para-ix4

[para-ix4]

18/7/22

Anusheh benis wedding is this week/end. I’ve been like using this moment as a reason to not do it and now that it’ll be soon over I have no clue what to look forward to. I’m getting a tattoo soon that will be several stars on my rib all drawn by people in my life- so that if I die I’ll have them all with me in the end. It’s so hard to live passively when I can’t stop thinking about ending everything to be honest. I’ve never felt that my happiness has ever been continuous. Shahiqs sister is really sweet and kind and she’s just like me two years ago. I cant stop listening to the playlist simon made me. It is the saddest thing in the world I can’t believe my first love was that terrible and messy and incredible and warm and I wish he was still here not him that he is now but the he that he was when we first met. The one that complemented me every second and gave me books and sent me his writing the one that laid under the covers with me on my eighteenth the one that giggled with my little brother the one who was there every night over the phone as I slept but hes gone and he won’t ever come back. I’ve lost all hope but I can’t admit it to anyone my brother is leaving for Europe my mother is so sad my little brother is in his own world I don’t think it would be too bad if I left. I hate being by myself but that’s how life is and I know I’ll get used to it again but when will that be I don’t think I can take my thoughts anymore. I remember when he used to show me songs over the phone and I would play shitty rap for him to listen to. Nothing hurts as much as grieving the loss of someone who’s still alive. He is probably still with her and I can’t fathom if they are sharing smiles and how he looks at her when she says funny things. I’m losing my mind I think I’m finally manic as well which wasn’t too unexpected. I need to buy a diary. I am so unhappy I am so disappointed in myself I don’t like who I am I don’t see anything for myself there is nothing in the future it is all so Grey

[para-ix4]

11/7/22

day 2 after nearly attempting

Kind of terrified of myself and feeling very empty but I have hope to get better and I will get better. On the train to go get my bag. S blocked me on everything too so that’s good. Arch is being very comforting. But I can’t rely on him and I’m really glad that I know that. I did shit on my make up exam today for anatomy but I’m sure I will do better next semester. I have to buy a new diary!!! Also I wrote this next bit on my notes when I was going towards Epping station

The young children eating maccas sharing food

They remind me of my little brother I can’t stop smiling

The old white lady grabbing her bag with her teddy jumper

My green jumper and green scarf

the man with the uni brow

Letting people go first

The blue veins that run on the sides of my index fingers

Realising that not everything reminds me of him

Platform two

My shoes are really dirty

[para-ix4]

6/7/2022

New Beginning!!!!!!!!

I am all the stars.

Pretty sure I have gingivitis or some kind of gum problem, they keep bleeding & are so sore. Anyways a lot has happened in the past few days. Something clicked in my head and now I can’t seem to change it - I am so sick and tired of not being chosen. I realised I love hard and care hard without the need of it being reciprocated but I think that’s changing now. I’ve distanced myself in every way I can! Deleted the playlist, deleted every conversation and most of the photos and it only felt like relief. But I am still stuck in this weird like thought circle (as follows): he was never like this in the beginning -> I swear he loved me -> it wasn’t actually love tho -> how has he become this person. But it’s not really making me feel sad anymore it’s kinda crazy. I see all the old books he once gave me and I kinda just go Eh. I don’t want to give it too much credit but I think it may be because of the cap I did (might’ve strengthened a connection or something). Anyway the only other thing that gets to me a bit is how little I or the hurt I experience actually affects him. I have been ruined by him and my life will be so different. The way I perceive love and marriage and trust and men. I don’t know how I could ever let anyone in like that again because if he could change then who couldn’t? Besides this I feel like I’m actually starting to learn who I am again and what things I like. I know I want to travel but I also really want to continue studying. Arch asked me where I see myself in 10 years and I said doing my surgery specialisation and I actually do see that for myself. Also I met my long time friend today after years of not meeting him and it was fun! I felt happy :) I’m building up motivation for University again and I started my meds yesterday (I forgot to have one today but anyway). Going back to Sydney for a week and then coming back for the wedding. I’m so excited but I have to learn all the dances. I argued with my Aunty and my mum today because they think parenting is limited to keeping a kid alive and providing basic necessities like food, water and shelter. How barbaric lol. I’m gonna study anatomy for an hour or so and then try to read a book (probably will end up on my phone). Also this is real corny but cigarettes after sex is actually … good. I started listening to them (it?group?individual person?) because Rachel posted a screenshot of a song. It’s really only up from here lmao. Oh last thing I realised the two most important things in life are being kind and respecting yourself. I think everything revolves around those two things. Oh also what is it with dudes and ignoring their issues by using women to fill up their time, like mate focus on yourself ……. Why would you want to spend all your energy on another person when you’re crooked? Anyway bye! Write in ages probably

I bought the damn vinyl

[para-ix4]

10/6/2021

For first time ever I’m properly questioning whether I want to do medicine or not. I’ve lost all my motivation to study and it’s so hard to keep up with it all. Gonna miss both my exams tomorrow and say I got food poisoning or something. Most of my grades are really good but I just can’t or don’t have the mental capacity for any of it anymore. Gonna use the next month to get better with my meds and exercise and everything to build my motivation again. It got totally ruined and now I don’t want to do anything but sleep all day or lay in bed all day and watch things on my phone. I bought a bunch of books and I really want to read again. That’s literally all I actually want to do, not exams or learn about human biology, just read dumb little books on things that don’t matter. Fuck it’s so fucking hard. Also need to stop swearing so much I think.

[para-ix4]

home looked so different in the heat of the summer

[para-ix4]

day 37 (16/11): it’s been okay and I’ve been happier during the day (we still talk) but he doesn’t want to be with me in the future. I like don’t know how to take it though because it’s not set obviously but I just can’t look forward to the possibility of us again. How does he know what he’ll want in the future I guess. Idk he is changing more and more every day, and sometimes it truly feels like he doesn’t want to be with me ever again. I feel like I keep fucking up though and I keep thinking about all the lies I’ve ever told anyone. I have an exam tomorrow. Also he bought me a rose and I broke it because it wouldn’t fit in my bag and it’s wilting already. I cant stop thinking about how eventually we will stop talking and he will eventually move on to other people. It breaks my fucking heart. I also don’t know who I am at all or what my identity is but I’m hoping reading and spending time with my self will show me something I guess. I don’t know and also I’ve been writing in my journal more so that’s why I haven’t posted here in a while

[para-ix4]

day 18 (28/10): on a bud to Dandenong station right now and I just realised how I don’t really talk to anyone anymore. He really was like my best friend too, I used to tell him everything. I find myself on this bus after fucking up my route to work and I have no one to tell. Thinking about it now this is how it was before him though. I just have to get more used to it I guess. I texted him last night because his story was worrying and he told me he quit his job and that we aren’t supposed to be talking. It didn’t really feel like I was talking to him anyway to be honest. I don’t know if I’m supposed to move on from him or not. I just know I have to be more comfortable with being alone. It’s getting a little easier but I cried a lot last night after he said he didn’t want to talk. I don’t know everything is strange still. I woke up super late this morning around 11:40 or so and I slept around 1 last night which is pretty good! I had a shower an hour ago and my hair is still pretty wet. I need to do homework when I get home and I also need to get my brows done. I’m cutting my hair short this weekend but I think my face is too fat for a short haircut tbh. Trying to lose weight is so fucking hard and exhausting and I don’t think I’ll be able to do it. I should’ve checked the route to work before I left home. Work is getting better and I’m becoming friends with people from there. I really miss talking to him about stuff that doesn’t really matter like telling him about the route situation. It’s okay. I have to fix the playlist I made him too I deleted so many songs from it the other day because I realised I wasn’t really putting songs I thought he would like it was more like I was putting songs that I wanted him to like. I really have to try have a calorie deficient, maybe I’ll start saxenda again. It’s not like I eat much in a day anyways though. I think he wants to explore his options in terms of women but he hasn’t actually come to terms with that himself. I don’t know though and I know there’s no point wasting energy on it trying to figure that out. He’s his own person I guess, and it shouldn’t or shouldn’t have ever been in my control or something. I really need to study. I also need to start like actively writing down my problems and try to see another perspective on them. I know I’m worth something you know and I know I’m worth love I just don’t understand why I cant actually believe it. Anyways bye! I’ll write in a few days. M

[para-ix4]

day 14 (24/10): the last two days were so fucking incredible and intense and everything. Friday felt like a dream, everything went so well and it felt like I was meeting someone new. He was still the same but it felt different. The love I have for him has changed a little, in a way where I love him like I know he is my future everything and that I’ll be with him again, but differnt in a way that I don’t want to be with him right now. Last night was so. I don’t know even know how to describe it other than it being intense. We laughed and cried and slept in each other’s arms and drank so much. It felt insane. It felt so insane. I wish we were stuck in that moment though. Saying goodbye to him today felt like my heart got ripped out. But I know it’s for good and it was meant to happen. I just wish it didn’t have to, why is my life so much more complicated than those around me. We called to say a goodbye and we haven’t spoken, and won’t for a whole week. It feels so fucking weird I have so much I want to tell him already that I have no one else to tell to. I got my car today and me and apr had a massive fight last night. It’s okay now though but I fucked up so hard. I miss him so much already but it’s weird because I know it’s not the end. It won’t be.

really good soup

[para-ix4]

day 7 (19/10): today was okay, we don’t talk as much as we used to but it’s been okay, I feel pretty dull but work is getting better. Today was really productive though I woke up and had a shower which made me feel better. Idk today was a bit weird though is all.

[para-ix4]

day 6 (18/10): he’s still the same person I fell in love with, the last few days he was pretending to be someone so evil so that I would leave him like everyone else. He deserves so much more than he thinks he does, and I wish he could see that. He is so much more than his mistakes, and he is so much more than the reasons he holds that make him hate himself. We talked and went for a walk over the phone today, I want to love my life out with him and he feels the same. But we both need to grow individually first, and we need the space to do that. After next week I’ll be all alone and I’m fretting it so much. It’ll be so hard :( but in the end the outcome will be so plentiful and worth the sadness. I cleaned out my cupboard finally, and I sold some more stuff on depop! I’m realising I’ve always been more of a replier than someone who initiates conversations until I met him. I found someone I could finally tell everything to. And I love him.

[para-ix4]

day 3 (15/10): so today was really hard and dull. Nano always said the weather sometimes showed how you feel inside and I still thinks that true. It rained really hard all today and it was so grey outside. I have no motivation at all to do anything but I got a new psych referral. Everything reminds me of him but I think he’s changing. No exchanges of goodnights but I left a bunch of messages because he slept first I guess. I don’t know. I really want to go to Berwick springs and make that a spot I go to often I guess. I also want to do the things we never did like the clay making and bracelet making and painting. Everyone else in my life is kinda distant and I’m realising how much I kinda stopped talking to people. All the older people are only really nice or taking care of me because they think I’m crazily suicidal. Idk though. Today was strange

[para-ix4]

day 1 (11/10)(again): this is the end of us. for real this time I suppose. This hurts so much more than the last time because this time it actually feels true. He doesn’t love me anymore though I guess that’s the difference. He’s changed a lot too it’s as if he’s this new cold person that doesn’t want anything to do with me. “I don’t want to be with you ever”. My heart feels like it’s stopped and my soul feels like it’s shattered. This is literally the end. I did end up getting a job by the way, and today I finally got keys and closed the place up. I make a lot of money there and I’m also getting a new car soon. I wish I had my diary to write in. I guess in someway I wanted this too, I was just afraid to do it myself is all. I still want to be in his life or for him to be in mine a little I guess. As friends? Maybe. The future is weird now and it’s almost as if there’s nothing there for me anymore. Except there are a few things like the wedding and watching my little brother grow taller than my older one and watching my best friends have ugly kids. I’m changing my room up as well. It’ll be crazy not being able to show S what it’ll look like in the end. I’ll try to leave to Sydney earlier too now I guess. There really is nothing left for me here. Also it seems as if the divorce is finally happening but then again it’s seemed like that a million times before. but anyways, finding motivation was already hard to do so before this and now it’s ten fold as hard. Hope I used that saying right. Anyways, we r going to have a little picnic tomorrow as our final goodbye I guess. That will be very painful. It isn’t too surprising though everyone eventually falls out of love with me. They always say it’s not you I promise but how can that be when it’s happened this many times. For now I’m going to think of all the good memories, the ones that made me want to keep living and the ones I was going to tell our kids about. It’ll be okay eventually, I know that. But it’s quite hard now too be very honest with you.

[para-ix4]

day 7: so much has changed in this past weekend, our entire mindsets about it all and the motivation and love has increased so much I feel so warm. I’m hoping it’s all real though, some part of me is thinking that it’ll all go back to how it was again. The original plan went out the window but we still plan on working on ourselves by ourselves! But also with each other : ) which I think is much much better. we did something today we’ve never done before and I think it deepened our connection so much. Anyways I’m behind on uni work & I need 2 pull my head in. Also applied for a ton of jobs, hoping I get one with late shifts.

[para-ix4]

Day 4, today was okay I listened to Mitski heaps and I liked this song by her called liquid smooth- I’ve never related more to a song in my life. I took photos today and they were average and Okay. But it’s alright I still have so much time. Bhai told me this thing about how the only thing we have in life is time, and how the regret we feel at our deathbeds will be more painful then the hard decisions we make earlier before that. I don’t know if that makes sense, but if this fails then I know I’ll feel that pain. We are the gap in the clouds where the sunshine beams down, and we are the warmth it gives to those on benches beneath it.

[para-ix4]

day 3, postponed the last meeting (covid stuff) which is okay and I think we aren’t doing much harm by doing so. I didn’t take any photos today really but today’s been really hard and quite upsetting. I felt really at home with him, and it filled this empty gap I had when I was actually at home. I don’t know but it was exciting to be involved in someone else’s family, I thought about all the future scenarios that I once made up (like the christmases and the easters and the birthdays) that wouldn’t happen anymore. I bought a lot of stuff today so that future me would receive the packages and feel a little bit better. Going to get my second vax tomorrow so that’s exciting, it gives me the opportunity to take photos of stuff I guess.

[para-ix4]

day 2, hard but we talked heaps today and it was lovely. Tomorrow’s the last day though for a while, it sucks heaps and I’m still unsure if this is the right way to do things but I know none of it are false promises. To think about the future without one another makes me feel the same pain as I imagine being run over 1000 times by the same car feels like. But anyways, I actually ate a lot today to try and compensate for yesterday. My exam went alright to be honest not the greatest but that’s okay! I tried as hard as I could have. meeting tomorrow at the park bench and I’m dreading it so hard. We never got to watch the twilight movies and I hope we finish them someday. I made a list of movies and books and stuff I’m gonna read and watch. Also working out will probably start a week from now or so (I’m hoping). I also opened up my old iPod :p found so many cute photos and things. I don’t think little me thought I’d be where I am right now, in a good way that is, I wish I could tell her it does get easier and her life will get so colourful for a while. And that being in love is possible.

[para-ix4]

day 1 was hard, I had no motivation to do anything and everything is very grey. It’ll probably be like this for a while though so I’m hoping I get used to how everything won’t be colourful anymore. I got paid today so :) woo and I drank tea after I came home from work. We are watching twilight now and we came up with a really cool plan : ) I hope it works out