pleadingwithlifeforlove
CPTSD/BPD (idk what the fuck i am) Blog
Possible Trigger Warnings: ☣️⚠️☣️⚠️☣️⚠️☣️This is a personal diary blog. Read at your own discretion.
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I don’t get to sleep.
It doesn’t matter how hard I work or what nice, appreciative words are expressed to me during the day… the night is the worst.
When his thoughts run rampant. When he says he hates me and says “fuck you; fucking bitch” and blames me for ‘destroying [his] mind’.
He wakes me up because he can’t sleep and I was breathing on him. And my “1000 degree body” makes him uncomfortable.
Only 1 hour of sleep. No regard for what my day holds tomorrow. My “only priority should be [him]”.
During the day he can’t wait to marry me. At night he wants to separate forever.
#imlosingmygrip
January 2023
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I’m fucking annoyed, drained, overwhelmed, pissed off and sad.
This whole fucking situation has turned into a goddamn shitshow and I’m losing my grip.
I’m losing what makes me ME.
Fuck all of you pathetic, selfish, one-track-minded parasites. How DARE you inflict this shit on me.
One can only be so kind and stay strong for so long.
Say hello again to the demon who previously dulled her claws. You asked for this.
Fuck woke. Fuck healthcare. Fuck kindness. Fuck Max. Fuck this.
December 2022
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The worst came in January.
My body still bears the physical scars regardless of creams or supplements he has instructed me to take.
The mornings after it happened he told me “I don’t even want to look at you.” After the deep cuts on my face had barely began to heal.
He profusely apologized. But it’s been months and still I have to fight from flinching when he gets too close to how he was behaving that night and gets back in my face.
Months of therapy with him. I still don’t understand.
I’m still traumatized from everything that has happened between us.
Now it’s my birthday. My 30th.
For months he’s “joked” and said when I turn 30, he’s going to break up with me because I’m going to be “too old” for him.
Last year he kicked me out for “being too mental” and broke up with me on my birthday. Followed by a “no contact harassment restraining order” when I finally came clean to my friends about what he had been doing to me for months before kicking me out. He said he would sue me for defamation. Wrong.
Fast forward…
This year, he demanded a cake for him. Because recently (about a month ago) he was prescribed medical THC for Fibromyalgia and he “wants candy.”
Previously he’s flipped out on me (for being a diabetic) and being “too tired” to party when he’s wanting to be up and overly rowdy starting at 10-11PM when I had been up since 530AM for work and also have to the following morning. He’s said to me “I could be with some fun, HOT girl and not some lame, old bitch.”
Now it’s the night before my 30th birthday… I can’t celebrate *tomorrow* night because in order for me to be responsible and pay for everything and provide for us, I can only take my actual birthday off. So tonight is my night for fun.
He got too high and is “too tired.”
He says “it’s not my fault. I’m sick and I need you to take care of me.”
Where and when did you help me when I needed your support in that same fucking way? When did you ever consider me all of those times you kicked me out alone in the middle of the night without a second thought? When you took my keys and locked me out after you promised me I could come back home when I “calmed down.” When did you take care of me like I take care of you? How many nights did you freak out on me when I was “too tired”??
As he was falling asleep, I rubbed his back like I do every night. When I got up he rose and said he wanted more. I said “No, babe. It’s my birthday night. It’s okay, you’re tired. I’m going to go into the other room and listen to music.” He said “I can’t help it. I’m doing everything right.”
……
I’m not trying to even think insensitively but this HURTS.
The hypocrisy from him is astonishing.
For his birthday the last 2 years he fought me against whatever kindness, love, appreciation and gratitude I extended to him.
He had making up to do with me this year. He didn’t deliver.
It’s whatever he wants whenever he wants it regardless.
So I spend another birthday hurt and crying alone.
Happy birthday, babe. You deserve love, respect, sincere appreciation no matter what and ultimately you deserve consistency. You’ve grown so much and I’m so proud of you. Hang in there. I’m here for you always and forever. Xoxo love ME.
June 2022
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“You act like a child. If I wanted to be with a child I would date some hot 18 year old.”
“I don’t even want to do anything for your birthday this year. I just want to pretend like it doesn’t exist.”
“I don’t even want to deal with you anymore. I just want to fuck your mouth once a day and then not be with, see or hear from you.”
May/June 2021
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09.15/16.2020
He got dangerously close to raping me.
Towards the end of a fight (I thought it was over) he started trying to have sex with me.
I adamantly said “No. Seriously, no. Stop. I don’t want to.” And he kept saying “I don’t care, I’m gonna rape you then.”
Just when he was about to actually do it, I started crying.
He stopped and said “That was to teach you a lesson. Now you know what it feels like when you don’t listen to me.”
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09.14.2020
“You’re like a dumb, fat dog.... ‘I don’t know how to do anything right but I still love you.’”
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You’re never cooking for us again.
You’re stupid.
You can never do anything right around here.
#02/11/2020
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Words to describe him:
Selfish
Toxic
Narcissistic
Impossible
Chronically unhappy
Indecisive
Demeaning
Demanding
Rude
Unforgiving
Unthoughtful (word?)
Greedy
Compulsive
Mean
Pompous
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He doesn’t love me.
There’s no way you treat someone like that if you “love” them.
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I’m fucking pissed at you now.
You had all day to treat me well and spend time with me. But no. You were too consumed by your stupid fucking car.
Too late now.
Selfish, inconsiderate asshole.
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11/14/2019
“You crying doesn’t help the situation.
You crying doesn’t do anything.”
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No One
No one will ever love or take care of me the way I deserve.
I’m losing all hope.
11/09/19
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No.
DO NOT FUCKING JUDGE OR MISTREAT ME BECAUSE OF MY OWN SAD EMOTIONS FOR MY DEVASTATING SITUATION.
You don’t get to tell me how I should or should not feel.
You don’t have that sort of control over me.
I’m allowed to feel whatever and however I damn well please.
04/09/19
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I Fucking Give Up.
I’m done trying to alter myself to please others.
I’m fucking allowed to feel and think freely.
I. Am. Me.
And I am fucking worthy of love JUST THE WAY I AM.
If you can’t appreciate and love that about me, I don’t have room for you in my life.
04/09/19
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