peachfaeryy

[peachfaeryy]

My Year is Over

When I look back on my last birthday, in which I turned 26, I cannot even remember it. I think I was so busy and anxious to begin my life in this apartment, that I mostly forgot that it was my birthday. I have virtually no recollection.

Also, looking back at the way I was feeling, it occurred to me that I didn't have any goals for the next year of my life. I suppose I really was just glad to be alive and healthy again.

~

I felt so secure in myself and who I was a year ago, and it makes me sad that I've lost a lot of myself again. And I'm not really sure if I've learned any important lessons this past year.

Virtually, I've felt like I've regressed.

~

I began this year of my life finally healthy, it had taken me a year. And I remember thinking that I didn't know how I felt a men/sex/dating.

It's not that I regret any experiences I had with the men I was romantically involved with over this year, one to this day is my committed partner. But I'm not sure if I would ever dabble in this way ever again.

~

I went from over a year of chastity to sharing myself with several. I'm not sure what really drove me to do this. Curiosity, boredom, loneliness -- I'm sure all of it. And just the mere fact that I hadn't even touched a male for so long.

I dated a few guys very briefly, was intimate with a few on this very bed, and nearly fell in love during a situationship with my co-worker Jeremiah.

I've slept with three men in this bed over the past year.

And here I am today, around 8 months into a relationship with my partner, Gabriel.

~

Let me tell you about Gabriel:

I love him. I find it so hard to trust in him, so hard to breathe easy, so hard to just let things be...but I love him. And it took me a little while to adjust to being in love with someone.

To this day, this moment, I'm still adjusting to being in a relationship again.

And it's been difficult, and I think it's taken a toll on my mental health and security.

And I had been so terrified of this relationship becoming toxic, or him completely pulling away, and changing his mind completely about me, that it's just been so hard to connect deeply. But I want to. I want to.

It's my intense trust issues and insecurity that have made me feel like I have regressed, because I have found myself ridden with anxiety at times in this relationship.

I love him because at his core, he is a very silly and goofy person. He is the first person that I feel doesn't take himself as seriously, and genuinely makes me laugh.

Whenever I smoke with him in his bed, or on my couch, I feel like I can finally let go of that anxiety, and enjoy this beautiful person. Those are the moments I have cherished the most with him, so much so that they're memories I will have and hold with me for the rest of my life.

I can't explain how it feels with Gabriel, when it's late, and I'm so high, and he is by my side and we are laughing and watching cartoons.

Even though I have been anxious at times, and even very angry, once I step away from my intrusive thoughts, I know he cares for me. He will always get me water for the bedside table, and he tells me verbally that he loves me. He tells me I'm pretty every day. And wraps his arms around my womb after sex.

He's not perfect, but I no longer worry about him secretly being a toxic or hateful person. I believe that he has a good heart, and no matter what were to happen to us, I believe that he will have my best interest and good intent.

I hope to shed, and shed my anxiety and insecurity, and grow my relationship with him. I want to be with him long-term. We have plans of living together.

I love Gabriel, and I wonder what is next for us.

~

I hope to go back to feeling very comfortable in my own company. I have made strides in this, but there is always room for improvement.

I want to go back to feeling peaceful. I feel like this is the biggest asset that has been stolen from me, for whatever reason. I want to feel peaceful again. It ebbs and flows within me.

I want to become a person I like again.

I want to go back to coming home and practicing dance. I want to go back to coming home and reading. It's so hard to be in a relationship and yet still feel like a whole person. I want to explore interests again and connect with other people other than Gabriel.

~

It was around 2 years ago today when I thought my fucking life was over. Even driving home from Dallas today, I looked down and saw the five faint lines by my knee where I cut myself during a panic attack. Only two years, can you believe that?

I may not have learned all that much this year, and yes I feel like I've regressed.

But I can walk away from this year knowing that I will always be okay. I was so afraid when I was in my deepest depression, I was so afraid that I would never experience the feeling of happiness or find love ever again. I genuinely thought that I would never romantically connect with a man ever again. Believe me when I tell you this. And those were the reasons I felt suicidal.

But I now know that that is not true, and it was a lie I was telling myself. It's just not true.

Not only have a connected with multiple people over this year, but I have fallen in love again. And it's not like it took two whole years to get to this point, things have been okay for quite some time now.

And I no longer feel if a relationship were to fail, that it would kill me, and my life will be over. I will mourn, I will be sad, and I will need time. I'm human. But it'll be okay. I will move on, and I will always find love again (if I wish to). I can and will find partnership with someone I'm very attracted to. And with all this, gives me the power to walk away if I should ever feel miserable again.

~

I feel a little lost, I will not lie to you. But I am hopeful, and looking forward to the future.

It'll be okay.

[peachfaeryy]

I'm still upset like all the time about it lol

[peachfaeryy]

I felt disrespected and misunderstood over the weekend. I tried to be cool about it, but the more I thought about it, the more I felt like there was no resolve. I got tired of policing and reiterating my issues, so overall I felt pushed away.

I kinda just felt uncaring of what you did or said anymore.

[peachfaeryy]

Look, I did what I said I would. I gave myself space in the morning.

I still feel distant towards him. I'm tired of stressing over this relationship. I'm really just...tired. I feel like he's gotten so lazy.

And I feel disrespected.

Look, I'm not at a point where I'm ready to end it. But I'm going to let time go on. If the amount of times I feel disrespected dissipates, then maybe there is a chance of me being happy again in my relationship.

But if I continually feel disrespected, then I don't want to be with him anymore.

[peachfaeryy]

Okay,

I've taken a few breaths, I've taken a bath, and I have drank some water.

This post is rational and thought-out.

For whatever reason, whether it's justified or not, I genuinely do feel pushed away, and very agitated by Gabriel and our relationship at this time.

I'm choosing to accept my true feelings on this and be kind to myself. This is how I feel. I believe it's both parties making me feel this way.

I genuinely do feel like I need to take space to care for my own mental health, because it is not doing well right now. And my self-esteem is low. I feel very insecure right now. I need to at least take this week to try to take care of myself.

Tomorrow, I want to take time to not worry and stress over my relationship, and be able to focus on the tasks I need to do at hand. And socialize with other people. I believe this will help me. I plan to turn off my phone, and I'll probably check it around lunch time.

Tomorrow and this week -- I don't want to come off as angry/pissed off/etc. If anything, I can be honest and upfront, and healthily say that I'm taking time to calm myself. Hopefully it will actually help, and maybe it will eliminate this extreme anxiety.

[peachfaeryy]

I need time and distance from this relationship

[peachfaeryy]

I'm better alone and not around anyone

[peachfaeryy]

I'm just so fucking angry at him right now. Like leave me alone tomorrow fuck you.

Like let me be distant I need a break from you pissing me off all the time

Like leave me alone everyone leave me alone everyone

I never wanna leave MY apartment my only safe space in this whole fucking world where I don't feel fucking INSECURE I don't feel insecure nothing in my apartment makes me feel insecure it's everything and everyone out there

[peachfaeryy]

Whatever maybe I can feel distant towards someone wow me distant in a relationship unheard of sorry but I feel pushed away.

Fuck you

[peachfaeryy]

I'm really angry in this moment and I know I don't mean this is my heart

But I fucking hate him right now, and I feel like he's being lazy ass bf he is not who he was the first 6 months and I resent him and I knew this was going to fucking happen idk if he's comfortable or just uninterested but fuck him fuck him fuck him

Whatever. Maybe I'll end it and do what's best for myself bc that's better than him constantly disappointing me and making me unhappy and not treating me in the way that I want. I'm sorry, but lately everything he does pisses me off and it isn't how I want him to respond/act

I hate him

And I and mentally and emotionally dropping this relationship from my brain. Even if I feel like I need to mentally break up with him for a few hours (like 12-15 hours so be it)

Idk if he means to be but he's just being a shitty bf

[peachfaeryy]

Me writing a lengthy text about recapping the insecurities I have felt and him leaving me on read

Oh but he'll reply to the group chat in a timely manner.

To DIANE in a timely manner

This is exactly what I'm talking about

[peachfaeryy]

I don't wanna talk to him

I just feel...angry and resentful towards him.

[peachfaeryy]

I like being at my apartment where it's really quiet, and I'm not being seen/looked at.

I don't like to eat a lot right now, and feel really overwhelmed with all foods.

I wish I could drink all my meals.

I really connect with music that eccentuates feelings of loneliness, or even agony. Or maybe even regret.

I just want to lay in the dark and breathe.

[peachfaeryy]

What is the story I’m telling myself?

The story that I tell myself is that Gabriel is essentially incapable of being completely monogamous and only getting romantic validation from me. Therefore, he checks out other women either in person or (mostly) online. I believe he loves and cares for me, but this is a need of his that I could never fill.

Does my fear of loss and abandonment cloud my perspective and cause me to overreact to my partner’s actions?

I believe I'd be lying if I said no. I have gotten a lot better about "fear of being alone" and/or losing someone -- but I'm not completely healed/over it. I do have fear of losing Gabriel himself. However, I do feel with proper mourning and time I would be okay, but it's not something I want to do at all. And the pain of that scares me.

Is my mistrust coming from something that is actually happening in the present, or is it related to my past?

I believe that that causes for my intense anxiety/mistrust stem from both.

Past:

•Stories he has told me on his past of being very flirtatious

•Trust issues due to my past relationship with my ex

Present:

•Feeling jealous and overwhelmed when I feel like he is overly friendly. Questionable (as in I don't know what kind of conversations he's having) with women online.

Do I feel comfortable asking for what I need and allowing myself to be vulnerable?

•For the most part yes, but not completely. I spoke with him today pretty explicitly about my insecurity of him being flirtatious with other girls. I could have gone into more detail and been a little more specific (in terms of my instagram conversation suspicions) but I didn't because I don't want to look needy or more insecure than I already do.

[peachfaeryy]

I guess I've got to admit to myself that at least right now I feel awful in my relationship. And I don't know or can't tell who/what is to blame for it.

I feel like I need therapy because I don't know if I have waves of where I just can have serotonin in my brain, or if it's something that's truly going on. I feel and have felt like this in every relationship.

Or I can't tell if I'm going stir crazy just because it's the very tail end of summer.

And this is where I can become avoidant (a new development for myself) because during times where I feel this way the relationship and everything related to it is so overwhelming to me, so anxiety-driven, that I can't even interact with it. And I just want to shove that aspect of my life in a closet and walk away.

I don't know what it is, I don't. I just feel like I can't trust him. For whatever reason. I don't know if it's because of deep-set trust issues due to my engagement falling apart, and the abuse that came with that, or if it's something in Gabriel that I can't trust. And I'm tired of lying to myself, and convincing myself that I do trust him.

And this is not something I want for myself, and it's something I try to fight and constantly, constantly rationalize through, to no avail. And it's the constant reassurance in myself and rationalization that stress me out, and make me feel bad. It's something that I hope with time and experience will get better...but I don't know how to improve, and I don't have the tools.

I fear that he flirts with other girls online. And I am frustrated with myself, and feel like I have betrayed myself, because I didn't/don't want to have to slap him on the wrist or feel anxious about that. I wish I had the courage and self esteem to know that I don't deserve to be disrespected like that. But then I don't know if I even have proof that he flirts with other girls online.

It's the fact that I've noticed him having conversations with multiple girls (3-4) that I have absolutely no idea who they are, nor has he ever mentioned any of these names. But he doesn't appear to be secretive about it, he will type these messages to them in front of me.

And on the day I was concerned, he publicly posted he and I together on his story. So. Idk.

~

I perceive Gabriel to be a flirtatious person. Based on his attractive aura (to men and women) and things he has told me from his past (flirting with other girls while in a relationship, general girl craziness)

I just don't know what to do about any of this, and I feel stuck, and it's making me miserable.

I feel like I'm too insecure to be with him. And sometimes I feel like if I did what was best by me, I would leave. It's not that he has done anything wrong really...I just think it takes a stronger person than I can be.

[peachfaeryy]

How can I feel like this?

Did we leave it off on a bad note? He kissed me goodbye. He wanted me to come with him.

We had sex 3 times.

He told me I was so pretty,

He told me I was a model.

He said he'd miss me.

Why is none of this good enough for me? Nothing he could do can put this anxiety at bay.

[peachfaeryy]

I was so sad in 2018