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literally screaming for him to wake up and see me and appreciate me for everything I’ve done for us since coming back home to him after the break(up) because he is losing me, I’m getting tired of fighting. And still he is apathetic at best.

Currently in financial ruin for this “man” ama.

Idc if this isn’t want tumblr is for- I literally have lost my entire family due to my decision to come home and try to make it work with him again after what he did to me, they don’t respect me and are keeping their distance. So I have no family of my own blood (just my little fam who adopted me as their own for giving their dad another chance) and exactly 1 friend who lives on the other side of the country. I have no one and nothing currently (other than a sick ass LDR stash necklace dupe on the way 🙌🏻) so forgive my old ass for being a MySpace kid who hated fb and went offline during the tumblr era, I’m just gonna rant here when I need because NOBODY knows me here.

It’s been 8 years since I attempted last, but each and every day lead me further down that path again and my depression sinks deeper and deeper and gets darker and more unholy by the day 😪 I’m too sunny and too bubbly to feel this way god I hate feeling this way. It would be so easy too and then 🤫 all quiet, no more pain physical or metaphysical or even emotional god that would be a dream. I can’t even buy my dad a Father’s Day or birthday gift (both back to back this month) because I threw my whole paycheck on the house we share that he’s refused to pay for (or even work for like physically Have a job for) in almost 2 years.

Where tf did my self respect go?? Why can’t I be the baddie I try to uplift other women to be when they’re down? Why am such a pushover who let’s him get away with murder??

My whole life is falling apart and all I can think is that no one is coming to save me this time. All I have is me and my own back, and even I hate me. I wish so badly I could be someone else, literally ANYONE else, and so I wish even harder for the silence. That eerie quiet to be only pierced by occasional muffled wails that I let out behind my hand clamped over my mouth through gritted teeth with the vent turned as high as it can go where no one can hear me slowly lose every single part of me that made me human, or even just me.

Maybe a nice grippy sock vacation WOULD be just the ticket to getting my mental back on track. At least it would be quieter there, in my head and in my bubble. For now my only comfort are racing nightmare anxious thoughts that play on a loop every minute or every hour of every day, I can’t seem to quieter them or stop a panic attack anymore. I don’t even know how to breathe on my own any more. I am 36 and no better off than living on my own for the first time at 16 again, and all I want to do is d*e, sometimes. Or kill the pathological people pleaser I give all of my energy to being. It’s time to go scorched earth on this Mf but it still won’t make him see me, or love me; or appreciate me for being a GD DISABLED WOMAN HE HAS LET FINANCIALLY SUPPORT HIM FOR 2 YEARS NOW. It’s gaslight gate-keep and hypocrisy 24/7 on my life so maybe it’s time to girlboss my way tf out of it and ghost every living soul I know, pack up my fur babies and flee this hell hole I’ve let my life become again. This Mf couldn’t even bother TO DO A THING for my birthday this year but cry about how he couldn’t afford a gift for me. Not try to earn some cash to even go on a date, just whine about not having the funds and then having the audacity to pass out on me early and let me agonize over every single thing I’ve fucked up in my life lately by diving deep down a cold lane with him again.

Nothing feels real anymore. I don’t even feel like a person. I’m so numb yet so soft and emotional and unstably sad all of the time but all I do is avoid it. Sitting in this pain might kill me, I can’t risk that.

#iawtds

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🚬

Bonus bad low quality gifs of the only performance I’ve seen him smoke during (x)

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— My mind turns your life into f o l k l o r e

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the eras tour lockscreens

like or reblog; <3 credits on @kaivvmori

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Matty Healy covering I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You by Colin Hay at St. Anne's Park, Dublin (June 7th, 2023)

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I couldn’t get tickets so I made extras to put in my bff’s little tour surprise gift box I made for her, to trade for me. I literally cried when she told me the stories of the girls she traded them all with and that she also saved the traded ones to send to me 😭 there’s nothing quite like the Swiftie fandom ❤️‍🩹

thinking about the adorably human behavior of just thousands upon thousands of swifties handmaking bracelets to give to and exchange with one another, with their favorite fandom inside jokes and lyrics and song titles and references, at every single show across multiple cities and states, from the very first show, and how now, at every show you see people of all ages sporting friendship bracelets that were made with the intention of simply being part of something pure. am i getting emotional about cheap bead bracelets? absolutely

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It’s this 💔 this is it right here

i like shiny things but i would marry you with paper rings// the only kind of girl they see is a one-night or a wife//she would've made such a lovely bride what a shame she's fucked in the head//and i wouldn’t marry me either

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something in the "there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love / the slowest way is never loving them enough" to the "how can you say that you love someone you can't tell has died" pipeline

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uhm

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Taylor Swift || The Eras Tour || Chicago Night 1 (June 2, 2023)

Photo by Natasha Moustache/TAS23/Getty Images for TAS Rights Management

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Taylor writing song after song about how she worked so hard to make sure she would never lose him to her writing a song about how he didn’t even notice or care that he needed to try and keep her is

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TAYLOR SWIFT The Eras Tour - Foxborough, MA - May 20th, 2023

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my heart won’t start anymore (stop ‘cause you’re losing me)

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And like also I NEVER want to get married again 🖕🏻🖕🏻 if we can’t belong to each other without some patriarchal outdated FOOLISHNESS then I don’t want it. I stayed trapped in an abusive relationship only because of some dumb piece of paper and peoples conceptions of me/my life/my ex. How to say “sorry you spent $10k on a dream wedding to the absolute wrong one, help me before he kills me”? There literally aren’t words.

Then it follows with “oh and sorry about the $150k hospital bill and almost dying cuz of my car wreck, I live in permanent chronic pain from it every day so I mostly just wish I were dead fr and the docs hadn’t saved my sorry ass literally over 10 times on night one every time I coded, I was trying to outrun that crazy man trying to chase me while we were driving. And sorry I lived through it all but then wound up in ANOTHER shitty abusive relationship and all of the self esteem and love and self respect I found when I healed from my wreck has gone completely out the window for a liar, a cheater, a master manipulator, another angry man taking his world problems out on me physically and verbally when he can’t control himself, believe me I wish I had toughed that break(up) out a little better and moved on but I came back and now I am IN IT with both feet firmly planted on the scorched earth beneath me….because of his kids 😭 who have both begun acknowledging me as their official stepmom (without the dumb piece of paper and tax breaks) and I could breathe because, finally my chance to be a mother since I can’t do it in this shitty body, to a beautiful SMART driven goal crushing young woman who just had her first baby herself at 23 (and has such similar trauma it eerie and I want to be there for her so badly), who completely flipped her entire life upside down when they told her YOU CANT so she said BET WATCH ME and I literally burst with pride every achievement she accomplishes (so fast too) and the higher she climbs to more my hope and faith in humanity swell to inhuman sizes until I’m literally radiating glitter from every pore and rainbows from my fingertips. and also to a young man of 6 almost 7 who is my literal soul mate in this life, and being in his life since 2 I absolutely cannot picture mine without him. He’s here for summer vacay and asleep in our bed (cuz duh it’s 4:30 am and I’m in a depression bath, cigarette ashes and all), and all I want is to be able to crawl onto my side hold him tight and wish for him to never grow up (and if he has to, to turn into a different man than his father). So sorry tor all of these things and how many times you saved me but I don’t have family any more or friends and i cannot leave or live without the two (now 3) humans who make me genuinely happier than I’ve ever been” 😭 😭 but if it matters to anyone I am non-writing this internal monologue to, I am miserable in a hell of my own making and the last thing I want to lose is those kids because I won’t survive that heartbreak. That’s a non romantic Cornelia Street type of heartbreak I wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed over. I won’t ever be the same and I adore and love them both (now 3 even though I haven’t met the baby yet but soon!!) more than my own life.

So I wouldn’t marry me either, a pathological people pleaser, 🗣️ WHO ONLY WANTED YOU TO SEE HER 🗣️

It ends with: I’m currently indoctrinating them both into Swiftianity 🙏🏻 ⛪️ so take us to church Blondie , I need something good to have hope for 🙌🏻

#rant

you're losing me - taylor swift / the wedding dress - frederick w. elwell

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TAYLOR SWIFT - THE ERAS TOUR

Foxborough, Massachusetts (Gillette Stadium)

Night 2

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THE ACTUAL AUDIO

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THE ACTUAL AUDIO