information about her out of me. it hurt. all he talked about for the next few weeks was all her. her. her. her. it felt like he was using me as a tool to get closer to my friend. the other girl he had a crushed on advised me to confront him about it so I did unlike his usual kind way of answering, he got upset at me as soon as I said it. ”why?” ”all you talk about is her, it feels like your using me as a tool to get info about her.”  ”IM NOT, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK ABOUT??” ”why are you using caps?”  ”because im upset you would think of that.” ”what do you expect me to think when all you talk about is her??” ”im not using you” ”stop lying” the conversation got worse. In the end i told him to calm down and take a break before messaging I broke down shortly after and my friends offered to vc to talk about it it just ended up in those another friend confessing that they liked the guy and those two friends crying in vc, covering my own sobs with their exaggerated crying.  only one of my friends bothered to comfort me through it and it was my ‘older sister’ friend. she's 6 years older than me she later got tired of listening to my problems and made a while gc to talk bad about me.

the friend who liked my crush was 3 years older

when will older people stop taking advantage of my trust

I'm tired of it

but I cant do anything about it without starting drama or breaking our friendship or ruining my reputation because others will be on her side no matter what she does or say. 

and today when I was going to share my Japanese study notes with my friend group’s group chat, that friend covered my notes with “its raining” and a video of it raining then “OMG LOOK WHAT MY FATHER FOUND” and a video of a peacock (which are common where she lives) with a few tiktoks after.  my notes were completely covered none of my friends saw it or noticed. normally I would shrug this off and shake away any lingering feelings of annoyance related to itty doing something else. but this has happened too many time s to count im tired so tired of it I cant have shit in this group chat. I can't leave it either because I have no one else to talk to and I couldn't call her out because I didnt wanna ruin my friend group yet again im trapped

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- TW: vent

am i that bad to the point of not being worthy of praise?  i try just as hard as they do, but why are my efforts always 

discarded, 

ignored,

brushed off, 

irrelevant, 

and unimportant. 

hey. someone please explain to me what do they have that i don’t? 

what makes them so worthy of praise, but not me? 

i try so hard to try and satisfy everyone’s expectations of me but why do they get congratulated for the smallest of things? 

why do i try

no matter how many hours i put into making art.. redrawing them until it reaches my own higher expectations.

making sure the drawing would be better than the previous 

i’m jealous.

of those who have the talent to work so little yet get so much praise.

i’m impressive for my age right?

i have talent right?

my style is so unique right?

my art is cute right?

i’m good at what i do right?

…right? 

it hurts. it hurts so much

a stabbing pain in my heart when both my efforts and feelings are dismissed and ignored, while everyone else around me has someone supporting them, hyping them up, comforting them, and prioritizes them. 

i’m just as good as them right?

right. i’m just as good as everyone else.

i’m stronger than them, i can depend on myself and myself only unlike them.

i think

is it my appearance?

i know i have to lose a few pounds but my chubby cheeks is what makes me cute right?

109 pounds isn’t that bad right?

i just need to start watching my diet a bit more..

and try skipping breakfast and lunch more often,

yes, that’s right. after that i’ll be skinner and prettier, and i’ll finally be acknowledged for what i am.

i wish i had someone to talk to.

all i have is my 4-person friend group to talk to but they have their own problems. after all ### just came out about wanting to kill themselves, i couldn’t possibly be so selfish as to share my problems right after that.

i miss my old relationship no matter how much i joke about it saying it was cringy and was bound to break after a few weeks or so. 

they were the only one who showed concern for me, when i said i was gonna take a break due to mental health.

yet during that break they cheated on me because it was simply a secret relationship kept away from everyone else.

i miss my old crush too

we’re still friends but it’s so awkward to talk to them after finding out they liked 2 other girls that both weren’t me, yet refused to admit that i was the 3rd choice. 

they told me “hey, if you need help again or need to talk about your problems just come to me ok?”

i wish i could accept their offer but there was this huge wall blocking me from venting to my friends and letting them know what was going on.

so in the end it’s really my own fault that i have no one to talk to.