pda-blog

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(in a dora-like voice)

Let's play guess how many missing assignments I have! Do YOU know how many it is? ... You don't? Neither do I! All I know is it's a lot 😃

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The PDA Struggle

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pathological demand avoidance in autism is wild. my body will be like “i need the bathroom” and my brain will be like “ok” but then my nervous system will be like “i perceive this as a threat so now i’m systematically going through all the evolutionary adrenaline responses”

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... more pda memes.

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do you ever get emotional thinking about how your nervous system is just trying to protect you? I'm trying out the mindset where I view my oversensitive nervous system with compassion instead of resentment.

I think it's interesting that many people boil PDA down to not wanting to be told what to do. In reality, it's caused by having a nervous system that is extremely sensitive to anything that takes away control or autonomy.

My mom has been teaching me scripts to advocate for myself. She knows that people won't respond well to "I have pathological demand avoidance," because they think it's a made up label (e.g. 'PDA is an excuse to be stubborn or lazy'). Instead, she says I can say things like, "My nervous system goes into fight-or-flight really easily," or "my body is in survival mode a lot of the time."

Why even bother bringing it up? Because I do things (that are out of my control) that confuse and bother other people. I want to explain it. I get angry/defensive in unexpected scenarios, constantly show signs of anxiety, and often find roundabout ways to follow directions. It gets confusing when someone tells me we're going to watch our favorite movie together, and I get really irritated and won't come out of my room!

I don't want my loved ones to think I don't like them, or that I'm trying to ruin the vibes. I love them and I want to make happy memories with them. It's just hard a lot of the time because my body is telling me to fight, run away, or roll over most of the time.

So, anyway, all this to say that I am trying to show my nervous system some compassion. Other people might not believe in PDA or nervous system responses, but I can't control that. The most I can do is have compassion for myself, and learn how to advocate for my needs.

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I am not really there

Marya Hornbacher, Madness: A Bipolar Life /// Ramon Casas, Laziness, c1898-1900 /// Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar /// Edward Hopper, Morning Sun, 1952 /// Gail Honeyman, Elinor Oliphant is Completely Fine /// Reynier Llanes, The Poet, 2021 /// Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1931–1934 /// Amy Dury, Glasgow Girl 2, 2019 /// Rebecca Ross, Divine Rivals /// Adrienne Gaha, Blue Uniform, 2016

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shockingly, there's more.

I am putting the link to my first meme set so I don't lose it.

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Me: I have to do the task. I'm not even that upset about the task. The task needs to be done. I would actually like the task to be over pretty quickly

My body: WE'RE GOING TO BE MURDERED. WE'RE BEING ASKED TO WORK OURSELVES TO DEATH. THIS IS THE END LAY ON THE FLOOR AND DO NOTHING FOR AN HOUR.

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Breakthrough - I think I finally kinda get money. It's taken a lot of hard work to figure it out, but I think the problem was that I fundamentally could not focus on money. Like it made sense, but how it motivated people just made no sense.

But I had a moment of clarity today, that my financial situation is bad(??) And I should probably make more choices that result in me obtaining money.

One problem, fuck it's hard to focus on money. Like I'm happy as can be to make a little budgeting sheet, track my spending, record my savings it's a walk in the park, I fucking love paperwork. But that's not actually Getting Me more money. Even if I write it all out, the problem is that I'm struggling to react to money.

The moment of clarity came to me, when I wrote down all of my little online stores I made over the years in a list. I have a goal of making a certain amount of money this year (I've calculated it and everything). So I made a goal for each online store: how much do I want each store to make this year so I reach my financial goal?

Guess what I wrote down? $5. $10. $50. $100.

I was fucking happy the whole time to just sell One. Thing. A. Year. And that would be a success to me! In my brain that would flip the switch that goes "Yep I made money. Don't need any more!" And I would be satisfied with those amounts and not even THINK about making more.

SO, those whole time working on these online stores, I thought I was setting up something financially stable, because it FELT stable. If I sold a few things in one day and made $10, I was like "hell yeah". But, that doesn't fit with my financial goal. But it seriously felt like it was. I know intellectually this makes no sense because it's simple math, but basically I had a freaky moment where I could tell my perspective was warped somehow. Like, until I wrote it down, I SERIOUSLY thought those stores would make enough money to reach my goal. Because it FELT like they would, everything felt fine! Nothing felt stressful or 'not enough'! I never felt the need for more, even though factually I need more!

That really, REALLY gave me some pause.

It made me realise, "Wait, I am not processing the concept of money like most people... I think"

#Pda #Pathological Demand Avoidance #If u can't tell I live with parents obviously but yeah money is a fucking mind fuck #I've ghosted a bit too many people who want to pay me #And it's like today I could tell in the back of my mind 'Hmm I think I am on the road to poverty' #But only for little glimpses and seconds #I don't think this is a spoilt kid thing. Like. I am trying really really hard to understand #But I think I don't have the same inbuilt reactions to money that most people have... it's just avoid spending and avoid earning #But I'm amazing at investing #I know because I haven't checked it and never will :) #But yeah that's why I did the online stores because I don't have to make the money myself you know #I figure... if I figure this shit out I think I'll be okay. Maybe it's one of those things where I have to trust the process #Like sometimes I follow my own schedule and I'm like “this makes no fucking sense why do I have to get ready 2 hours early” #Lo and behold tho it gets me there on time even tho I don't understand it in the moment (I struggle with processing time) #Maybe money is a bit like that for me #And maybe That's why I'm finding it so hard to even think about having a job point blank #Because it makes zero logical sense to me #Even though it makes logical sense for the situation #In that case I probably shouldn't rely on my own reactions to money in order to fuel money-making behavior #It should probably be automated... like online stores..... 😑 gaaaah

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I want to stop using social media for demand avoidance.

It's so annoying to go from doing a hobby I enjoy to mindlessly scrolling social media because I need a drink and I only managed the demand of stopping the hobby.

#Mood #Also this was succinctly put- I didn't even realise that's what I was doing

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Talking to someone without PDA

Talking to someone with PDA

#Pathological Demand Avoidance #Pda #Minesweeper: a metaphor when someone demands something out of thin air #5d chess: we both Feel The Same Demand and are both avoiding it at the same time #Could be several different interpretations to it I think #actually autistic

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Whenever I'm told to do something I mob psycho sound effect

#Pathological Demand Avoidance #Pda #Autism #Guess who finished mob psycho 100 #Mp100

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slight problem

Me: I would like to get on disability

Disability: OK u probably qualify. But u have to tell us your income (even if it's 0$) every fortnight for the rest of ur life. If youre two weeks late u lose it

Disability: and youre under 35 so you are required to participate in volunteering activities.

Disability: and if you marry you stop getting it which opens you up to financial abuse and if ur partner loses their job u gotta apply again

Disability: BTW before u apply u gotta do an 18 month course to find a job. You cannot miss any appointments otherwise it's a violation of your mutual obligations

Me: I'd rather die thanks actually

#Pda #Pathological Demand Avoidance #Autism #Neurodivergent #If you know you know

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#pathological demand avoidance #pda #asd #autistic #autistic spectrum #neurodivergence #actually pda #actually neurodivergent #I agree with this though I don't remember the source #Like I can try my hardest to brute force a task but after a certain point #I am in so much panic that my body puts calming down as its 1st priority #Like the other day I was trying to get out the door and could not stand up #Every time I moved my leg or whatever I had to calm myself down again #Do breathing exercises/visualization/self talk etc #There is a certain point where you need to calm down or you will freeze up #and your mind will blank out and everything will feel fake so its hard to do the task #in my experience anyway

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#pda #pathological demand avoidance #coping strategies #actually pda #asd #autism spectrum #actually neurodivergent #coping skills #resource