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Pig Back, Pig Away

Piggie has been sick. See above. He has had a serious case of asthma that is aggravated by his own synthetic skin. As well as this, him and Estelle are on the rocks. They're slippery, divorcey rocks. Talk about knocking a pig when he's down. He really misses Estelle.

As a result, Piggie feels like he is to 'life' as fridge magnets are to 'advertising materials' - unnecessary, cheap (often free, in fact) and too easily attached. 

Piggie has decided to go on a trip to the tropical paradise that is Pigtopia to take his mind off Estelle and his asthma. He has requested a room without a fridge in order to stay away from magnets and that depressing analogy.

Here he is (above) levitating in front of the aeroplane that will take him to Pigtopia. If he can levitate, why is he taking a plane? A fair question, but Piggie points out that if emotions can fly why do they need humans to carry them?

Good point, Piggie. Also, a strange one.

In any case, Piggie boarded the plane and was shocked to find a complimentary 'PigStar Airlines' fridge magnet handed to him by a friendly attendant. He attempted to toss it away but in a cruel twist of fate, it became stuck on the metal part of his safety buckle.

Oh gosh.

Piggie almost boiled himself into stew. He took a deep breath and cooled down, though, being aware of the state of airline food and the fact that his boiled self may be eaten by his fellow passengers in order to avoid consuming what was presented to them by the attendants. 

Piggie is in a bind. Can he levitate out of the plane to save himself? Not sure. Find out in the next edition of Pigtures!

#Pig Back #Aeroplane #Holiday #fridge magnets #Piggie #Pigtures

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Pig Bush 2 - The Triumphant Escape

We saw last time that Piggie was lost in the bush. As you can see above, Piggie is now triumphantly riding a bear out of the (well paved) forest to freedom.  Look at that bear, in all its ferociousness and majesty. Grrrrrr.

Piggie's mastery of the bear was only one-upped when he rode past a Cowboy and his horse. Piggie thought it was strange that someone would ride a horse. Bears are for the riding. Horses like honey and just want to sleep all day.

Piggie and the Cowboy, called Sticky, got on amazingly. They immediately stood together, side-by-side, as if posing for a photograph, even though there were no photographers around and even if there were, Piggie was camera shy.

They stood like this for a while, until it became quite awkward, and Piggie became suspicious. Sticky persisted, standing perfectly still - as if he were a toy - as Piggie edged away.   Piggie had seen Brokeback Mountain and was pretty sure he knew what was going down.

Being a committed man, Piggie saddled up his bear, gave Sticky's horse some honey, and rode away to civilisation. 

He looked back as he galloped forward and Sticky had disappeared into the bowl of grapes behind him. What was a life-sized bowl of grapes doing in the forest? We will never know. Pig out.

#Cowboy #ToyStoryPig #Piggie #Pig

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Pig Bush

In order to get away from it all, Piggie decided to go bush. Having never hiked, he did not have the required protective and performance clothing.

So, he went to The North Pig to stock up. Piggie, however, wasn't prepared for the sky high prices of the necessary items. $1000 for a jacket full of duck fluff?! Piggie knew some ducks personally. It would be cheaper for him to pluck them and glue the feathers onto his plush! He made a note: Ask Gary -- can I pluck him? Piggie asked Gary, but to no avail. Gary said that even if Piggie was the last Pig on earth, he would still not let Piggie pluck him. So, he set off into the wilderness and instantly got lost. He was a mess. It was cold and all he wanted was to be warm and to be loved. He had neither a blanket nor a wireless internet connection. Things were bad. In fact, but for the lush forest of trees covering him (pictured) he would be completely, full-frontal nude. Come on, piggie. This is tumblr, not Playpig.  Tune in next time to see how Piggie navigates his way out of A BEAR'S MOUTH.

#Pig #Piggie #Pig Bush

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Pig Pope

Regular readers would be aware that when we last met, Piggie was about to buy himself a new pair of red boots. See them above. He was now a new pig. Even better, the boots were lined with plush, the same material that Piggie himself is made of. That would be like a human wearing shoes lined with skin, a fish wearing shoes lined with scales or a shoe wearing shoes lined with shoes. Yikes. In any case, Piggie stepped out with pride on his first day of wearing the new red trotters. This day happened to align with the recent search for a new Pope. Piggie, not believing in any omnipresent, all knowing Pig/ God, was unaware of this momentous occasion.

Thus, he was also unaware that Popes have traditionally worn red trotters. Just like his new pair. Not sure about you, but I can smell disaster frying. Disaster and eggs. Mmmmm.

It wasn't even lunchtime when some Catholipigs spotted Piggie and hailed him as the next Pope. They were so taken by his new red trotters that they arranged the HeliPope to fly him straight to Pope Castle and prepared the white-smoke machine.

Piggie, however, declined, saying that he felt as though he was not prepared for the Papalcy, and that the world was not ready for a Pig Pope anyway. 

When pigs fly, he thought, when pigs fly.

#Pig #Pope #PigPope #PigsMightFly #RedBoots

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Pig Down

The last couple of days have taken it out of Piggie. Becoming a Hipster God (see below) and doing a spin class (see below below) proved to be a bit too much for this pig (see above). 

Estelle told Piggie that she'd like to spend more time with him. Piggie was confused because even if he did have anything to sell, he doubted that herbs could be legal tender. Maybe in a barter system, but Piggie wasn't willing to change the world economy with Estelle. Their relationship was already shaky at best and tottering at worst. To cheer himself up, he decided to buy a new pair of boots. Tune in next time to witness the terrifying results.

Pig out.

#thyme #Piggie #Pig #PigDown

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Pig Hip

Piggie's inferiority complex (see below) led him to search for a way to turn a new page. He thought about getting a tattoo but discovered that the ink would not sit well on his skin because it was made of plush. Synthetic plush.  He was horrified to discover this as he'd always thought that he was made of bacon and pork and trotters.  No matter, he thought, why don't I grow a moustache? And so he did. He was also surprised to know that (1) he could even grow one, because he had never had to shave, and (2) it grew an intense black (pigtured). It contrasted beautifully with his fluffy pink complexion. He was very happy with it and bought some superglue to craft a lovely curl. Yes, to match his tail. Piggie was additionally unaware of the hipster/ indie trend towards cultivating a mo' just like his. He found out, however, when a group of Hips accosted him on his way to the office. They asked him if they could Instapig a picture of him and his sensational snout duster.  Not knowing what Instapig was, he consented and went on his way.  The day after, Piggie discovered that an anonymous Hip had created a Piglr blog dedicated to Piggie's mo'! He was astounded. The Piglr site went viral, #StylishHipMo was trending on Squealer, and soon Piggie was being interviewed by Karl Stefanopig. The attention went to his head and he gorged himself on dog's ears and 'human and eggs'. He was happy and newly hip until Estelle (Piggie's wife) informed him that the praise was vapid and would fade as quickly as the Macbook Pro screen that the Piglr blog was being written on.  His bubble was burst and he shaved off the mo'.

Piggie was no longer hip. However, he did sell the mo' shavings for a whole 50c. He used the money to buy a 50c ice-cream cone from McPiggles. The ice-cream was made of pig fat. 

The end.

#Hipster #Pig #Piggie #PigWithAMoustache

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Pig Fit

Piggie wanted to get fit. His wife kept giving him a hard time for his yo-yo dieting and bad temper. He wanted a permanent solution so turned to spin classes to help him stay mentally and physically well. Gary from the office brought him along to his regular class (pictured). Piggie hated it and now thinks less of Gary. Piggie's legs and crotch hurt and he threw up 16 minutes into the class. Piggie would now think twice before speaking to Gary in the lift because piggy is suspicious of Gary's motives. Piggie thinks that Gary is seeing his wife (Estelle) behind his back and will include Piggie's lack of success at the spin class in the long list of reasons why Estelle should choose Gary over him. Other reasons include: - Piggie's recreational use of laxatives;

- His lack of professionalism in the bedroom/ sty; and

- His insistance that he is a stuffed toy.

As you can see, things are looking pretty good for Gary. At least Piggie is trying. Gary has been handed everything in a silver trough since he was a piglet. This is another reason why Piggie resents Gary. Gary always gets his way.

Not anymore. Piggie has decided to change for the better - once and for all. Follow the classic under-pig story of Piggie on this blog.

Let's hope he kills Gary. 

#Pig #Fit #Pigtures #Spinclass