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Post-AGT Appearance 1296: Wstawaj, Szkoda Dnia! 91.0 fm April 30
Man of my Dreams would have dropped to 33 last week.
Because things would be nicer, Biden would be going senile more slowly and less obviously. The report that he was probably guilty of treason but too senile to testify in court would have been released last Wednesday. Most people would have reacted exactly the same way as they really did, but more people would be surprised.
Back in February I would have written a song in support of Israel capturing the kidnappers. My agent and I would agree I could not release it or produce it, but he would have alerted a few of his more distressed clients and one of them would have adapted it. They would have recorded it with a company brought into existence only for that purpose, then dissolved. In Early April it would have been released to limited specialty stores, recorded in English, Hebrew and Polish. Last week a radio station in Poland, a station that plays rock hits and gives some news, would have started playing the song in Polish. This morning, Poland time, on a show called Wstawaj, Szkoda Dnia! they would play it in English. This would be very different from my version but with a few scattered lines. Przemyslaw Skowron hosts the show with Mariusz Kalamaga and Jacek Tomkowicz. Skowron would introduce it.
Skowron: Witaj ponownie we Wstawaj, Szkoda Dnia. W tym programie nie opowiadamy się po żadnej ze stron w kwestiach politycznych, ale je szanujemy. od tygodnia gramy po polsku nową pieśń polityczną Jahwe walczy dla nas. Jest to hymn solidarności z narodem Izraela w jego walce z obecnymi przeciwnikami. Polacy rozumieją, jak to jest być po obu stronach tej sytuacji. Dzisiaj chciałbym zagrać kolejną wersję piosenki w języku angielskim.
We serve the God of Abraham.
He told Moses to call him the great I Am.
He bro’t us out of Egypt and through the Red Sea,
Gave us the land that flows with milk and honey.
He opposed Edom and Moab, the Amorites too,
Philistines, Hittites, all other foes of the Jew.
Chorus:
Yahweh fights for us!
Yahweh fights for us!
These enemies will fall like the others, ‘cause Yahweh fights for us!
In the darkest hours of Israel’s past,
He sent us deliv’rers first to last,
Gideon, Jephthah and Samson the strong,
Samuel, Saul and David before very long.
They bro’t down our enemies time after time;
And he’s with us now during this awful crime.
Repeat chorus
So hear this Hezbollah, Hamas, PLO,
We’ll find and destroy you wherever you go!
You can run, you can hide, but whatever you do,
Your cause is hopeless when you battle the Jew.
Because God is our general, as he was long ago,
And to any new challenger, this you must know:
Yahweh fights for us!
Yahweh fights for us!
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Post-AGT Appearance 1295: George Davis KBXB 97.9 fm April 18
With Phillip out of a coma the matter of the last name on his sick list would again come to the fore. several baseball players have passed away recently and one of them: Whitey Herzog, would have been 80th on the first list of suspects, dropped to 81st in the first update, returned to 80th in the second update, sank a bit, rose to 80th again in 2017 and dropped out of the top 100 in 2020. Some people would be curious after his death. On Thursday morning I would be at my mother's house in Massachusetts, tending to her ailments when my agent would ask for a quote about Herzog. I would promptly reply and it would be released immediately on all websites. The first to quote me would be George Davis from radio station KBXB in Missouri. He hosts a classic country show from 10 am to 3 pm Monday through Friday. The station calls itself Freedom 97 and airs St. Louis Cardinals games. He would mention it just after 1 pm local time.
Davis: that was Missouri Misery, still a big hit around here. It's a little newer than most songs we play here, but it's by Phil Cole and we have an announcement about him. As you know he has a sick colleague named Phillip, who, I understand is feeling better since he heard that O. J. Simpson passed away last week. Well, he has a long list of folks who make him sick and some people around here have been wondering if Whitey Herzog, former coach of the Royals and Cardinals, might be the last mystery name on his list. Well, he just released a statement. I'll read it to you. It says:
PBC: No one on our team had any animosity against Whitey Herzog. Some of us were not so fond of Ken Holtzman though.
Davis: Well, that's all he says, but do you reckon it might be a baseball man on the list. It could be Pete Rose. Maybe it could be a Yankee. He's from Boston don't you know. Let's see: Derek Jeter or Mariano Rivera maybe..or it could be one of them steroids guys, Canseco or Mark Maguire. Let's have some fun. You can call me or text me. Is there a baseball player who makes you just a little queasy in the stomach every time you hear his name.
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Post-AGT Appearance 1294: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert April 16
Man of my Dreams would have dropped to 30th last weekend.
At any time in the last 8 years the death of O. J. Simpson would have been followed by an upgrade in Phillip's condition, however his fate would be in the hands of the Colbert people. Since the announcement last week people on both sides of the euthenasia argument would have condemned the show for what they were doing. It would not have hurt their ratings. However with the death of a person from Phillip's sick list they would decide to have Phillip come out of the coma and postpone his demise. This would require me to leave my sickbed in Nevada for a sicker bed in New York to play Phillip. We would appear in the second segment, just before midnight.
Colbert: Welcome back. As most of you know last Tuesday we announced that we would be pulling the plug on Phillip the Boston intellectual. Thank you. Then on Thursday O. J. Simpson passed away. Thank you, and I'm sure O. J. thanks you. Now..um...Now some of you apparently don't know that O. J. Simpson was one of the celebrities who make Phillip sick.
(He plays part of the video with Cole reading the list as posted in 2014.)
Colbert: Well, with the news that one of the people on the list is deceased, Phillip revived, out of the coma. We can't pull the plug because there is no plug to pull. Thank you!...Wow! Thank you. So we now present to you Phillip, out of the coma.
(The curtains open to reveal Phillip in the hospital bed with 2 attendants.)
Colbert: Phillip, how do you feel?
Phillip: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Colbert: Are you happy that O. J. is no longer with us?
Phillip: Uhhhhhhh....uhhhhh.
Colbert: Well, thank you for joining us. Get well soon and join us again. thank you. Stay tuned for George Takei.
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Post-AGT Appearance 1293: Nightside with Dan Rea April 9
I would have recorded a country album but have no specific plans for when to release it. Then I would get very sick and spend the night of March 28 in the hospital. My voice would not have recovered as yet.
Toad woman of Tennessee would have ended its run at $235 million domestic March 24. Dune part 2 would have passed it for highest domestic gross on Easter. Man of my Dreams would have dropped to 25, 27 and then 28 the last 2 weeks.
Though he would be in second place, Burgum would have dropped out on March 16. Haley would have remained in the race, but Trump and Biden would have won every primary since, clinching their respective nominations April 2.
On March 21 the Colbert people would have contacted me, instructing me that it was time to reveal the last name on Phillip's list to one individual. I would have met the man at home on March 25 and revealed the name. It would take him only a few minutes to determine that the person could not be a guest on the show.
This morning the show would have contacted me, telling me they were going to announce the date for pulling the plug on tonight's show. I was to prepare a comment, intending to say nothing else until the big day. After talking to my agent for a while we would decide on the best possible comment. Colbert would have an extended opening tonight and make the announcement at 11:53 pm. At that same moment every website and social media platform would also post my comment. The first to quote me would be Dan Rea on Nightside with Dan Rea on WBZ in Boston, just before the end of his show (midnight).
Rea: We have breaking news just this minute. Some of you may be familiar with the fictional character Phillip the Boston intellectual. He's a product of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team and his schtick is that he gets sick when he hears the name Donald Trump, among others. Well, this man has been in a coma since the Democratic primary, his fate in the hands of the Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Well they just announced that they are going to pull the plug on May 22. That's a...Wednesday I guess. In response Phil Cole said, quote:
PBC: No comment.
Rea: So everyone will be talking about that tomorrow. For now this is Dan Rea saying, good night.
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Post-AGT Appearance 1292: Up Front WNRI 1380 am March 13
Some people would be a little unhappy that I violated protocol by revealing that Brian Mulroney was not the last name on Phillip's list with that interview. My agent would have selectively distributed highlights of that interview to increase my international fame. With the essential contracts completed I would have gone home to Nevada for the dry air.
Man of my Dreams would have been 24th the last 3 weeks. Toad woman of Tennessee would have reached $235 million last weekend. My wife would have won the Oscar for costume design but not quoted me. She would have found out what an EGOT is and came home thinking we were halfway there. I would have to explain that I won the Grammy and she won the Oscar so each of us was one fourth of the way there.
Haley really did win Washington D.C. and Vermont. She would also have won Massachusetts last week. Burgum would have won Oklahoma, Colorado, Utah and Alaska, however Trump would have won all 4 primaries on March 12, Washington state closest: 42-35 over Burgum. Biden would have won everywhere except Hawaii, where None of the Above would have won 56-40.
Ron St. Pierre was a talk radio host in Rhode Island for decades. Few people know that, but people in Rhode Island would have suspected he might be the last name on Phillip's list. When they learned of his death Tuesday afternoon some would ask my relatives in the area and my uncle's widow would have called me. I would have prepared a statement and called my agent. We would have released it everywhere Wednesday morning at 8 am. The first to quote me would be Roger Bouchard on the Up Front program that runs 8 to 9 am Wednesday on WNRI am 1380 in Woonsocket. He would start the program with it.
Bouchard: Before we get to today's guests we have breaking news. Many of you know that Rhode Island legendary talk show host Ron St. Pierre passed away yesterday at age 68. Well, just now off the wire entertainer Phil Cole, whose career began when he was living right here in Woonsocket, made the following statement. I quote:
PBC: Ron St. Pierre was not the last name on Phillip's sick list, but no one who bet that he was should lose money. It was one of the best guesses ever. When Phillip was trying to revive his radio career he contacted Ron St. Pierre and lost to the criminal Buddy Cianci. It's been all downhill for Rhode Island ever since.
Bouchard: No doubt that will be a topic of conversation on this station all day.
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Saturday afternoon Oldies with Norma Pokocky part 3
Pokocky: we're back for just a few more minutes with our guest Phil Cole. Let's talk about something more pleasant now, shall we?
PBC: Please, yes.
Pokocky: The reason you're here in Canada is to make 3 movies starring Justin Bieber.
PBC: Yes.
Pokocky: What can you tell us about them?
PBC: Not much; it's all secret. They are 3 remakes.
Pokocky: Of big films?
PBC; Not the biggest, but most people have heard of at least one of them and when we announce the titles most people will understand why.
Pokocky: And why did you select Justin Bieber?
PBC: He uhh...reminds me of someone, and I figured he could do what the other person did.
Pokocky: Who would that be?
PBC: That's a secret, but if you think logically, you might guess right.
Pokocky: Do you think people will be placing odds on it, as they do for Phillip's mystery name?
PBC: That's not my business. The secrecy is just because I don't want anything to go wrong.
Pokocky: When can we expect an announcement?
PBC: Pretty soon I think. I didn't know this Phillip business would be reaching a climax about the same time.
Pokocky: And when can we expect the films?
PBC: Well, I bought a studio and selected the locations. We're casting good people and plan to film all 3 at the same time. The release dates might be 3 consecutive years.
Pokocky: Summer or winter?
PBC: Probably fall.
Pokocky: Well, thank you so much for being here. I'd like to play a song for you as you leave. What's your favorite song from the 60s?
PBC: Well...show tunes; do you have anything from Camelot?
Pokocky: Not handy I'm afraid.
PBC: The Impossible Dream.
Pokocky: Yes, Robert Goulet alright?
PBC: perfect.
Pokocky: Thank you so much for being here. I look forward to your announcements and movies, and here's the song you requested: The Impossible Dream by Robert Goulet.
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Post-AGT Appearance 1291: Saturday afternoon Oldies with Norma Pokocky CHES fm 91.7 March 2
Toad woman of Tennessee would have dropped to 12th by the last weekend of February and would have made $234 million domestic. It would have ended its international run with $182 million. Man of my Dreams would have dropped to 24th the last week of February.
Desantis would have dropped out 2 days before the South Carolina primary. Haley would have won 42-39 with Burgum getting 14%.
Trump would have won Michigan with 45%, Haley 27, Burgum 26. None of the above would have gotten 22% against 69 for Biden, Williamson 5, Phillips 4. I would be back in Canada, still with no news from the Colbert people. Brian Mulroney would never have cracked the top 100, but with his death Friday my agent would decide I needed a quiet, safe interview in Canada over the weekend. He would have picked a live visit to CHES fm 91.7 in Ontario, a community non-profit station and I would have done the interview with Norma Pokocky, who plays oldies on Saturdays from 12 to 4 local time. I would join her shortly after 1 pm.
Pokocky: Well today as promised I have a live interview guest: Phil Cole of Phillip and Cole's Variety Team. He is well known to Americans for all forms of entertainment and now he's in Canada preparing to make 3 major movies starring Justin Bieber. Phil, thank you so much for being here.
PBC: My pleasure.
Pokocky: Phil, your career is well known in the states, but some Canadians might not be familiar with you. Can you start by telling us how your career started?
PBC: Yes. my career started 10 years ago last month wi9th my first audition for America's got Talent.
Pokocky: That recently?
PBC: Yes, I had not performed anywhere before that. I had this great idea for a traveling entertainment team. I'm from the little state of Rhode Island, but that year they held auditions in Providence.
Pokocky: How did it go?
PBC: Well, first I looked for a partner, a musician to play the songs I created for Phillip and Cole. I posted an ad on Craig's List and someone replied. He said he was from the south so I wrote a song called Nashville Rap for Cole from Nashville and created Phillip, a Boston intellectual who writes country songs.
Pokocky: That's funny already. What was his song called?
PBC: The Northeast livin', bland vanilla Blues.
Pokocky: Ha ha ha.
PBC: The man was just there to cause trouble, so I ended up alone, but I wrote the 2 songs, created the characters, stood in line and then someone said, "You only get 90 seconds."
Pokocky: Oh no; what did you do?
PBC: I couldn't sing, so the 2 characters introduced themselves. Phillip told 2 intellectual jokes. Cole told 2 corny southern jokes, then we did the routine called Celebrities that make Phillip sick. We wrote the list on toilet paper. Cole read it and Phillip got sicker and sicker. When Phillip was lying on the floor Cole said,
Cole: There's 2 more names on the list, but if I read them now, it might kill him.
PBC: Then wiped his bum with the list.
Pokocky: Oh my, and that got you on the show?
PBC: It got me to the second audition. Now the reason I used that routine is because Howard Stern the shock jock...
Pokocky: Yes, we know him.
PBC: He was one of the judges that year, and a charter member of the sick list. So at the next audition, in New York, I went.
Pokocky: This is a one man team by the way.
PBC: Yes, I'm Phil, not Phillip. Phillip's in a coma now. Well, I went to New York and told jokes about the other judges. That got me to the third audition, in New Jersey. We sent Norbert Adams to that one.
Pokocky: Is he here.
PBC: Yes, hey Norbert.
Norbert: Y-yes.
PBC: Tell her what you said in New Jersey.
Norbert: Hi, I-ii'm Norbert Adams, th-th-th-the unluckiest man in the world. I I I kn-know what you're thinking. Where's Phillip and Cole? They don't want to get this close to Chris Christie.
Pokocky: Oh my!
PBC: That got me on the show, but there was no way I could win. I barley made the first round. Then Phillip did a routine called Alternate endings to Shakespeare plays. We knew we were doomed, so when it was time to cut the list from 24 to 12 we introduced the rest of the team. There's the Ranting 99 Year old Man. He died last year. Then there's Brad and Ford, Cole's cousins. We were eliminated but we had a full team.
Pokocky: We play records here, oldies. Do you mind if I play a couple songs now.
PBC: No, I need to catch my breath.
Pokocky: Don't go away folks, we have a lot more with Phillip and Cole's Variety Team.
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Post-AGT Appearance 1290: Ontario Today CBC Radio February 13
Man of my Dreams would have dropped to 20th then 21st last weekend. Canadian Wildfires would have dropped out of the top 100 on the country chart last weekend. Toad woman of Tennessee would have been second on the weekend of 2-4 with 9 million, but first last Thursday, then third with $3 million last weekend reaching $227 million domestic, $148 million international.
I would have no messages from the Colbert people regarding Phillip. I would be a legal resident of Nevada and would have returned Monday to vote in the Republican primary while maintaining membership in the Libertarian Party.
Biden would have won the Nevada primary with 82% of the vote with Marianne Williamson the only opponent on the ballot. she would have gotten 12% with None of these Candidates 5%
Despite my efforts the Republicans of Nevada would have held a primary Tuesday and caucus Thursday. None of these Candidates would have won the primary with 42%, Haley 36%, Burgum 14, Desantis 6 and Ryan Binkley 1%. At the caucus Thursday only Trump, Burgum and Binkley would have been on the ballot, Trump 55%, Burgum 42, Binkley 1%.
My agent would have decided it was best for me to keep silent about politics and say nothing about business until there was a clearer future. However he would want to introduce me to the people of Canada as a scholar and would negotiate an interview about the condition of Biden's declining mental fitness and the 25th amendment. This would air on a radio show called Ontario Today which airs at noon weekdays throughout the country. Amand Pfeffer is the host. It would have aired towards 12: 30 eastern time Tuesday
Remember if this was a true story my efforts to gain votes for the Libertarian Party would have resulted in several elections going to different candidates. So Republicans would still have a majority in the Senate and a larger majority in the House of Representatives. Kevin McCarthy would still be Speaker of the House. Also, with less stress Biden would be much healthier than he is now but people would be just as worried because they wouldn't know how bad off we are in the real world.
Pfeffer: To add clarity to the situation in the US I interviewed American writer, humorist and film maker Phil Cole. He is presently negotiating deals to make 3 films in Canada starring Justin Bieber.
(Tape begins.)
Pfeffer: Phil, thank you for joining us. We just aired a BBC discussion regarding the state of your President Joe Biden and decided it was time to talk to an American to explain this 25th amendment people are talking about. Thank you so much for joining us.
PBC: My pleasure.
Pfeffer: First of all, most people know you for songs and movies. What are your credentials as a scholar?
PBC: I have a master's degree in education and memorized the history of the United States before puberty.
Pfeffer: Good enough, so tell us about this law, the 25th Amendment.
PBC: Well, the first thing you need to know about our Constitution is that the men who wrote it were very proud of themselves and decided to make it a very complicated process to change anything. So it took 178 years to make 25 changes. This one became law in 1967. The first thing it does is say what was always the case. If the President dies or resigns, the Vice President takes over. That already happened 8 times through 1963. The strange thing is that when these 8 Vice Presidents became Vice President, no one replaced them as Vice President.
Pfeffer: 8 times and no one even thought about it?
PBC: Not only that, 7 Vice Presidents also died in office and one reigned with a few months left.
Pfeffer: What did they do exactly-with no Vice President.
PBC: Well, the only thing the Vice President officially has to do is preside over the Senate, recognize speakers, call for votes and so forth, so they have what we call the President pro tempore-temporary-of the Senate. He does that whenever the Vice President is away. The past 100 years or so the President pro tempore has been the longest serving Senator on the majority side?
Pfeffer: Who has that job now?
PBC: His name is Chuck Grassley. He's 89 and he's been there 44 years, a real jerk.
Pfeffer: And your vice President is a lady. How do you say her name. Is it Kam ah la Harris or Kam mell la Harris?
PBC: I don't take chances. I call her Mrs. Emhoff, more respectful.
Pfeffer: Very well.
PBC: So in 1963 John Kennedy was shot and promptly died and for 14 months there was no Vice President. They decided that should never happen again. So they added to this amendment that the President can appoint a new Vice President and Congress, both House and Senate, must approve the new appointee.
Pfeffer: Did that ever happen?
PBC: Yes, you may have heard of Richard Nixon.
Pfeffer: He got in a bit of trouble didn't he?
PBC: He was the very man they were thinking of when they wrote the amendment. He won the 1968 election and was worried about getting a second term, so he broke some laws and covered it up. Now his Vice President was a man named Spiro Agnew. No one wanted him to be President, so they got him first on a tax evasion charge. Nixon picked Gerald Ford to replace him. Then they could chase Nixon out. Then Ford got to replace himself with a rich man named Nelson Rockefeller.
Pfeffer: Heir to the Standard Oil fortune.
PBC: Yes, and qualified enough, former Governor of New York.
Pfeffer: Next we move on to the third clause of the amendment.
PBC: Yes that's a big change. If both the offices of President and Vice President are ever vacant at the same time, the President pro Tempore of the Senate gets bypassed for the Speaker of the House of representatives.
Pfeffer: Who has that job right now?
PBC: His name is Kevin McCarthy and he's hanging by a thread.
Pfeffer: And now we come to the fourth clause.
PBC: This is the scariest part. If the Vice President and the Presidential Cabinet-an unusually inept bunch of characters right now-decide the President is unfit to be President they can tell the Speaker and President pro tempore and throw him out.
Pfeffer: Can that happen?
PBC: Well, ever since this became law people have been daydreaming of ways to make it happen, and...uhh...not the nicest people.
Pfeffer: Ghastly! Well, we'll certainly be watching to see what happens. Thank you so much for sharing.
PBC: Call anytime, if you need me.
Pfeffer: We certainly will.
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Post-AGT Appearance 1289: The Grammy Awards 2024 CBS February 4
The Ranting Old Man album would win for best comedy album. I would still be in Canada, not daring to step foot in the US yet. My wife, Sharon Cox-Cole, would accept the award.
Cox-Cole: I am very pleased to accept this award on behalf of my husband. He's in Canada right now, getting ready to make 3 movies. They'll have a lot of great songs and great fashions from Shacoucouture. My husband gave me this little note to read. Here it is.
PBC: Thank you so much for overcoming your prejudices and voting for quality.
Cox-Cole: Thank you, thank you.
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Scott Shannon in the Morning part 3
Shannon: Brings back memories, doesn't it?
PBC: Yes, we could have had a choice of Bernie Sanders versus John Kasich. That would have been 8 quiet years. Instead we've had the most unsettling 8 years anyone can imagine and most people want 4 more of one disaster or the other.
Shannon: So sad, so, Phil, you have had an amazing period of success. Your film Demon Dress was the ninth highest film of 2023 and it's nominated for 4 Oscars!
PBC: Yes, not the categories I had anything to do with.
Shannon: You weren't responsible for the song?
PBC: Not a word of it. We created a panel and judged the songs I wrote for the movie and they all lost to that one.
Shannon: What were your songs like?
PBC: Oh...soft ballads. Here's one excerpt.
I thought you were the love of my life,
Was prepared to make you my wife,
Until you hacked the photographer with a butcher knife.
So now I've gone from a state of bless
To a massive hell of a mess,
Since you put on that demon dress.
Shannon: Not bad.
PBC: But no one would have nominated that for an award. We made the right choice.
Shannon: But your album has been nominated for best spoken word album.
PBC: I hope it wins.
Shannon: And your new movie: number one the first 3 weeks.
PBC: The January 12 opening was just right, and we're going for the big Oscars this time.
Shannon: You play 7 parts. Is that right?
PBC: Yes, and Miley Cyrus was terrific. One of those songs has to win something. It's great.
Shannon: Phil, I know you have to go.
PBC: Yes, and I'll probably get in more trouble for what I said today.
Shannon: We only have about 3 million listeners on radio , streaming, Facebook.
PBC: Thanks, it's always good to talk to you, Scott. I really mean it.
Shannon: My pleasure too. That was Phillip and Cole's Variety Team. As I said he has a spoken word album: The Ranting old Man's greatest. There is one song. As we go to our next break here it is: Ode to Smarties.
(He plays Ode to Smarties as posted November 15.)
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Scott Shannon in the Morning part 2
Shannon: Welcome back. Scott Shannon here speaking with our guest Phil Cole and Phillip and Cole's Variety Team. Phil, we have one more legal matter I'd like you to comment on before we switch to more pleasant topics. In Colorado and Maine, so far, maybe other states, they are blocking former President Trump from the ballot. The Supreme Court is going to hear the case next week I believe. Do you have any thoughts on that?
PBC: For that I defer to Ford, our legal and Supreme Court expert.
Ford: Hello, Ford here. I'm a recently retired judge from Tennessee, criminal division.
Shannon: So what is going on with the effort to remove Trump from the ballot?
Ford: If the court decides that he must be permitted on all ballots provided he has enough valid signatures and pays the fees they will be clearing him of the charges pending regarding the January 6 insurrection.
Shannon: Really?
Ford: Those charges will have to be dropped.
Shannon: My my, and what if it goes the other way?
Ford: The court has 2 options. The first option is to decide that all states have the right to exclude people from any ballot.
Shannon: Indiscriminately?
Ford: The decision should read that these are local matters and the state judges have the final word. In other words, don't bother us again about this.
Shannon: Wow! And the other option?
Ford: The other option is to uphold the decision to keep him off the ballot in Colorado and anywhere else. That will be the same as declaring that that man is guilty. At that point the trial for insurrection should go directly to the sentencing phase.
Shannon: Guilty of insurrection.
Ford: Just like Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee and the other heroes of the Confederacy. By the way, I reckon it is much better for everyone if they decide that in May or June instead of December after he wins the election.
Shannon: Indeed..that's a...grim picture of the future of the country. Thank you Ford, for your great insight...well, folks, those of you who were listening to our show 8 years ago when Phil was on every week might recall a song he wrote and sang here. It's exclusive to our station. At the time we had a spirited race going, and on the Democratic side Senator Bernie Sanders was facing an uphill battle against Hillary Clinton. One day in April Phil sang this song. I'm going to play it now. It's called Don't give up on us, Bernie.
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Post-AGT Appearance 1288: Scott Shannon in the Morning January 29
Man of my Dreams would have dropped to 16 last week, Canadian Wildfires into the 90s on the country chart. Toad woman of Tennessee would have been first again last weekend with $16 million, reaching $195 million domestic. In international release it would have been first in 4 new countries where we introduced it last weekend, international total $98 million so far. Demon Dress would have reached $202 million. It would have been nominated for 4 Oscars: Fashion, hair and makeup, special effects and the song.
With Phillip in his likely final coma I would be drowning in interview requests. My agent would decide I should start with Scott Shannon. His representative would have rehearsed much of the interview and I would rehearse a bit with his producer. They would finally put me on earlier this hour today.
Shannon: Welcome back to Scott Shannon in the Morning. A lot of you remember the good old days of 2015-16 when every Monday morning about this time, or Tuesdays following a holiday weekend, we chatted with entertainer Phil Cole about his career, politics and world events. We can't go back to those wonderful days, but he is joining us this morning from, where are you Phil?
PBC: A bunker in Canada.
Shannon: And how are you? Like Humpty Dumpty you had a great fall recently.
PBC: Yes, I still have the bruise.
Shannon: If you don't know, Phil was on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert 2 weeks ago. He fell down at the end and no one knew if it was part of the performance. Was it, Phil?
PBC: Yes, but from now on if that happens, call the ambulance.
Shannon: I want you to know I understood the joke and, unfortunately, explaining it is not fit for a family audience. So, let's go on to the other matters that came up that night. Phillip is in a coma again.
PBC: Yes, and from now on the Colbert people decide when to pull the plug, whether he dies instantly, how to bury him...
Shannon: And when you finally reveal the last name on Phillip's sick list.
PBC: Yes, probably.
Shannon: There's some doubt about that part?
PBC: Yes, as always, the last person on the list could pass away while we're waiting for the Late Show to pull the plug.
Shannon: Aha! Is that likely?
PBC: I'm not telling, not even hinting.
Shannon: Also on that show you officially became the first-or maybe one of the first-to say that former President Trump's possession of classified documents is treason.
PBC: Yes, why is everyone afraid of that word?
Shannon: I don't know, but we now have a public opinion poll that says only 35% of Americans consider it a crime.
PBC: I think someone better start looking in the garages of the other 65%.
Shannon: Ha ha ha Now the reason Phillip is in the coma is because Trump won the New Hampshire primary. Were you surprised at all with the results?
PBC: Remember the line from Moby Dick. I see a madman beget more mad men.
Shannon: Indeed, and you are hiding in Canada now.
PBC: Not just hiding. I've been making deals that will eventually result in 3 more hit movies, LORD willing.
Shannon: Yes, and congratulations are in order. Your new movie was first 3 weeks in a row so far.
PBC: Yes, the 35% who thinks Trump is guilty of a crime must know a good movie when they see one.
Shannon: Well, I've seen Toad woman of Tennessee. I must admit that isn't normally my kind of movie, but you did a great job and Miley Cyrus should be a big star now.
PBC: Yes, she did great. I think her songs are going to be on the charts all year too.
Shannon: Now, you had nothing to do with the Miley Cyrus songs, right?
PBC: Yes, or with the song from Demon Dress.
Shannon: Nominated for 4 Oscars!
PBC: So I'm overcoming some of the hostility, but I still think someone might kill me soon.
Shannon: Hopefully things will blow over. In the past, Phil, you used the Shannon show to make predictions about upcoming elections. How do you think the Presidential primaries might shape up?
PBC: Well, for one thing, we have almost a month before the South Carolina primary.
Shannon: That's unusual. Why do you think that is?
PBC: They made it as late as they could to give President Robinette time to announce his retirement.
Shannon: Please tell us why you refer to President Biden as Robinette.
PBC: That's his middle name and his performance so far, especially in foreign policy, reminds me of a tiny bird.
Shannon: So you think both parties should dump the front runners and start fresh?
PBC: I don't know why anyone disagrees; I really don't.
Shannon: Now the top Democratic opponent is Congressman Dean Phillips. He lost New Hampshire badly despite the fact that President Biden's name wasn't on the ballot. How do you figure?
PBC: Well, that's very disappointing, but there was no good way out for New Hampshire Democrats. The reason they were not supposed to vote first is because they had no use for Robinette in 2020. Their top choices were appalling too though. So if they voted overwhelmingly for Phillips it would show that they have contempt on the incumbent. The last time they did that, it went badly. Phillips would be about my fifth choice if the same 12 people from 2020 were running against him. However he is the best Democratic choice right now, except when None of the Above is an option.
Shannon: Very good. Now on the Republican side, Trump still has 3 challengers. How did Governor Burgum win Iowa?
PBC: Iowa goes to the person who shakes the most hands. Then he gets 12% in New Hampshire because he had no time to visit New Hampshire until the last week.
Shannon: Do you see him doing well anywhere else?
PBC: If he understands the caucus system he can sweep the west.
Shannon: But most of the south votes first, except for Nevada.
PBC: I fear the worst in Nevada. The south is the key to victory.
Shannon: Nikki Haley is the Governor of South Carolina.
PBC: Yes, and she is in a tight spot. She has to win South Carolina. That won't do much for her though. I don't know if she can dominate the south. She somehow won the hearts of her state, but there's nothing southern about her.
Shannon: That brings us to Governor Ron Desantis of Florida.
PBC: Now he is a real southerner.
Shannon: Do you think he can do anything?
PBC: Cole, do you think Ron Desantis can win most of the southern primaries?
Cole: Nah, us southerners in places like Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, Kentucky and Arkansas are so sick of them slick fellers from Florida and Texas tryin' to get our votes we ain't gonna vote for them no more.
Shannon: So, the outlook is not good for any of them .
PBC: Unless people come to their senses real fast.
Shannon: We have to take a break. Don't go away.
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Post-AGT Appearance 1287: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert January 24
I forgot to mention that all my songs would have risen a bit after the controversial performance. Man of my Dreams would have gone up to 15th that weekend and stayed at 15 last weekend. Canadian Wildfires would have risen back to 87th on the country chart then back down to 88th last week. Toad woman of Tennessee would have dominated the box office with $92 million the 4 day weekend. It would have been first last weekend with $32 million. It also would have been first everywhere last weekend, opening in selected countries with &18 million.
Trump would have won New Hampshire 42% to 36% for Haley, 12% for Burgum and 8% for Desantis. They would have declared Trump the winner shortly after midnight, so Phillip would have gone into a coma minutes later. So I would have to call Colbert and speak at the beginning of his second segment.
Colbert: Welcome back. We have a lot to do tonight and it starts with a telephone call from our friend of the show Phil Cole. Phil, are you there.
PBC: Yes Stephen.
Colbert: And where are you?
PBC: In a bunker in Canada.
Colbert: Aren't you afraid someone will track this call and find you?
PBC: Yes, that's why I'll be leaving for a different bunker as soon as I hang up.
Colbert: Well, Trump won the New Hampshire primary, 42-36.
PBC: Yes, and Phillip went into a coma as soon as we told him.
Colbert: What happens next?
PBC: That's up to you. I have to leave. Goodnight, Stephen.
Colbert: Goodnight Phil; best wishes.
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Post-AGT Appearance 1286: The Howard Stern Show January 23
Colbert himself would not be sure the routine was supposed to end like that. That was almost exactly as I would have planned it, but when my head hit the floor I would get a headache for 2 days and a black and blue mark for almost 2 weeks. I would have flown to Trinidad before dawn.
People would have reacted badly to several things in the routine and a relative handful would have understood the last joke. Madonna would have understood and said a lot of mean things. Fans of her and President Trump would have done violent things. That very night 30 Trump supporters would have trespassed on my Nevada property and started a fire. The police would have arrested 8 of them and injured 4 of the 8. That would start a new outcry about police brutality. With the word "treason" finally on the air a revival of the news wars would start. The dividing line would be a bit different this time as some networks would use the word and some would not. Before the next episode of the Late Show there would be a fight in the audience and the show would again be suspended until tonight.
When I returned from Trinidad I would be too scared to set foot on American soil and fly to Montreal to resume business negotiations. My wife would go home to the Oregon house, but only for a day before a trip to London.
Doug Burgum would have won Iowa 33-32 over Trump with Desantis at 16, Haley 14 and Ramaswami 3. Hutchinson and Ramaswami would have dropped out. Desantis would not.
With all that happening I would be surprised when my agent called me last night for an announcement that Norman Jewison was not the last name on Phillip's list. He would have joined the top 100 in 2016, peaked at 93rd in 2017, dropped out of the top 100 from 2018 to 2022 and died in 96th place. About 5 am eastern time I would have posted the team's reply and the first to quote me would be Howard Stern a few minutes into his show. Robin Quivers and Fred Norris would also speak.
Stern: Well all Holly wood is mourning the death of director Norman Jewison.
Norris: Jesus Christ, Superstar.
Quivers: Fiddler on the Roof, all the Jewish movies.
Stern: Other People's Money, great guy, too; I met him a few times. Well guess what? Some people thought he was the last name on Phillip's famous sick list.
Quivers: Who thought that?
Stern: I don't know and Phillip doesn't know either.
Quivers: Isn't Phillip in a coma or something?
Stern: Phil is his alter ego. We know the other people on the list.
Norris: You, Donald Trump, Alec Baldwin.
Stern: Yeah, disgusting guys.
Quivers: Dennis Rodman; so...uhh, what did he say?
Stern: I'm gonna read it. He says,
PBC: We don't know why anyone thought Norman Jewison was on the list. Maybe someone is confusing Phillip's sick list with Celebrity Deathwatch.
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert part 2
Colbert: Welcome back. Now to explain why Madonna is not the last name on Phillip's sick list: Phillip and Cole's Variety Team.
PBC: Madonna is not the last person on Phillip's sick list. Each of us do have some criticism of the beloved and prolific entertainer. First of all, Phillip is too sick to leave home these days, but he did say the following:
Phillip: The most objectionable thing about Miss Ciccone was her first choice of a husband, a man who continues to show himself a poor representative of mankind.
PBC: Rupert, you're next.
Rupert: (On a projection screen) Cheerio, this is Phillip's cousin Rupert in England. I had no problem at all with Madonna. After all, compared to some of the singers in the UK she held herself in an almost respectable way. Then she married a British subject as her second husband and moved here. That put her into the same septic tank so many of our own singer bred in and she began to smell like them. Not only that, but she eventually divorced her British husband and didn't even move away! Folks, especially women all over the globe, if you marry an Englishman stay with him for life or move away!
Ford: Thank you Rupert. I'm Ford, a former judge in Tennessee and, as a judge in Tennessee I have no jurisdiction, nor do I have authority over persons accused of crimes in other jurisdictions. However without exception I can not watch any crime related movies without passing sentence according to the laws of Tennessee. On at least 2 occasions I have watched movies in which Madonna played characters who confessed to crimes. For those I have no choice but to sentence her in absentia to a period of not less than 3 years in prison in any Tennessee jurisdiction and I certainly do not approve of that.
Cole: (On the projection screen) I'm Cole from Tennessee, a cousin of Ford. I don't care much about crimes or who she marries. I figger I never had a chance. What bothers me about Madonna is her name. Hell, she ain't never been no parygon of virtue, and I don't know why the Catholics changed the name of the virgin Mary to Madonna. I ain't Catholic, so I figger that's their business. Still, a young slutty woman who goes into singin' can call herself anythin' she wants. Why mess up people by takin' a name that about half the world thinks is sumfin holy. If I go to see a concert with someone named Madonna I expect hymns and arias, not erotic gyratin'. So for about 30 years I was mad about that. Then I found out Madonna is the name her parents gave her! Now I'm even madder. Y'all's supposed to keep the name yer parents give yer, no matter how much yer hate it.
PBC: Thank you Cole. It's my turn now. My biggest objection to Madonna was the way she dressed, notably those ugly lopsided outfits in that first movie she did. I was a young man when she became famous and couldn't look at the screen because the clothes were such a turnoff, the complete opposite of the reason I wanted to see it in the first place. You're next, Brad.
Brad: (On the projection screen) I'm Brad, Cole's cousin and Ford's younger brother. I'm with ya Phil about the clothes, especially showin' off her bras all the time. She became famous just about the time gals in Tennessee started learnin' to go braless and boy did that send ever'thin in the wrong direction. Anyway my biggest problem with Madonna is her songs. We like ballads down here in the south, and even if she figgered she had to sing kinda fast on accounta the songs weren't any good she coulda found a way to make 'em into a little story. Did that feller open his heart? Who was that girl? Did she keep the baby? Come on, gal, tell us. It only takes one line!
Norbert: I guess I'm l-l-l-ast heh heh heh heh heh again heh heh. m-m-m-my-my-my-my p-p-p-pr-problem with Madonna, es-es-es-especially. wh-wh-wh-wh-when I was young heh heh heh heh heh heh is is-is-is that I have...as...as-asthma heh heh heh heh heh heh heh and -and-and wh-wh-when I s-saw her first vi-vi-videos I-I-I c-c-c-...heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.
(Norbert falls down. Curtain closes.)
Colbert: we'll be right back.
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Post-AGT Appearance 1285: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert January 10
I would later proceed to the Late Show for the interview I would have been dreading for almost 2 years. I would be the first guest, after the first commercial break.
Colbert: Welcome back. Our first guest tonight is an interview that was postponed due to my little stomach disorder. It's a very timely interview and let me tell you the opinions expressed are not necessarily those of the host or management.
(He would mouth the words "but we agree." Many would think he was mouthing something else.)
Colbert: So welcome Phillip and Cole's Variety Team.
(They would play the chorus of Canadian Wildfires as I walked out, as previously posted.)
Colbert: Well Phil, first of all I know you have some sad news.
PBC: Yes, my wife's maternal uncle, a beloved, wonderful man died of heart failure Sunday night.
Colbert: Was there anything unusual about his death?
PBC: Yes there was. Back in October he spent a long time isolated, fasting and praying for the sinful world. When he tried to resume normal activity he was too weak. His immune system was compromised. He got covid. Just as he was doing better he had a stroke. Then they diagnosed him with dementia. We prepared for a long ordeal with that but last weekend he went back to the hospital. That's in Trinidad, not here. He passed Sunday night.
Colbert: So sorry for your loss; now there is good news too. You have a movie coming out Friday and we have a clip. Tell us about it.
PBC: Miley Cyrus plays a singer.
Colbert: ha ha ha good casting.
PBC: Planning this almost 10 years; so she isn't doing well on the charts. A few years earlier, when she was at her peak, she did a little acting, so she tries to get back into movies, but her only offer wasw porno.
(Loud reaction)
PBC: Thank you, I think. She specializes in tongue work and, in an effort to improve her skills she starts studying toads and meets the professor.
Colbert: Who plays the professor?
PBC: I do. So this clip is the pivotal moment in the movie, the first step on her way to becoming the Toad Woman of Tennessee.
Colbert: Let's play it.
(They show a much shorter portion at the end of the clip posted Wednesday.)
Colbert: So...what was she looking at?
PBC: I have a still photo right here...and...we'll be selling the doll that matches this starting Friday!
Colbert: Impressive; I can hardly wait. Now, you do have a very serious matter to talk to our guests and viewers.
PBC: Yes, the New Hampshire primary is 2 weeks from yesterday and...I said before on this show...if Trump wins my colleague Phillip will go into a coma and...never recover.
Colbert: Will you pull the plug someday?
PBC: No, you will. His fate will be in your hands.
Colbert: And if that sad day comes, will you then tell us the last name on Phillip's sick list?
PBC: Yes, also on a date of your choosing. So please, New Hampshire people, if there is any possible way, go to the polls, vote in the New Hampshire primary and vote against Trump. That will keep Phillip alive at least until the convention.
Colbert: What about other states?
PBC: No individual state other than New Hampshire will trigger a coma, but every living creature will be in grave danger if that man becomes President again.
(long, loud response)
Colbert: Now the former President is facing 3 criminal procedures. Can you comment on them?
PBC: For that I give you my colleague Ford, a former judge in Tennessee.
(I rise up, turn around, put on a small gray wig and dark glasses and sit in the other seat.)
Ford: My name is Ford. I am a former criminal judge from Tennessee.
Colbert: Funny, you look like someone else. So the first charge against the former President is in New York. It involves lying to get a better loan deal.
Ford: He should have been tried for that about 30 years ago. There is no doubt he is guilty. The penalty should be a large fine. He can afford it.
Colbert: The second charge is inciting an insurrection January 6, 2021.
Ford: There are a lot of aggravating and mitigating factors. Perhaps disturbing the peace is a proper charge and almost certain to be a conviction.
Colbert: thank you. The third charge is having classified documents in his garage in Florida.
Ford: He has already told the public in no uncertain terms that he is guilty. The proper charge is treason and the proper penalty is death.
(Massive reaction, the camera panning the crowd)
Colbert: (close up) Phil, do you agree with your colleague Ford?
PBC: (back in the first chair minus wig and glasses) Yes. Think about it. When a man has a garage full of things and needs money for...legal bills for instance, he holds a...
Audience: Garage sale.
PBC: Classified documents, 2 dollars a page; might be the nuclear codes, might be the combination to the restroom, might be a meatloaf recipe.
Colbert: Touche.
PBC: He isn't the only one who should be tried for treason.
Colbert: Now, every time you join us you eliminate a suspect of who might be the last name on Phillip's sick list, one of the top 10. As we just discussed, this might be the last time you do that. Let's take a look at the top 10, latest update. Well at the top is Nancy Pelosi, then Lorne Michaels, Vladimir Putin, Hillary Clinton all the way down to Harvey Weinstein and Madonna. Which one will you be eliminating tonight?
PBC: Madonna.
Colbert: Wow! and he'll do it right after the break. Stay with us.
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The Kelly Clarkson Show part 2
Clarkson: Welcome back. We're speaking with Phil Cole and moving on to happier talk. Phil, the Ranting 109-Year-Old Man passed away last summer, but on November 15 you released a spoken word album of his best routines. We're going to play just a short clip right now.
(They play part of Ode to Smarties as posted previously.)
Clarkson: That is the fourth most successful spoken word album of 2023 and it's nominated for an Emmy. Phil, do you think you'll win?
PBC: I hope so. I read reviews of the competition-didn't buy anything because that might hurt my chances-and I think it was the best.
Clarkson: So how did you create the character?
PBC: Well, I grew up around old people. I've always made friends with older people, never many my own age. We just never clicked. So I knew enough about history to put myself in that era, how I would have reacted to things and how someone from that era would react to the present world.
Clarkson: Wow!
PBC: I also discovered there wasn't an act like him anywhere. comedians got old, but they were telling the same jokes that made them famous decades earlier. They didn't really fit the modern world, and they didn't address it. I could go on but you've got a great clip to show.
Clarkson: That's right. Phil, your movie Demon Dress is still in theaters but this Friday you release another promising film called Toad woman of Tennessee. Normally I would ask you to set up the scene but I think it speaks for itself. Here you are with Miley Cyrus.
(Clip begins.)
Professor: Now stick out your tongue, beautiful, far as you can.
(He scrapes it.)
Professor: Thank you. Relax. Now I am go'in to show you de first fruits of our labors. You are the first to see this.
Cyrus: I can hardly wait!.
Professor: Now observe as I press the specimen from your tongue. Zis under the microscope is the tissue I just egstracted.
Cyrus: Wow! It's like it's alive.
Professor: Da, it es alive. eet is alive. On that one slide there are thousands of living organisms. They don't live long, but what they do for you is important, and vat I have done with dem is a breakthrough for science. You are a part of it! Now I remove ze slide and show you zis. That's it get eet in focus. Vat do you zee?
Cyrus: Green, slimy, but alive. What is it?
Professor: That is the very same tissue I scraped off your tongue last veek. I combined it with my special solvent for keeping the organisms alive. Then I added something special. Something I have been working on for many years and at last ve are on ze threshold. I added the saliva of a live toad, a special toad. It is here in this cage. Step back and see vat we have done for zis toad!
Cyrus: Oh my God! Oh my God! Professor you are incredible. I'm so excited!
(She gives him a French kiss. Tape ends.)
Clarkson: What is she looking at?
PBC: Go to the movies and find out.
Clarkson: Well, I can't wait to see it. Phil, you play 6 parts...
PBC: 7; I'm trying for an Oscar with this one.
Clarkson: Leading man or supporting?
PBC: Well, I wish they could nominate one character for lead and one for supporting, but I'll take what I can get.
Clarkson: Well, it's January, so you'll be in the lead for a while anyway. Phil, you also wrote it.
PBC: About half the script.
Clarkson: And you directed it.
PBC: About 2 thirds.
Clarkson: So I'm always curious. How many takes did you do for a scene like that?
PBC: 2 takes, but we rehearsed without the cameras for 6 hours. We had it right in one hour, but to get Miley Cyrus to kiss me over and over...how could anyone stop.
Clarkson: Well Toad woman of Tennessee opens Friday everywhere. Phil, thank you so much for being here and best wishes to everyone.
PBC: Thanks.
Clarkson: Don't go anywhere. After the break you'll see the latest routine by Bishop Guido Sarducci.
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