phenomenal-e

[phenomenal-e]

A life worth writing down

How to live a worth writing down? 

Must one do something incredible - invent something new, discover a cure to a disease? Should one be famous (or even infamous, if that’s your speed)? 

What should one do to gain recognition and respect? What is required to be remembered? 

Yet, in asking these sorts of follow-up questions, I think I’m getting distracted from the original issue at hand. 

How to live a life worth writing down? 

Today was an incredibly lazy day. I woke up at 7:22 am, then fell back asleep around 8:30. Woke up for real around 11 am; but by that point, I had lost essentially all motivation to pursue my original plans. So, I decided, I was going to watch a movie. Then an episode of TV. And another episode, and another, and- Okay, you can see where this is going? Each time I clicked that evil “Play next” button, I had to battle off feelings of guilt and shame. Wow, E, is this really how you wanted to spend your time? Is this really the kind of life you want to live? 

Luckily, external relief finally came. I didn’t have enough food for dinner, which then forced me to venture outside in quest of a burrito. I resolved that since I was going out, I might as well get a few hours of work done in the nearby coffee shop. So, I spent a total 2 hours today outside the condo. And my only motivation to do that was food. From a certain perspective, if this were my whole life, it would begin to look a bit sad. 

But this isn’t an entry about self-pity or my newfound desire for self-improvement. Instead, this entry is a celebration - of my life, of my choices, of all that I am and eventually want to be. A life worth writing doesn’t require that I have the most unique experiences or the most incredible adventures. On the contrary, the most remarkable life may consist in the ordinary and mundane. All that’s required is to notice what’s remarkable about them. 

I picked up my burrito at the Latin Market, which offers the best burrito in town for the best price. For 6 bucks, you get a hearty burrito, unlimited add-ons like salsa, cilantro, lime, but also fun things like grilled onions and chiles, AND you get a free drink. Hard deal to beat, in my humble, burrito-loving opinion. I’m sure there was a time when Latin Market was the town’s best-kept secret -- tucked away and hidden from the swarms of tourists and weekends like me. But over time, knowledge of Latin Market leaked. So now even people like me, who come to town a weekend here and there, but not nearly enough to be considered “local,” populate the place. Still, at least the tourists haven’t ventured in yet. 

This night in Latin Market, I began to notice things I hadn’t seen before. There was the group of teenagers who looked like they were just going to or coming back from the pool. The couple in their matching Patagonia jackets. The woman in the beanie who looked hungry for a bean-filled reward right after work. Everyone crowded around in this small, unseated joint, waiting to sink their teeth into burritos off the beaten path. Their presence felt ritualistic, and integral to life in this small town. The Latin Market was sacred, as were the greasy offerings it passed out. 

Burrito in hand, my next destination was Black Velvet Coffee. As a previous Stellar Brew-regular, I discovered BVC quite late in the game. Even after my discovery, I still preferred Stellar for its banana chais, morning glory muffins, and the like. But with time, BVC came to grow on me. It offers a much larger space and a peppermint mocha that could kill. So, over the years, I unconsciously found myself joining the BVC bandwagon. Hence what lead me to seek refuge there tonight. 

BVC, like Latin Market, is what I consider to be one of the gems of this town. Although much more well-known, it still feels incredibly special. With three stories of space and an interior design that feels both cozy and industrial, BVC is a place that I’m shocked could exist in the Sierras. My favorite spot is the upstairs loft, which has the perfect combination of outlets and a window that lets you watch the sunset. It’s the kind of space in which no matter what you’re doing, you still feel lucky that you can be here. Sitting there tonight, I realized that somehow, without even realizing, this coffee shop had become one of my favorite spots in the world. 

So, here’s my first go at writing my life down. I know it will sometimes feel tedious, or pointless, or self-absorbed. But I think that one of best ways to live a life worth writing down is to start by writing it. Because no one else can determine whether my life is valuable or interesting or remarkable enough to document. That’s my call. And this is my way of showing why it is. 

-e

[phenomenal-e]

i know you like that song

because of the way it makes you feel

because of the way it reminds you of

when he was yours

and when you were his

but in this time, please remember

you can also skip forward to the next one

-e

[phenomenal-e]

“I know that it’s easy to poke fun of ourselves when shit is truly killing your soul and self esteem.” 

- Es, a woman with an affinity for chaos

[phenomenal-e]

i found his new playlist

Okay

it’s only got songs about love

about wanting

about missing

is it bad that i want him to be thinking about me

that i want him to hurt as much as i’m hurting

i want to say it’s only fair that way

that if i have to feel 

so does he

but i guess that’s not really the way you love someone

or care or want the best for or whatever this may be

i should want him to move on

i should want to move on

but it hurts to think about moving on

when it’s without him

when it’s without me

-e

[phenomenal-e]

I’d like to think I’m doing better. 

I can look at pictures of him and not cry. 

The funny thing about coping is that you don’t really come to terms with how things played out. Things don’t suddenly start to be ‘okay’ -- you don’t suddenly start to be okay. 

It just seems like you start to forget. 

The memories slowly wither away, until at some point, they're too fuzzy to hurt.  

I’m not sure if I’m okay with that. But that might just be how things play out. 

Funny. 

-e

[phenomenal-e]

People keep saying how I’m brave.

“Do you know anyone here? No?

Oh, you’re so brave.”

The thing is, I don’t actually feel brave.

I mostly feel lost.

And confused.

And often I feel alone.

But maybe that’s all that bravery amounts to.

The ability to feel that way,

And make it through.

-e

[phenomenal-e]

I think a main symptom of missing him

is constantly wondering whether he misses me.

-e

[phenomenal-e]

I went here. -e

[phenomenal-e]

See below. -e

[phenomenal-e]

I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.

Jorge Luis Borges

And luckily for me, it might be located at 42nd and 5th Ave. 

[phenomenal-e]

as i check back into my phone

i see the two tabs i opened earlier in the day

1. sex for dummies

2. dirty talk for him

now it seems that i’m the dummy

for thinking it’s all

every part of it

of me

is for him

[phenomenal-e]

he got off

i got underwear that smells like rust

and the worst part is,

i don’t have my period this week

[phenomenal-e]

the first creatures on earth to become aware of time were also the first creatures to smile.

Nabokov in Speak, Memory

[phenomenal-e]

Neat

Alright, let’s just get this shit out then. 

He told me I was neat. That I was “special” or whatever. Told me he felt comfortable around me, in a way he wasn’t used to, especially so early on. And yeah, in the moment, it did make me feel pretty neat. Like, ‘thank god you feel the same way I feel towards you.’ But moments can be deceiving, I think. Looking back, I don’t feel neat. I feel like you told me things you thought I wanted to hear, and maybe there was some truth to them. Maybe I did want to hear those things, at the time. Looking back, each word you told me adds to this great swell - it builds me up and up and makes me feel whole. Wanted. 

But now I know how that swell ends up. It ends up with you choosing someone else over me. It ends with me wondering whether there was ever a choice at all; or if, this was just some fluke, some wrong turn on your journey towards a destination which had never even heard of me. And, it makes me realize that if there was a choice, the evidence to the other side must have been pretty surmounting. Who cares about having “neat,” when you can have something worth so much more?

I don’t find this judgment unreasonable. I looked her up, did my due diligence of emotional masochism, only to realize that she seems like a great person. A person great enough to have someone like you. Maybe you reached the judgement that she’d leave you much better off than I ever could. And I couldn’t blame you for such a judgement. 

I guess, I just wish you’d reached it sooner. Before you ever told me I was “neat,” and then some. That’d at least make this easier on me. 

Then again, I’m not sure that it’s preferable for this to be easy. I can already tell this is gonna hurt - as it’s working now, and in ways I haven’t even experienced yet. But maybe it will have been worth it - to have that moment where you made me feel neat. No matter how fleeting. 

-e

[phenomenal-e]

I am a Woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal Woman, that's me.

Maya Angelou An introduction

[phenomenal-e]

If you have a big enough sample size, everything is normal.

Liam, a(n aspiring) statistician

[phenomenal-e]

I guess I would rather be disappointed Than regret Having never tried -e