peaches2217-rantsandraves

[peaches2217-rantsandraves]

Hhhhhhh… I don’t really have much validity as a person or a member of this fandom outside of my writing, so the fact that I’ve been struggling to write has me down. When I’m writing, I feel like I’m doing something! I feel included and loved! And when I’m not, I feel like a fandom-sized third wheel, awkwardly lurking at the edges of everyone’s posts and demanding to be included when I’ve really got no right or reason to be. I’ve gotta get my shit together. I’ve gotta get back to writing more regularly. I don’t like this feeling.

[peaches2217-rantsandraves]

I’m scared to death that people see me as a stuck-up snob who’s too good for everyone else, but I’m also scared to death of actually interacting with people before they initiate interaction with me because my brain tells me that’ll just make people hate me even more. It helps that I’m a pansy whose biggest triggers and most uncomfy topics are Really Common Topics within fandom content, so when I don’t interact, it looks like I’m just turning my nose up at them when in fact I just don’t wanna put myself into a mental spiral OR ruin anyone else’s fun. What do I do?? How do I fix that flaw?? I don’t like being the one that kinda slinks at the outside of all the fun and then awkwardly tries and fails to inject himself into it when no one asked her to be there anyway.

I’ve got an appointment on Thursday, and I’m hoping and praying I can try getting on something for bipolar depression, because I’ve gotta try something new. I hate feeling this way.

[peaches2217-rantsandraves]

First formal post! Woo!

The “Everyone hates you because you’re a terrible person and so fucking annoying and everyone’s eager for you to just go away” voices are Very Fucking Loud tonight, exacerbated by some particularly nasty dysphoria, both top and bottom. Hooray high-dollar binder that STILL can’t flatten me down!

So! I’m giving up for today and taking some heavy-duty sleep meds. Gotta be more productive tomorrow. Gotta make up for take up space.

Gotta figure out whether to make smut or parental fluff because if I chose wrong everyone will hate me. I know it’s logically not true, but I can’t get that voice out of my head.

[peaches2217-rantsandraves]

Testing? Testing testing! If you’re reading this, welcome! This is @peaches2217, and this is officially where the vast majority of my negativity is going to go.

Due to the nature of this blog, know that I might post some heavy stuff, or at least very whiny and repetitive stuff; venting helps me sort out my emotions and thoughts, but I want to keep my page proper a lighthearted and welcoming place. So if you’re a friend or a fan or anything of the sort, know that you’re under no obligation to keep tabs on this page; even ranting into a void is helpful for me!

I’ll still be tagging each post with individual TWs, so if you wanna keep tabs but can handle some topics and not others, I wanna ensure this is still as much a safe space for you as it is for me. And as with my main page, if anything needs more thorough tagging, just let me know and I’ll happily oblige.

Here’s to a more upbeat future and greater stability as I learn where and how to navigate life issues!