postmodernsoup

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You need no name. You are the ocean. I am held in your sway...When I am outside of you, life is torment.

Rumi

from “A Mountain Nest,”

Bridge to the Soul: Journeys Into the Music and Silence of the Heart

(HarperOne, 2007)

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Chaotic Fuzz

I find myself in a particularly chaotic, yet fuzzy seaon of life—fuzzily chaotic perhaps. Responsibilities, tasks, endeavours, and plans, all unfolding rapidly as I scamper along only half-aware. My spiritual life is really undefinable right now, but somehow remains at the forefront of my mind. Where do I sit right now? The tired fuzzily chaotic presence in me says “Ehhh I don’t know.” I’m not making too many claims in this state. And still, I’m aware of the narratives I’m increasingly drifting towards, setting up camp within. Few of these narratives affirm Christian doctrine as I’ve known it…I go to church and not only feel sceptical, but vaguely apathetic. My practicum has illuminated my ponders on psychology, wellness, and the complexity of our inner lives…and I can’t help but implicate the faith in my own psychological journey. Some days I really acknowledge the almost inherent (I’m not quite at that opinion) psychological harms that religions can impose. Hyper-vigilance around morality. Self-policing. Policing others. Fearing hell. Fearing punishment. Pervasive vague guilt. Feelings of rejection. Feelings of not-good-enough. Feelings of intense cognitive dissonance. It’s tricky. And I’m finding myself far more inclined to want to critique it than seek spacious ways to follow the faith within those pieces.

I know my journey is but my own, and that this a season. Thoughts and perspectives shift with the seasons…and throughout all the shifts, I want to be Kind, Open, Spacious, Gracious--HERE for what the spiritual realm might reveal. Not hardened in lazy, self-indulgent apathy and hedonism. Listening to the season and resting in some sure things all the while. 

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“I will stop fighting myself”

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Part of finding is getting lost, and when you are lost you start to open up and listen.

Tafoya (in Research Is Ceremony by Shawn Wilson)

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A persistent question: How then shall we live? 

I’m not always so sure…but we can be “faithful over a few things”–respecting others, blessing others, and caring. 

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Music is important

Music has been a place of growth, inspiration, and solace throughout my spiritual crisis/journey. It has a way of snuggling into some ineffable place within…and it tells a story. It ignites memories. It exudes atmosphere. This is particularly strange when I consider my relationship with contemporary Christian worship music. A facebook exchange with my older brother touches on this:

Me: welcome to my postmodern existence--listening to contemporary worship music 5ever Him: primal comfort

Primal comfort indeed. I love worship music. I love to critique it too. But mostly I love it. And I feel like it loves me. Worship music is the one of the most salient places where I have encountered God throughout my life. Its rhythms and riffs are the soundtrack to profound teachings, discussions, and experiences I’ve had in Christian contexts (shoutout to youth group). And so I keep coming back to it, even though I can’t honestly affirm many lyrics in my place of theological hesitancy. In some muddle of neurobiology and spirituality, worship music unlocks a depth in me, opens me to reverence, and often leaves me pondering on Love, a big Love. Sometimes I feel cyncical about the relationship I’ve cultivated with worship music. And other times, I don’t question it too much, and I almost believe that God has things to say, maybe even to me, through these tunes.

Here are some of my most-loved songs at the moment:

Spirit Speaks by All Sons and Daughters • The bridge of this beautiful song emerges in my prayers often. “With every breath I breathe With every song I sing I want to shout it out "LORD I AM LISTENING" To every word you speak; I'll go where you will lead To love the least of these is my greatest offering”

• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_3aS5y5o1c

My Lighthouse by Rend Collective • This song is pretty darn peppy. For some reason it snuck into my soul. In an interesting turn of events, somebody prayed for us recently and envisioned a lighthouse during prayer—a lighthouse that we long to sail towards, despite the rocks along the shore.  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reAlJKv7ptU

Good, Good Father by Housefires • There are no words for what this song has brought in this season in life…it’s just been a solace. A place of rest. •https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKvCpAFcjI8 

I Love Your Presence by Eikon • A quirky tune that speaks truth. • https://soundcloud.com/eikonmusic/i-love-your-presence

Seeker and Servant—I cannot pick just one song from this ethereal, creative, and profoundly LEGIT band. • https://soundcloud.com/thegcmblog/tracks

This likely won’t be the last time I tuck music into a post…there are a plethora of tunes, both within and outside of the Christian genre, that feed our journeys. Music is a constant as our “inner landscapes” ebb and flow. As I am fond of asserting, if there’s one thing my postmodern tush can settle on, it is that music is important.  

Peace,

The Sass

#thesass #postmodernsoup #worshipmusic

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I don’t want a reason anymore about the one I love, the one I love I don’t want a reason anymore about God above, God above I just want to melt away, in all His grace Drift away to that sacred place Where there’s no more you and me, no more they and we, just unity Just Unity - Trevor Hall

The Little Calvinist inside me rebels – wants to squelch any inclination towards emotion over reason. Many Reformed pastors I have encountered are wary of putting emotion ahead of reason when it comes to spirituality. And yet we are undeniably emotional beings, and at a time of spiritual confusion, Trevor’s desire to ‘melt away in all His grace’ speaks to me.

Jill

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Lightness

I’ve spent a good many seasons immersed in urgent, existential pondering. The first season began when I was about 14. I didn’t know how to cope with the deep unsettledness brought on by the barrage of spiritual questions, cloudiness, and obsessed confusion. As the seasons passed, and came again, I became more accustomed to them. I could navigate and predict their ebb and flow. But those seasons were always heavy. Everything carried a nearly unbearable epic philosophical significance. I was consumed by spiritual questions, Life questions. Eventually, those depths became my new normal, even a safe place, despite the terror they often inspired. I felt really, really alive sometimes—that kind of alive when you can’t believe you exist in this unexplainable universe. Other times, I felt detached, absurdly abstracted from the sensory world. Often I thought the end of the season would mean some sort of miraculous resolve to my questions, but this was rarely the case. Rather, a “surfacing” from a season simply meant I had found a way to cope with the questions. In the midst of those seasons, my head, heart, and soul were so loud, so chaotic, so churning. I couldn’t hear a lot of other things. I probably missed a lot of stuff. And things were heavy… Sometime in the midst of the journey, I stumbled upon this Aldous Huxley quote:

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. I was so preposterously serious in those days… it’s the best advice ever given me… So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly.”

— Aldous Huxley

Aldous, I feel you. Lightness. But I’m so used to the intensity of my heavy grasp Aldous! What if I don’t know how to be light while also tuning into the deep wells of the human experience? Aldous, how am I supposed to “learn to do everything lightly?” 

I’m reminded of the meditative practices kind souls have taught me over the years. Many of these practices encourage acknowledging thoughts, and then allowing them to pass lightly through our consciousness. It brings a sense of “mmm”, a little rest, a little breath. I cherish these wisdoms, especially when the ebb of a Season begins to rise in me. Still, what if I want to be serious? In other words, what if I want to give a shit? And not just give a shit, but really Give A Shit, a true powerful TRY at all of this madness?!? Aldous, where is that space between “walking lightly” and embracing the depths? Perhaps this is the dance we’re all learning in life…when self-absorbed existential analyzing grips too tight, we find ways to loosen that grip, because we have to. We have more things to see, and indeed, more things to Give A Shit about than all that vitally profound stuff. Such as dogs, babies, and all the present and temporary joys right here, bouncing lightly through space-time. Maybe this scattered post is itself a bit of a metaphor for the lightness-intensity dichotomy—I can’t manage to keep this wholly serious topic out of the realm of candidness. I think you do the same, in your life, in your own way. Much love, The Sass

#postmodernsoup thesass aldoushuxley

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An Introduction

#introduction #welcome #postmodernsoup howthenshallwelive