orator95

[orator95]

It's been a rough couple of months.. - Hi

Unfortunately, I've been thinking about killing myself for the past 2 days. I've felt very defeated. Extremely exhausted mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I'm struggling financially. Anything can happen and I am not prepared, at all. That's a terrifying way to live when you have a tiny person dependent on you.

I've cried and I've cried and I've cried

nothing changed

Ive been so angry I can black out in rage and just completely lose my shit.

Bless, all the years of work I put in to allow me to still be able to find my center and joy in the present.

My son is my Hero.

The days have been getting harder. Money is shorter. Work is scarce. Patience Thin. Faith Shaken. Some days I don't even want to talk or move. But I don't have time to be depressed or process my emotions or change, all I have time for is to be a provider and nurturer for my son.

While fighting suicidal thoughts tonight, my son begins telling me about an incident on the playground with a kid at school while he's laying down. Which I was super excited to hear about cause I have to pry information out of him. He's always generic like "good" "the usual"

Anyways, He tells me about a kid who he thought was his friend telling him he can't be apart of the "emo kid group" and it made him emotional.

He seem to be very affected by this so I began telling him how he needs to be able to judge a good friend from a bad friend and I give him descriptive examples. Further more, I go on to empower him and tell him how cool, funny and intelligent he is. I tell him he's a leader and he don't need to try to fit into any group or follow behind anyone. He's a superstar. I mean his name is Platinum Dove.

Hes fidgeting a lot with the pillows and stuff animals so I tell him to stop messing with the stuff and look at me.

I tell him that he has to be able to navigate the world confidently cause I can't always be there to defend him.

He's crying and I'm choking up while expressing to him.

I ask him, why are you crying?

He says, That's so nice of you. That's so nice what you said.

and he keep repeating that as we cry a little bit together and I tell him I'm your mother babe, I'm supposed to be and say nice things to you. I love you and I'm a be here for you, always, no matter what.

His little arms wrap around me and he lay his head on my chest and falls asleep

I hold him tight, crying silently. Hard. For multiple reasons beyond this moment.

But in that moment I realized how much pain and trauma it was cause my son if I took my own life. But also how much he needed those words of love and encouragement from his Mother to soothe his little being and reinforce his confidence. Who else is going to do that for him if I leave him? I can't die, Platinum have too much life to live and I want to be here to live it with him.

Thank you God for providing a way in the desert. Lord knows, I was working overtime to combat those suicidal and depressive thoughts.

Granted things are still a shit show, but as my Nana used to say, we taking it one day at a time.

[orator95]

Naomi Campbell, Harper’s Bazaar, Paul Gauguin Story, Jamaica, 1992 - Ph. Peter Lindbergh

[orator95]

DAMN*

I feel like the weed aint working.

I smoked like 4 hours ago and I’m still up. 

Granted, P and his congestion also kept me up and my aching stress, anxiety and nightly mid life crisis of course.

I’m not gon hold you. I’ma go smoke again. I probably 10/10 will be exhausted tomorrow, Thank God school is basically over and he don't have to go.

[orator95]

In this world, there are things you can only do alone, and things you can only do with somebody else. It’s important to combine the two in just the right amount.

Haruki Murakami (via surqrised)

[orator95]

You can never really go back to the same waters. Not only are you no longer the same, but neither are the waters you left. The current has changed. The elements of nature have affected the stream. When you return, although it appears the same, it really is a different river and you are a different person. Therefore, you cannot cross the same river twice.

Alice Walker (via surqrised)

[orator95]

Mirror*

People are never going to get it. It’s not for them to see. My vision for me is from God. I have to be the one to actualize it. It’s like trying to tell somebody about God. They just have to experience it on their own, you can’t fully comprehend something you haven’t experienced. That’s how I feel whenever I ask about life, career, art advice. But it’s my job to communicate my existence. Effectively. And so it is.

[orator95]

Death to Survival Mode*

I’m just.. running in circles.

And I’m so dizzy, nauseous even.

I don’t know why I keep asking for advice when I need to consult my damn self. 

What I need more than anything, is space, time, peace and quiet. I’m so tired of everybody and everything. Everybody and everything. 

If I didn’t value my life and my sons life so much, I’d probably kill myself. I’m extremely frustrated that I’m constantly going in circles. Like am I really inadequate? Even more I think I’m feeling a sense of defeat knowing my elders are right. I do have to give up my dreams for my son. It hurts bad and it’s hard pill to swallow. My life changed forever when I became a mother. I’m getting older, the years moving faster, my son getting bigger and I’m still stuck on fucking stupid. I should just move out the country for a year fr and focus on  BLKGRL, Art&Expression. I need a hard reset and for some reason Haven’t been able to hit that here in the city. 

Pressure of working things out with Derrick is a lot for me cause just like mother hood, I’m going to have become a new person as a wife and I’m not ready for that, again. I like who I am and I like who I am becoming. I don’t want to compromise that. I’m not ready no focused on committing to anyone, I have so much work to do. I am not an adequate partner. I am a great lover, but I am not an adequate partner, right now. I really just want to be alone, which is funny cause I’m always complaining about being lonely. I wouldn't be lonely if I had 1 million dollars. I’m just saying. I wouldn't be worried about much at all. Money would fix all my problems right now. 

I’m not gone hold you, that phone conversation  made me feel like a terrible Mother. Maybe I am, but it ain't no blue print to this shit so, whatever. All I can do is focus on what the fuck I’m about to do right now to have a better future for me and P. Genuinely exhausted in all ways and I’m too young for this shit. I’m over worked and underpaid. Inconsistent and optimistic. Brilliant and gifted and just lost in the fucking sauce.Tired.

[orator95]

If I didn’t learn to love myself, forgive myself a hundred times, dawg

[orator95]

ONWARD*

[orator95]

[orator95]

[orator95]

I’m sitting here crying and my son is just so oblivious just doing his own thing. I love that for him. I hate this for me.

I think what I am feeling is disappointment.

A wave of disappointment from past lovers who hurt me, lovers I've hurt and I’m just feeling everything and I’m just sad and lonely. Remembering the last time I felt loved and cared for by a lover are quickly dissolved by the feeling of neglect and pain by the same person.

The last person I was really in love with, hurt me to my soul and truly I have not recovered and it makes me feel sad, embarrassed and alone. It makes me sad to know I have been giving my time to men of my choosing as of late and I feel very unfulfilled, unloved and disposable. I don’t want to feel that way. You know what I want? A man to come and sweep me off my feet with affirmations and adoration. I don’t know why I attract men who think I deserve nothing, but it bothers me deeply. I want romance. Gifts. Compliments. Trips and all the fun beautiful things someone can offer another. I’m sad that at the end of the day, after work, after creating, after momin, after wilding and laughing with friends, I am alone. Alone with my son. Alone in my broken home. Thinking, reminiscing on my favorite moments with past lovers. I’m tired, truly. Even putting in the energy to converse and get to know new men is so exhausting, I don’t want to do it. I don't want to do. I just want to be and attract. 

I’m going to blame the lunar eclipse today, cause I am in my feels and I would like to not be here. The truth is, I love love. I desire it. I want it. I need it and I refuse to settle for anything less than what I imagine and desire. Got damn, having standards and shit is so boring.

The problem is I feel like I’m such a amazing woman, it’s mind boggling that I keep attracting men who are either scared of me or who just want to take from me at their convenience. It really hurts my feelings. I’m tired of being strong about everything. Shit be hurting my feelings, Shit be making me mad, Shit be making me sad. I am not a machine, I am not made of stone. I am but a clay woman learning my way in this lifetime.

[orator95]

[orator95]

[orator95]

[orator95]

[orator95]

I know I’ve been away*

I’M JUST TRYNA GET MY PAPER STRAIGHT!!!

NO DEAD ASS THO.

I’m so tired and I still feel like I’m not working hard enough. Literally constantly operating in survival mode and masculinity. I’m exhausted. I just want to a billion dollars and some face kisses, hugs and affirmations. I can’t remember the last time I felt safe and serene. I’m very tired and I am not working hard enough.