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pinkchronicles · 4 years

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2019 Recap

So, eto na naman po ako sa super-duper, ultra-mega late blog post ko noh! Hahaha! I was supposed to write something about my birthday but this year has been super crazy kaya naman failed ang goal ko to post here every month! Hahaha! And I'm not complaining ha! I'm actually super grateful because this has been one of the best years I've had. The best year I've had in a decade to be exact! I know sinabi ko din ito regarding my 2018 but tinalo talaga sya ng 2019. Hehehe! Today, I will try my best to go into details about the things that happened this year in every aspect of my life. So, let's start!

RELIGION

I want to start with this part because this is where I sucked at the most. And I admit it, okay. I've set myself a goal on finishing the Bible this year and well, I DID IT! August 26, 2019 was the date to be exact. And I finished it with the help of an app named Bible Reading Schedule. Not promoting the app. Ginamit ko talaga kasi sya. Kinda weird that I had to schedule things like this, I know. I'll explain why later. When it comes to my faith and such, walang nagbago. I'd like to say it has improved but I couldn't feel it nor tell myself na I've been more religious than the previous year. Hindi ako kuntento sa part na ito because I know I could've done better.

FAMILY

Best part of my life this 2019! I have nothing much to say here sa true lang kasi we all had a busy year. But despite of it, I can say na this is one of the best years for our family. Wala kaming naging major issue or problem, walang nagkasakit ng serious sa amin, our Tita was declared cancer-free, we did our first major travel together so yung bond namin this year is kinda different from the previous years. We're travelling again next month. This time mas madami na kami. I'm still super close to my parents. To sum it all up, very peaceful and balanced ang family life ko.

HEALTH

Another area where I always sucked at except this year. I honestly don't know if I am right in saying it because it's how I feel about it. The years of me being a super obedient patient is finally starting to pay off! I didn't have any serious problem about my health this year except for one thing that I don't really like discussing but fiiine, I will! I wanted this post kasi to be as raw and unfiltered as possible. I almost sunk into depression during the first quarter of this year. Keyword is ALMOST. Ayoko mag-open up about it because I know it's such a sensitive topic to discuss specially now that everyone seems to claim that they experience it at ayoko din namang ma-label as "bandwagoner". But I did a test last year. Ayoko na i-divulge kung anong test but it has something to do with radiations that brought a negative side effect sa body ko. That's where it came from. Thankfully, I was born a fighter. I'm not being arrogant or what but I guess through the years, I've learned how to take better care of myself. The moment I noticed that something is wrong with me or my body, I instantly go berserk. Hahaha! No kidding! Yun ang initial reaction ko all the time. That's why people say I'm maarte or that I'm always over-reacting especially when it comes to health stuff but that's MEEE! I don't think I would've survived and lived this long if I wasn't too paranoid about my health. Of course, another factor din na meron akong crazy but super supportive na family who are always there for me.

LOVE

Okaaay... Here we are with what I think is the biggest plot twist of my 2019! I won't try to sugarcoat things. There is a new person who makes me smile. Surprised!? Me, too! Hahaha! It feels weird kasi never in my wildest dreams did I ever think na I will like someone again. I mean, alam ko naman na dadating yung time na yun but I never thought it will be this year. I was giving myself kasi a 3-5 years of rest in the love department. But anyways, we are not in a relationship. NOT YET! Hahaha! And honestly, I prefer things this way. I know it's weird and people might say na I'm too old for the "no label" kind of relationship but I enjoy being single. Yung tipong hindi ka na-i-stress at umiiyak because your boyfriend is playing the ignoring game that goes on for days, weeks, months and so on. Nakakaloka! I may sound bitter (even if I'm not) but being single made me appreciate the stress-free life. And even if nakaka-miss having someone special in your life, I don't think I am fully ready to be in a relationship again. Feeling ko may kailangan pa akong i-confirm at ayusin sa sarili ko before I enter a new one. Actually, hindi lang naman para sa akin but for both of us (me and the new person). Gusto ko 101% sure ako sa feelings ko at sa kanya kasi ayoko namang maging unfair. Luckily, he's also in the same page as I am. We're both content and secured enough to know that we feel the same way about each other. That's the most important thing. WE BOTH FEEL SECURED KAHIT WALA KAMING LABEL. And even if there's no exclusivity in that situation, we both know we're exclusive to each other. Hahaha! Plus point yun for me because I don't like sharing noh! Bonus na lang yung knowledge nya about my medical history (he's my doctor) so he knows what he's about to get if ever we both decided to take things further.

MONEY

I won't go into details sa part na ito ha but this has been a very abundant year for me. Yung mga sales lang talaga ang naging problem ko dito eh! Hahaha! Yun na yon!

THOUGHTS AND REFLECTIONS

2019 has been a year of growth for me. It taught me a lot of things and I mean A LOT! I've learned to invest more in myself. To love myself more. I know it sound cliché but it's true. I've rebuilt myself this year. I'm slowly gaining my confidence back. I've always felt like I should adjust for other people but now I am slowly learning to ignore those whom I know isn't really good for my well being. I finally started mastering the art of dedma! Hahaha! Thanks to my special someone. Siya talaga yung palaging nagsasabi at nagpaparamdam sa akin na it's their loss for losing someone like you. Aaaw! At syempre naniniwala naman ako noh! Hahaha! Because of him I've realized that it's okay to leave and let the people that you love go. Like if the person that you love doesn't treat you well at puro stress and toxicity ang binibigay sayo, LET THEM GO. Walang mabuting maidudulot sayo ang pag-hold on sa mga taong ganyan. They'll just going to drain you. Why sacrifice your sanity and put your energy to people who doesn't give a fuck about you diba! I've honestly lost around 5 people in my already small circle this year and honestly, I never felt any regret that I lost them. Hindi ako bitter na nawala sila but life has been a lot easier since they left. As in nabawasan talaga yung problema ko sa life! Hehehe! If I knew this would be the effect of not being around their energies, I would've stayed away from them 4-5 years ago. Like seriously.

I've also learned to detached from people who only know me when they need something. The people who come to me when they have a problem but ignores me the moment they're doing better. I don't know how and why I've let myself get attached to them. Parang naging collection ko na nga sila sa dami nila! Hahaha! I don't know why I attract those kind of people kasi hindi naman ako ganon. But honestly, wala naman akong problem with those kind of people. Happy ako na I was able to help them in my own little way but unlike before where in sobrang affected at invested ako sa problems nila, hindi na ngayon. I've learned to put boundaries when it comes to my emotions. Kaya sometimes I kinda feel bad for Joven (my doctor) kasi this could also mean na he's in big trouble pag naasar ako sa kanya diba! Hahaha!

They say that you get what you put out into the world and I am now a firm believer of it. I believe in karma kahit ano pang sabihin ng iba. And I know I've been good this year kasi I was showered with good karma. But I've also seen a lot of people getting their bad karma served to them this year. I don't want to sound mean but it is what it is. I'm not happy about it. It's just that sometimes when they asked me for advice or help or when they come to me, all I wanted to tell them was to reflect on their past actions because it could teach them something. I'm not saying I'm clean and all but most people overlook these things. Or maybe it's just me because that's how I assess my life. Like if something bad happens to me or whenever I go through something, I know it's because I did something bad to other people. Yun yung parang wake up call ko na: "Girl, umayos at mag-behave ka!" Hehehe! But then again, I've learned not to meddle with other people's business and I've learned it the hard way kaya I prefer to zip my mouth.

Anyway, I also meditate now. The chakra healing, essential oils and stuff, I do and use all those things na. I know it's weird and very Tita-ish but it works for me. Para kasing nag-reset yung system ko after I started doing meditations. I couldn't function or stick to my goals without scheduling them kaya I now use scheduling and habit apps. Effective naman sya sa akin. Na-finish ko nga yung Bible diba! Hehehe! I've ditched the bullet journal because hindi sya fully nag-work for me. Like no matter what I write in there, nakakalimutan ko because I had to scroll pages pa just to find it. Naging visual ang brain cells ko this year. Sort of like out of sight, out of mind ako when it comes to stuff. And I've been super productive this entire year. I'm starting a new business soon (next week, actually) and I'm excited about it kasi ang daming positive feedback. Ayoko sya i-pre-empt kaya I won't talk about it na.

I celebrated my birthday in a very simple way again. Nag-mass lang ako then had dinner with my family. Pero parang 1 whole week tumagal yung birthday ko. Weird how people has been giving me food out of nowhere. I saw the old lady (the one I wrote about last year) in the church again. And she sat right in front of me again. As in parang naulit lang yung nangyari last year. Christmas has been amaziiing! First time ever ko nanalo ng bongga sa Bingo. There has been a running joke about me kasi when it comes to Bingo. They say I always pick the charity cards because I never ever win. Hahaha! This year I was able to finally say, "GANITO PALA ANG FEELING NG NANANALO!" Hahaha!

I think that's all I'm going to post about this year. As always, medyo hesitant na naman ako sa papasok na taon but I'm also excited for the new learnings, experiences and opportunities this 2020. I'm half-claiming it will be a good year for me kasi Rat is my Chinese zodiac sign and 2020 is Year of the Metal Rat. Para ano pa't naging Year of the Rat person ako diba! Hehehe! Anyways, as the new year begins, may we all use this chance again of pressing the reset button in our lives wisely.

Wishing everyone a Belated Merry Christmas and A Prosperous Wonderful New Year!!! Xoxo - Ayie

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pinkchronicles · 5 years

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Random Rambles

Before I start, Happy New Year! Yesterday, January 1, I went to see a movie and saw one of the people I had fallen out with last year. She's with her kid and he was looking at me intently. Parang he wanted to approach me so I smiled and waved at him because he's not involved naman sa disagreement namin ng mommy nya but to my dismay, his freaking mom forced her kid to turn his back on me and look the other way. I was a little shocked kasi I thought the issue between us was over because her partner invited me to attend their kid's birthday a little over a month ago. Buti na lang pala talaga hindi ako naka-attend sa birthday because of my vaccine shot. Imagine if I went there tapos ganon yung vibe nya against me! Honestly, I find it funny kasi it has been almost a year since our disagreement happened pero my gosh, hindi pa pala sya nakaka-move on! I mean I know iba-iba ang take ng mga tao when it comes to handling issues but this one for me is just really petty. It's one of those issues that's not worth dragging for years. One week of argument is long for me na, what more yung year? I easily forgive people until I reach my limit. And in our case, I can honestly say na I don't have anything to apologize for. Wala akong problem sa paghingi ng apology pero sa issue namin, she was the first one to attack me. All I did was retaliate so common sense, why should I be the first one to apologize? Maybe I should've kept quiet pero when you know you didn't do anything and someone attacks you out of nowhere, aren't you going to fight back? Pero even if she doesn't say sorry, okay lang naman sa akin because like I said, hindi worth dragging ang issue namin. A simple "hi" or "hello" would make us fine because hello, we have the same circle kaya! And it's definitely not an issue worth bringing your child into. Kasi ano naman ang kinalaman ng bata sa issue ng nanay nya, diba! Why use or teach a child to hate, ignore or disrespect the people that you hate? Anong klaseng mindset yun? Girl, anak mo lang ang pinapahirapan mo, not me. You are teaching your child to be vengeful. You used him and you continuously use him to get back at me and the people you hate. Maybe because you know sa sarili mo na kung ikaw lang, hindi affected ang mga tao. Kaya pati bata ginagamit mo. Sabi nila, you've changed na daw and everyone believed it. Well, I feel flattered naman noh because all you need pala is me to show everyone that you are still the same person that everyone hated. Choosy pala ang pagiging "changed person" mo. Okay lang, I'm not mad at you naman. I just feel bad for your kid because he's innocently losing constant people in his life because of what you're doing. Pero 2019 na. Sana kasabay ng pagpasok ng New Year eh sinabay mo na din yung totoong pagbabago mo.

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pinkchronicles · 5 years

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Life Update! My 2018 In A Glance

I don't think a post like this from me is something new because I do this every year. 2018 is ending in few hours and I honestly don't want to say goodbye to this year. Kahit super overwhelming ang mga nangyari sa akin, I still believe that this year is the best I've had in the last 10 years. They say the key to a happy life is writing down three things you're grateful for every single day. I wasn't able to do it everyday so I'm doing it every year na lang. Sana same effect pa rin sya because hello?! Who wants to have a sad life ba, diba?

I honestly don't know how I'm going to start because I had a tough, overwhelming year. Parang hindi agad applicable yung three things na sinabi ko kanina diba! Hehe. But it's true! I've had a mentally, physically, emotionally and financially stressful (because of my health) year. But for me, the health issues I've had are just few bumps in the road. I wrote a separate blog for it and that's what I'm supposed to post tonight but I changed my mind. It's too stressful to read. But I am grateful to say that I'm welcoming 2019 in good shape even if I'm not feeling well tonight! Hahaha! Ano talaga, Ayie? I have cough and flu because of the weather. But seriously, there is no reason for me not to feel blessed everyday. My life is great. It's not perfect but I am content with how it's been going. My family is doing good. I became closer to my parents this year especially to my Dad. I am close naman to my Dad but we are much closer now. Feeling ko nga mas close na ako sa Dad ko kesa sa brother ko eh! Hehe. My business is still there. Medyo nagbawas lang ako ng time sa kanya because I felt like I compromised my health by being more into it last year. I also started bullet journaling because I got so overwhelmed with everything that was happening to me. Yung feeling na parang my life is all over the place and I don't know which I am going to fix first. I am not an extremely organised person but I am definitely not disorganised (Only forgetful! Hehe). So far, so good. As per my personal life, I can sum it in three words: THANK YOU, NEXT. Thankful ako for what my past taught me but I still can't fully say that I am ready for the next one. One day I feel like I'm ready, the next day I feel like I just need more sleep. Hehe. I also started renewing my faith. I strayed away last year kaya bumabawi ako this year. I still need to work harder on it. I've also noticed na I became more open this year. Nabawasan na yung pagka-introvert ko. Actually, parang hindi na nga ako introvert kasi minsan feeling ko I overshare na. I also became a little more independent and outgoing. Maybe it's true na when you sleep naked daw, you become more confident in life! Hahaha! Actually, I slept naked for a while only to check if that saying is true! Hahaha! Looks like it is. I noticed na medyo naging carefree and vocal nga ako. I also upgraded my cooking skill so I am not your ordinary girl who eats a lot but doesn't cook anymore! Hahaha! I am very very very proud to the point of humblebragging to say na I've developed my own version of some dishes na! Naks naman! Plano ko na nga maging masterchef this upcoming year eh! Hahaha!

Excited ako na hesitant about 2019. I'm kinda scared na baka hindi man lang nya ma-reach yung half ng mga magagandang nangyari sa akin this year. For some reason, hindi ko rin magawang maging super positive because ayoko mag-expect. Expectations often lead to disappointment and that's one of the things that I'm trying to avoid. My mindset for 2019 is, "Whatever happens, happens". It's the most convenient way on dealing with life. And I deal with life in the most convenient way possible because hello, who wants to get stressed naman, diba? I don't do resolutions so wala akong New Year's Resolution. I have goals but they're not meant to be posted here kasi I don't really like reading something I intend to do tapos hindi ko nagawa. It sort of sets me back pag may mga unfinished business ako na nababasa ko that I'm fully aware of but I didn't get to do. But one of my goals is posting here more often. At least once a month sana if possible. I think I can do this one naman. Hehe. I hope my 2019 will be a compassionate year. I wanna work on my compassionate side kasi to be honest, I don't really find myself as a nice person. Seriously. I mean hindi nga ako gumagawa ng crime and all but I also don't put effort in helping or dealing with others. I find myself detached. I don't attach myself that much to people because I find it hard to detach. I grew up having only few constant people in my life kaya it's hard to add people na super maa-attached ka tapos they don't get to stay. I know it's part of life but I always feel like it's the least thing that I need right now (the temporary people) kaya I'm always disconnected. I can deal with any kind of problems with ease, just not emotional. I am bad at handling that one kasi I am a person built from emotions. Tama ba yun? I am like an emotional ball with face and body parts, ganon! It just doesn't transpire in my actions because I'm a Scorpio. And Scorpios are masters when it comes to masking their emotions. I'm not saying this to promote myself or whatever but I really find myself short on that aspect kaya yun yung part na gusto kong i-workout next year. In other words, I just feel like I need to be more friendly. Pinahaba ko lang talaga! Hahaha! Gusto ko din mag-spend ng kahit one day lang sa charities. I just don't know how, when I can do it and if I can do it kasi ang hirap gumalaw pag wala kang resources and kung wala kang support. Life has been good to me this year and kaya in return, I feel like doing something good to others. Parang domino effect lang. I think yun lang naman ang updates sa life ko. I know this post is boring but like I said, kuntento ako sa kung anong meron at kung nasaan ang life ko right now. Kaya kahit ayokong matapos ang 2018 eh wala naman akong magagawa because we all need to go forward, life needs to go forward. I am quite sad that this year is ending but I am also grateful that I get to have a fresh start as new year approaches. Kaya no matter how much bad may have happened to you this year, always try to be optimistic because life always rewards us a restart button at the end of every year. Happy New Year! ❤

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pinkchronicles · 5 years

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Love And Sacrifice

I know super late na blog na ito but I'm still going to write it anyways. No reasons, I just have to. I've had good birthdays these past few years but for some reasons, I didn't really feel na complete or 100 percent happy yung birthday celebrations ko. Either something or someone's missing, I don't know.

This year, I changed things a bit. No major celebration other than a simple dinner. And when I say simple, I meant "SIMPLE". Nag-order lang ako from Jollibee and bumili ng ice cream and that was it. Oh diba, ang simple lang talaga! For some reason, the only things that I looked forward to was attending a mass and eating some burgers. Weird pero my annual birthday burger craving has been going on for like 3 years already. Hindi ko alam kung bakit at kung anong meron pero I couldn't say happy birthday to myself unless I have a burger in front of me. Okay lang kahit wala akong cake basta may burger ako. Ganong level sya sa akin! Hahaha! So, that's what I did. I ate a burger and I attended a mass after 99 years! Hindi ko na ma-remember yung last time that na nag-mass ako. Maybe it was a couple of months ago and I am not proud of it. Definitely not proud nor happy about it because one of my goals this year is to rebuild my faith and my relationship with God. I know the topic is kinda off. I also don't like discussing my "faith and relationship" with Him because I feel like I appear as pa-nice girl. And "nice" is one of the adjectives that I don't think suits me in aaany way! Hehe

So, as I was saying, matagal nga akong hindi nag-mass. I was looking forward to hearing the Gospel. Yun naman kasi talaga ang favorite part ko sa mass. It's what I always go there for kasi it makes me feel like I am getting a spiritual cleansing and counseling. It renews my faith, it makes me re-think my choices and my mistakes, how I interact with other people, how I treat other people, how I am as a person and the kind of heart that I have. It does all those things but on a deeper level. It makes me re-assess myself. Anyway, first time ko mag-attend ng mass sa church that is inside the mall. It was in Landmark, Makati. I was kinda hesitant about it at first kasi feeling ko hindi sya ganon ka-solemn kasi nga it's inside the mall. And it's NovemBER! Malls are crazy jampacked here every BER months (months that ends in "BER")! Kaya I was really amazed and impressed when I saw how solemn that church is and how devoted my fellow mass attendees were. You could tell from their faces na every single one of them went there not because they wanted to or someone asked them to but because they needed to. Malinaw ba yung pagkaka-describe ko? Hahaha! Okay, let me rephrase that. They were there because their hearts and souls yearns for it. Yung atmosphere was filled with everyone's neediness for God and their overflowing faith. I felt small and embarassed because my faith do not even come at par to theirs. Not that I'm comparing but I have never attended a mass having a spirit like theirs. You won't see a single person inside that church na natutulog or bored or whatever during the entire mass. Maybe I am the only one who looked bored because I kept a straight face the entire time. I always keep a straight face anyways! Hahaha! Even yung Lola na nasa front ko, tinalo ang faith ko. I guess she's around 90 years old. She has Alzheimer's or Dementia, I'm not sure which but you could tell from the way her son tends to her na may memory problems na sya. But even so, she kept quiet and listened intently to the mass. I couldn't keep my eyes off her. Namiss ko bigla yung Lola ko. I have never ever attended a mass with a crowd like that that's why I really had to write about it. Parang biglang naging favorite church ko na yun! Hehe

Another thing that really moved me that day was the main subject of the Gospel. It was about love and sacrifice. The priest said, you can't call it love if it doesn't affect you. And you can't call it a sacrifice if it also doesn't affect you. Kung mahal mo daw talaga ang isang tao, kailangan always ready ka na mag-sacrifice. Kailangan apektado ka sa lahat ng nangyayari. He also said something about forgiveness. I can't remember the exact thing he said because at that moment, parang biglang naging clouded ang isip ko. I suddenly started re-assessing myself. Nagmahal ba talaga ako? Apektado ba ako? Nag-sacrifice ba ako? - It was a quick YES deep inside me. Now am I ready to forgive? - NO. I'm not ready to forgive. Mahirap i-forgive ang taong hindi naman humihingi ng tawad sayo at walang nakikitang mali sa ginawa nila kahit na super obvious naman na meron, meron, meron! Sure, they had their reasons and I also have my reasons on why I'm choosing not to forgive. Hindi ko sinasabing forever ako magiging bitter ha! I don't want to sound selfish or madrama but hindi madali ang mga pinagdaanan ko in the past years and maybe sila din. But one thing I can admit is that everything that happened changed me on how I am now as a person and it's not a good one. Am I proud of who I am now? - No. I think the last couple of years was the best version of myself. The old saying is true. Pain changes people. But I know this is part of the process to healing. Process na almost 2 years ko na yatang pinagdadaanan. Hehe. At wala akong balak na madaliin ang sarili ko because naniniwala ako sa due process of law! Hahaha! Simple logic lang naman yan. Mas malalim ang sugat, mas matagal gumaling. Ang magagawa ko lang para sa sarili ko right now is to appease myself in knowing that in the end, sa lahat ng mga nangyari, whatever or with whoever it is, it's all going to be worth it. I hope you are worth it.

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pinkchronicles · 6 years

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Last year, a day after my birthday when my acceptance of reality began. I was really mad that day and this is the one song that I've played all day. He sailed away and he took a part of me with him. I was here staying and waiting for him for the longest time. He came back, I thought we were good but he ended leaving me again with scarring words to boot. And take note: HE DID IT A DAY AFTER MY BIRTHDAY! What a douche! I was broken for the nth time. I felt like I've been played by the same person over and over. I hated myself for being an enabler and letting it all happen. Anyway, that was exactly one year ago today. It will take some time to fix myself. I don't think one year was enough to do it. It might take few more years or it might take forever. I didn't just get wounded and hurt. I got scarred. He was the best I ever had. But I know I deserve better. The lyrics says it all.

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pinkchronicles · 6 years

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So, I'm officially back at bujo-ing! The answer to my chaotic life. Hehe. Small scale nga lang because I get overwhelmed pag malaking journal na. Feeling ko kasi I constantly need to force my brain cells to produce ideas just so I could fill up every space. Medyo feelingera pa man din ako. Pag nakakakita ako ng mga artist na mina-mani lang ang pag-do-drawing, feeling ko artist na din ako. Pero ang totoo, maarte lang ako. Hindi ako ma-artsy! Wala akong talent sa pag-do-drawing kaya I don't feel like I need a bigger space. At para safe na din at mabawasan ang pagka-feelingera ko diba! Hehe. So obviously, wala kang makikitang drawings/doodles sa loob nito. At kung meron man, baka stick people type of drawings lang. Purely notes lang ang makikita mo dito. Appointments, important things that I have to do (not the ordinary to-do list but only the most important ones lang), numbers to remember, reminders, plans ko about certain things, financial decisions na kailangan na-vi-visualize ko bago tuluyang i-absorb ng brain cells ko. Yun lang. I am more of an "on the spot" type of bujo writer. I write whatever I want to write about anything that pops in my head but I only write when I feel like writing. And I don't feel like writing most of the time. Bujo pa more, Ayie! Hahaha!

Ayoko din naman gawing obligation or routine yung almost every single day/week/month eh iniisip mo na yung mga mangyayari sa life mo. Hindi ko kaya yan, bimb! Kaya I have high respect for people who uses planner! To the highest level talaga ang dedication nila! Hahaha! Bullet journal lang ang kaya ng powers ko kasi I find it stress-free. Kaya nga sya tinawag na 'bullet journal' because you get to decide on how you want it to be and how it works for you. As long as it serves its main purpose, go lang. Walang pakialaman, kanya-kanyang trip yan!

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pinkchronicles · 6 years

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Suppooort! #PrideMonth

#pridemonth

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pinkchronicles · 6 years

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Doing my GFR Scan Test. Grateful ako kay Ate Girl na best taga-tusok in town! I love her! Hahaha! I didn't get her name but she was the one who injected me with IV and the radiation medicine something and the one who performed my test. I was scared sa procedure because of the IV and the word "radiation" but Ate Girl made it super easy for me. No pain at all unlike the one na nagsaksak ng IV ko during my transfusion. Bimb, nararamdaman ko talaga yung pag-flow ng liquid sa vein ko nun! Super sakit! Anyway, I'm still hopeful because this could be the last medical test I'm taking this year. SANA!!! 📷 by: Jetty #LatePost

#latepost

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pinkchronicles · 6 years

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📷: @jtcstn #NoFilter (at The Venice Grand Canal Mall at McKinley Hill)

#nofilter

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pinkchronicles · 6 years

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Sabi ko, this year will be a year of "firsts" but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think na yung "firsts" would include a blood transfusion noh! Nakakaloka! One of my bucket lists is to donate blood (which sadly I can not do because of my COPD), not to accept. But ganon talaga, ano pang magagawa ko but to just cherish the experience diba! I originally needed 3 bags that suddenly went down to 1. Hindi ko naman talaga kailangan ng donor because the hospital has enough blood to give to me but people were volunteering out of nowhere. I ended getting one from hospital dahil yun mas convenient for everyone. Anyways, I'm just happy and thankful that everything went well and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. In other words, OA ka lang talaga, Ayie! Hahaha

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pinkchronicles · 6 years

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Dear You

I have been wanting to do this years ago. No, maraming beses ko na itong ginawa, actually. I’ve written tons of these but for some reason, I always end up deleting them. As much as possible, I really don’t like putting myself out there because introvert talaga ako. So, I don’t really know how to start this and how this will affect you. Maybe you would stop talking to me for good after you’ve read this. Whatever the outcome of this post maybe, I want to sincerely say sorry to you in advance. My intention for writing this was not to hurt you or to make you feel bad. I just really need to get things off my chest that I’ve kept for so long. Right now, this is the only way for me to feel better.

I am not really the type who dwells on people who left. For me, everyone has the right to choose the people they want to be in their lives. The moment I realized that you’re gone, I got hurt but I told myself na okay lang. Choice mo yan eh. I also told myself na I’m done with it. I’m done with you. I’m over it and I’m over you. But, obviously, I’m not going to do this if it’s really over for me diba! I admit mataas talaga ang pride ko and to write something about you at this point is quite hard to swallow. But, I never gave a damn about my pride when it comes to you. Something that I have never done to anyone else. You’re the only person who walked in and out of my life without saying a word and all those times you came back, I accepted you hoping you will stay na for good. But there are things that are not really meant to be and that includes us. Anyways, the only thing I wanna do right now is to unload because I think what stops me from completely getting over you is that I didn’t get the closure that I wanted. Yung type of closure na maayos lahat, every aspect malinis, lahat ng issues napag-usapan, walang ill-feelings and all.

So, fast forward muna tayo to where and how we are now. I honestly did not expect this because even if we haven’t met, we had a really strong bond or so I thought. The past days, months, years made me realized a lot of things. Mostly negative that challenged the positive side of me. Honestly, it is one of the things that I loved about you. I think it’s what drew me closer to you. Hindi ka boring in any aspect. You challenge my entire being effortlessly. Very raw and natural yung pagiging challenging mo. And by not hearing anything from you for so long, I realized that you were not really into me pala. You are not the person who I thought you were. I don’t want to sound negative or bitter but I know I will. I am bitter because I expected so much from you. You have your flaws (just like everyone else) but I never focused on them. I never looked at them nor looked for them. For me, you were nothing but perfect. Kind-hearted, thoughtful, nice, respectful, someone who loves me and everything. Bonus point pa na gwapo ka. I could describe you using all the positive words in the dictionary without having second thoughts because for me, that’s who you are. For the first time, I found someone that I really find perfect. YOU ARE PERFECT. That’s why I felt really guilty for lying to you. I could’ve kept everything a secret from you and just walked away or keep pretending na lang but I did not. I came out clean on my own. But like I said, I find you perfect so I thought you would be able to forgive, understand and accept me. I thought you are someone who would always be there, someone who really cared about me and someone who will keep understanding me, someone I could rely on, someone who could love me unconditionally (things you've made me believed) but hindi pala. Instead of hugging all my flaws, you ran away from me the moment you saw my other side. I was expecting you to be someone who would fight to be with me no matter how hard I push you away because we are opposites. But you did not. What I saw was someone who badly wanted to leave. Someone who wanted to escape from me. That’s why I let you go. But God knows how much I wanted to be with you. Ayoko i-bring up si God but damn, I prayed about you everyday. Twice or thrice a day pa nga kung minsan. I asked and begged Him for you every single day. And I did that for 6 years, bimb. I kept bothering and asking God for your ass! I honestly wanted to fight with you, to stop you and tell you to, “please, stay with me” but I did not because I felt that you are not happy with me anymore. At the time, it seemed like going away from me was the only thing thing that you want.

And it was. I slowly realized it while you were gone. I began to realized na you are not someone who I thought you were. Everything became clear to me. You are not someone whom I thought would be able to love me unconditionally, someone who would accept me ng buo. I came to realization na conditional ang love mo. Or let’s just say your love is limited. I even started to doubt if you really loved me because I realized that I never got your trust. Yes, you never trusted me with anything. I don’t know your address or where you are exactly located in New York. I don’t know where you work, what your work is, your brother’s name or even your car’s plate number. Simple things, little details pero malaki ang impact sa akin. It hurts to realized that from the start, you already find me as someone who cannot be trusted. I know I also didn’t give you my exact address but at least you know where in Pasay I am located at. You know my family, you saw their pictures, you know their names, where my brother works and all. Hindi naman ako criminal. I don’t even stalk people pero parang I cannot be trusted because you only know me virtually? If that was your reason then sana you avoided me na lang from the start instead of treating me that way because I did not force you into my life. Pero okay lang if it makes you feel safer.

I told myself before that I am going to meet you one day no matter what but now, I honestly don’t know anymore. There were times that I wanna meet you. There were times that I don’t. You were right. I am scared to meet you because I am aware of what and what not to expect from you to the point that I see you as a stranger already. You are not the same person that I used to know. And to be honest, I am not upset with you kasi it was all my fault. Kahit na alam ko na relationship goes both ways, it didn’t matter to me anymore. I took all the blame because I am the one who destroyed it. You've changed because I did you wrong. I also don’t blame you and I am not mad at you for giving up on me. A person can only wait for so long. And I know I’ve pushed you to your limit. But I want to be honest with you. I really wanted to let you enter my world. Like see me, get to know me, my family, my life and everything about me but I couldn’t get the same vibe from you. Parang may something. Parang you don’t want to become a part of my life completely. Maybe you do but only to an extent. Everything you gave me was limited. Your emotion, connection, trust, love, time, attention, lahat limited. I felt like you only want to have a lovelife but not a commitment. I mean parang you only want the feeling of having someone but you don't want the other things that comes with it. Anyway, it’s all done. The only thing that I wanted from you was a nice closure. Something you didn’t give me. I kept telling myself that it’s okay, forget about it and move on. Pero hindi eh! I couldn’t figure out how to move on from something that was left hanging. I had so many unanswered questions that it came to a point na I was answering them myself just to make myself feel better. Sana you told me straightly na lang whatever it is that’s bothering you or whatever your problem is. I can take whatever it is that you want to say to me or about me. It would have been easier for me to handle if sinabi mo agad na you don’t want anything to do with me. Simple and short but clear.

PERO WALA NGA TAYONG CLOSURE… Ang kulit ko but yun talaga yon eh! I don’t know if you “strategically” did it so I won’t be able to move on because of what I did to you or that is really your character. I don’t want to think na attitude mo talaga yung basta na lang mang-iwan sa ere. Everything was left hanging. I was left hanging or maybe I wasn’t but that’s how I feel. Maybe I am the only one who finds it hard to accept because yun nga, I feel like I was left hanging. Kahit kasi simple “Sorry” wala akong nakuha from you. And even if it’s not okay, I have accepted the fact that you are a non-apologetic person or maybe because allergic ka sa word na "SORRY" kaya you always have a hard time saying it. But I've learned to accept it. I accepted everything about you, good or bad even if they upset me sometimes. I remember it was even you who convinced me that we’re still friends but what happened? You went MIA for a year tapos you went back. You remembered me kasi you’re visiting the Philippines. Ang galing! Actually, that is the only thing that you’re consistent with. Everytime you come to the Philippines, you’re consistent about wanting to see me and all but once you’re back in New York, you act as if you have an amnesia. It’s as if I don’t exist. Whenever I text you, you become cold and distant. It’s almost like telling me to get lost because you don’t need anything from me anymore. It is annoyingly stressful because I don’t really allow myself to get close to people who remembers me or talks to me only when they need something from me. But you were able to do that to me. And I allowed you to treat me that way for years! And to add more to it, you expect me or you want me to sleep in your hotel. Sometimes I ask myself if I come off slutty for you to think that I could sleep with someone and act like nothing happened the next day. I also remember the free meals (the coffee, halo-halo, breakfast and dinner) you were offering me to make me feel a little better. Para hindi ka na mag-effort from now on, I have decided to decline all your future free meal offers. Kasi we both know na there is nothing good that will come out of it. You’ll go back to New York and forget about me and we'll go back to being strangers. Please, do not misinterpret that one. I’m not asking you for a commitment or any other type of relationship. I just want to say na it won't do any help sa situation natin (like it won't make us any less stranger to each other). We couldn’t even settle our differences privately, what makes you think we would be okay publicly? Baka we'll end throwing plates and knives at each other pa. I feel uncomfortable, awkward, scared, confused, upset and unsure around you now. I don’t know how I should act around you because I know and I am aware that you don’t like me. And I can't also act and pretend like you do. I am the person that you walked away from and the person that you don’t want to be friends with or even talk to and I also don't like the "new" you so I don't know how being together will work. I am actually close to thinking that you are allergic to me because of the allergic reaction-ish signs you've been showing me. Hahaha!

But honestly, I envied all of your exes. Kasi feeling ko nabigyan mo silang lahat ng closure except me. That is if I even made it to that category because looking back, I couldn’t really say that I became your "partner". FAN is the best word that describes me when it comes to you. I was your blind fan. But in terms of romantic relationship, I felt na sa HOPIA category yata ako belong. Do you know what a HOPIA means? It can be a food (a mooncake) or it can be a Filipino slang for someone who have super high hopes bordering to illusion (gay lingo of hopelessly hoping). Hahaha! I also envied your officemates because you spent more time and effort dealing with your problems with them than ours. I was so jealous of them. You did not take me seriously when I told you that, did you? But I was. You were willing to fix everything except us. I know from the very start that I was not part of your priorities. I felt it and I prepared myself for it. You have sons and they are and should be your main priority. Naintindihan ko yun. But never did I expect to slid to the 4th or 5th spot of your priority list. Happy na ako sa idea na at least I'm in Top 3. I should be naman talaga if you really consider me special. But I was not. You put me in the last spot and you can deny it all you want but that's how you've made me feel. Everything and everyone comes first before me. Your sons, your work, your friends, your staff... Everyone is a priority but me. I bet even your food or your car or even a homeless cat will come first before me. I've always asked myself kung nasaan ako sa life mo? Kasi ako mismo, I couldn’t say that I am included there. Okay lang sana if it was just me overthinking but no. I heard it straight from you. 2 years ago you were talking about your future plans and I asked you, "What about me? Am I not part of your life?" You answered, "Why would you become part of my life?" I couldn't believe hearing it from you. Of course, you don't remember it anymore because you have amnesia nga when it comes to me diba. Hehe! But I will never forget how you made me feel that day. Tinalo mo pa si Osama Bin Laden sa pagka-heartless mo but did I even get upset with you? Hindi diba. Instead of getting mad, I tried to understand you and I even justified your actions kahit na super red flags na yung mga pinapakita mong signs. I bet you will make me go through hell if I did the same thing to you. I bet you will ignore me for months. Anyway, I'm used to it naman na because you only spend time with me naman when you are available. But you are always unavailable when it comes to me. Kahit 5 seconds lang of your entire day eh hindi mo nga maibigay sa akin. I mean, how long does it take ba to send a text to let someone know that you're still alive? Pero kahit yun hindi mo magawa kasi busy ka nga. Actually, you were always busy whenever I needed you. Kahit off mo, busy ka pa rin. You would rather spend time alone or with your friends. Sometimes I don't even hear from you for days. Maybe I just got really obsessed with you kaya I never felt that we ever had quality time together. It’s always not enough. But I never complained to you. What made it worse was that I couldn't talk to you about it because ayoko mag-start ng argument. And for sure it will end in an argument because you have a very short patience and understanding for me. #AllergicReactions

I am the type who deals with issues beforehand. But with you, I had to adjust. I had to learn to restrain myself. Neglect the issue until it becomes forgotten because I also don’t want to stress you or upset you. You become non-communicative kasi pag upset ka kaya nga I was scared of you. It’s one of your traits that I don’t like but I’ve learned to accept. Mabuti pa talaga yung treatment mo sa staff mo eh noh! Even if you are upset with them, you talk to them unlike sa akin. Pag upset ka, you ignore me for months. Grabe! I was so scared of losing you kaya kahit mahirap, I adjusted myself and my actions to your liking. I LOVED YOU THAT MUCH. There are still times that I cry over you. And it has been what? Almost 2 years na yata since we ended. I am not this kind of person but with you, bumaliktad yung mundo ko. I gave my whole heart to you. That’s why I wanted us to be friends kasi nga I didn’t want to lose you. It is hard to stay friends with someone you have intense feelings for but I pushed myself to do it because I wanted to keep you. I wanted you in my life so bad that I would settle for us to be friends man lang. But you didn't see or realize it. Feeling mo kasi I always have hidden agenda when it comes to you. It doesn't matter whether I have good intentions or what kasi for you, everything that's related to me or about me is automatically bad. That's why you also deprived me of your friendship. Out of all the things you did to me, this is what hurt me the most. It was like you putting the final nail in the coffin. It took some time before I was able to accept it. Maybe it's also a reason why I couldn't move on because I feel so judged by you. What makes it more painful is I wasn't able to do something about it. I was never given a chance to prove or show my true self. I've been judged and misunderstood since day one. You made me question myself if I am really that bad for you to reject me even as a friend. But then again, okay lang. Your life, your choices.

Despite of everything, I am still thankful to you kasi you also taught me to stop being dependent on you. But I am also confused and upset. Confused on why you would say something like I could still consider you as my "beau" if I like. Upset on why you couldn't make up your mind about me. You kept leading me on for years. Why do you keep doing this to me? From the way I see it, you have too much hatred and underlying anger towards me. I can't say it's love because you don't treat someone you love the way you've treated me. Are you trying to get back at me (like get your revenge)? I know I messed up with your feelings and for years you've also messed up with mine. You've already put me through some serious shit, isn't that enough? What do I have to do for you to stop playing with my emotions? If you got hurt, I also did. 10 times more of the pain you've felt because between the 2 of us, I was the one who invested so much in the relationship. I didn't just invest my time, effort and emotions. I changed and bent my beliefs for you. Even if I wanted more, I settled for what you were only capable of giving me (with regards to your time, attention, love, patience and understanding). Wala kang narinig sa akin. I gave so much of myself to you to the point that I completely lost myself. I gave you the best version of me and yet it's still not enough for you. You were always looking for more (mostly wrong pa nga). You were constantly looking for my mistakes or you keep picking up a fight with me just so you could have a reason to keep me out of your life. I don't want to be mean but being with you feels like walking on a broken glass. There is no room for error. One wrong move and you get hurt. Instead of talking to me so we could easily fix the problem, you isolate me from your life and ignore me for days, weeks and even months only because I said or I did something you didn't like.

Honestly, I miss the old you. A LOT. I miss the bond that we used to have when you were still the person that I thought you were. Ang sad lang because it’s something that I know we won’t be able to get back to. We’ve outgrown each other. We’re both new person to each other now. And whether you admit it or not, we both know we have this animosity going on between us. And it doesn't seem like it's still repairable. And because of that, I don’t think we’ll still meet one day because whatever connection we have is gone. There is too much awkwardness and bitterness between us. We are not in the same page anymore, no more common ground. We are like oil and water na kahit anong gawin mong mix, fail ang outcome. I don’t expect us to talk anymore. We'll just fight if we do because I am extremely upset with you. Remember those last few days we talked? You told me you keep trying to push my buttons to make me upset but I stayed cool. Well, now you got what you wanted. Congratulations! Hahaha! Your fucking mind games (making me assume about everything), sweet but fake love (fake because you never trusted me, remember), false hopes to lead me on (treating me special one day and ignoring me the next day), the harsh words ("Why would you become a part of my life?" - thanks for telling me), the neverending character test (picking up a fight to check my maturity but couldn't handle my attitude, seriously?) and the rude treatments you gave me (telling me you changed your mind about missing me a day after my birthday that you have also forgotten, wow)… They’re all too much. I don’t need them in my life. I want to be rude to you and treat you like how you’ve treated me but no na lang because unlike you, I’ve always wanted to end things nicely. It's the least thing I could give to someone who became a part of my life and I’m going to stick to that than let my anger turn me into someone like you. So, on that note, I am really sorry for everything I’ve done to you. I honestly don’t feel like I still have to apologize for them because as far as I’m concerned, bayad na ako by giving myself, my understanding and my loyalty to you. For years, I tried so hard to suck it all up and accept you changing into someone else because of what I did to you. But I realized I cannot keep blaming myself for it and I cannot go any further. I’m done. Maybe I just got so caught up in my painted version of you and the person you keep showing me is who you really are kaya I find it so hard to let go. But now I am letting go. I’m fine about you revealing your true self and us not being friends. I also don’t want or need anything from you. Not even a call or a text. Nothing. So don't even bother to try to contact me again. I have also deleted your number because it only triggers me to text you nasty things which I don't want to happen. Ayoko na makipag-argue sayo. I just wanted a closure. I sincerely wish you all the best. Sana okay ka and I hope one day you will find someone who could give you everything you want and everything you’re looking for. And I hope there won't be another "ME" in your life. I mean someone who will go thru all of it and still won't have you in the end. Please stop breaking people's hearts. Even so, I think and I still believe that you are a nice person (to others). Hehe. Thank you for all the lessons and for making me a better person. I mean it in a good way. GOODBYE, GREG.

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