pocketfulofdarknessz

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

i miss your soul next to mine, on fire.

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

i miss you.

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

damn girl u 🍩 know how much i love you & how much i miss u right now but i wont tell u bc i fear that u might hate me again for being clingy & needy so im playing it really cool. but please remember, i love you so so much. i will never stop.

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

i might sound rude or really be rude almost most of the time but i give out every piece of my shattered heart to everyone out there breathing. to whoever you are, i may or may not know you but i love you & i care for you ♡

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

i am an artist; drawing fine lines on my precious canvas --my wrist.

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

im still praying for you to come home to me. you could always come back :(

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

super weird???? may mga ngahhit up sakin bigla regarding their concern for me even my mom, ang bungad nya agad sakin nung nagvid call kami "okay ka lang nak?" eh never pa naman kami nag usap ngayong araw & wala akong balak sabihin? wala pa nga kong gano pinagsasabihan? sila jan palang tapos bat??? panong nangyari??? di naman alam ng friends ko irl yung ask ko? why just why im keeping it lowkey as much as possible kasi ayoko ng issue pero why sobrang weird talaga

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

It’s you, it’s always been you. Ever since I placed my eyes on you, I’ve loved you, I’ve craved you, I’ve needed you. And you’re not here to hold me anymore and I try so damn hard to be okay with that, but the truth is I’m not okay. Because it’s you, it’s always been you and I’m scared that it always will be you.

things I wish I could send to you (via fxck-every-1)

tanginaaaaa yaw q na

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

you don't also know how much you destroyed me

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

i desperately need someone who would never make me feel like i am a burden i badly want to feel wanted i badly wanna feel something

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

I should be blogging my experience the other day but sadness came in like a thief in the middle of the night. It came when i thought everything was going fine. When i was all contented. Im too sad –too sad to function, too sad to communicate, too sad to tell stories that made my heart happy and too sad to live.

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

A DAY IN MY LIFE ( 05 · 04 · 17 ) The nearest star was shining brightly outside my window; there was no sign of dark and heavy clouds as if dropping a hint that this day was a good one. I made my way outside the door feeling a bit hyped bc finally! After quite a long while, i got the chance to see her. My lips couldnt stop itself from curving making me look like an idiot smiling at nothing. As i walk towards gate 1, i felt my blood rushing and my cheeks a bit heated. My eyes landed on the most beautiful thing i have ever seen standing across the road, waiting for me. Her eyes that i adored the most met mine and her precious lips slowly formed a silly smile. I swear, i could feel my stomach flipping like an acrobat acting weirdly because of so much joy. Moments later, i found myself standing beside her waiting for a cab with my heart banging like war drums. After a short while of waiting (aka deciding where to go and what to do + making fun of each other ) and a reject from a picky cab driver, we finally got a ride to maginhawa and dropped off a bit far to where we wanted to eat so we had to walk to the other part. Shared a good laugh about little things, had small intimate gestures and ranting how tired and hungry we were while walking the down the sidewalk of the long peaceful street of maginhawa. Along the halfway there, we got really tired and decided to take the tryc only to find out that S&L was closed for some sort of kitchen renovation so we had to go back to where the cab dropped us off. Good god that was not so good. We spent our time walking and walking just to be disappointed??? Had no choice but to dine at Laruan atbp cafe. Ordered a few snacks and started playing. To be honest, their food was okay, not that disappointing as i have thought and the place was kinda cool but the thing was, we had a hard time picking what game to play bc most of their board games and cards were best played when you are with ur bunch of mudafuckas. So we played jenga, slapwich, brain box and reversed jenga which we did not get to figure out how that works. Guess who lost? 🙋 We left after a while because we wanted to go billiards. We waited outside for our uber & while waiting, we did silly things (for me, that was so sweet huhu) which really surprised me because it has been forever since we did such act in public. I felt really happy because she doesnt seem so annoyed with me. Our uber arrived and we hopped in. It was getting dark outside; the sun has set and the dark sky unfolds, slowly revealing the stars. I curled up to her clinging like a baby koala longing for warm, tight hugs. I missed my safe haven, my home –inside your arms. Your arms will always have the same feeling of security and peace –the only thing that could calm my raging sea of thoughts that drowns my soul or could tame my demons from deceiving me; from driving me to conclusions that arent true about me and you. You pulled out your earphones, shared them with me and put on a good music as i watch the sky outside the car window. You have no idea how perfect that moment was for me. I suddenly felt so emotional i even cried a few drops when by your side played. The lyrics were so strong and so accurate for it says, “Hold my hand and keep me close. I’ll never let you go. No, not tonight. Keep me by your side.” It was a hard hit to my core. Again, my tendons broke. My heart ached for how precious that moment was. Everything was so magical yet so real. My soul cried lots of pink pearls because of so much happiness. If only i could stop the time, i would literally do everything to make it last long –long enough to keep you until the end but again, we couldnt. After the most perfect car ride i have ever experienced, we arrived at starmall and played billiards. I had so much fun even though i never won a game 😂 We got tired and had dinner after the game. Talked about things. My heart would explode because of extreme happiness that i couldnt contain. I dont deserve this. Literally, everything was so real! It seemed like you didnt pretend to like me. I could feel your heart beating for me. You have no idea how much i longed for this day to happen. I got sad when i have realized that soon, all of this will be over. It hurts to think that all that we did today will just be memories to look back. At least, they were good ones. No, perfect. I know, soon enough, you'll get to read this. Thank you for today! I love you so much! This one was, by far, the hardest one i wrote. I couldnt put such perfect feelings into nonsense words. Let this feeling just remain a feeling. I know it by heart, no need to write it out. No one can grasp it but me. No one will understand how the fireworks exploded inside my chest. (I forgot to grammar. I was crying while blogging. Im sorry. I was just so happy)

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

A DAY IN MY LIFE ( 05 · 02 · 17 ) As soon as i unfolded my eyes, the peaking light from the outside of my glass window came before my lenses. The sky seems gloomy as if it was depicting what i was feeling right at that time. Shitty & miserable. My head was throbbing really really bad for i got disturbed from my afternoon nap. I stayed there for like an hour -- laying lazily while contemplating things about how fucked up my life is. The center of my soul feels dark and empty. I can feel my tendons slowly breaking as i cry my eyes out trying to wash away the pain that i am feeling inside but it doesnt help. There was a soft knock on the door, it was my ate inviting me to have lunch but i dont have enough energy to face anyone at that state just yet. Maybe satan sent his demons to disturb my not so peace of mind; ive been overthinking for hours making me feel super unsteady. After a few hours of self-torture, i composed myself up and tried my best to act normal despite of the chaotic feeling inside my chest. Had a couple of uno games with my ate before i got to decide to take a bath -- another 30-minute self-torture inside the shower. Got off, pulled on a pajama & a shirt and slipped into a pair of flipflops. My ate asked me if i wanna go out and grab churros and a few snacks. At first, i was hesitant to come because i was feeling really really off today but then, i said yes since i was craving for churros & to let myself be distracted for a while. The cab ride took a long while due to the heavy traffic on the way to eastwood. I forgot to plug my phone so while we where in the cab, my phone died while i was listening to my music. Luckily, the songs playing on the radio were good. I sat silent by the car window staring blankly at the almost empty road on the opposite side. Finally, we arrived & rushed to la lola only to find out that it was still closed. The outside tables facing crisostomo were gone. Disappointment was well painted in my face. It was the only thing i am craving for right at this moment. I ended up buying burnt peanut butter waffle since i do not have an appetite. We went on a foul-smelling 7/11 near jan's condo unit to grab milkis BUT AGAIN, it wasnt available!!!! Picasso once again painted disappointed all over my face. "What a shitty day i am having" i murmured to myself as i pulled out a bottle of a blue mogu mogu out of their damn fridge. We walked towards the benches facing the dancing water fountain and shared a few deep talks about love and relationships. There were kids running around giggling; too adorable not to stare at. I was busy watching the kids playing with their moms when a loud music played, the white lights went out and the park was filled with the reflection of the colorful lights. Everyone dropped whatever they were doing to watch the dancing water fountain. It was amazing! I watched carefully the colored lights as they dance through the music. My eyes wandered and that was when i realized that i was in the center of buildings with bright lights surrounding. Weirdly, the loud music slowly faded. The only thing that i could hear that moment was the sound of my heart, pounding uncontrollably. With that, i knew i was home.

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

have you ever felt unsafe? like there is nothing to be afraid of bc you are in the comfort of your home but your blood is rushing and your heart is acting all weird like something bad is waiting to happen because i do. my hands are shaking there’s a weird lump on my throat; i couldnt swallow. my stomach is aching like there is something heavy inside it but weirdly– it feels empty. my head isnt at its peace and its driving me nuts. i hate this feeling. i wanna cry and scream but i dont have energy to do such things. my head is throbbing really really bad. i can feel my eyeballs beating. i feel shitty & i wanna stab myself. i couldnt sleep.

[pocketfulofdarknessz]

A DAY IN MY LIFE ( 04 · 29 · 17 ) I woke up from a light tap on my shoulder. As soon as i opened my eyes, my ate was standing beside my bed waking me up for breaksfast. It was 7:30 in the morning, knowing that i am not a morning person, i really hate to get up at that early but had no choice but to grab breakfast with them as a sign of respect. As usual, i was the first one to finish eating so i headed back upstairs to lay down a bit before i go to the shower. We went to divi to run some errands and to explore the polluted streets of manila since we have never been here for a really long time since we were kids. We've been roaming and roaming through the crowded pasilios of 168 mall while i, kept on thinking about going home bc i was really really tired and sleepy. My legs were giving up on me and i couldnt walk straight bc i feel really crabby that time but again, i had no choice but to walk and walk so i did kill my time making puns to whatever weird item that caught my eye. To be honest, divi is quite amazing place bc they offer things that u encounter at sm at a cheaper price but bunch of stuff there were kinda weird and really strange to my eye like for example, most of the shoes there were pumps and they are not ur ordinary pumps but weird pumps. I have no words to explain but ive been laughing so hard bc of those. I have no intentions to blog my experience today bc i do not have enough pictures for the photoset since i didnt use my phone that much bc its divi (snatchers hehe) but i couldnt sleep and yuhs, i decided to blog to make most of my waking time. So, going back. We did have lunch at bonchon. I swear, every corner or every space of that place were so so crowded even the fastfood chains, the food court and literally, every where. The streets were congested with hot-headed vendors under the heat of the sun, surrounded by the loud jeep honks, loud voices and foul-smelling dusty air of manila. Everyone was in a rush. At around 2:30 we left divisoria. Rode the yellow bumble bee shuttle. Stopped by max's corner to get a box of caramel bar & ensaymada. Got home. Today was quite amazing but i didnt enjoy it that much bc i was not in the mood bc of i was really really sleepy!! 😴 But still, I had fun :) good night!