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which blog to put this on. ugh. last night Guignol watched a movie here that wasn't especially scary, because I had a headache and I wanted a break from feeling so terrible. it was still a horror movie though, with the occasional jumpscare, and once it was over and I went to go to bed, he said

are you all right, and I said I'm fine, why, and he said, I've watched a lot of horror movies with a lot of people with a variety of kinds of trauma and related issues, most of them need something afterwards. most of us, I should say.

and I was like, what do you mean, and he said, I know it wasn't really scary as a movie, but your body was still scared and now it needs to know it's safe, right? like aftercare, but...for movies, and I was like, what...do you mean. what? and he looked at me the way people in here do sometimes these days and sat down and said again, so, your body went through something frightening, and now you balance it out with whatever makes it feel safe, so that it knows there was nothing real about the fear it was feeling. you...do know that's a lot of what aftercare is for, right?

and I was like, what

like, no!!! no I don't know that, and I mean, I told him the top level truth of like, as far as I was always concerned back in the day, aftercare was for pussies because it's something you only need if you were weak enough to not want to die, and he laughed because he's been to different but similarly dark places, he got it. but

no I don't know that! I'm not sure anyone I used to play with knew that either. like it was always described to me at best as 'I was mean to you for no reason and now I'm going to be nice to you for no reason, you don't deserve either of those things but it's just what happens'. which never made any sense

what makes you feel safe? rain sounds. we can do that. what else? I don't know. being stroked like a cat, but only in specific places and only sometimes. is this good? the top of my head, like a cat. I've never/I've always, so I said - I'm not sure it'll help with the general nightmare I'm living in. don't worry about that right now. is it good? it was, not that it helped me sleep because last night was just another miserable night of no sleep and crippling headaches. but I ??? I don't know, I wrote this down so I wouldn't forget it but I'm just going to back away slowly from it now.

out loud he said it's weird to have long hair again but he was thinking - weird, dangerous. long hair, a lot of blood, someone on that screen with a needle in their arm. interesting; dangerous. need to keep an eye on that. talk to my wife. breathe. it's always closer than you think. and he promised me that was okay, and not something I needed to feel guilty about, but like. jesus.

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The Rainbow Twins

Written and illustrated by Florence Mary Anderson

1919

#tristan

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Vivienne Westwood - Fall 1995 RTW

#orlando furioso

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Athos: Sorry it took me so long, I broke down on the way here

Aramis: No problem. Is your car okay?

Athos: Car?

#lmfao I'd forgotten this #jean du monde

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Gown by Basia Zarzycka.

#!! emphatic waving of hands #E #orlando furioso

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Margiela, S/S 2021.

#J #augh

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comme des garçons feature shot by peter lindbergh for six magazine, 1990

#E #spectral violet #alianora

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Spectrum: Best Contemporary Fantasy Art (1994)

#godddd #right in the soul like a spear lmao #E

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Amica Italia July 1994 - Monica Bellucci & Shana Zadrick by Elle Von Unwerth

#nancys

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Now divided into pathways and private areas, the garden is a series of visual surprises. Along the way, visitors come upon a patch of old-fashioned roses.

House Beautiful Weekend Homes, 1990

#J

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Cut to a flashback. One of the girls says to the kid, “You walk around with this huge fucking neon sign above your head and this arrow pointing down at you, like those signs in front of motels that say ROOMS AVAILABLE, except your sign says SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED TO ME, and you keep that sign all lit up like that above you, and you want people to ask, you want the whole fucking world to feel sorry for you, but no matter how much you tell it, no one’s ever going to understand, and it’s never going to be enough.”

Blackouts, Justin Torres (2023)

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100 Designers' Favorite Rooms, 1994

#E #not that it's not hideous it just looks like all the hotels I stayed in as a child #I miss this feeling. high up in the night sky and rich rich rich

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I’m glad I wasn’t born in mid evil times bc I’d be all like aaaaaaa I want to listen to Blue Monday by New Order but all I have is this stupid lute

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October, Louise Glück

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Jaime Corum. Red Tapestry, 2011.

#alianora #tristan

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#lmao oh my god

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Isabelle Adjani with black cat as Margarita in photographic adaptation of "Master and Margarita". Photography by Jean-Daniel Lorieux, 2008

#alianora