pacificallrisk

[pacificallrisk]

You win, Alicia. I won't try anymore. I concede.

[pacificallrisk]

I'm conflicted on how Alicia would feel. On one hand she's livid I'm breaking my promise to never exist. But on the other it would bring her immense joy that everyone treats me as the same plague as she did.

[pacificallrisk]

Alicia would hate to hear this, but I'm trying to socialize more. Failing miserably. But trying. I went to another bar tonight. Was completely ignored by everyone. Will I go again? I don't know. What's the point? Getting out of my comfort zone for what? It's just like she said. No one wants me in their life.

[pacificallrisk]

I've been here three days and I already have a crush. Of course, she likes someone else. She stares through me. But not him. Story of my life. Never good enough for the girl. Right, Alicia?

[pacificallrisk]

I wasn't welcome there. I got so caught up in Alicia's look-a-like I forgot about the girl who really resembles her. The moment we locked eyes she was shooting daggers at me. She couldn't hide her disgust. The doppelganger didn't notice me. It was this girl who shared Alicia's hatred for my existence.

[pacificallrisk]

Does she ever think of me? For just a moment? A fleeting thought? No, huh? Why would she? I never meant anything to her. How could she remember someone so insignificant?

#i really miss her tonight

[pacificallrisk]

I actually really hate seeing her doppelgangers. It's hard enough for me to go out in public. If she's not going to come back into my life, I don't want to see her reflections.

[pacificallrisk]

Why does Alicia have such a common face? How many of heŕ doppelgangers have I seen now? Five? Six? I lost count. How many more will I see? I was having an okay time, too. I was out in public, but I wasn't talking to anyone. I was entirely forgetable. Which is the agreement. Then I saw her. And yeah. So much for that.

[pacificallrisk]

Should I show Alicia more appreciation? If she didn't stop my recovery and isolate me, how many people would have hurt me for not being good enough? I can't pretend I would have found anyone who could actually care about me, but I still would have been trying. So she saved me from a lot of rejection. Should I thank her?

#imagine if she saw this #fuck

[pacificallrisk]

She never lets me have a minute of peace

#cptsd

[pacificallrisk]

Jane Austen was right when she said “I am half agony, half hope.”

#before i met her #now i'm all agony

[pacificallrisk]

I wish I could forget you but I know I never will

#hbd alicia

[pacificallrisk]

It wasn’t your fault

It wasn’t your fault they treated you that way, it wasn’t your fault you accepted that treatment for so long, it wasn’t your fault you were taught abuse and neglect were what love is all about, it wasn’t your fault you thought it was all you deserved, it wasn’t your fault you fell for their fake charming character, it wasn’t your fault that you just wanted to be loved.

it wasn’t your fault

#wish i could believe this

[pacificallrisk]

Sadly I can check off alot of items from this list. Time and self education are the only things that will help reclaim life back once you lose yourself with emotional abuse.

#8/10 patterns #10/10 effects

[pacificallrisk]

I wish I was someone she could want

[pacificallrisk]

being a person who feels things deeply is exhausting

[pacificallrisk]

Grindelwald, Switzerland (by Jose Llamas)