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An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,” she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

Father replied, “I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next please!”

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brain: here's a good memory with someone who ended up really hurting you

me: why did you bring me this

brain: just because

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Having no sources of intimacy in your daily life and therefore resorting to learning as much as you can as a way to pass the time is such a sad cycle, every single day its like what can I become obsessively interested in this time to vaguely simulate companionship and a temporary sense of purpose that I know will eventually make me feel even more alone because even if I find meaning and enjoyment it is completely irrelevant to and isolated from everyone and everything else

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literally the hardest thing about suffering from depression is feeling like ur never depressed enough to actually have depression

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You’re doing soooo much for someone that doesn’t do shit for you….why? 

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Monsterf*ckers during/after Venom:

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so you dated the wrong person and learned a hard lesson. you chose the wrong major and had to start over again. you cherished a friend who backstabbed you. it sucks, but it’s also going to work out. that’s life; you learn, hurt, love, cry, laugh, and keep going. you experience setbacks and you grow and it’s all okay.

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hard pill to swallow: there are some things that are not meant for you. you will meet people that are not willing to stay. there will be times that you will fail. but don’t be discouraged because alongside, you are meant to be something, you will meet people that will stay, and most importantly, you will get better.

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I read this post the other day that said “sometimes people pretend you’re a bad person so they don’t feel guilty for the things they did to you” and boiiii has that one stuck with me

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Any girl want to date me and not break my heart?