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prettyboyswow · 1 year

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THIS. I can’t wait for new chapters!!!!!

May I Feel (prologue)

Word Count: 2.4k

Pairing: Josh Kiszka x Reader, Jake Kiszka x Reader

Warnings: Underage drinking, mentions of underage canoodling (not described), allusions to sex, mentions of cheating.

a/n: Hello! This is my first fic (so please be gentle). The title comes from the poem may i feel said he by E.E. Cummings. This prologue is a lot of descriptions and not very much dialogue, but I promise it’s necessary for the story. Also, please forgive any weird formatting/spelling errors as this is largely unedited.

You had been best friends with Jake and Josh for as long as you can remember. In fact, you could hardly recall a point in your life past kindergarten when the three of you hadn’t been attached at the hip.

As such, it shocked precisely no one when you ended up in a relationship with one of them. It was seen as more of an inevitability than anything else. You are actually fairly confident that both sets of parents had placed bets on who it would be.

Whoever had their money in for Josh came out victorious. He’d gotten down on one knee, after 3 years of being officially together, a mere 8 months ago.

You were set to marry him tomorrow afternoon.

The problem with this entire situation was that you were in love with Jake, as well.

You had come to terms with the fact that, at this point, pursuing a relationship would never be in the cards for the two of you. Your timing was always just slightly off. You would have a partner when he was single, he would have a one when you were. You would be off at college, he would be holed away in his garage, perfecting his newest arrangement on his trusty Gibson. When you’d returned from college to find a steady job in your field and make a life for yourself at home, he was packing up a duffel bag and his guitar and heading out on the road without even having a hotel booked.

Suffice to say, you were aware that your heart would always be tethered to these men, forever being pulled in opposite directions.

And so, while you and Josh had perfected the art of Hellos, you and Jake had perfected the heart-wrenching art of Goodbyes.

It’s interesting how that happens, how time morphs relationships.

You had actually met Jake before Josh, you were closer to him for a time, you recognized your love for him first.

You’d been new to town, your family had just moved to Frankenmuth from a small town in Ohio. It was your first day of kindergarten at your new school and you had been so nervous that you didn’t speak to anyone in your class until recess.

Though you were so young at the time, you can always vividly recall the first time you met Jake.

You were sat by yourself on the sidewalk, picking clovers out of the grass, when the sunlight was obscured by one of the boys you recognized from your class.

“Hi! I’m Jake! That’s short for Jacob, but you’re not allowed to call me that. Only my mom is allowed to call me that. And she only does it when she’s mad!”

Every time you thought back to your first meeting, it always made you laugh how he was able to get all that out in one breath.

“I’m Y/N, can you move? You’re blocking my light.”

and so, he sat down next to you and continued talking your ear off about nothing and everything while you kept hunting through the patch of grass in front of you. A few moments later, your view was obscured again by a second boy who was identical to the one sitting next to you.

“Y/N! This is my brother, Josh. We’re twins! Everyone says we look exactly alike, but I think it’s very easy to tell us apart.”

You looked up at Josh and he gave you a sheepish smile. He looked down, and plucked a four leaf clover from the ground. You wanted so badly to be mad that he found one before you could, but he grinned and handed it over to you with a

“Jake doesn’t like anyone, but if he likes you… I’ll be your friend too”

and from that moment, the three of you were inseparable.

You had standing weekly dinner invitations at each other’s homes. You all went on family vacations together. You and the boys had developed your own form of non-verbal communication and you were able to convey entire thoughts to each other with just a fleeting look passed between you.

By middle school, it had gotten to the point that your parents begged you to join a club, play a sport, or find a hobby just so you would spend a few hours a week away from the boys.

You did as requested, but other people just didn’t captivate you like the twins did. You just never formed a level of attachment greater than a casual friendship with anyone else.

The boys didn’t either, though. You were happy enough just in your own little trio.

You still aren’t 100% sure when feelings became involved with either boy. You can never pinpoint an exact moment where the switch was flipped from platonic to romantic, you can only recall the catalysts for these realizations. A huge part of you believes you’ve loved both of them since that very first day, you just didn’t understand how to parse those feelings.

What you do know is that both of them are burned into your body and soul. They always have been, and they always will be.

All of your important firsts had been shared with them, after all.

Jake was your first kiss when you were 13 years old.

Josh had the flu, so Karen kicked you and Jake out of the house to prevent you from keeping him awake when he needed rest. Jake grabbed his backpack and filled it with a blanket and some snacks and you wandered out into the woods behind the Kiszka home. The two of you picked up large walking sticks, you used yours for its intended purpose while Jake waved his around like a madman. He used it to point out specific plants that he’d claimed to learn the names of during his brief stint as a boy scout (you realize, now, after getting your degree in Botany that he was talking out of his ass to impress you) and you hung on his every word.

He quickly grew bored of educating you on the local flora and he moved on to a grueling game of 20 questions.

As you continued your trek through the woods, he asked you everything from your favorite color (green) to who your favorite Kiszka was (you rolled your eyes and said “OBVIOUSLY Sammy”). He didn’t have to ask these questions, he knew everything about you.

He just wanted to hear your voice. He wanted to make you giggle with his silly questions and side commentary.

By the time he reached his 20th question, you had stopped in a small clearing to rest for a little bit. Jake had set the blanket out and dug your snacks out of his backpack.

As he handed you the bag of goldfish he’d packed to share, he turned to you with a small smile and said

“Y/N, my final question is very serious.”

You raised an eyebrow at him, but waved your hand at him to continue.

“Iknowyou’veneverkissedanyonebefore canIbeyourfirstkiss?”

Your jaw dropped slightly as you processed what he, very quickly, asked you. You’d never even considered Jake being your first kiss, honestly at that point… you’d never considered anyone being your first kiss. But, the more you thought about it, the more you realized that it seemed fitting for your first friend to be your first kiss.

Once you had made up your mind, in lieu of responding, you simply leaned forward and pressed your lips to his.

When you pulled back, you gave him a smug smile and said

“Ha! I think that makes me your first kiss”

It was then his turn to sit there, staring at you with his jaw dropped.

After you shared your first kiss and a few more silly jokes, you and Jake walked back through the woods hand in hand. It was normal for you to hold hands, you always have, but this time it felt different. This time you looked at each other as you reached the back door and decided to unclasp your hands before going inside. You came to the unspoken agreement that what happened in the woods was a Y/N and Jake secret that Josh did not need to be let in on.

After that day in the woods, you began looking for excuses to spend time with Jake away from Josh. It began with your fully innocent desire to get closer. You could cut a look to Jake and he’d make up something to tell Josh about needing to run off somewhere, and you’d make up something about homework. But really, you’d meet back at your place in the woods and talk for hours about everything and nothing.

As the years progressed talking turned to kissing, and kissing turned to touching and exploring each other. All while still abiding by your unspoken promise to not tell Josh.

For all of the experimentation you and Jake partook in over the years, you still had not given him your virginity.

No, that was given to Josh on a shared family vacation to your parent’s lake house when you were both 18.

It was the middle of summer, and all the parents and younger siblings had gone to bed. Jake had laid your blanket out and for a while you sat on it next to the fire pit with The Twins, passing a stolen bottle of vodka between you and reminiscing about your childhood. After a while, you noticed that Jake had gone quiet. When you looked over at him, you found that he had leaned back and passed out on the blanket beside you.

Josh moved to help him up, but you were already on it so he sat back down and began stoking the fire, telling you he’d be waiting for you when you came back out. You tossed Jake’s arm over your shoulders with an

“up ya go, drunk ass”

As you were helping him into his bed, he pulled you on top of him for a sloppy kiss.

“Jake, your brother is right outside. We can’t do this right now” you told him in a whisper that you hoped sounded more serious than you felt at the moment. If you were being honest with yourself, you would have loved nothing more than to lay with him in that bed and kiss him until he fell asleep in your arms.

“Baby, why do you care? Why does this thing between us have to be a secret?” he slurred out.

You flushed at the pet name. Up until then, he’d only ever called you Baby in the heat of the moment.

“Jake, please. It just has to be…”

“Whatever you say. One more for the road?” he began laughing at himself, and you quickly cut it off by slotting your lips against his once again and telling him goodnight.

When you returned outside, Josh was still prodding at the fire. He turned to you immediately and gave you a sheepish grin.

“Clover, there’s something I want to talk to you about now that we’re alone”

He’d called you Clover since you were children but when he said it this time, it felt heavier. It held more meaning.

“Okay, Joshua. Lay it on me” you replied in an attempt to ease the tension that had fallen upon you.

Rather than answering you, Josh set down the stick that he was using to poke at the dwindling fire and he pulled you into his arms.

“Dance with me for a little bit, Clover” he whispered in your ear, and you couldn’t help but to say yes.

As you rested your head on his shoulder, he began spinning you around the bonfire to a tune that he hummed. After a few turns, you lifted your head to look at him and he captured your lips with his own. The kiss quickly grew heated and he dragged you backward, using your hips for leverage, until you were seated in his lap on the blanket.

You broke the kiss to take a gasping breath and pressed your forehead against his.

Mirroring your earlier conversation with Jake, you said

“Your brother is inside. We can’t do this”

“Can’t do what?” he replied with a smirk, as he ground his hips up into yours.

You found your resolve weakening as you pressed your lips back to his, and your hands found their way under his t-shirt…

You awoke at daybreak to find that you and Josh were still naked, snuggled together on the blanket that you’d cocooned yourselves in while sleeping. You immediately began shaking him out of slumber. Panicking about last night’s events, you convinced him that you couldn’t tell Jake about this. You told him that you didn’t want to hurt Jake, you didn’t want your friendship with his brother to end because of this.

Josh understood and he wholeheartedly agreed.

But, that little promise didn’t deter you from continuing to hook up any time you found yourselves alone.

And so, you went on for the rest of the summer, having secret “relationships” (if you can even call quick and awkward, hidden hookups a relationship) with both of these boys. But it all changed again when summer ended.

You and Josh had decided to go away to Michigan State University. Josh had gotten into the film program, and you had gotten into the botany program.

Jake had been accepted into the music program, but as the summer drew to a close he sat you and Josh down and told you that he decided to stay home. He wanted to work on his music solo and had been offered a standing gig at a bar an hour outside of town.

This is when you started pulling back from Jake. You were hurt that he lied to you, but you also felt immense guilt over the pain that you felt. You had been lying to him for months at that point.

At the beginning of August, he sent you and Josh off with a heartfelt goodbye and you promised him you’d see him at your first break. But, your relationship never quite recovered.

This is what you found yourself thinking back on when you woke up the morning of your wedding, extremely hungover, with the wrong twin laying naked beside you.

But, you and Jake had kept secrets from Josh before… you figured you could just add this one to the list.

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