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finished my final assignment of the semester <3 gonna get up and clean but then i'll be back to actually write for once. kinda want to start new things too, so here's my meme tag if anyone's interested!

#out of character.

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#about taissa. #queue.

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40 FICTIONAL FEMALE DYNAMICS #9. Taissa Turner & Shauna Shipman (Yellowjackets)

I'm scared to go to sleep. Then I'll stay awake, okay? And I won't let you go anywhere.

#visage. #shauna shipman. #queue.

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@antl5r : continued from here...

to go back home was to admit her faults. the moment she turned back on her phone again and arrived in new jersey, she was going to be forced to deal with the fact that her life really was falling apart and it was all on her. it was easy to get defensive, act like she knows more than lottie, even if she had been the one to ask lottie for help in the first place. that was why she was here, wasn't it? to fix whatever was wrong with her. but it never seemed that simple.

the warmth of the other's hands in hers causes her to sigh, knowing that deep down, the other woman was right. even if she didn't want her to be. "look... it's a great offer. but i can't just ..." abandon her family and her work? it's not like she had any trouble doing that the first time. her eyes close for a second, as if she's trying to get herself to calm down, letting her eyelids flutter open with another sigh. "i haven't even taken office yet, how's it going to look if i'm already taking a break?! there has to be another way ... to fix me. to get rid of her."

#antl5r #v. adult tai. #queue.

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DIFFERENT KINDS OF KISSES *  send 'reverse' for the reversal of the prompt, nsfw implied

[ soothe ] sender kisses receiver to stop them from shaking

[ forehead ] sender tenderly kisses receiver's forehead

[ brief ] sender sneaks a kiss to receiver's cheek as they walk by

[ brow ] sender kisses the bridge of receiver's eyebrow

[ impossible ] sender kisses receiver as a final gesture, knowing they can't be together

[ hiding ] sender checks the area around them before kissing receiver, trying not to get caught

[ handful ] sender peppers the receiver's cheek with multiple, playful kisses

[ line ] sender draws a trail of kisses down the length of receiver's shoulderblade and up their neck

[ almost ] sender and receiver are centimeters apart, about to kiss, but something interrupts them

[ side ] sender places a kiss on the side of receiver's nose

[ tip ] sender kisses the tip of receiver's nose

[ underside ] sender leans in and places a suggestive kiss just under receiver's jawline

[ giggle ] sender starts tickling and kissing the receiver all over in order to make them laugh

[ knuckle ] sender lifts receiver's hand to their lips and places a polite kiss there

[ last ditch ] right before receiver leaves for battle, sender rushes into their arms and kisses them desperately

[ the middle ] in the midst of a battle, sender steals a second alone with receiver and kisses them to reassure them

[ dreamy ] sender and receiver indulge in a handful of slow, romantic kisses

[ darkness ] sender and receiver makeout in a completely dark room

[ ear ] sender nuzzles and kisses receiver's ear

[ recline ] sender climbs ontop of receiver and steals a kiss

[ lazy ] sender kisses receiver to wake them up from a comfortable sleep

[ dramatics ] as sender and receiver argue back and forth, sender launches forward and kisses receiver to stop the fight

[ distance ] across a large space, sender blows receiver a kiss

[ hold ] sender and receiver are hugging, and sender kisses receiver on the cheek in a tender display

[ regret ] sender and receiver start to kiss, but sender backs away in the middle of it, knowing it's a bad idea

[ reunion ] thinking they'd never see each other again, sender and receiver are reunited and run into each other's arms, sharing a kiss

[ inner ] in a heated moment, sender trails kisses along receiver's inner thigh

[ lovebite ] in the midst of kissing receiver's neck, sender changes tactics and gives them a tender little bite

[ greeting ] sender and receiver greet each other with kisses to both cheeks in quick succession

[ bunny ] sender gives receiver a bunny kiss by rubbing their noses together back and forth

[ supportive ] sender kisses the top of receiver's head

[ fingertips ] sender places light kisses to each of receiver's fingertips

[ tongue ] sender and receiver indulge in a heavy makeout that involves tongue

[ first time ] sender leans in and kisses receiver for the first time

[ final ] sender and receiver share a kiss for the very last time, and they know it's their last

[ storm ] caught in the midst of a torrential downpour, sender can't help but close the distance and kiss receiver in the rain

[ scar ] sender sees one of receiver's scars for the first time and gently kisses it

[ desperate ] the situation is dire, and sender can't stop themselves from rushing forward and crushing receiver into an aggressive, frantic kiss

[ tend ] while tending to receiver's wounds, sender gives receiver a reassuring kiss

[ stolen ] sender and receiver cross paths and can't resist ducking into a safe place to makeout before they carry on with their day

[ irresistable ] sender taunts receiver by easing closer, promising a kiss, and then backing away, making receiver chase their lips

[ lipstick ] sender is wearing lipstick, and uses that fact to mark receiver with a few lipstick stains

[ chest ] sender removes receiver's shirt and immediately rushes forward to kiss their chest

[ shivering ] sender places small kisses all over receiver's stomach

[ fake ] sender and receiver pretend to be a couple and are forced to kiss each other to blend in

[ maybe ] sender and receiver are best friends and experiment with a kiss to see where it goes

#about to actually write. #but...eye emoji. #ask memes.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, you gorgeous, beautiful person, you! i hope you have an amazing day & please know that i've loved this past year or so getting to know you and become friends with you. you're amazing! my aries sister, the gabrielle to my xena, i heart your face so much okay!!! i hope today is wonderful for you!

RAE!!!! what a sweet thing to sayyyy <3 it’s been a delight getting to know you, thank you for putting up with me fr. love you aries sis!

#out of character.

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the last thing she'd admit was that natalie was right. blaming misty was easy. it was something that she'd always done, something that they'd always done. shauna's mess was always going to connect back to them, even if they weren't involved. the least taissa could do is accept the help, even if it was from someone who she had previously kept her distance from. "was pretty surprised to hear you were in contact with her." a pause. "what'd she do, stalk you or something?" it's a sentence made as a joke, but she wouldn't be surprised either way.

there was a pit of anxiety brewing through her veins in regards to the whole situation. tai wasn't supposed to be wasting her night burying a body. this was something that was supposed to be behind them. what if shauna was wrong? it wasn't something that she wanted to believe. they had always been close. tai hopes that she would be let in if that was the case. but at this point, why would it matter? what was done was done, and all of this would be over soon. they'd go back to their lives and pretend like none of this ever happened.

"yeah well ..." she's trying to think of the best thing to say, watching as natalie continues digging the hole. there's a part of her that doesn't believe that travis was connected to all of this, but she knows it's a sore topic and the last thing she needs is to stand around and argue. taissa was already putting her life and reputation on the line enough. "what reason does shauna have to lie about it? she seemed ... pretty shaken up. as for travis ... i don't know." it is sketchy, but she hates to admit that. "if this means that my family is safe, that's all i care about." things would be back to normal, or at least that's what she so desperately wants to happen. "you were going to shoot him anyways. we'd be here doing this no matter what."

EVEN IF TAI DID PICK UP A SHOVEL TO HELP, the hole Nat was currently digging wouldn't have fit the both of them anyway. It wasn't your usual grave size ( not like what you'd see on tv or in a movie ), nor did it have to be since everything was chopped up into one large garbage bag aside from the guys' head, hands and feet. So in reality, there really wasn't much more Tai could do besides stand there or 'keep watch' as she put it. ❝ Fine, whatever. ❞ She pauses, if only to brush the back of her gloved hand over her now sweating forehead which only added to more dirt on her face in the process.

The night had been more than stressful enough as it was and in truth, she was just tired with no more will to keep fighting or arguing further. Six feet, Misty had said, as if Nat was meant to know exactly how far six feet was without a measuring tape. The one thing they didn't have. She'd just have to make an estimate at this point and dig as far down as her arms would allow her to, which was pretty hard to do given their lack of light. Hope for the best. ❝ Misty's got her own shit she's handling, we can't expect her to do everything for us. She's literally saving all of our asses right now. ❞

A predicament none of them would even be in if it hadn't been for Shauna's recklessness, but she knows bringing that up now will only lead to another potential fight in the process. ❝ The least we can do is dig a fucking hole. ❞ Actually, the least they could do was fucking nothing and let Shauna deal with it on her own, but then that put the rest of them at risk either way, didn't it—? Assuming of course, that this guy really was the blackmailer.

She has her doubts, but keeps most of them to herself, for now. Still, she can't help but ask, ❝ you really think this is the guy? Even you have to admit this whole thing is sketchy as shit, right? ❞ She couldn't be the only one who thought so. Then again, Tai always was Shauna's number one defender. But if Tai trusted her in this, Nat figures she has no other choice but to do the same. ❝ I just… it doesn't make any sense. What was the point in going so far as to kill Travis? I don't think he even ever got a postcard or at least, I never found one among his things when Misty and I broke into his place. ❞

#scatcrccio

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"i don't know why i assumed that you'd just stay in the woods." it's not like she really believes in ghosts but it's pretty hard to deny it when jackie was right in front of her even now. she does know that later in the day she's going to explain all of this away the first chance she gets. it's just another part of the sleepwalking. something that was apart of a dream. a fragment of her own guilt that has been sitting dormant for years. how could she even know that she wasn't sleepwalking again right now? deep down she knows that she isn't, but it isn't something that she wants to believe.

eyes wander around the house once more, finally looking jackie in the eyes. taissa had to accept it at some point. whether or not jackie was real didn't really matter, this was all something that she had run from for so long. looking it in the face had to mean something. "i keep my guilt and memories locked away, the way they're supposed to be. it worked for me so far." if only that were actually true.

taissa scoffs at the notion of anyone letting shauna do anything to herself. it was true that they all knew it was a terrible idea. shauna's wedding was tainted by the rest of the team whispering about how tragic it was but how it would kill their friend if they said anything. it was her way to cope and taissa had her own ways, so she couldn't judge. it wasn't like her life felt real either. "come on. you knew her. like she'd listen. she...." she pauses, a sigh passing her lips. "if she didn't marry him, she thinks that she'd lose you completely. fucked up, yeah. but .. it works for her."

she bites her tongue at jackie's last words, pushing down the feeling of dread in her heart. this is really how they did end up. unhappy. pushing through life with nothing but a life that she wasn't happy in. but she had to, what else could taissa do? "it was hard to come back. it was like learning how to be a person again. this is just how we've felt the most normal. you wouldn't ..." get it. but she doesn't want to say that, and instead just shrugs her shoulders. "sorry."

"I don't know, Tai. It's not exactly like I've got a super handy little ghost calendar and I sit around just waiting for you all to have enough of a mental break to bring me up again," she said frankly, crossing her arms over her chest. Jackie shrugged her shoulders, adding, "I'm pretty sure I might just be made of your guilt and memories. So this could just be your fault, y'know."

Like so many things were. Taissa had every opportunity to reach out and help Jackie -- they all did -- but for some reason everything became a competition with them. Well, at least the dead girl was pretty sure she'd still win in the Misery Olympics, though Tai was doing a fabulous job putting herself through the paces of being absolutely wretched.

"Of course I do," Jackie said, releasing her hands and throwing them in the air. As if this was some big surprise to anyone. "It's not like there's much else left for me to ask about. That team was my entire life. I literally don't remember a time when I wasn't friends with her -- even that night..." She laughed bitterly. Shauna had been right about high school being the best she'd ever have, the best she'd ever get.

"It doesn't make me happy to hear that, you know it doesn't," she said, sighing. "But trying to get her to be honest with me is like trying to get water from a rock... Tai, why is anyone letting her do that to herself? I mean you... you all got to live, and this is how you end up?"

#feminaferitas

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obsessed with how messy adult tai is. she is a deadbeat dad acting twice divorced with her friend from highschool/traumatic wilderness 19 months she tried to help with an abortion once and lusting after a hot butch with months left to live. this takes place in the cult 2.0 compound of other friend from highschool/traumatic wilderness 19 months. she has a wife and son and the state of new jersey to look after btw

#about taissa. #shes so goofy love her

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i'm officially back!!! had so many naps within the past two days and finally feel kinda coherent to work on some drafts + do a small rewatch <3 missed you guys, mwah.

#hmu if you'd like to plot i feel like i have to ease back into tai ssghjsk #out of character.

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our wives under the sea / julia armfield

#visage. #queue.

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the worst part was, tai knew that she would have dropped everything for van anyways. maybe that was completely selfish, but she couldn't shake the feeling. if she even had an inkling that the other had been sick, the same thing would have happened. it was weird how only a few hours earlier they had kissed and now they could barley look at each other.

the other side of her was often an excuse, even if she pretended it wasn't. taissa didn't like the answer from lottie that she was always going to be apart of her, but she had to admit, some of the things that she had done while unaware, maybe it was just what she was too scared to do. admitting that out loud was something she would never do. her head turns to look at van for a brief second, a look of sadness on her face. "i am sorry about that. finding myself at your front door ... it was as much of a surprise to me as it was to you."

it's all she can say about it, nothing but the weight of natalie's death hanging over her head. calling off help had been at the request of van and it almost scared tai how fast she found herself listening to everything they said again. there was still a level of trust there, even if it had been so long.

this was bound to be a long car ride and she dreads the fact that there's a chance they'd have to stop somewhere for the night. how many times could she say sorry again? everything felt like too little. "i know." she sounds defeated, wanting if nothing else to run away again. her problems were always going to follow her, whether she wanted them to or not. "we can't go back and change anything. we're stuck, aren't we? stuck in the past. stuck having the same conversations we've had since we were teenagers. i mean, god. she's really dead, isn't she? i never should have taken you here."

there was always going to be a sense of guilt. if only she could have controlled the situation more, or done something. but for now, she needed to get home. resume her life. forget about this. or try to. "i'll try to visit. just give me some time. it's not like she's going anywhere, right?"

Van hadn't exactly been expecting a happy reunion. That seemed a logical impossibility where this team was concerned. And so much shit had gone down that even they hadn't been privy to, if the Sharing Shack had been any indication. But there was no way to predict how this whole thing could have gone -- which made the fact that they had to drive Taissa home that much harder.

It would have been easy to leave the compound behind in the rear view, comfortable and confident in the fact that they probably wouldn't see their old teammates again, not if the tumor behind her left eye had anything to say about it. But nothing ever really was easy with them, huh? Van's eyes flitted over to Taissa for a moment, brows raising in anticipation of a sarcastic remark.

"Yeah -- it's so much easier to visit somewhere less exotic like Oberlin, right? Oh, wait--"

The redhead had always been a gifted storyteller. It was practically second nature to recount the plots of movies, little fictional snapshots of the human condition. Beginning, middle, end -- yeah, there were complications and climaxes, but entire lifetimes could go by in two hours and feel complete. But Van knew she wouldn't get that sort of closure. The end of her life was going to be a story for someone else to tell. Fuck, even Natalie -- the medics pronounced her dead of an overdose. Telling their own version of the events, and in some ways, making it true just because they said so. Wasn't that what Van had tried to do out in the wilderness? String together the unimaginable into sense and story?

They gripped the steering wheel tighter, flashing the high beams on the empty highway and flooding the path forward with light. God, if only it were that simple to illuminate the way ahead. Sitting here with Tai, with the person she thought might be the one... it left her in the grip of something incomprehensible, tongue covered in splintered words.

"You know when I go see Lottie -- if I can -- I'm not doing any 'Tai sends her best wishes' crap for you. She needs real faces, she needs our time. Fuck, Tai -- Natalie just died, we just killed Natalie. For a hunt, for what exactly?"

They weren't starving. They weren't lost. And if they were, at least why hadn't the darkness taken Van and made their survival worth something to someone else, to anyone with a future left?

#feminaferitas #queue.

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there was a weight being lifted. it terrified taissa. she had spent so long clinging to the ideal that none of this mattered anymore. it was just something she had done, something that she had believed in, to survive. that was the end of it. the moment they got rescued it was over. taissa knew that was true the moment she had stopped sleepwalking. but now that it was back - she couldn't deal with being wrong once again.

it was weird, knowing that even with how terrible and dangerous being in those woods were, there was also a calmness to be associated with believing in it. of knowing that everything that happened did so just as it was supposed to. their moral failings weren't theirs in that moment - it was just things that they didn't have control over.

but natalie was dead now. and they weren't teenagers anymore in a terrible situation that they couldn't leave. they had all come to the compound on their own. perhaps they should have just drank the drinks that lottie had given them, there would be less blame to share then. it would just be a conversation of bad luck. but taissa had participated this time. in the hunt. in everything.

she sighs, a slight shrug in her shoulders. "it was muscle memory. we spent so long doing all of those things .. it's easy to be caught back up in it. i certainly didn't want shauna dead - i just hope she knows that, too." taissa wants to believe every excuse in the book, just to still feel a bit in control. "define a weight being lifted, lottie. she's gone. i spent so long trying to keep her alive and for what? the wilderness to take her away anyways?"

❛ YOU STARTED THIS. ❜ ❛ YOU STARTED IT. ❜ YOU — LOTTIE, YOU. Misty's words correlated along with Natalie's in the back of her mind over and over again until it became insufferable. No amount of medication could keep them at bay, make them stop, for they forever lingered like a curse she'd never fully be rid of. She'd fought against the very thought for so long until she was able to finally allow herself to actually believe them to be true. Everything that happened, leading up to Natalie's death, seemed to be the very catalyst of proof that rendered Charlotte at the hilt of the blade. It's why she's here and not back at her compound, after all. All the people she's helped over the years, seemed like nothing more than a masked delusion. One mask, hiding another beneath it. Different faces worn at different times of the day and she can't seem to find them anymore. The solace she once clinged to to keep herself grounded no longer within reach for her to grab and hold onto. It doesn't exist, Tai says in turn and yet, Lottie can still feel it deep down as if festering and resting, waiting to be reborn from her own womb. She is the mother; the creation. Or perhaps, she was just helpless and in a state of denial. Maybe Tai was right but then, what was this feeling if not real? She wasn't the only one who felt it, she isn't the only one who's benefited and felt it's palpable influence. None of this would have happened had that been the case and Lottie's still willing to fight in order to make that truth be heard. Regardless of the many times she's attempted to draw it down and keep it stagnant. It was just us, Shauna's voice rings clearly, but she stands by her response just the same. Looking up to meet Tai's gaze again, surely the woman before her can see the torment in her eyes; that all too familiar guilt. ❝ Do we? ❞ Question stemmed on the assumption that they both knew the circumstance never should have happened. ❝ I wasn't the only one chasing Shauna out there. I wasn't the only one who felt that undeniable need to participate. Maybe it didn't have to happen the way that it did, but… it did. ❞ There were far too many prospects to consider and in truth, she was feeling drained just thinking about them all. ❝ Can you honestly say that there isn't some small part of you that didn't feel a weight being lifted? Tell me, Tai… tell me you didn't see a light at the end of a dark tunnel. A sudden sense that everything was going to be okay, even for a little while. ❞

Just like back then, after a death occurred, always that feeling of guilt followed by the satiation soon to follow because of it that kept them fed and warm during those cold, winter nights. The real question however, the one she doesn't ask out loud, is whether it was ever truly worth it in the end. But doing so would only mean that all the sacrifices made, all of the deaths, were done in vain and she can't bring herself to believe that Natalie's death was for nothing.

#healiotrope #v. adult tai. #queue.

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she hadn't slept so well in a long time. but that's not something that she would be quick to mention to natalie. the other woman had slept over many times before over the years, but this was the first time that either of them had been vulnerable enough to share the same bed. it seemed silly, that it took that long ... but it really did come down to nothing except stubbornness. taissa wasn't going to offer because she never wanted to push any boundaries or admit that she still had trouble sleeping alone, even after all of these years. and she's sure that natalie felt the same way. it just so happened that natalie's injury had made it easier for the other woman to accept at least a little bit more help.

eyes narrow as she watches the other take her pillow. as much as she would have loved to stay in bed, she knows that she has to get up. there was too much to do, there always was. but in the moment she just scoffs while listening to her words. she had kicked her off the bed, hadn't she? there's not much of a memory surrounding it, she just remembers the way that she felt a small burst of fear as soon as she had felt someone else in her bed that night. tai should have known that it was natalie as she was the only other person in the house, but it wasn't like she was really conscious.

"i guess if you really wanted to cuddle so badly, you should have told me earlier in the day." she teases back, glad that natalie couldn't see her face either as a small smile appears on her face. if anyone would have been in this position with her, she was glad that it was nat. it wasn't often that she let people see a more vulnerable side of her, but she really could trust natalie. "first you steal the covers and now you steal my pillow? surprised i didn't make you sleep on the ground." taissa would never.

IT SURPRISES HER TO KNOW THAT SHE'D FALLEN ASLEEP as quickly and as easily as she did. The moment her eyes came to close, she was draped in a trance-like state of bliss that let her fall into a different kind of abyss. One she would more than likely never mention out loud or even secretly to herself. Because it was with Taissa and there remained an underlining bond between them that was always unspoken but present whether they admitted it or not. Had there been no love or care between them, Nat wouldn't have been welcomed with literal open arms into the woman's bed nor comforted in such a way that left Natalie feeling warm.

She does feel the shift as Tai slowly tries to move herself out of their mutual embrace and it's then that her own memory returns of where she's at and the person beside her. It's a bit shocking, a brief moment of revelation causing her to nearly sit up right automatically. Normally, whenever she found herself in someone else's arms at night it was out of some form of intoxication or altered thinking, but that wasn't the case this time. She was the one who willingly came into the woman's bedroom in search for that same camaraderie she'd been denying herself for decades only to find it in the last person she'd ever suspect to provide it.

But that wasn't entirely true either, if anyone was going to show even a hint of care that Nat would actually accept, it was Tai. I'm serious - go back to sleep. Tai says this, but Nat's already awake by this point after recognizing her own current surroundings and remembering all the details of the night before. Instantly, she yawns and then reaches to grab the pillow the other woman had been sleeping on, cuddling it close to her chest. ❝ I can't believe you kicked me off the bed, you bitch. ❞ She teases with her face buried into the pillow, unable to help the slight smile that curls along the corner of her mouth, sight unseen.

#scatcrccio #v. adult tai. #queue.

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she was aware enough to know that things were never simple between frankie and natalie. but she never wanted to push or be in someone else's family business that wasn't her own. for a very long time she was fine with pretending like she didn't have any contact with natalie's sibling, that she wasn't feeling information and updates directly to him. in her mind, it was for her own good. something that she could do to keep her safe and keep frankie's mind at ease.

it wasn't always easy being natalie's friend, taissa of all people knew that, but she can't help the pain in her heart as the other speaks, knowing that maybe if things had gone differently, frankie would have been able to reconnect with her. she was doing better before everyone had come to the compound, maybe curiosity from everyone else what was killed her in the end. that was nothing but a recipe for constant guilt, but taissa didn't know how else to handle it. at least not at that moment.

taissa orders the same thing, not being able to help the sigh that escapes her. "shit, i'm sorry. if it means anything at all - i could always tell that she did care about you." tai could count the amount of times that frankie was mentioned with one hand (and it was never by name, but she connected the dots) but she knew natalie. she would rather push people away then actually deal with the fact that she was important in other people's lives. "might not have said it but - she always had the knack of being able to show things without words. but ... wish things could have been different."

THE MORE FUCKED UP PART OF THIS ENTIRE SCENARIO WAS THAT, he didn't care what happened. What did it even matter anymore—? What's done was done. Natalie was dead and there was nothing he could've done, because she never gave him the time of day to even be there as a sibling let alone a friend. Maybe at some point, he'll care more about the actual facts, but right now, that's not their priority. He just wants to move on, as much as possible. But it's killing him inside, more so than he's willing to admit because he still wishes he could've or should've done something. Tai doesn't want to hear all about that though or at least, that's what he's silently telling himself. No one wants the sob story.

❝ I appreciate you saying that about her, I really do, but... ❞ he can't even bring himself to say it in full. Natalie was a good person, she was, even if she didn't see it in herself. Thankfully though, someone did. When they do finally reach the bar's entrance, Frankie opens the door and lets Taissa enter through first before following suit. When she turns back to face him and ask her question on how long he's staying in town, he hesitates, because the question doesn't really have much of an answer. He sighs out with a groggy tone, hands placed in the back of his pockets.

❝ Uh... to be honest? My stay here is pretty open-ended. I thought, I mean, I hoped coming here would be for better reasons. Tried getting Nat to come back to Washington with me but, obviously that didn't pan out like I wanted so... all things considered, I haven't exactly thought things through in full. ❞ Moving towards the bar, he takes a seat upon one of the stools as hands clasp together in front of him on the counter and back hunched before ordering a whiskey neat. Nat's signature drink, after all. Seemed appropriate.

❝ Going back to our previous conversation, I guess... but what sucks is, I can't really relate or even, speak on who she was because, I don't actually know. She never let me. Spent so much of her life resenting me for leaving even though, it was never my choice and every time I tried to come back she just, ❞ head shakes, ❝ didn't give me the time of day. It's like, I never even existed in her world. ❞ 

#fscatorccio #queue.

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the sound got deleted on tiktok so i figured i could put this here

#otp: i'm never gonna be scared of you (tai&van) #</3 #queue.

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she hates that her heart still flutters as van takes her hand. for so long she had convinced herself that it was over. almost like it never happened. but it was obvious that she couldn't forget van, even if she tried. taissa listens to the other's words, on edge the whole entire time. things could have been different, if only tai had been braver. now she was full of nothing but regrets.

"you weren't going to tell me. you have months to live and you were going to leave me in the dark as if i was someone who you'd met once. do you know how much that hurts after everything? did you think i wouldn't drop everything and help you?" maybe that was selfish of her, knowing that. what would she have done, realistically? even if things weren't going down the drain with her family, taissa likes to think that she would have made the choice to help van. but who knows. she never would know now.

"i can't change the choice i made, you know that." she wants to say i wish that choice was you. i regret it. i'm sorry. yet, she can't seem to let herself. maybe it was guilt from the kiss. or inserting herself into van's life again. taissa can't stand that she wouldn't have stopped the kiss if van wouldn't have been the one to. but that whole thing meant something, it couldn't not. "but i can do better going forward. i want to help you. i need to. i owe you that much."

she's silent after van speaks. the dig at simone being in the hospital breaks her heart. it was never supposed to happen like this. she cared about her wife, she did. but she had to admit that when their phones were being taken away at the compound, the fear that she'd miss a call from the hospital wasn't at the forefront of her mind. that was terrible and she hated that it was the truth. the first thing she did when they got their phones back was check, but that wasn't enough when she was still sitting there in front of her ex, almost begging her to still be in her life. taissa finally speaks, her eyes full of pain as she looks at the other. "van, please."

Van wasn’t sure what she’d expected, but an apology wasn’t it. Taissa, strong-willed and stubborn as she was, didn’t usually apologise when faced with anger, and Van knew this. Taissa was persistent, a fighter, even back in Ohio only a couple days ago, they’d had a fight in her kitchen and it had taken a moment before Tai was able to back down and express the true depth of her fear and fragility. Van supposed that had only gotten more intense since then, and she could only begin to understand the edges of what Tai was going through, what she was thinking. All Van really knew was that they both shared in the grief that came with the loss of Natalie that night. She needed to cut Taissa some slack, and despite how heavy and harrowed she felt by everything that had happened since Tai walked through the front door of her store, she was able to centre herself with a few deep breaths before responding–even if that response was a simple, single, nod to show she accepted the apology. She was accepting it for Tai’s sake, and it sat sour in the back of her throat, but there was nothing more she could do about it. 

Van tracks Tai as she crosses the room and folds her long, lean body down to sit across from her, and Van almost needs to convince her stretched out legs to move, to let her in closer, so it takes a moment before she can cross her heavy limbs. When she’s settled again, she looks back up into Tai’s eyes, and the memory of Taissa sitting across from her and telling her they weren’t going to work in the real world floated at the edges of her mind and she had to will it away to stay focused on the present. Her heart was aching enough without letting in the literal moment she experienced it break over twenty years ago.

Van had made her point, put her thoughts out there on the matter: Taissa would go home from the motel in the morning, and Van would go to Ohio and to her appointment, and they wouldn’t have to speak about this again. They wouldn’t have to speak about their time in the wilderness, the compound, or anything else again. As far as she was concerned, they didn’t have to speak at all ever again if Tai would just get back on the bed and go the hell to sleep, but she knew that wasn’t practical with how frightened Taissa was to fall asleep with her sleepwalking-self in the picture. 

Van wasn’t prepared to hear what Tai said next. I don’t want this to be the last time I see you. It was a punch directly to the stomach. Van had to lean back into the door again to brace herself against the blow, eyes wide as she watched Tai try to stop herself from crying. She’d not wanted this, none of this. She hadn't wanted to tell Tai, she'd not wanted to see this sorrow, or worse, she'd not wanted to see an absence of it. The offering to help, the attempt to make it better, because they'd both always been problem solvers and this one wasn't something Taissa could fix, it all felt so pointless to discuss. She didn’t want to hear this, but she sucked her bottom lip between her teeth and waited, and when Tai was done, it took a moment for Van to gather her thoughts. “Taissa,” she began, voice soft despite the frustration and the confusion and the hurt coursing through her veins. 

I can’t do this alone anymore. 

“Oh, Taissa,” she repeated, leaning forward and taking Tai’s hands between hers. Hours ago, or maybe it was yesterday–or was it a week ago–they’d been kissing against a stage in a creepy auditorium, sitting in the dirt. Van had kissed her like a question, and Taissa had kissed her like it was the answer.

Van knew it wasn’t that simple, it couldn’t be. She couldn’t answer Tai’s fears or fix her problems, and Taissa couldn’t cure her now, and love and wanting and history had nothing to do with it. 

“This time, it isn’t about you,” Van continued quietly. 

I can’t do this alone anymore. 

“This isn’t about thinking you’re cruel. This isn’t thinking about what you want for me. You know, you know, that that was never the case. This is about me having an incurable disease. This is about the fact that you…that you made a choice a long, long time ago, and that that choice wasn’t me.” She couldn’t take her eyes off Tai, but she did let her hands go and put them back in her lap. 

I can’t do this alone anymore. 

“The time when this was about you, was when you made the choice for yourself, about what you wanted going forward. Me having cancer has nothing to do with you and is not about what you want for me, because you were never supposed to know about it.” Between every sentence, underlining every word, and written all over her face was, I still love you and Van couldn’t bring herself to hate herself for it anymore.  It was Van’s turn to sigh, defeated, and exhausted to the point that she could feel her own tears stinging behind her eyes, but she had practice not letting herself cry and it was second nature to blink them away. 

I can’t do this alone anymore. 

“I can’t stop you coming to the appointment on Friday, I can’t even make you go home tomorrow if you don’t want to, but what I can say is…isn’t there another hospital room you are supposed to be waiting in?” It was a last ditch effort, and maybe a cruel one, to remind Taissa that her wife, her fucking wife, was supposedly in a coma after Tai crashed their car. 

I can’t do this alone anymore.

#tattlesandtales #v. adult tai. #queue.