pandemicspring

[pandemicspring]

Here we are on our 2nd Christmas eve. I tested positive for covid today. I got it after I traveled to Kalamazoo for a few days to visit my family. It’s most likely the omicron variant which is now sweeping the country. Highly contagious, but lucky for me, much more mild. I’ve had my 3 shots. I got my booster on Dec 11th so being sick is kind of just having a cold. It’s so unusual to have a cold these days. I knew when my nose kept running that I had to take an at home test. I was shocked by how quickly it came up positive. The tests always say it takes 15 minutes to get results, but when I saw it, it took only 2 maybe 3. The rest of my family is okay. I had one cousin get sick, but she’s feeling better after a couple days. From what I understand at this point it’s gone around my family a couple times and they have high levels of immunity.

The bad part is that means my brother won’t be able to work at his job during christmas break. He doesn’t have symptoms yet, but he’s definitely been exposed since he’s living with me. That is my fault. It was not so urgent for me to visit our family.

I remember when everything began, we used to say that eventually everyone will get it and that our precautions are just to slow the speed so that we don’t overwhelm the hospitals. But now the hospitals are overwhelmed and also everyone is getting it. There was a long long time when no one I knew was getting sick. Then starting with thanksgiving, I began to hear of one friend after another. My brother and I have agreed that we need to go back into taking it easy. Only going out for school and work. No more gathering. I feel so glad that I have practice and experience and that this year I can be a good quarantine buddy for him. This year I know all the ways not to go crazy.

The united states surpassed 800,000 deaths the other day. Thats 4x the original amount that was predicted when we could hardly even see how 200,000 would happen. Now it doesn’t seem surprising. There’s mask laws here in Madison, but in Michigan people didn’t hardly wear them at all.

I came to the realization recently that I can drop out of grad school. And to the realization that my decision to come here was largely driven out of fear..like most of my decisions from last fall/winter. These realizations have been very good for me. I’m happy to have been brought here to Madison. Now especially I’ll be happy when I make my new life here.

2nd christmas just me and one other person in our apartment. We didn’t buy groceries because the original plan before I tested positive was for my mom to get them when she drove here, but now she’s not coming. I do have a banana plant with an ornament on it as a christmas tree. underneath it I put a bag with a bow willed with presents for my brother. He got me something too. I’m excited to share those things.

I don’t know what the future will bring now. Im sending the best into 2022.

edit: i spent some tome reading my past blog posts. i had forgotten how seriously responsible and stressed i felt about locking down properly for most of this. Sooo much has changed in the past 2 years and also, much has changed since we’ve spent nearly 8months with widespread vaccines. Also, a lot hasnt changed. Can’t let the case load mean less because we’re going into year 3. I had become very careless. Got to remember that this is life now. It’s not going away.

Especially I feel embarrassed thinking about how hard we used to judge people that were traveling and being irresponsible. Past me would judge present me. Past me stays judging present me because in these times of the pandemic, I’ve broken so many of my values and the things I used to think I would never do. I’m getting back to them now, but i do take the greatest shame.

#good morning

[pandemicspring]

It’s been a long time since I’ve written, but it’s still a pandemic. It’s almost applicable again for this blog to be called “Pandemic Spring” because we’ve almost reached the third spring. Almost 2 years.
A lot has changed since the last time I wrote. Since July 2021 I live in Madison, Wisconsin with my 16 year old brother and our cat. Perhaps this contributes to my feeling *aged*. We both go to school in person and it’s the law to wear masks inside. For a bit of time in July and August it wasn’t law anymore, but then the third wave came and the law was reinstated. Currently Wisconsin is averaging 2,369 positive tests a day. Somehow that means less to me these days. 94.4% of my school is vaccinated. They’re beginning to do booster shots now. A lot of places of employment have vaccine mandates. Outside of school, we socialize casually. I included the pictures above because we did attend Halloween parties. My school is only averaging about 5 positive cases a day. 
Even though many people socialize casually now, it’s clear things will never return to how they used to be. Conversations still frequently turn to the pandemic and everybody has their story of where they were when things first got bad. So much has changed, but I think it will be a long time before a part of so many of us isn’t stuck behind. Many people have shared that it’s hard to make sense of things. Most people I know are beginning their first year of grad school, but the year (or two for those that deferred) since they applied has been so blurry that they no longer understand how they got here. I feel that too. Relations in social spheres are awkward. At large gatherings such as those held by the genetics department, people hardly know each other because they haven’t gathered publicly in almost 2 years. 
I feel like a different person, emotionally and physically. All of a sudden I have 6 new piercings, a tattoo, and my hair has thinned considerably. Many people agree with me that after so long of being home, it feels so tiring to be out all day. After having spent so long with connections being so extremely limited, I’m only just beginning to re-understand casual relations. It’s hard to have an intuitive sense of where to form attachments anymore. For ex. I’m rotating in different labs for my first semester. After spending every day with the folks in my first lab, it felt so scary to leave them- so hard to understand that we might see each other again one day and if not, everyone would be okay. It was easier to leave my second lab which makes me feel like we’re starting to get a grip on things. During my second rotation was the first time in so long that I felt socially satiated. All of a sudden, I wanted to eat lunch alone even though company was offered to me. I liked that feeling. It helped me remember that there was a me before the pandemic that wasn’t so crazy. 
Also, strange to be expected to be in buildings all day. Had to change my research plans from stem cells to plants because I learned that I can no longer stand being inside all day. 
Supply chain shortages are still hard felt. It was hard to get furniture for my apartment because things like wood are so short in supply. Food is more expensive everywhere. Gas is running like 3.50 a gallon. My brother got a job super easily at Chipotle making 13.50 an hour because so many people aren’t working. For most, it’s not work the risk and struggle for wages that aren’t enough to live by. 
It’s common to plan events and meetings through video chat still. Useful skill for everybody to have picked up I suppose. 
To catch you all up a bit, we did have graduation in person. It was strange and uncomfortable. Cases dipped so low in the summer that we almost believed things might be close to ending…but of course that’s never possible while vaccines are limited internationally. 
I don’t know what to say anymore. Will check in again sooner rather than later. Sending the best for everybody.

#good morning

[pandemicspring]

I got my second dose of the vaccine today. All weekend I’ve been volunteering at the drive through clinic they set up and today when they found out my second dose is coming up they said they could do it right then. My EMT homie who be at every vaccine clinic event did it for me and luckily he does it really well because I saw it hurt when it was done by all these folks that aren’t used to doing shots. I have two vaccine cards now because I didn’t expect to need my original today and I didn’t have it.

Vaccines have been ramping up at a super fast pace. In Kalamazoo county we’re at 45% of adults have at least 1 dose done. In Michigan, 20.11% of the whole documented population has both done. I can check that on Michigan Covid Alert app and on the Michigan vaccine dashboard website.

However, Michigan is also at the fastest growing case rate right now. Somehow we’re running at 7-day average of 7,335. They say right now it’s most spread among kids, teenagers, and young people that havent got the vaccine yet since so many jobs and the schools have been opening recently. They say it’s growing so quickly because of the more contagious variants that are around. I’m not sure how worried I should be. My abuelo is vaccinated. Gotta worry about getting my mom and siblings vaccinated now.

We’ll see how things go. Megan and I (my current housemate) are going to Arizona from the 26th-May 7th. My mom and siblings are traveling for a weekend there too. They say it’s not much of a risk factor for fully vaccinated people to be traveling.

#good morning

[pandemicspring]

Things got really bad into December. The US peaked into January at a 7 day average of 253,000 new cases a day. For over a month now we've been riding a wave of deaths of over 3,000 a day. Michigan peaked at 7,000 cases a day and 128 deaths a day.

The vaccines are on the move. Slowly, but it is happening. In michigan they approximate that around 6% of adults have received both doses of the vaccine. There's been around 1.8 million doses delivered total. I read today that they've covered around 35% of people over 65.

Our school did open for winter quarter. They've had 26 cases total, but those were all in the first few weeks so I suppose things are going okay. I haven't been back to my Presidents Student Ambassador meetings ever since I talked to the president about how terrible and lonely everything is and that we're deep in a pandemic and he just thanked us for trucking along. I don't want to go anymore.

I really miss seeing people. Things have gotten difficult in our house in the ways that you would expect when 4 people only see each other for 7 weeks. We can go on masked walks with other people, but that's only true so long as people are willing to go out into the cold. Have I mentioned it's cold now? February cold in the single digits and there's like over 2 feet of snow outside. I have a pair of snow pants and some boots though and I use those to go walking still. I found the boots in the trash last summer when we were helping move people out of their dorms.

I miss my family the most. My 15 year old little brother is missing social life but is actually doing really well in online school. Pretty much everybody in my family is done with any type of covid safe measures they might have one point adopted. It's been really hard not seeing them at all because they don't go out in the cold. I only see them very briefly if they drop things off.

I've been doing online grad school interviews. I don't have any hope of returning to in person schooling before I finish undergrad, but I suppose grad school might be in person next year. I got into the UW-Madison Genetics program. I did a good job on my interview. I put a sheet up on the wall behind me and wore a white button up and black tie. Sweatpants because nobody could see my pants. It was cold in my room to be zooming up here for hours at a time. A housemate and I visited Madison Wisconsin anyways by renting a car and an air bnb and walking around for a few days and that was nice. We'd originally planned a much larger road trip for December but had to cancel because covid got so bad.

I'm doing my SIP this quarter but in all honesty, this is the quarter when I've wanted to die the most since probably my freshman year of college. I just wake up and I don't want to be alive every day. That's made it really hard to complete my school work. We know how to cope though. Just a little more difficult in these times. I don't mean to be ungrateful. I know I'm so beyond blessed to be alive and have a safe place to live. I've just been sad.

There's been talk about opening our house up to another house that's equally covid safe. but honestly, I don't trust any other whole house and also I don't feel ready to socialize with people. I just don't. I feel afraid. It might be a trauma response from this whole pandemic thing, it might be justified. idk. it doesn't matter. it just is.

I had my birthday finally on February 8th. The last of us to have my birthday in quarantine. The first of us to turn 22. It was funny because I usually have a huge party for my birthday. My friends put a lot of effort into making it beautiful though and it was. The superbowl was the day before and though we wouldn't have watched it any other year, we did this year because at this point what else is there to do. There was a lot of stupid commercials about how essential workers are heros. it doesn't make sense.

The first relief check arrived last April. The second I got in January I think. The first was $2000 the second was $600. Works fine enough for me but I know there's so many people who don't have what they need. Texas froze and there’s people dying because they have no heat or electricity. The government hasn’t been trying to even mask that they care for a long time. My sister called me the other day to tell me we have to be prepared because soon enough things will get bad here too. That’s true. What’s also true is that I’m tired. so tired and this is all so stupid. 

#good morning

[pandemicspring]

To put it numbers wise, yesterday the US tested in 139,000 positive cases. We broke 100,000 maybe last week or the one before it. They predict we’ll be at 200,000 soon enough. 

Here in Kalamazoo county that’s 100-200 new cases a day. That’s a lot for our small town of 76,000. They just announced all trials in the court will be adjourned until 2021. They just scaled back contact tracing because they’re not able to keep up. Record number of cases in the hospitals and the issue isn’t running out of beds, it’s running out of nurses.

Pfizer, which is from Kalamazoo, announced a vaccine of 90% effectiveness recently. It works through giving your cells mRNA that codes for a protein mimicking the virus’ spike. Pretty novel idea, but we’re still months from any type of distribution. I say any type because the US just doesn’t have the capacity. I read a newspaper article about possibly having the military deliver it, but c’mon now. I also saw an article about how dangerous it is for a big private company like Pfizer to be in control of the vaccine. I don’t imagine it will be available for free. 

It’s mid 9th week of Fall quarter for our school. I talked to my friend some days ago and we both felt that we in our minds we haven’t been able to stop living at the end of last winter/early spring. I return there often as the last checkpoint before things were crazy. 

Our other friend just moved back into our apartment at the expense of leaving her own room at hers. Her housemates are refusing to be covid safe and she can’t focus with everyday having to risk it. I’m glad that at least our house is able to be safe.

The election went fine. I’m very proud of my friends who did so much organizing for the case that it wouldn’t. 

Our school hasn’t yet rescinded the announcement that they’ll be open this winter. I know they won’t be though. I hate to have my senior year this way. It’s overwhelmingly sad to me. My friend is going to graduate early. What’s the point of staying for spring? I guess this is the way things go. 

There’s no plan to fix it. Bernie has a 100 day solution, my friend tells me. .. . Ready to implement in the first 100 days of Biden’s administration. But that’s in January so. Things are really hard and I’m tired and classes and the SIP get in the way of the good time I’m trying to have anyways.

#good morning

[pandemicspring]

Halloween

Kalamazoo, Michigan, and the United States in general are the worst they’ve ever been. I’m not seeing my family anymore because my mom, myself, and my extended family we’ve all had covid scares. Things are really bad here. 

Tomorrow is Halloween. Sunday our housemate goes back to Mexico. Our school is closed. Probably for a long time. 

Tonight we went walking. We went and played with the fallen leaves in the graveyard. Then we were walking home and we saw a car drive to fast where Kalamazoo ave turns into Douglas turns into West Main and they ended up crashing and flipping. We called 911 but I felt bad after that. The police showed up long before the ambulance. Two cars came quickly after the car that flipped, took out the two girls, and left with them. They got away before the police noticed. The police weren’t wearing masks. Neither were the people that came out of the house they crashed in front of, nor all the people that hopped out of cars now that I think about it. 

Coming home we noticed the houses with trump flags. In some cases their flags had been taken. 

It’s cold outside. My mom doesn’t want to do Halloween in scary masks in the graveyard anymore bc it’s too cold. It feels sad because I miss her and the rest of my family a lot. I miss seeing people outside, but now many don’t want to be because it’s cold. It’s too dangerous to be inside. Last month or so my mom went to a wedding where 29 people got sick. Our family friend that she had went with got sick. He almost died and now he has to be in the hospital for 4 more weeks.

I woke up with a sore throat some days ago. It came on the same day one of our friends told us they tested positive. My housemate and I got tested though and we both tested negative. It was a better experience getting tested at my school’s health center than WMed. 

Life is crazy really. The election is on Tuesday and I don’t know how things will be. We don’t see things getting better pandemic wise until at least 2023. I hope they do some day though.

#good morning

[pandemicspring]

On July 20th, my dad’s birthday, I allowed my family to eat Inside the Olive Garden as a way of keeping the peace so we could just do some type of dinner together. Otherwise everything was going to fall apart. That’s the only time I’ve been inside of a restaurant since March. For both of my siblings’ birthdays on the 6th and 21st of August, we got takeout and ate it at either mine or my mom’s house. My extended family has been inside of restaurants. They’ve even gone to Michigan’s adventures. I feel that we’ve been lucky none of us has gotten sick.

About a month ago I did get my hair cut at a Sports Clips. We were nervous, but I wore a mask the whole time. I’ve also taken my little sibling to get their hair cut. I was glad to be able to get a trim, but for the most part I’m still growing it longer.

summer has been passing. Once a week or twice a week ever since June I’ve had the kids for a day. I’ve only missed one week. It’s been awesome to get to spend so much time with them. They’ve gotten used to the hoop house and been to the arboretum. One time I did take them to Airway Lanes because my tias gave us money and told them that’s where we were going, but for the most part I try not to take them out in public. It’s too much work making sure they stay distanced and masked because they’re only 6. I did take one to a bookstore today. He was very well behaved and stayed masked the entire time.

I went to Amy Newday’s farm once a week for about 5-6 weeks. This to me was the greatest risk I was taking because even though we did our best social distancing for the most part, when we ate we sat at tables together and didn’t wear masks. It was really nice to be going to the farm. Any time I’ve had a sick scare though, my biggest fear is having to tell Amy Newday and the farm crew.

My housemate Vivian and I have been working at the arboretum 3 times a week since mid-July. This is possible because I’ve had my mom’s truck all summer. One week, we had to miss a whole week of work because our other coworker had an ex-housemate test positive. He couldn’t go to work until he tested negative twice and it was up in the air whether he had infected the reset of us. Sara Stockwood had to go and sanitize everything. Honestly, before then, I hadn’t been being as careful with him as I should have been. Luckily he tested negative, but for a minute there it was really scary.

I did get tested last week. It wasn’t as bad as everybody said it was going to be. It did hurt, but a couple weeks ago I was laughing while eating a sandwhich and accidentally ended up breathing chewed up sandwich into my sinuses and that was more painful. I got from my car at my family doctor. They stuck the big Q-tip up just my left nostril. I haven’t gotten the results to the test back even though I got tested on Tuesday and they said I’d have results by Thursday. Tomorrow is already Sunday. I would have gotten a same day rapid test at Western, but since they’re moving people in they’ve reserved testing slots for only their students. I was calling for testing because there was about a week when both Anna (my sibling) and I were having chest pains.

KPS announced their plan to be online for the fall a couple weeks ago. K announced the decision to be completely online just a couple days ago. I’m going to try to do some homeschooling with my kiddos for a few hours about twice a week. I’m kind of ready to be homeschooling myself too I guess. Based on how things were in early July I was hoping we’d be able to return to school this fall, but those that are are already closing as they’ve been having huge outbreaks. It’s okay. I did most of my mourning in March/April/May. Many people are upset because they had signed leases, planned to come to Kalamazoo, are losing their jobs, or don’t want to pay the same tuition for online programming. I’m upset with them and wish things weren’t how they are, but those same problems don’t affect me because I live in Kalamazoo full time. I don’t pay tuition and in fall I’ll be getting the largest refund I’ve ever gotten. $2800. They put a bunch of desk chairs outside while they were preparing to social distance classrooms. I stole 3 of them for me and my housemates.

I’ve been receiving unemployment since July and that also really helped to relieve my financial struggles. For a few weeks now PUA is over, but it was helpful while it was a thing. I attended a protest at Fred Upton’s house about PUA extension and spoke as a representative and was videod on 3 different news stations. My mom was receiving unemployment as well, but luckily she got a new job right as PUA ended. I’m happy for her because even though she’s not making as much money as she was, her new job at LA insurance treats her much better and opens her up for new opportunities.

I am still a bit sad that my fellowships got cancelled, but mostly because now I can’t put it on my resume that I won one. It would have looked good to grad schools. I’ve been looking for programs and am hoping to be able to attend. That’s the sad thing about my research being cancelled too. Last week I got an email from my PI that we can resume research, but I haven’t heard from her since. I really want to get into grad school and I hope that when it’s time I can attend in person. I’m also sad that the IC probably won’t be running the grad school group for first gen students : /. I’ve been waiting to be a part of it since my first year and thought it would be really helpful.

My fall responsibilities: my 3 classes:

Communities and Schools - Dr. Espelencia Baptiste Advanced Molecular Genetics - Dr. Jim Langeland Research for Social Change - Dr. Adriana Garriga-Lopez

Being TA for:: The Hands That Feed us - Dr. Amelia Katanski Evolution and Genetics - Dr. Michael Wollenberg

Co-running the online composting class Applying to grad schools Spending time with my little ones

I feel more ready for than I felt at all ready for spring. There’s a lot to do, but I think things are going to be okay. I really do. Because of the pandemic, I even get to take the GRE online! I wasn’t going to take it at all, but because of Prof. Garriga Lopez and Francisco Villegas, I’m thinking it’s a good idea.

One unfortunate thing is that one of my best friends is 37 weeks pregnant and I havent been able to be with her during her pregnancy and wont be able to see the baby. It’s been in a word: pretty heartbreaking.

I don’t know how the future will be! Will keep you updated.

#good morning

[pandemicspring]

I keep writing these blogs in my head and being too lazy to write them here. It’s been a month, I know, but a month ago is about the point in the pandemic when interacting with screens became unbearable to me.

We’re still in the pandemic and the graph of the United states is doing really bad, but all of the states are opening up. Today we went on a road trip to Indiana and then to New Buffalo Michigan and my family was the only one wearing masks while we walked by people crowded in lines for restuarants or going to the beach. Because of all the unmasked people who aren’t social distancing, Im pretty stern about masks with my family when we go out.

The pandemic feels like it’s brought my family closer. It’s been good for my dad’s business and with my mom having lost her job, she has so much more time. She’s come on walks with me the past 2 days. It’s been really nice. I also have been spending time with my little cousins and siblings a couple times a week since I dont have my job either.

I applied for unemployment and I got it. That is one thing. Might have preferred my fellowship, but the financial relief provided by the government in these times has been enough for me.

In kalamazoo with our friends, we’re pretty much done social distancing. We’ve entered each others’ houses and even used the empty campus to organize a slip and slide. twice. those things are so fun really. It feels nice to be friends again in that way. It doesnt feel dangerous except just a bit still. Sometimes it still feels weird getting close to people.

The ‘official’ pandemic where everythings closed has ended quickly. my housemate has to return to the office next week when we previously thought he’d be home all summer. Our other new housemate came from california 3 weeks ago and we werent even all that scared to accept them so quickly. That was right after the protests anyways, and the protests were kind of the tipping point for the fear we felt abt the virus. if we risked it and didnt get sick then, then what else is possible?

Protests have continued all over the country. I hope they continue. It feels like we’re getting closer to real change.

I believe we’re going to be in school in the fall. some type of hybrid thing i suppose. but also, the way the graphs are looking, maybe not. unfortunately. But we’ll see.

i wonder if i’ll get called to the lab before the summers over. at this point I kind of hope not. I’ve gotten good at studying and spending my time constructively. Im not interested in having my time mandated right now. It feels so good to have so much free time. but we’ll see.

Im now in charge of the student food pantry. Also working for the mutual aid page. Trying to make sure we’re actually meeting peoples needs. It doesnt get a lot of engagement, but when it does, it’s worth it even to care for one person.

I have to vacuum. Theres tiny ants on the carpet. this is a problem. goodbye.

#story of a boy

[pandemicspring]

Today is memorial day which is usually a day that means a lot to me. I don’t know much about the actual holiday, but I know that I’ve always loved marching with the drumline in the parade. It marks that we’re officially in warm times and everyone’s outside having a good time. In these times it’s a little different. There’s no parade and it’s not good to see friends and family, but it’s okay. It still does mark the coming of warm times. 

Some of the days we’ve been living is how I think life should be forever. It feels good to ride bikes, to wake up in the morning and clean the house, to cook and have a picnic. It feels good to watch movies and to spend time thinking about things I’ve never thought about before. Play the music really loud in your house and have a concert with the people around you. 

I’m thinking now that our school will be open in the fall. We’ll see how that goes and what it looks like. It’s really kind of a mystery to me. 

Michigan only had 5 deaths yesterday, but we also know it was a Sunday and numbers drop on Sunday because people are living their best weekend lives. 

I have to write a paper telling the Gates foundation which One biome it should save, but this is crazy to me because 1. you cannot just save one biome. 2. the gates foundation is a huuge polluter because of their ICT data centers and the mining for producing those things. Instead I’m going to write a paper about why this is a misguided route towards conservation efforts.  

#good morning

[pandemicspring]

The weeks are passing more than quickly. So crazily fast. 

We’ve been biking miles and miles out. We’re trying to go the whole KalHaven trail which goes 40 miles from Kalamazoo to South Haven. The other day we went 9 miles out for a total of 18 in the day and today we’re going to try 30. I feel a little nervous, but last time we were in the dark so it will be nice today to be in the light at least. It is a really cool trail all nature and we even found some huge pheasant mushrooms. Reminds me of last spring when the senior composters helped us cut one up and fry it in butter. 

At the same time as things feel more relaxed every day, every day we’re more sure that we won’t be physically at school in the fall. 

We’ve kind of stopped wanting to eat and stopped wanting to cook things. I don’t know what is the deal! Might just be that time of spring. For some reason I don’t know, every spring I experience times when I just don’t want to eat. 

On spring, there’s a mother bird who made a nest under our staircase. A red robin with a perfect round cartoon nest and two blue eggs. She’s really protective. She flies away when you walk the stairs, but she’s stays nearby always watching. Yesterday we were spending some time on the landing and she kept flying away and then flying back onto the stairs and looking at us to make sure we weren’t egg stealers. We’re going to give her a worm gift when her babies hatch. 

Summer is approaching rapidly. We have another roommate come which will be cool. Maybe we should feel a little nervous, since she’s coming through the airport? But maybe it will be okay, and if it’s not, then it was meant to be. Our other other roommate told us he wants to come in the fall even if it’s online. That would be really great because we were supposed to get to live with him this spring but we haven’t been able to yet. 

Many states are opening up and I know here they’re opening restaurants and stuff in the UP. In a socially distant manner. I don’t think that’s the best thing to do because I’ve already read lots of facebook comments of people from southern Michigan that are planning to take regular trips up there. Some people love spreading disease. 

For the first time since I came to college, I don’t have a summer internship. I did, but you know the times. I’m going to try focusing on self study anyways. One of my roommates is already on for working 8 hours a day remotely, so I’ll be embarrassed if the other is also cleared for working remotely and I”m the only one doing nothing. 

I figured out the words during out YDSA meeting last night. In these times, when I’m blessed enough to be able to set my own schedule completely, I’ve been trying hard to use this unique opportunity to listen to the schedule of my body. Trying to get in touch with my monkey brain. Trying to figure what it’s really like to be human if we weren’t rushing from thing to thing everyday. I’m getting closer I think. At first it was really hard to tell when I was tired or hungry or wanted to do x or y. But now I’m able to tell better. 

I’ve started drawing again. Not quite to reading yet but I’m hoping to get there. It’s just that I read and everything leaves me! 

Yesterday a cop car pulled folks over outside of our window two times. Both times we watched to make sure the cop didn’t get on funny shit. He wasn’t wearing a mask even though both times he leaned into the window to speak to people. I imagine random people in their cars weren’t wearing masks either. Some days ago I had to talk to a police. He wasn’t wearing a mask either and also didn’t stand 6 feet away. This is how they spread disease. 

Folks talk about more stimulus checks. I don’t know if that is really a thing but it would be cool. It would make up some for my grants being cancelled this summer. How can they just cancel grants after we all applied for them, by the way? How can they just cancel grants that people hoped to live off of?  

We’ll see how things go. I’ve lost track of the tenants union. We have been working on facilitating mutual aid among our students though which has been successful so far. Everybody feels so burnt out. Me included. I do like watching my eco con lectures now because I get to see so many cool animals. 

That’s all. Time to start the day now. We’ll see how things go. Love everybody.

#Good morning

[pandemicspring]

A Million Wishes To Be Made

Lines are blurry as we enter this new reality.

Not sure when we’re hungry or just bored

not sure what’s appropriate for home and inappropriate for work

not sure when i’m being lazy or just actually at capacity

not sure when i’ve been received well or when I haven’t. 

Many of us are thinking about running for KCCSR. Never saw their importance or really even noticed their existence before now. But we get now that they’re the ones that get to talk to administration and are supposed to relay the message of the student body. Homie says what if KCCSR disbanded and we formed a student union that wasn’t under control of the school instead.

My mom got fired from her job. I told her that God closes doors so they can open for us new ones, but it hurts because the way I see it is that if we weren’t in a pandemic she wouldn’t have been so stressed out about going to work and she wouldn’t have stayed up all night and she wouldn’t have gotten injured in a moped accident and she would have been able to go to work and then she wouldn’t gotten fired. But its really her boss’ loss because she Was going to work for her non-essential job in the middle of a pandemic and she was committed and she was good at what she does. 

It feels like everyone is pretty much done with school. I’m trying not to be, but it just feels so much more challenging than it normally does. Challenging to the degree that I don’t feel at all confident in submitting work. Nothing feels right to me. Don’t know how this is all going to play out. My students still show up to our evgen meetings and it’s so fun because we basically just share fun conversation with each other instead of talking about the actual class. We could talk about the class if they needed to, but I don’t think they’re interested. Last Monday we played “If you could make any scientific invention what would it be and how would it work” and then questioned each other. I really appreciated their participation.

It seems that we’re past the point in the pandemic when everybody begins their email with some variation of ‘hope this finds you well’. I don’t know when that transition happened or how it happened all at once. For some reason it makes me very relieved. 

Registered for classes next fall. Composting. TA position. Presidents student ambassador. It seems weird though to be thinking about these things in the fall when I won’t even attend to what I need to do right now. It’s okay. The fall is a new time. The summer is a new time too. The summer is coming up quickly.

I realize I haven’t exactly maintained this blog in the way that i originally intended, but I appreciate all who have been interested anyways. Con amor, see you next time.

#Good morning

[pandemicspring]

These are the days that my mom reminds me I must thank God for.  Yesterday I woke up and actually did an assignment for eco con while we watched Hey Arnold. Then we read Capital up until our class meeting with the professor and it was really great because it was just like being in regular school hurrying to read before class. I took a nap and then we made ceviche and ate it on tostadas outside on the field by the hoop house. We played music and I danced on the field because it was sunny and shrimp is my favorite. We came inside then and I rested until the YDSA meeting. At the YDSA meeting we took a minute away from organizing and just had a conversation about how capitalism will take advantage of the pandemic and how we can respond to the pandemic as socialists and that was really nice cause I’ve missed just having conversations with my friends. Then I put on my eco con lectures and while I listened I worked on making a clay chess set so I can teach my housemate how to play. We closed out the night with Cowboy Bebop and at night I actually fell asleep and slept through until morning. It’s kind of magical. 

When you walk outside the grass is mowed all over now. That’s because the law allows landscaping work now. My mom has been back at work for a week now too, though I don’t know if that’s legal. Things are changing. Some states are creating plans to re-open. Or they have already re-opened. This to me is crazy because thousands of people are still dying every day. I don’t know how Michigan will roll.

It’s beginning to seem unlikely that school will open up in the fall. That’s okay to me now though because I thought of alternative options and timelines for my senior year with an awesome biology professor. 

My abuela told me that some of the houses she cleans for did offer to pay her even though for most of them she’s not going in. She said she turned them down though because she feels safe enough and she’s not owed that money and they’re not really Rich people. I guess also you can never guess what stipulations will come with money later. 

I actually feel like doing things now. With another person around my social meter is pretty well filled. I’ve had time to rest and be creative and explore as I like. It makes me actually want to do my schoolwork. I’ll try to work on that more today. 

#Good morning

[pandemicspring]

Time is speeding up now and things are moving. 

The Greater Kalamazoo Renters Union I’ve been tuned in on has been finalized and is going to release their demands on May Day. 

Many students have mobilized around having a voice in the distribution of the funds from the CARES act. 

My mom’s boss is demanding that she go back to work tomorrow. I know it’s against the law, but he’s supposedly finding all these workarounds.

In terms of the last 3 things, I gotta read the laws but I feel like I’ve read the laws, but people keep saying things that make me feel confused? It feels like everything is happening quickly and everybody’s confused. I’m in this dilemma where I feel like I want to run away at every step of the way, but I know we gotta just push through it.

Everybody in my family is healthy God Bless. But I realize how much regular problems are magnified during these times. Like, (no judgement) my mom just had to clear her house of bed bugs and THAT was a challenge to juggle. Even something as simple as figuring where to put the cat while the poison is sprayed or as simple as where to sleep becomes so challenging when you normally rely so much on your community, and now it’s so dangerous to. 

My roommate is back and it has been so nice to have a friend around again. It helps a lot with eating and sleeping properly to have another person to balance things with. The pictures today are of 2 meals that we’ve made so far. The weird part is that I thought with him back around things would feel normal, but they don’t. Now I’m on the mission to understand Reality and how the world IS really has shifted. 

We’re going to compost this weekend and I’m excited to take care of that...but my roommate reminded me it will be probably one of the only times this quarter we’ll have to take care of it. Not much is going on these days. Some friends who have a car will transport the dirty buckets to the hose for us. We called a local coffee shop and they agreed that if we drop off a bucket they’ll share their coffee grounds for our compost. I really appreciate it, and the little giggle from the shop manager when I called and said “Hi. I have a strange request.” I appreciate everybody being willing to help out.

School work is rolling along slowwly, but it is happening. Ever since Michigan got our first case I’ve been obsessed with following the numbers, but I’m starting to lose that obsession now. Us sustainability folks had a meeting today and attended a webinar about what the crisis means for working towards sustainability and zero waste on college campuses. It really made me realize that even if we return to campus in the fall, things won’t be how they used to be. 

We’ve been bike riding a little. It’s been nice because I haven’t since I was in high school and it’s making me realize that I don’t just feel anxiety in cars, I feel it for the road and for uncontrolled movement in general- but it’s also been helping me overcome it. There’s a lot less cars on the road in these days. It’s nice to have time to bike around when we want to. I saw those mushrooms on our bike ride. 

People are still protesting. People are still protesting and though the numbers are on decline, I’m believing less and less that we’re going to do school in the fall. That’s a problem for another day I suppose.

Thank all who tuned in and for being together with me in this time. Con amor, Angel Banuelos

#Good morning

[pandemicspring]

Sunny Days

This weekend has been better.  Friday morning we dropped my mom off at the airport and that was a super stressful time. A really hard day because we had to leave at 6am and I didn’t hardly sleep that night. Going from Grand Rapids to Chicago, she and my sister said there were 7 people on their plane. Going from Chicago to Arizona there were 12. I know it’s a dangerous time to travel, but I am thinking I’m ultimately glad she went. It was her birthday weekend and it’s been 7 years since she saw her family. It was her first time seeing them since she’s been healthy. Every time I talk to her she’s with her mom or siblings talking. Her and my sister drove out to the Dessert to take pictures. Her family made a huge dinner for her birthday and they all took pictures together. It’s been magical to see because I just want her to live her happiest life and I know I could never be happy without a full relationship with my family. 

Her being gone has meant that I see my dad a little more frequently. I still don’t know how to talk to him, but he offers a different viewpoint on the happenings than anyone else I know. He believes like me that we can’t trust the government, that they take billions while giving us peanuts, but he has actual methods of preparing for disaster. I’ll leave that to him for our family. “The economy will be fine.” He says, because the pandemic has been good for his business. Except he says that he’s been having to figure supply problems because there’s tighter controls on the borders. 

My mom left me the truck so I went and picked up my young one yesterday. It’s less stressful going to the house right now with my mom and sister gone because my sibling doesn’t go outside. They were in a good mood and we treated each other nicely. My tia made some ribs and gave them to us and then we went to Lees and picked up some sides and had a meal!! Then we came back to my apartment and watched rugrats and gave each other massages and then watched Chopped and they fell asleep. I was really happy about it because we haven’t spent chill time together in a long time. When they were younger I used to be able to have them on campus with me all the time, but working with a 14 year old is more difficult!! They laughed in the car while we waited in line for Lees. “Man, your generation doesn’t understand how depressed my generation is.” I laughed back, astonished at that type of statement. “What bro! My generation was the original depressed kids.” We agreed that the way things are now offers no future to us. They didn’t seem convinced when I was telling them we can build a new world, but maybe in time they’ll get there.  I’m normally a person that has a lot of anxiety around driving. It was easier with less cars on the road though. My tia works for Kalamazoo’s emergency response coordination team. It was nice to see her, to talk to another person in my family that feels as stressed about the virus as I do. She says she wants me to tutor my little cousins. I’m totally down! I just need her to make the arrangements of getting us all in a time and place because that’s the part I struggle with. I had a cousin get out of jail on the 14th. My other tia was really glad because she felt so stressed of him being in there with the virus. While I support him and everyone getting out, I did feel a little nervous because he can sometimes bring a lot of violence around. Since he’s been out though, my cousin has posted some cute pictures on FB of him caring for his new nephew though. I like that a lot.

There’s a mismatch between the numbers for the state of Michigan (which are dropping consistently) and what I know the numbers would be if there was more testing. That mismatch is hard to configure in my head and heart because I’m so happy the numbers are dropping, but I know I shouldn’t be so happy. I guess, if anything, it’s good that the hospitals are having more capacity and aren’t as overwhelmed as they were before. That was the goal, right? It still hurts to see more and more protesters, but it doesn’t hurt as bad as the first day. I know there’s too a lot of people on the good side of things. I still haven’t been doing my school work, but I’ve begun to again take an interest in doing things in general. I watched a video to try to start learning french yesterday since I want to go visit my friend in France when I can. Je m’appele Angel lol. Ca va bien. Il fait beaut. It’s easier now that I know spanish so well, but I feel like also my french must have a mexican accent haha. Anyways, life is getting better. Today I will devote two separate hours to school work. Thanks for tuning in team. 

#good morning

[pandemicspring]

Jumbled Up World

This isnt my most organized or beautiful blog post, but it’s what I have today scrambled like eggs and chopped like chicken.

Ive been spending a lot of time on social media. I miss interacting with people and this is my avenue. On some of my homework I’ve fallen apart over having to manually craft a citation with more than one author, but I easily write 2-3 Facebook essays a day. It’s hard to focus on anything else. Talking to people just feels more relevant and it feels like these discussions are really important to have right now. The whole world is struggling really hard and if it’s not the people who take power after this, disaster capitalism will step in to make life even harder. I have been hearing more from my friends and host family in Cuba, but they’re struggling too without resources. That’s why it’s been all the more important to talk to people.

I’ve been honestly reactive. I’ve been working on managing it, but it’s been challenging because I’m almost always on emotional extremes. Working on being more relaxed and considerate. 

Here in Michigan, the government placed a new, more restrictive executive order. People are citing the limitation of large stores and the restriction on moving between residencies as their reason for doing things like protesting the capital. Blocking roads to hospitals. Congregating in mass without masks or gloves. 

The 2 summer grants I applied to for research this summer have been cancelled and suspended. It’s frustrating because I did unpaid research the past 2 summers and I was looking forward to having money. I feel like since they already set the money aside they could have distributed it anyways... If I get to do research. I really hope summer is okay. I’ve been looking forward to my two new housemates, but I don’t know that they’ll come if their internships get cancelled.

I was recently experiencing a period of time where I was beginning again to dream of the future. It didn’t feel so far away, but now it seems to be getting pushed off. I can though, dream of a future in the house haha. I can imagine I will discover some really great TV shows and movies. I’ll even more appreciate my friends and the beautiful people I get to video chat with. I can try cooking new things. I might buy the new pokemon game! I can imagine we’ll get adjusted! When I was 13, I spent an entire summer enveloped in a Tumblr community. We would hold video chats all the time and online events and it was everything to me. We even had our pretend Tumblr family. I’m trying to recapture that spirit now. 

Some schools are already talking about remaining closed until 2021. If our school does that, I think I’m going to actually drop the quarter. I wasn’t in a financial position to do it this quarter and I didn’t want to be at K a quarter without my peers, but distance learning has been an overwhelming struggle. I love school, but I struggle with the paperwork and deadlines. In regular times, I do my homework because it’s a condition of going to school. In these times, school is only homework. I’m not here for it. The main struggle would be finding housing for another fall, but I’m sure we could manage something. 

They say that Michigan is plateauing. Kind of. In a way. Hopefully. Maybe. I hope so. I’m not sure. We can’t be sure. 

I’ve been having struggle in managing my family. When we went to the store, my 14 year old little sibling kept getting mad and being obstinate when I was trying to explain why they shouldn’t be touching Everything. My mom is going to Arizona. I said I don’t think she should, but I also get it. She hasn’t seen her family in a lot of years now and in back to work times, she only gets off Christmas and New Years. She’s taking my safety recommendations, but it’s still really stressful. I don’t know what’s right to do.  I found out 2 things this week. It’s a lot of effort to sleep through the whole day and I can be really productive from 4-11am. That’s been nice. What didn’t get done today can be done tomorrow, so we’ll try again tomorrow. Thank you for tuning in everybody. 

#Good morning

[pandemicspring]

Easter Sunday

Easter was challenging. Sundays are already challenging because they’re a day to be with family. Extra challenging when they’re a holiday. Like I said before, many people in my family’s neighborhood are not taking the quarantine seriously. My tio had a cookout. I felt foolish being the only one not in attendance. Do I, one person, make a difference? But at the same time, I knew I shouldn’t attend when I don’t know where everyone else is coming from. Even then, I felt like I didn’t know what to do. I tried to console myself by remembering we have a whole life of holidays ahead of us. 

I used to struggle with holiday depression. That’s much dissipated as the health of my family has improved a lot in the past few years. This Easter it came back with great strength. I didn’t do anything the entire day. I suppose that could mean in other contexts that I relaxed, but I really didn’t do anything. I don’t know where the time went because I didn’t watch tv or turn on the Nintendo. No reading and I only ate kinda sort of. I did journal a bit, and I went on a walk some. But mostly I just existed.

On my walk which at most covered a mile out into the neighborhoods around my house, I saw many people houses holding celebrations with their families. Either that, or people just own many cars. I felt lonely and embarrassed. I ran into my bio professor. I felt really happy about that because we got to talk for a moment and she reassured me that it’s important to stay home, that she’s missing her parents today too. That made me feel more sure of things. That I ran into her is one of the reasons I love my school. I love that so many of our professors live close by and that they’re so warm to say HI when they see you in the neighborhood. 

I still haven’t written the essay due tomorrow for her class, but maybe I’ll get to it tonight. It looms over me when I do anything. She’s been very compassionate and understanding. I struggle because I don’t have my mind on writing science papers at all. Not about ecology and conservation. Climate change is important, but I’m a microbiologist. I only want to think about my microbes. I only want to study viruses. I know that the world is still falling apart around us, but this pandemic feels like it bites into everything. 

This week will mark the week that my housemate either returns or he doesn’t. I imagine him telling me the day he’ll be coming and I scurry to clean the house well before he gets here. I did a deep clean right after everyone left, but it’s been a month now and things have become messy again. I have another scenario I imagine. I imagine he tells me he’s not coming. I tell him I know and then I clean the house anyways. It’s important to turn over a new leaf, right?  Either way it’s okay.

At one point I did call my mom. I had to tell her about the good news. Today Michigan reported only 645 new cases and 95 deaths. I know it’s too sudden to be excited, but the last week has been the same amount every day. That means a plateau. It wouldn’t be so crazy for it to drop, right? I just worry that it hasn’t even begun with the west side yet. Here in Kalamazoo we added 5 new cases today to get to a total of 84, but we all know they’re not doing enough testing. My mom asked if I wanted to come over, but I know it would be irresponsible. I have to give it a few days until we know if anybody got sick from Easter. So far, no one in my family has gotten sick, but I feel worry that it may be coming. 

I texted my friends that next year we have to take a squad picture with the Easter bunny. That’s something I’m looking forward to. Somehow, around midnight I finally felt awake to begin doing things. I finally cooked myself a meal, pictured in process above. Added sausage and egg and ate it in bread w/ cheese spread and hot salsa. So delicious. And began Unorthodox on Netflix! A very cool show. Haha, we’ll see about this essay now. Thank you for tuning in! I hope that your Easter was a beautiful celebration for Jesus has risen. 

#good morning

[pandemicspring]

End of Second Week

The grocery stores. Packed yesterday in anticipation for Easter. My mom and I had forgotten Easter is a thing. The store was much different than when I last went 3 weeks ago. We didn’t go to Meijer on Westnedge because it looked too full. We went to Hardings on Cork Street and it was still very full, but smaller. Only me and my mom went in and my younger siblings stayed in the car. The prices were higher than they usually are. Most noticeably, Eggs running twice their normal value at 3$/a dozen. Yogurts, 3$/4 yoplait that are usually 2$/10. Chicken thighs and ground beef at 4$/ a pound. Many more people wore masks and skirted around each other nervously, apologizing when accidentally coming too close. We grabbed what we Needed and felt a risk in indulging in extras. Both in cost and in extra exposure time. The employees each talked about feeling nervous/when their last day at work would be.

I do want to recognize how privileged we were in being able to make that trip. We don’t have pre-existing conditions to worry about. We were able to get food for both my mom’s house and my own. All essentials including bread, butter, eggs, oil, and milk were available. A great many things were available and I was even able to get some frozen foods and chicken for my place. 

When I think about all the panic of essentials literally not being available in the grocery store, I think about how that’s a new concept in the U.S. and one we extremely take for granted. When I talked to folks in Cuba, they expressed frustration about regularly feeling uncertain the availability of essentials. We worry now about our food system collapsing, but they struggle every year with access to fruits, vegetables, grains, and livestock products. After the blockade implemented in 1960, Cuba was cut off from its main trade partners in the Americas. They were left struggling with the aftermath of colonization that had overfarmed the island in sugar cane that strips the land, left imported cows that eat imported grain not grass, a people whose diet revolved around rice (has to be imported). After the revolution, there was an argument to diversify the agriculture and the economy, but in order to survive they had to rely on the Soviet Union. This meant they had to keep producing sugar as a main crop in order to satisfy the super power.  People don���t understand that an Island of 6 million people that had spent 400 years as a colony of the spanish and then 60 under the impact of direct U.S. intervention cannot suddenly stand on its own while also being cut off from all of its other trading partners. In 1991 when the soviet union collapsed, Cuba was launched into the special period by losing 90% of its food supply. Accompanied by the loss of oil imports that it took to grow their own.  Cuba has steadily risen and improved conditions with the development of their biotechnology, tourism, and nickel industries, but without imports a consistent food supply remains a struggle. For example, if a hurricane knocks out the agriculture on the island, that’s it. There is none of whatever crop until the next year. That’s why the blockade is murderous. Here in the U.S., we import things all year around from all around the world. Especially from exploitative conditions created by U.S. intervention in Latin America. What we don’t import, we acquire for cheap through farmworker exploitation of the migrants escaping those same conditions. I want to make it very clear. The U.S. survives by our military robbing underdeveloped countries. End the blockade. VIVA CUBA. 

Continuing on, one thing I’ve been trying to be a part of is changing the working conditions in the community most immediate to me, our school. As a composting intern employed under facman and as a student focused on sustainability, what I’m most closest to is our facilities management crew. It’s common knowledge around campus that they’re overworked and underappreciated. The director, Susan Lindemann is the head of facilities and also sustainability. Two big jobs for a person that hasn’t even been signed for a full time position. Right now, due to the state’s stay home orders, they are off work. I do appreciate our school assuring that they will still receive paychecks. However, I still want to push for more when we return to campus. To draw attention to the issue, I’ve begun photographing the campus. Every spring our campus is so beautiful, but part of that is because so much work is put on by facilities to manicure it. Right now since we’re just coming out of spring, not much has changed, but I’m going to continue capturing photos into the spring to show what campus would look like without the work of facman. Unfortunately I don’t have pictures of what the campus normally looks like, but if that devalues the display very much, then I have no problem making this into a long term project and capturing photos next spring. What matters is that in the long term, more attention is paid to our facilities management crew. I invite anyone reading this to take pictures as well for anything they see and find striking, or just spots on campus that they normally find very beautiful.  A Kalamazoo tenants union is in the works. I don’t know how involved I’ll be yet, but so far I’ve taken to attending their meetings and spreading the word to collect information. The goal is to first, respond to concerns created by the crisis, and then handle general maltreatment in the long run. I think it’s promising, though, like many things in Kalamazoo, I have doubts for its ability to reach neighborhoods facing the most struggle. I often feel a guilt because in organizing circles that I’ve been part of in Kalamazoo, I’m usually the only one actually from one of these struggling neighborhoods. I should serve as an ambassador of sorts. I struggle though, honestly. When I go home, it’s as a person at the most. I don’t feel good leaving to college and then coming back as an ‘organizer. Maybe it’d be different if I hadn’t moved around so much (my extended family has lived there for the last 40 years, but my immediate family moved back and forth while I was growing). Maybe it’d be different if I wasn’t trans. I don’t know. But it’s something I struggle with. 

If you’ve read this far and would like to continue into my personal experience, continue haha, but if you have other things to do I understand as well. But it helps me a lot to write them. I’m feeling a lot better going into 3rd week. I have some assignments in and I’m looking forward to hearing feedback about them. I got back up to cooking for myself. I’m getting used to video chats and beginning to really enjoy them. I think it really helped to videochat with my orgs. I still struggle to get down to business writing things, but I’ve always struggled with homework and maybe I always will. What helps a lot is my professors being accepting of late work because I’ve never not turned in an assignment. 

Today I got to talk a little with my 6 year old cousin. I feel guilt frequently for not being a bigger part of his life. I have to consistently remind myself to extend compassion and do better when I can. The energy put towards guilt helps nobody. He showed me today that he can ride a bike without training wheels now. I hope to borrow my housemate’s bike and ride with him when it gets warm soon. 

My mom made some delicious chicken, potatoes, corn, and garlic bread. She’s really getting back into the swing of cooking. I appreciate it a lot, and the fact that I’ve been able to rely on her and through our family, believe that God will take care. 

I’m getting hungry and going to go eat now. Love, peace, and solidarity to all. Thank you for being with me in these times.

#Good morning