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oversizedmicroorganism · 3 years

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I want something that I can’t have.

This something to most people in my culture and my society think about as a mental illness or being away from God or being under the influence of the devil (ooooo scary).

But talking to someone about it automatically puts you in the black list. They will constantly bring what little they know about biology and religion in the conversation, and when you are making very good points they call you mentally ill.

They will never educate themselves because an arrogant person will never admit defeat.

The fun part about this is talking to your family members about it. To give you some background information about the families in my society, they are very strict about what is right and what is wrong, they never see you as a grownup because they are older than you by years even if you are married and with kids (I am still in college), they are extremely religious, and they are close minded. Some families are not so strict and not so extremely religious and they are actually educated and some what open minded, but not everyone is that lucky.

I told my mom about it and she said she will help me lose weight to see if I am suffering with body image issues. But that was two years ago and I know for a fact that she doesn’t forget. But I will not talk to her about it again because I have to be more selfless and take in consideration that she has so much on her mind. My mom is very educated and very different from the rest of my family, very open minded too and not strict at all.

I told my cousin about it and he kept on miss gendering me and I told him multiple times not to do it but I was talking to a brick wall. We are closely the same age and we both have the same level of education, which is sad knowing that even though some people are educated they are still very arrogant.

I stopped telling anyone in my family because lost hope and I was pushed deeper into the pit of darkness and self doubt.

I tried with my friends, hoping for a better result but what I found was heartbreaking.

The first ever person I talked to about it was my bestfriend of 11 years, we share everything together, but what I got was more miss gendering, and her attitude changed drastically, naturally we would talk everyday ,but she managed to slowly stop talking to me, she probably thought I will not notice but I did, I am going to say maybe she is busy with school and she doesn’t have the spare time to send a massage, but I can’t keep telling myself that because whenever I send her a massage she doesn’t see it and when she does (after weeks) she sends a small massage and when I reply she doesn’t reply back, I know for a fact that she is not busy because she always posts stories of how she is talking for hours with her new friends (maybe I am a bit of a salty jelly but come on she is my best friend). But it’s okay I got used to friends leaving me because they found other better friends or because they saw me as a boring person. (I was told by my colleague that he thought I was a boring person, which is really hurtful to say to a person you just started to talk to jeez.)

I talked to one person from my college friend group (we were friends for 3 years) about it and she told me I was mentally ill, I was expecting that but damn I was surprised. I tried another approach by hinting the thing for another friend from the same friend group and she told me if was ever a boy she would never have talked to me, God damn that was awful.

I proceeded to cut off all contact with them by not attending any classes with them and removing myself from the group. Now I am completely lonely with no friends except my cat and my siblings and my imagination.

I am now in a mental state of constantly doubting myself and thinking maybe I might be faking it, but I know that I am not, I know that I want to transition and I want to live a happy life, but not having support from the close people around you and adding to the mix how transgender people are treated in my society and how hard it is to start the transitioning process and the amount of obstacles in the way makes life a living hell, and maybe it’s not really worth living at all.

But I will not give up on living the life I want, the life I deserve. I will do it myself.

Writing this made me feel a little better. I hope it doesn’t sound depressing.

#transgender ftm #trans community #transgender rights #transgender

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