peachesand-dream

[peachesand-dream]

Janae Roberts

[peachesand-dream]

[peachesand-dream]

[peachesand-dream]

[peachesand-dream]

Riccardo Capotosti

[peachesand-dream]

[peachesand-dream]

[peachesand-dream]

[peachesand-dream]

[peachesand-dream]

[peachesand-dream]

[peachesand-dream]

[peachesand-dream]

Mahmoud Darwish, Life To The Last Drop

[peachesand-dream]

Today I feel so overcome with rage, I could scream until my lungs give out. There are so many contributing factors and in my true dissociative style I learned as kid, I sit here peaceful and quiet - like nothing is wrong because god forbid I show my emotions. For all my life showing emotion has felt like a rebellious act. Which is absolutely ridiculous, really. So here I am furiously typing a way what will inevitably sit in my stomach, in my nervous system - a deep pit of despair, fear, guilt and anger - all brewing into one big concoction of shitty feelings, gugrling around in my stomach. I feel so much heaviness mentally and physically from holding everything in. Before I grab my phone to seep into my blissful little dissociative state any further - this is what is currently preventing me from functioning.

I am angry and hurt with my parents. Because all my life they;ve made me feel like I don't matter, my feelings don't matter, and my pain is invalid. Any sickness or injury would be met with a joke or taunting or a serves you right - or what became the most used "this is probably your fault" and somehow attributed to my eating disorder and the inability to take care of myself. Always reinforcing this notion that I'm pathetic and weak. Something I still struggle to convince myself otherwise of. Now I'm 31 years old. I have a rare and at times debilitating disease with no cure. I also have a secondary disease that causes my body to feel constant nausea 24/7 and bloating - which fuels the eating disorder even more. I'm angry with my parents because they never ask how I am. They don't care. If I bring up my health they change the subject. So I've learned to do the same to myself. health fears creep in and I instantly dismiss and invalidate them. Until they become so loud I have no choice but to pay attention to them. I'm angry at myself for having so little friends at this point in my life. For being so introverted, shy and anxious that social events make me completely spiral, that sharing how I feel is is near impossible, and that my illnesses feel even louder, that I constanty feel alone and unsupported. I'm angry at my partner because I cannot deal with another night like last night where he came home so drunk he was unable to stand, picked a fight with me over an open blind and left 4 inches deep of vomit in our bathtub. Some people might feel this is unfair of me but it's not the drunkenness that upsets me. It's who he becomes when he drinks and how uncomfortable and unsafe I feel in my own home when he comes home like that. I feel so disrespected, hurt and disgusted. I deserve better than this. This has happened too many times. I've had too many sleepless anxiety filled nights waiting for him to come home yet not know what I'm up against. I wish he respected me enough to stop doing this. If he wants to become the father of our children, then I need him to stop behaving like this. Because at the moment, one more night like this would probably send me to breaking point.

[peachesand-dream]

I cannot shake this sadness. No matter how hard I try. I've fallen down a deep dark hole right back into the land of the Eating Disorder. I feel like I've hit rock bottom. I am so unhappy in my job and my plans to launch a new career have failed spectacularly. I feel like I can't get off this non stop rollercoaster of anxiety that peaks in the morning, in the evening when I come home (when I should be most relaxed) and when the weekend has commenced and I'm on edge about whether he is going to be in a mood that I have to work with, whether he is feeling aimlessly angry again and I'm going to be walking on eggshells, whether he is too tired and I know It will be held against me if I suggest doing something because he will become even moodier. I'm anxious about returning to a job I hate each day, all the changes within the organisation, the fact the place is ruining my competency and de-skilling me, the fact my partner wants kids in a year so I feel very much trapped in, the fact I don't feel smart, motivated, or capable enough of applying for something else, the fact that I'm on 6 figures yet only just affording to live in this economy, the fact I have a rare hereditary disease that could one day become completely disabling, the fact that I have a 50% chance of passing this on to my children, the fact I have little to no relationship with my family, the fact that with each year I seem to have less and less friends around me, the fact that the only thing that brings me joy is losing a bit more weight which I know in fact is very fucked up. MY head is about to explode. Why do all these feelings hit me like an avalanche every Sunday. Probably because I don't have the energy or strength to acknowledge them any other given day. Oh and he bought me guided journals to use. As though this will somehow alleviate all of the above. I can't even bring myself to open them. I hate gifts. Something I've made clear time and time again. I should be grateful, but every time I even look at them, I just feel hurt and angry.

[peachesand-dream]

Katya Lepkova

[peachesand-dream]

The more you push me, the more I lean inward and learn to hold space for myself. The more you hurt me, neglect or shut me out, the louder my self love speaks. You said when things haven't worked in the past with others, you've cut them right off. I don't know whether you intended this as a threat, or to intimidate me. We may have reached a resolution for now but I won't forget how quick you were to suggest this can't work, how unwilling to compromise or reach a resolution you were. And when I expected the feeling of unworthiness and sorrow to creep back in, instead I felt a quiet indignation, a silent knowing and promise to myself - I will make myself happy. Regardless of where things go with us, I will hold onto the belief that I deserve better. I love you, but I lost respect for you when an attempt to resolve an issue felt like you trying to make me feel smaller. I've bowed down to intimidation and fear in the past, let myself feel small and inferior. You say I'm the one that needs to be in control, but I only cling to control because you create so much uncertainty through your actions. I would argue rather, I'm clinging to safety and stability - something you haven't been able to provide for a while now. I think you are the one that needs to be in control. You refuse to have conversations with me unless it suits you and that's why all of the big things came out in one big, ugly, emotion fueled argument. If you had let me voice these things much sooner, it never would have escalated to this. I think sometimes when I cry it's not just because I'm defeated. It's a silent plea that you'll see you've crossed a line and hurt me. I won't let this make me feel any less worthy of love and all the good things in life. You taught me that love comes with pain. But you've also unknowingly taught me my worth.