patanahibhay

[patanahibhay]

How can it be that I am both

too much

AND

not enough

[patanahibhay]

when boygenius said "who would i be without you without them" and "in another life we were arsonists" and "mama told me that it don't run on wishes but that i should have fun pushing the flowers that come up into the front of a shotgun so many hills to die on" and "you know how i get when i'm wrong" and "i can feel myself becoming somebody i'm not" and "i'm twenty-seven and i don't know who i am but i know what i want" and "when you don't know who you are you fuck around and find out" and "you've never done me wrong except for that one time that we don't talk about because it doesn't matter anymore who won the fight? i don't know we're not keeping score" and "it feels good to be known so well i can't hide from you like i hide from myself i remember who i am when i'm with you your love is tough your love is tried and true-blue" and "wishin' you were kind enough to be cruel about it" and "i'll pretend bein' with you doesn't feel like drowning" and "i don't know why i am the way i am" and "half a mind that keeps the other second guessing" and "always an angel never a god" and "if this isn't love then what the fuck is it? i guess just let me pretend" and "i don't wanna die, that's a lie but I'm afraid to get sick i don't know what that is" and "if you're not enough then i give up and then nothing is" and "i used to think if i just closed my eyes i'd disappear" and "you said i might like you less now that you know me so well" and "i never thought you'd happen to me, i never thought you'd happen to me" and "if nothing matters, man, that's a relief" and "you could absolutely break my heart that's how i know that we're in love" and "will you still love me if it turns out i'm insane? i know what you'll say, but it helps to hear you say it anyway" and "i'll be feeling lonely so i'll walk to karaoke sing the song you wrote about me, never once checking the words i hope that no one sings along, i hope i'm not a regular" and "damn that makes me sad it doesn't have to be like that if you rewrite your life may i still play a part?" and "salt in my lungs, holding my breath, makin' peace with my inevitable death" and "i guess i did alright considering" and "tried to be a halfway decent friend wound up a bad comedian an honest fool with more bad habits than you can count" and "there we were was anyone ever do young? breakin' curfew with illegal fireworks unpackin' god in the suburbs" and "you don't have to make it bad just 'cause you know how" and "i love you i don't know why i just do" and "you're not special, you're evil" and "you made me feel like an equal but i'm better than you" and "i wanna be happy"

[patanahibhay]

Love when a dude mansplains to me that a chemical imbalance in my brain will be cured if I just change my perspective and I shouldn't think so negative

[patanahibhay]

you were raised in comparison.

it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.

you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.

you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.

what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.

it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.

you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.

you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?

a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.

you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.

it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.

something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.

[patanahibhay]

My bad buddy

Accidentally started to think I was normal and loveable

[patanahibhay]

[patanahibhay]

ok to rb

[patanahibhay]

nice personality disorder did your mom give it to you

[patanahibhay]

nice personality disorder did your mom give it to you

[patanahibhay]

google search how to act normal

google search how often should i blink

google search what am i supposed to say after i say whats up and they say not much

google search how close is it normal to stand

google search am i offputting

[patanahibhay]

you were supposed to save me but instead, you sacrificed me.

[patanahibhay]

[patanahibhay]

musings on loneliness

sylvia plath, nickie zimov, charles bukowski, masashi kishimoto, haruki murakami, holly warburton, charles bukowski, the beatles, nigel van wieck, marta zamarska, sylvia plath, van gogh

if you like this, you can buy me a ☕

[patanahibhay]

I want friends who're my friends nd not just friends :(

[patanahibhay]

There’s nothing I love in this world more than friendship. Pure unadulterated friendship. That moment when you look around you at these people you’ve been laughing with for the last hour and think “holy fuck these people, these kids, I’d give my life for these stupid losers.” The only thing I’ve ever wanted was friends.

[patanahibhay]

i just want a friend (a girl) with whom i can talk about all the ed stuff

like it’s a need right now i feel sooo fucking alone

[patanahibhay]

Men r so shit bhay even the nice ones sab barbad