qin-shi-huang-di

[qin-shi-huang-di]

ok. cool. thank you once again court physician for your quick thinking and good aim. idk what was in your medicine bag that managed to knock someone out cold with one hit, but you know what, i really can't be fucked right now. many mysteries of the world ect. oh, and on another note, the palace is now hiring new guardsmen, please send your CV to Mod Zhao Gao, ect ect. you know the drill.

Your royal highness, Qin shi Huang, bestie, come closer I have free mercury pills

Finally, a vassal with common sense! I am in fact the best at everything and will be adding "bestie" to my list of titles, I think it has a nice ring to it. Now, about these mercury pills--

#[hi guys the blog is technically discontinued but i couldn't just leave this sitting in my askbox so im digging QSH back out]

[qin-shi-huang-di]

BURIED ALIVE, LINGCHI AND EXECUTION BY CARRIAGE IS TOO MERCIFUL FOR YOU TRAITORS. WHEN IM THROUGH WITH YOU LOT HELL DROWN IN BLOOD AND THE HEAVENS WILL WEEP.

Your royal highness, Qin shi Huang, bestie, come closer I have free mercury pills

Finally, a vassal with common sense! I am in fact the best at everything and will be adding "bestie" to my list of titles, I think it has a nice ring to it. Now, about these mercury pills--

[qin-shi-huang-di]

O H FUCK RIGHT OFF

Your royal highness, Qin shi Huang, bestie, come closer I have free mercury pills

Finally, a vassal with common sense! I am in fact the best at everything and will be adding "bestie" to my list of titles, I think it has a nice ring to it. Now, about these mercury pills--

[qin-shi-huang-di]

WEAR A LONG SWORD THEY SAID. IT WILL LOOK COOL THEY SAID. WHO CARES IF IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO DRAW WHEN YOU'RE BEING CCHASED AROUND THE THRON E ROOM

Your royal highness, Qin shi Huang, bestie, come closer I have free mercury pills

Finally, a vassal with common sense! I am in fact the best at everything and will be adding "bestie" to my list of titles, I think it has a nice ring to it. Now, about these mercury pills--

[qin-shi-huang-di]

no, i don't know how this peon managed to hide a poisoned dagger inside a medicine gourd, maybe it was grown around it from seed? there are many mysteries in the world NOW WILL YOU QUIT STANDING AROUND AND STAB THIS FUCKER

Your royal highness, Qin shi Huang, bestie, come closer I have free mercury pills

Finally, a vassal with common sense! I am in fact the best at everything and will be adding "bestie" to my list of titles, I think it has a nice ring to it. Now, about these mercury pills--

[qin-shi-huang-di]

OH FUCK GUARDS GUARDS

Your royal highness, Qin shi Huang, bestie, come closer I have free mercury pills

Finally, a vassal with common sense! I am in fact the best at everything and will be adding "bestie" to my list of titles, I think it has a nice ring to it. Now, about these mercury pills--

[qin-shi-huang-di]

Your royal highness, Qin shi Huang, bestie, come closer I have free mercury pills

Finally, a vassal with common sense! I am in fact the best at everything and will be adding "bestie" to my list of titles, I think it has a nice ring to it. Now, about these mercury pills--

[qin-shi-huang-di]

big if true

[qin-shi-huang-di]

Mercury Pill perfec t cure for disease grant i\mmortality! inside very Silver and Pretty elixir of life sleep soundly put Mercury in Emperor Mouth. Put Mercury in Emperor Body and Mausoleum. no problems ever with mercury because good Medicine and Support for short moral lifespan. Mercury Pill yes a cure for a paranoia give three hundred virgins to taoist wizard and dig secret tunnels under palace to hide from Ghosts. can trust Mercury for giveing good love to Emperor. friend Mercury.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

Don’t listen to the haters

"Fluid as water, brilliant as silver, heavier than lead, mercury spills through a mine worker's fingers."

National Geographic

October 1972

ph. Robert W. Madden

[qin-shi-huang-di]

—Terracotta—

Ok so I visited xi'an during my trip back to china (3 months ago?), and this idea popped into my head during the 9h train ride back to shangdong. I am of course 100% projecting my own love of the terracotta army onto Qin Shi Huang, in reality he did not care for this pit of mud statues depicting lowly commoners. In fact, no one ever bothered to write about it and they were lost to history until 1974 when some farmers digging a well stumbled upon them. But it's exactly the reason I'm so fascinated by them. QSH's tomb has not been excavated, and although I have a running joke about cracking it open--mercury vapors be damned--none of the riches inside will ever enchant me as much as the chance to see the face of a person who lived during this time.

Notes under the cut:

#1

the title Qin Shi Huangdi means "First Emperor of Qin" and was given to QSH by later historians. He actually called himself the Shi Huangdi, "First Emperor", and that is the title I've gone with here.

in English the other kingdoms are translated as "states" (i guess to avoid confusion?) but in chinese they are very much kingdoms.

The terracotta warriors used thousands of craftsmen, many of whom were slaves from conquered kingdoms. From a storytelling perspective I thought it would be more streamlined if there were two main artisans who reported directly to QSH.

QSH's clothes are based on the overly complicated courtly regalia. which has 12 symbols that only the emperor is allowed to wear

Notice how this hat is ROUND at the front??? Well I CERTAINLY DIDN'T. HAD TO REDRAW IT!!!!!

the stripped shirt is based on this Chu woman figurine. Clothes were fairly unisex during this time and I thought it was a nice fit.

#2

Paperwork: writing was done on books made of bamboo slips. Anecdotally, QSH had an impressive work ethic and would read 100 bills every night.

Bronze Goose lamp: ok this is actually a Han dynasty lamp pls forgive me. I saw this bad boy at the xi'an history museum and it's bewitched me body and soul. The goose neck is hollow and connects to a reservoir of water in the belly, which minimizes smoke and cools the lamp.

QSH is remembered as a brutal tyrant and brilliant statesman, but I wanted to present a more human version of him here. Bored, tired and drowning in work he refuses to delegate. His new empire is balanced as precariously as everything else on his desk.

#3

The attendants standing behind him are holding little wood tablets called hu for taking notes. Their brushes are tucked into their hats/hair, inspired by Han dynasty custom. (You'll see me using Han stuff a lot. Their cultures were very similar to Qin, since it was only a few hundred years apart).

So I had a slight breakdown trying to find the correct hats for the eunuchs, and ended up redrawing everything the night I was due to publish. Closest thing I could come up with was a reference to a round-style Han Dynasty hat which evolved into this square Jin hat. Yes, this is a cry for help .

#4

the wheeled platform is 100% made up, I tried to come up with a plausible way of getting a bunch of figurines into the palace.

#5 & #6

Painted terracotta soldier

How were the terracotta warriors made

The General: Fun fact, I got to see this guy in person!

#7

The Epic Wide Shot was inspired by some Tang Dynasty terracotta figures I saw at the xi'an museum!

#8

THIS KNEELING ARCHER. ARGGGGG. He use to be my favourite guy. I even went into the pit and drew him IN PERSON. the archers inexplicably have their hair buns on the OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE HEAD. So because of him, I DREW ALL THE HAIR BUNS WRONG!!!! REDRAW!!!! PAIN AND SUFFERING!!!!

#10

Qin was famous for it's very long, thin swords. They were more useful as status symbols than actual weapons, as QSH knows from personal experience…

#11

QSH'S Tomb hasn't been excavated yet, but high levels of mercury have been detected in the soil, making the historical accounts of quite plausible.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

Hi citizens, op here! I just wanted to say thanks for taking part in the bit! It was an honour to reign as your awful, cringefail Emperor and I had a great time! I hope everyone found this as funny and educational as I did. I originally started this blog as a one-off joke but it was just so damn fun and the reception was so overwhelmingly positive I decided to keep it running. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end, so effective today, I will be graciously abdicating. I think QSH rage-quitting to go to hell twitter after being served a big plate of Kung Pow Penis by the revolting peasants (haha pun) of tumblr.com is a very fitting way to give this blog a send-off. It parallels the historical events rather well. IRL Jing Ke and Gao Jianli were a pair of failed assassins who didn't accomplish much (but definitely deserve a B+ for effort!) so I thought it would be quite poetic if they actually succeed this time. Jing Ke struck the first blow, Gao Jianli followed up with a shot in the dark, and after Qin Shi Huang's death, the peasants rose up to overthrow the dynasty. So thank you again for helping me bring history to life! Round of applause for everyone!

I've only covered a tiny fraction of all the batshit events that went down in BCE China. Here are some cool youtube channels if you want to learn more: Cool History Bros , Xiran Zhao's channel and if you like fiction, check out Romance of the Three Kingdoms which has one of THEE best subtitles ever, courtesy of the people at @hanchaozhilang

I'm @its-not-a-pen on main and I draw comics. Come say hi!

P.S. ok I posted a bunch of stuff after QSH supposedly buggered off, so I’m gonna say this was all totally planned and definitely not my poor management skills. After IRL QSH died during his 5th inspection of the realm, his closest circle pretended he was still alive and issued commands on his behalf. They just hid his body in the fucking carriage. Cartloads of rotting seafood was involved. So yknown. my version is actually way more dignified.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

i hauve a m igraine

*is just standing in an empty hallway*

O First Emperor of Qin Qin Shi Huang Deng, The Son of Heaven, His Majesty, Your Royal Highness, may your reign be eternal and your empire prosper, builder of the wall and leader of China, that was a very fun and engaging gift! I will return it with a statement;

You have lost the Game.

GUARDS GUARDS IM BEING TORMENTED BY SOME KIND OF UNDEAD WIZARD! NO, I DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF GAME HE’S TALKING ABOUT. ITS PROBABLY SOME PEASANT JOKE IM TOO RICH TO UNDERSTAND.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

Ha. Ha. What an amusing little jest. You know what, that was so funny I have decided to award you five lovely horse-drawn carriages and these fashionable rope bracelets for your arms, legs and neck. Here, I'll get my guards to help you put them on. Oh, pay no mind to all the servants with the mops and buckets. They're just here to clean up after all the fun we have.

O First Emperor of Qin Qin Shi Huang Deng, The Son of Heaven, His Majesty, Your Royal Highness, may your reign be eternal and your empire prosper, builder of the wall and leader of China, may I entreat of you but a single question; might you please click on this link?

https://boulderbugle.com/macd9vip

Finally, a peasant who knows their place and addresses me by my correct title. Now that wasn't so hard was it? His Royal Highness is in a generous mood and will grand your request.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

O First Emperor of Qin Qin Shi Huang Deng, The Son of Heaven, His Majesty, Your Royal Highness, may your reign be eternal and your empire prosper, builder of the wall and leader of China, may I entreat of you but a single question; might you please click on this link?

https://boulderbugle.com/macd9vip

Finally, a peasant who knows their place and addresses me by my correct title. Now that wasn't so hard was it? His Royal Highness is in a generous mood and will grand your request.

[qin-shi-huang-di]

parasite in chief in his idiot hat

[qin-shi-huang-di]

hey wanna come to my house im a thousand y/o wizard i swear ;)))

You know what, that is a fantastic idea! I'm currently on my 5th inspection tour of the realm and I can probably stop by for a chat.

Mod Zhao Gao! Jot down the wizard's address and add it to my itinerary. While you're at it, decode what semi-colon-bracket-bracket-bracket means, it's clearly some kind of secret message.

#sup its liu bang again. i went through ying zhengs inbox and cleared some stuff out. ur welcome.