plussizepanda

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I said what i said

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Behind the scenes shots from the Body Liberation shoot I took part of with Ashley Senja (photographer) and Kayla Logan.

Top photo by Instagram.com/kaay.jpeg

Bottom photo by Instagram.com/Cally.meaford

#Body positivity #Bopo #Plus size #Disabled model

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Did someone say "walking aesthetic shitpost"?

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Studio Mucci is getting evicted by the Lisa Frank Hotel

Amina Mucciolo (aka the tasselfairy/studiomucci) is a colorful and prolific plus size fashion and lifestyle blogger who is getting evicted by the company that is building the Lisa Frank hotel in their rental development. You might have seen Amina’s apartment previously, it went viral and had multiple articles written about it. Now she is getting evicted so they can profit off of her home and art. 

She has a gofundme And you can watch her video about it here.  

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Hey everyone please watch and share this if you can. 

tldr not only is the popular Lisa Frank hotel suspiciously similar to Studio Mucci/Tasselfairy’s apartment design, their landlord (who is under the same rental development as the LF hotel) is refusing to take her rent money to forcefully evict her so they can capitalize off her art and work put into her space. 

here are links to where you may support her: gofundme // her clothes shop

here’s the link to her tweet if you can retweet it!

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Hey babes, this is me saying that even tho my health has gone to shit again, I'm still working on some big things. This is me yelling into the void of the internet because not being creative is incredibly depressing. This is me holding myself accountable to you and actually telling you what I'm working on which is...... *drum roll plays*

MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL. I actually already have 5 videos filmed, but editing has been a slow process because sitting up for too long in front of a computer hurts lol. And sometimes, I feel like I'm doing a lot of something for nothing, because right now there's no tangible way to know if y'all will even watch my stuff!!

So what I'm proposing is that, I'm going to drop my channel link riiiiiiight here: https://bit.ly/2mcGwNj, and what I need you to do is click that link and "hit that subscribe button" as they say, and I'm hoping that will motivate me to get some of these videos up!!

Now I know what you're thinking, "Aggie, why would we subscribe to a blank channel??" well, number one, cause you love me, duh. This is clearly only for the real fans, the ones who've stuck by me from the LiveJournal days and beyond. Secondly, if you subscribe to my channel before my first video hits, I will be including your name in my first video!!!!!!! Since I don't have a patreon yet or any other way of thanking you, I'll just talk about how cool you are to all my friends!!! And isn't that reward enough? (okay I know it isn't but just humour me for a bit)

I know this is getting long and annoying kind of like me, but I hope you'll read to the end and I really hope you'll subscribe to the channel. Your support means the absolute world to me and I wouldn't still be on the planet without it. 💖💕💗💞

Photo by the incomparable Trevor Twells, of course. Editing by me.

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CW: suicide, abuse, assault, medical negligence, parental negligence, probs some more stuff.

20 years ago, I tried to kill myself (the first time). At 15, I had already experienced assault, and a miscarriage, parental figures who saw my growth as an issue, and so much more that someone my age should have even been privvy to. Of course my dramatiqué ass tried to do the deed with a bunch of Tylenol and the gin I kept under my mattress. I started vomiting within minutes, and nothing stayed down long enough to kill me (not that I even think it would have, at that point I was already maxing out dosages of most over the counter pain meds daily due to, you know, being in pain all the time).

Ten years ago, I left my abuser. I ate the debt he left me with, took out a student loan, and applied for assistance through the Manitoba government to go back to school. And while I learned a lot in my classes, I also learned that nepotism rules the industries I wanted to break into, and I was far more interested in fucking anyone who showed me affection because I was positive that was the only way to show love. In the second year of college, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and fed mood stabilizers and antipsychotics. I had gone to my doctor to talk about my pain, and this is what he diagnosed. Funny right? At the end of my second year, I once again attempted to kill myself by taking an entire months bottle of Seroquel. They forced me to drink charcoal in a not very nice way, and I'll leave it at that because it's still pretty traumatic. I did end up working in my chosen field for a few years, until I was "downsized" out of my role for being sick too many days. The same doctor who diagnosed me with bpd, suddenly decided I also had fibromyalgia, and told me that it would be likely I would need a wheelchair by 30. Haha, jokes on you, I made it almost all the way to 35.

5 years ago I turned 30, which was already so far past how long I thought I had here. I had just been rejected by a job I was absolutely perfect for, because of a seniority issue, and I was devastated. I planned a trip to Atlanta to celebrate my 30th birthday with strippers, booze, and sex. After a successful trip, I came home to no commitments. No job, no partners, a handful of really amazing friends, but other than that, no reason to stay, so my mom suggested I move to Toronto. I decided in September, sold off most of my worldly possessions, and packed the rest of my life into two suitcases and a backpack, and moved to Toronto in November. And after some false starts, some really dark times, some hard internal work, some new found friends and hobbies, finally realizing who the fuck I actually am, and a LOT of therapy, I turned 35.

And I hope, in 10 years, 20, maybe even 30 years? (lol if we last that long) I can look back at the hard times and the darkness with a sense of peace. And I hope to see all of you grow, and learn, and find your own happiness along this path. And I hope that even the people who have hurt me find peace and learn from their mistakes. And I hope that the people that I have hurt along the way can find peace, with or without forgiving me.

Here's to another rotation.

(photo by Trevor Twells)

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Last night I got to meet one of my heroes, Mr Bryan Lee O'Malley, who told me my Ramona Flowers tattoo was cool, and was actually just the most humble and down to earth dude!

I loved his advice to an aspiring artist in the crowd "make things that people like and have confidence in what you make".

Thanks for making cool things.

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I'm obsessed with this quick n dirty shoot that I pulled together in a day with Trevor Twells in which he took this ridiculous outtake that ended up being my favourite photo of myself since last September's shoot 😂🥰

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This weekend was amazing I am finally starting to feel more human and less troll. I got to go to the island and see all of my beautiful friends in a show, got a forehead smooch, petted three dogs, smoked a lot of weed, got more hugs than I could ever count, got a chocolate care package, took a boat, and probably more things I can't even remember!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, despite everything that I lost this year, I'm feeling more complete than ever. I finally feel like I know who I am, and why I'm still here. I've fought so hard my whole life, and even though I'm still fighting, I finally feel as though I have an army behind me.

I've always been really good at making friends, but I've never really felt like I've had a community before now. I never really fit in anywhere because most of my personality was cobbled together from whoever I was hanging around or dating at that time. But now, because I know myself, I was able to heal my heart with the quickness! Of course I will always be sad about the things that have happened to me, and I hold so much trauma in my body sometimes it disturbs my sleep, but I have the tools to take care of myself now.

At the event on Saturday, a friend said to me, Aggie you're like the aloe vera of people! And honestly, I don't think a more true statement has ever been made.

Heal.

Grow.

And be hard to kill.

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Hi friends. I know it seems like the only time I'm posting anymore is when I'm in trouble, but the truth is, nothing's getting better!! I have 6 days to come up with $260 to make a payment on my outstanding balance on my phone/internet bill or else they'll both get cut! The total of my bill is currently $810, but if I can pay this for now, they won't shut me down for now, and I will try to figure out how I'm going to pay the rest.

If you feel like you can throw a couple extra dollars my way, I would be so grateful!

PayPal.me/aggiepanda

Thank you so much!

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34 needs to be burned to the ground and start over.

Let me explain.

This year I've mourned entirely too much. I've mourned my body's slow shut down for no reason, I've mourned my working life, my independence, and my performance career, I've mourned the loss of my snake, and most recently, my partner of 3 years decided that he couldn't be with me anymore as well.

(I don't blame him, I just wish he had left when he had first intended to, and saved me a whole lot of hassle, work, energy, and money.)

I am, however, relatively okay? Which is shocking. If this was Aggie ten years ago, the cavalcade of awful life events would have pushed me close to a constant dissociative state! Oh wait - that's exactly what Aggie ten years ago experienced.

And it's just never ending! I still haven't gotten a new disability tribunal date, and my lawyer has completely dropped the ball on getting me the support I need.

I'm so very lucky that I'm not 24 year old Aggie though! Because 34 year old Aggie has had a tremendous amount of outreach and support. My friends have purchased supplies for me, come to visit and hang out, and one friend even cleaned my living spaces and kitchen for me!

It's taken a lot for me to be able to reach out and ask for this help. I really had to access my DBT therapy to be able to assess what I needed mentally, emotionally, and as physical support since I'm still very low on energy! I'm so thankful for having those skills, and I'm so thankful to every single person who has reached out and helped me in some way. Even if it was just a note of check in on the 2 days that I felt like it might have been my fault that my partner left me, every single person made me feel loved, cared for, important, and valued.

Reaching out is hard. It's especially hard when you are so overwhelmed that you don't know where to even begin. But start with the things in your immediate vision. Start by writing things down. Ask for help, you cannot pour from an empty cup, so how can you unfuck your immediate life with no energy? How can you gain energy if even the basic tasks are draining you? ASK. FOR. HELP.

It's hard sometimes to verbalize what you need and that's okay. Start with just sitting with someone. Someone you trust. Just sit together. Start at the very beginning. You have time. And you have people. Even shouting into the void can help - you'll be surprised who shouts back.

I'm going to be okay. It's not going to be immediate, and it's not going to be easy. But I'll be okay. This isn't 24 year old Aggie, clawing my way through horrible situations only to try and take on all my life improvements by myself. This is healthy(ish), secure, and self aware 34 year old Aggie, who can only get better from here.

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It's been a while friends, and I apologize! My illness has not gotten much better, and I've had to quit pretty much everything I love.

I'm now officially become a wheelchair user! My illness has progressed to a point where my energy level is so low, that if I want to be able to leave my house, I need to be in my chair.

I'm trying to find energy to work on new projects, something I think you will all enjoy, but honestly, sitting up for too long during a rainshower gives me a 3 day migraine. I cannot fathom keeping down any solid food - I spend 30-60 minutes every morning rejecting anything solid I may have consumed the day before (including the tiniest things like, say, parsley flakes in the broth that I enjoy).

I performed my last show as part of an amazing cast of queers during pride weekend, and pulled together an act that spoke to exactly how I feel about my situation, on the lowest amount of energy possible, and performed on even less.

I'm still struggling. There's still so many things going wrong in my life. But I'm still here and I'm still fighting the best I can.

Anyways, enjoy some recent photos of me being my cute extra jellyfish self.

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Fuck It, I give up.

I have to pay rent in two days.  I am $700 short.  I missed a lot of work because of a fall *at work* that, since I was medically cleared by an ER doctor when I shouldn’t have been, I probably won’t see money from via Worker’s Comp, and if I do it won’t be a lot.  HusBat has missed almost a month of work due to his wrist and then mental health issues, and so is trying to figure out how to make some money for his part of rent.  I’m just so tired of this.  I’m so over begging for help and not getting any.  I’m exhausted by trying to figure out how to make ends meet, because they just aren’t meeting anymore.  I just don’t know what to do at this point.

Add that to the fact that I am two months behind on my phone payment and need $150 for that, and we need to pay internet and PG&E at $70 each, and that equals me not giving a shit about anything any more.  There’s no point.  I can’t keep up, I can’t get ahead, and all that’s happening is that I keep deluding myself into thinking “Well I can’t possibly fall further behind this month!” And then OOPS I just keep digging deeper into this shitty, shitty hole.

I just don’t know any more.  Here’s some links to give me money.  Or don’t.  Either way I’ve gotta figure something out and I just…I’m so tired.  I’ve got some content I’ll be posting on a side blog that will actually justify having a Ko-Fi, I’ll post that when it happens.

Paypal: https://paypal.me/TerryDownward?locale.x=en_US

Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/terrydownward

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Well, once again, it’s been a while since I’ve sat down to write. Even now I’m doing this slightly propped up while laying down in my bed, but I digress.

It’s now been almost 4 months since I’ve been able to work. Some days are tolerable (as in, I might only be sick 2 or 3 times instead of 8), but mostly, I can’t do much of anything.

I’ve had to drop a lot of gigs, and I’ve put making any new costumes or acts for burlesque on hold. I can barely stand for 2 minutes, how would I shimmy my way across the stage?

I can’t work. Even working from home has become a long painful process, and I’ve almost lost my laptop a few times to this illness.

I had an ultrasound today, I’ve had blood tests, I’ve been in the hospital… No one knows why this is happening to me.

We found one medication that sort of works (and by sort of I mean, it stops it from shooting violently out of my mouth, and instead, makes it shoot violently out of my ass), but it’s prohibitively expensive, and honestly, not the best way to treat this long term.

I also have a gastroenterologist appointment in June, so fingers crossed.

Anyways, to get to the point of this post. I’ve made myself an amazon wish list of a few fairly inexpensive items that would help me manage my current situation immensely. I know I’ve asked for a lot of help on this blog, but I’m hoping that there’s a few of you out there who still give enough of a care about me to help still.

Here is the link to the amazon list

And as always, if you have any to spare I have PayPal ([email protected]) as well.

Thanks for reading.

[plussizepanda]

Well, once again, it’s been a while since I’ve sat down to write. Even now I’m doing this slightly propped up while laying down in my bed, but I digress.

It’s now been almost 4 months since I’ve been able to work. Some days are tolerable (as in, I might only be sick 2 or 3 times instead of 8), but mostly, I can’t do much of anything.

I’ve had to drop a lot of gigs, and I’ve put making any new costumes or acts for burlesque on hold. I can barely stand for 2 minutes, how would I shimmy my way across the stage?

I can’t work. Even working from home has become a long painful process, and I’ve almost lost my laptop a few times to this illness.

I had an ultrasound today, I’ve had blood tests, I’ve been in the hospital… No one knows why this is happening to me.

We found one medication that sort of works (and by sort of I mean, it stops it from shooting violently out of my mouth, and instead, makes it shoot violently out of my ass), but it’s prohibitively expensive, and honestly, not the best way to treat this long term.

I also have a gastroenterologist appointment in June, so fingers crossed.

Anyways, to get to the point of this post. I’ve made myself an amazon wish list of a few fairly inexpensive items that would help me manage my current situation immensely. I know I’ve asked for a lot of help on this blog, but I’m hoping that there’s a few of you out there who still give enough of a care about me to help still.

Here is the link to the amazon list

And as always, if you have any to spare I have PayPal ([email protected]) as well.

Thanks for reading.

[plussizepanda]

Well, once again, it's been a while since I've sat down to write. Even now I'm doing this slightly propped up while laying down in my bed, but I digress.

It's now been almost 4 months since I've been able to work. Some days are tolerable (as in, I might only be sick 2 or 3 times instead of 8), but mostly, I can't do much of anything.

I've had to drop a lot of gigs, and I've put making any new costumes or acts for burlesque on hold. I can barely stand for 2 minutes, how would I shimmy my way across the stage?

I can't work. Even working from home has become a long painful process, and I've almost lost my laptop a few times to this illness.

I had an ultrasound today, I've had blood tests, I've been in the hospital... No one knows why this is happening to me.

We found one medication that sort of works (and by sort of I mean, it stops it from shooting violently out of my mouth, and instead, makes it shoot violently out of my ass), but it's prohibitively expensive, and honestly, not the best way to treat this long term.

I also have a gastroenterologist appointment in June, so fingers crossed.

Anyways, to get to the point of this post. I've made myself an amazon wish list of a few fairly inexpensive items that would help me manage my current situation immensely. I know I've asked for a lot of help on this blog, but I'm hoping that there's a few of you out there who still give enough of a care about me to help still.

Here is the link to the amazon list

And as always, if you have any to spare I have PayPal ([email protected]) as well.

Thanks for reading.