orainwalker

[orainwalker]

teen wolf is a known horrendously bad show but do not ever doubt the fact that they had stiles stilinski clearing bitches left and right. he did not ever HESITATE

[orainwalker]

Stiles analyzing hours:

If he cares about you, he will die for you, he would kill himself just to keep you safe. He knows your passwords and has keys to your house. No, you didn't gave them to him. He will abandon his dreams to help you. He will get angry for you (you probably won't see that tho). He's mean. He will go to Mexico and deal with some mafia to save you.

If he doesn't care: he'll advise to let you die or help it a bit if you bother him enough

[orainwalker]

Teen wolf AU where Derek and Stiles meet and Derek is so confused because Stiles doesn’t *smell* like a wolf, but he seems to always pop up out of nowhere and show up where he doesn’t belong and always responds when Derek speaks too soft for human ears

But really Stiles is just nosy and researching his way to places he doesn’t belong and he reads Derek like a book so he’s just responding to vibes and accidentally tricks Derek into thinking he’s a werewolf without actually being one or trying to

[orainwalker]

Here’s a little thing that’s been bugging me for a few weeks.

Summary: Stiles is a demon. This is common knowledge. At least, he was under the impression that this is common knowledge. He should have known better than to trust Derek Hale to figure it out.

————————————

Look, in his defense, Stiles was sure they knew. At least, he was sure Derek knew, and if Derek knew, then the rest of the pack knew. That’s just kind of how it works, when they aren’t hiding threats from each other.

(He’s not pointing fingers. It’s just that Stiles sometimes gets fucking tired when the pack does not tell him shit and then he ends up having to figure it all out by himself so they don’t get themselves killed. It wasn’t funny the first time Scott tried it back in sophomore year. It hasn’t gotten any funnier since.)

(Alright, so he is pointing fingers. Sue him.)

Stiles is a demon. And okay, before anyone gets mad and starts saying shit like ‘no he’s not, he’s just a bit chaotic’, he… well, Stiles will admit to being chaotic as a general rule, but that is more of a character choice. He’s being for real when he says he’s a demon.

His parents couldn’t have children. It’s just how it goes sometimes. But Claudia was a very powerful witch, and she knew a thing or two about making pacts with demons. So when the doctors told her she could not carry any children, she figured the next step was obviously to summon a creature from down below and make a deal with it in exchange for a child.

That’s where Stiles comes in.

Claudia probably wasn’t expecting a demon child to come to her when she did her summoning, but personally? Stiles thinks she lucked out. Stiles is a friendly demon, as far as those go, and his policy regarding humans is more ‘see what makes them tick’ rather than ‘make them burst into flames spontaneously’, so all in all, she could have done a lot worse.

So that’s kind of how he ends up as Stiles Stilinski, son of John and Claudia Stilinski. Claudia and John are the only ones that know Stiles’ true name, though only Claudia can say it right. John tries his best, but they all collectively decide that Mischief is a rather good alternative.

In exchange for being the best son anyone could have, Stiles gets to spend an unspecified amount time on the mortal realm. Claudia doesn’t put any restrictions on him, on the understanding that Stiles can’t go and kill people for kicks. Annoying them is fair game, though.

That’s fine. Stiles has never been particularly interested in needless violence. He’d much rather learn everything there is to know about humans. Such interesting creatures. Truly fascinating.

And that’s how he spends the next twelve years of his life. He makes one singular friend - humans tend to get this instinctual need to get away from demons, but Scott doesn’t have any survival instincts at all, so it works out fine - and spends most of his time enjoying the admittedly mundane life of a human child.

Stiles knows there’s a pack of werewolves living in town, but he never runs into them, and then they die in that terribly suspicious fire and the survivors leave. The town quiets down a lot after that, and Stiles tries not to mourn the loss too badly. The energy they gave off was very pleasant.

Then the werewolves come back to town.

Stiles doesn’t intent to get involved. He doesn’t. He’s a demon, he doesn’t care for mortal affairs no matter how amusing they are. So he doesn’t do anything when he feels the presence of an Alpha in Beacon Hills after seven years. A not his circus not his monkeys kinda situation. But then Scott gets turned into a werewolf, and Stiles doesn’t care for mortal affairs but he does care about Scott, so really, it was inevitable.

There’s also Derek Hale. Derek Hale with his lickable abs and his chiseled scowly face and that angryhurtsadmiserable aura of his. Stiles acuses him of murder, Derek shoves him into walls. How is Stiles supposed to not become completely obsessed?

Anyways.

Stiles isn’t sure how he ended up in a pack of werewolves of all things - demons are lonely creatures, they don’t get packs - but he can probably blame Scott for that. It’s pretty alright, even if he gets dragged into every possible supernatural matchup imaginable. At least no one is busting out the holy water. Not that it would work, that’s a myth. Stiles had that phase as a kid where he went to church every Sunday morning and received the sacrament of Eucharist just for kicks. His dad didn’t find it funny, but Stiles still thinks it’s fucking hilarious. Now he uses the name of Jesus Christ every time he can. It’s blasphemous and Stiles thinks it’s hilarious too.

Back to the point, Stiles never bothered to hide he’s a demon. He doesn’t advertise it, of course, but he doesn’t go out of his way to mask his scent or whatever. He’s powerful enough that he can take on mostly anything that comes find him. So he thought Derek knew, and was just being chill about it and not mentioning it.

Apparently not.

The bitten wolves, he could understand. They still mix up deer and rabbit after years of being bitten when they’re running in the preserve. But Derek’s a born wolf. He was trained since he was a kid, and it’s not like demons are hard to sniff out. Hell clings to Stiles like a second skin.

Well, it turns out Derek is the ultimate failwolf, because after four years, he still had no idea. It takes a run in with another demon - this one does like to set humans on fire, unfortunately, so Stiles has to banish it back to Hell - and even then Stiles has to practically spell it out for him. Stiles is only a bit disappointed in him. Mostly, he’s still a bit confused on how Derek even missed it in the first place.

“Dude, can’t you smell it?” he asks, and they’re alone in the loft because everyone else has gone out to buy celebratory donuts while they try to get the scorch marks off Derek’s wall. It’s not going as well as they hoped.

Instead of an answer, or a growl, which is his primary method of communication, Derek does something unexpected and fucking—blushes.

Huh. Okay.

Wait, no. Not okay. What?

“It’s not considered polite to act on the way people smell, Stiles,” and Derek’s voice is strangled, like it hurts him to get the words out. He’s always been bad at talking but Jesus Christ, this is excessive.

(Heh. Jesus Christ. It will never not be funny.)

“That’s bullshit and you know it. I’ve lost count of how many times you’ve sniffed out other supernatural creatures or people’s intentions. It’s what you do. Other than rip out throats and creep around my window, obviously,” Derek’s scowl makes an appearance - there it is, Stiles was getting worried for a second - looking back at the scorched wall like it’s going to magically clean itself with the power of his rage.

Stiles could probably do something like that. Maybe. His magic is chaotic on a good day, so he can’t really call it reliable. Destructive, definitely. Offensive, if he has to pick between that and defense. Stiles is terrible at that.

He’s really getting off track here.

“That’s different. You’re not a supernatural creature,” Derek says stubbornly and what?

“What?”

“What,” it’s impressive how he always manages to ask questions that don’t sound like questions.

“What do you mean, I’m not a supernatural creature? Are you—“ Stiles looks at his Alpha with narrowed eyes, mouth open mid sentence as it finally downs on him that they’re talking about very different things. “What did you think I meant when I asked you if you smelt it?”

Derek stubbornly refuses to say anything. That’s fine. Stiles is the king of stubborn, he can out-stubborn anyone at any given time.

“Tell me,” he presses. Derek doesn’t say anything. “Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell—“

“Jesus fuck, Stiles, fine!” heh. Stiles knew he’d break. “I was smelling that you’re horny. All the time.”

That— that’s not what Stiles was expecting. Um. Okay. So things got awkward very fucking quickly.

“Oh,” he says, and now he sounds strangled because he thought he’d kept that little tidbit of information hidden quite nicely. It turns out Derek was just being polite about it.

God, does it mean the betas can smell it too? Oh, no, no no no no.

(Heh. God. Stiles is so funny.)

(He really has to stop unfocusing like this.)

Stiles is officially mortified. Turns out even demons get prudish after spending so much time in the mortal realm. Who knew? It’s okay, Stiles will just find the nearest bridge to throw himself off from. If he has any luck he’ll die instantly and won’t get back to Hell so he doesn’t have to live with this knowledge forever.

“It’s okay. I know it’s not personal or anything,” Derek’s still not looking at him. He’s grabbed back his rag and is valiantly rubbing away at the wall. Stiles doesn’t have the heart to tell him that if the mark hasn’t come out already, it probably never will. He’d know, he’s burned plenty of walls before.

By accident, if his dad ever asks.

“That’s fine and all, only it’s very personal,” and Stiles is just making a bigger hole to bury himself in, but his mouth is faster than his brain. It’s an ongoing issue. “You don’t think I’m horny all the fucking time, right? I mean, demons do have that hyper hormonal stage at my age but assuming it’s all the time is a bit excessive. I’m not a succubus. This is completely a you thing.”

Derek’s face does that thing where it pinches in between his eyebrows and his eyes narrow a bit, lips pressed together tightly. It’s his Stiles Just Said Something Deeply Upsetting face. He uses it a lot.

Alright, time to backtrack.

“It’s really okay that you don’t feel the same. Really, I get it. I wouldn’t feel the same about me either. So let’s just ignore I ever said anything, and we can go back to trying to clean this up even if we both know it’s not going to come out,” he offers Derek his most winning smile. Derek’s face just gets even more pinched.

Stiles’ senses are pretty dulled here on the mortal realm, but he doesn’t need them to know his Alpha is probably very pissed. At him, specifically.

So it’s Tuesday, then.

Stiles takes a step back, just as a precaution. He doesn’t think Derek will throw him against a wall - he stopped doing that a couple of years ago. Stiles refuses to acknowledge he kinda misses it - but you can never be too cautious. And Stiles did kind of just confess his undying horniness for him.

Imagine if he’d also told the guy he’s utterly and helplessly in love with him. That would have gone fantastically. Not.

“You’re a demon?” Derek’s voice comes out more high pitch than Stiles has ever heard it. He’s surprised. Why is he surprised? This is what they were talking about, before Stiles stuck a foot in his mouth. “Since when?”

“Since always? Seriously dude, can’t you smell it?”

It’s like they’re back in square one.

So. Turns out Derek truly had no idea Stiles is a demon. No wonder he’d looked like Stiles had grown a second head when he banished that fiend back to Hell.

On the good side, Derek apparently also returns his feelings, after they go in circles a few more times and Stiles gets across that he’s not just horny, he’s in love. A happy ending, in Stiles’ opinion.

(“How did you end up as the son of the Sheriff anyway? Is he a demon, too?”

“Hmn? Oh, no. My mom just did this summoning ritual for a Prince of Hell to get them a child, and I showed up. It was kind of a two for one deal,” he waves his hand dismissively.

“You’re a what?”

Oh, boy. Stiles knew he was forgetting something.)

[orainwalker]

Stiles: If any of you die in my Jeep,I'll resurrect you and you'll clean my beloved Roscoe before you go back to being dead.

The Pack™️: How the hell does that work.

Stiles: Nicely.

[orainwalker]

Young Derek: So, is Stiles your real name?

Stiles: As far as you know, yes.

Scott, chanting: Beelzebub~ Asmodeus~

Stiles: Yeah, guess it right and I'll lose my power.

Young Derek: I'm just saying, I've tried summoning you by saying "Stiles" in the mirror three times and it didn't work.

[orainwalker]

[orainwalker]

Had this really funny idea that Ed and Al meet Selim Bradley as kids and they managed to drag Selim into a really profound and helpful discussion about alchemy and Selim is like 'hmm these twerps are pretty smart we could use them as sacrifices' and decides from then on that he's going to be the Elrics' Best Friend

So he twists Bradley's arm into letting him go to Resembool every once in a while to hang out with the Elrics and meanwhile the rest of Resembool is quaking in their boots like "???? The Fuhrer's son??? Wtf is the Fuhrer's son doing here??" Meanwhile Ed and Al had wave at Selim and his 50 bodyguards like 'hey what's up we're eating dirt so you wanna join in'

And by the time Trisha dies Selim is like 'perfect this is my chance to convince them to commit alchemy's greatest taboo it'll probably take a lot of convincing though because those boys are so smart' and then he goes to Resembool and the boys have literally already done it

So they join the military and that means the Elrics get to hang out with Selim more often and he's like 'crap now I have to age my body a little to keep up appearances' which is hilarious because he's been an Actual Toddler for so long that whenever he goes to report to Father Father is like 'who the actual hell are you'

And then he doesn't plan for the fact he actually starts to like the Elrics like they're growing on him and they get him out of his Good Little Fuhrer's Son Lessons to play hooky and hang out and maybe bring down an Evil Alchemist or two with The Boys

So what I'm saying is Pride enters this Rebellious Teenager phase by hanging out with some Bad Influences (Edward and Alphonse Elric)

Also I think it would be funny if Ed sat teenage Selim down and they bitched about their dads together (even more funny if Greedling is also there that's four times the Dad Slander)

[orainwalker]

another reason i resent there being fewer and fewer spaces one can exist without being Advertised at beside pure basic principle is bc even if i was a happy consumer and they were trying to sell me something i wanted, i have no fucking money? nobody has fucking money! the people selling shit know that too, they know everyone is only getting broker, but cmon, cmon, if we just advertise MORE we'll still squeeze out whats left, right!

but like i fantasize about the point the percentage of people who view ads who can actually give you money if they even wanted to do so, has shrunk SO precipitously, that advertising becomes a pure money sink, like the graphs don't lie but marketing execs convince shareholders all they gotta do is have a talent show to come up with the best funny jingle and meme combo yet and save the capitalism and when they have their winner and bet it all on one BIG ad and everyone on EARTH sees it but the fact everyone saw it doesn't change the fact there is no money to buy the product or anything else really and that's when all collapses too fast for their golden parachutes which are also suddenly made of lead and plummeting them into a volcano because in this fantasy i also have ed elric alchemy powers and i fucked with their helicopter satnav

what was i talking abouit

oh yeah FUCK ads

[orainwalker]

thinking about ed leading a relatively mundane life post-canon while still having all the connections he made during his time as a state alchemist is very funny to me, especially when thinking about his kids' perspectives. several high ranking military officials send them birthday gifts every year. they know four different guys who can turn into animals and this is mostly just a party trick for them. the emperor of xing is a family friend. they go to school and learn about the state alchemists and hear about the youngest state alchemist ever edward elric and they're like "you mean our fucking dad? our loser dad who can't do alchemy and consistently hits his thumb when using a hammer and has a rivalry with our pet chicken? you mean that edward elric?"

[orainwalker]

Thinking about Edward Elric as the Amestrian Military's specialest little unfireable boy

State alchemists can be fired for underperforming. We know this up front from the likes of Shou Tucker. And this makes a ton of sense from the homunculi's standpoint since the state alchemists are sacrifice candidates, and the homunculi would want to cull the weakest candidates and focus only on cultivating the strongest ones who stand the best chance of opening the portal.

........Then there's Edward. Who's already opened the portal.

There's no need to cultivate him. No gamble taken on whether he's good enough to open the portal. He passed the final test already. Graduated 4 semesters early.

And as such, has a free pass to do Absolute Fuck All.

And I'm imagining how funny this is from like an outside perspective.

Some newish state alchemist who'd only ever read up on the stories of Edward Elric, ready and excited to start their career of being paid handsomely with endless freedom to research and travel and do anything they want in the pursuit of science... surprised and confused to find themselves put on probation their first month for things like "ignoring orders." Which is, as best they had thought, a famous Edward Elric pastime.

Roy showing a slight bit of stress about his yearly state alchemist report, and Ed just snorting and rolling his eyes at Roy because every year HE just hastily does his on the train ride over (canon in the manga, a travesty it was left out of the anime) and it gets rubber stamped. Ed not realizing that other alchemists' reports get genuinely scrutinized and torn apart while Ed is free to turn in whatever absolute bullshit he thinks of 36 hours ahead of time. One year his report was about whether alchemy could be done via dance (conclusion: no it can't) and no one cared. Roy WANTS to tell Ed there's some kind of unknown favoritism around Ed making him literally bullet-proof but Roy has no way to phrase this that doesn't sound like he's just in denial and mad at how good Ed's train-reports are.

Guy from the Internal Amestrian Affairs sector who's responsible for auditing other internal military personel for any suspicious activity hitting about 1 million red flags for Edward Elric, issuing a STRONG and URGENT recommendation to suspend the alchemist pending further investigation into things like "literal bunk-buddies with two members of the Xingese royalty (enemy nation)" and "spent $10,000,000 of his stipend on a librarian to make her re-copy (what he seemed to interpret as?) military records in some extremely transparent effort to unearth state secrets (it was a recipe book but he was literally asking her about state secrets)" and "literally has never once obeyed an order, ever, not even once in his career, and is on public record having said 'I do not care about the goals and protections of the Amestrian Military. I am in fact only pursuing my own interests several of which are diametrically opposed to the safety and well-being of the governing body of Amestris'"

The issued recommendation is intercepted before it even reaches its intended desk. President Bradley himself has taken issue with it and denies it before a single set of eyes has seen it. The President's veto stamp is a terrifying hammer, used rarely, and it is now sitting on the auditor's desk.

The auditor sleeps with one eye open from then on out.

[orainwalker]

Ah, yes, the Youswell miners chapter, also known as the "Comrade Edward seizes the means of production" chapter.

[orainwalker]

I'd like to inform everyone that in the very first french dub of FMA 2003 Ed had an absolute Free Pass for swearing. That kid swears like a sailor at a pub one minute and then throws you some very hyperspecific alchemic wisdom the very next.

He was voiced by an actual teenager so I guess that's why it works so seamlessly.

[orainwalker]

Okay, so I haven't watched all of FMAB yet, but I love how Ed is so fucking oblivious. He got a gorgeous girl, way smarter than him and out of everybody's league, who plays with the cord of the telephone when they speak together because she's down bad and laughs softly when he talks. And he's like "yeah, yeah, well, I am glad you're alive haha I thought they were going to brutally fucking murder you today. So that's a relief. Bye, super best friend in the world" and hangs up like the moron he is. But not only that, because well, they can't see each other so I get he doesn't notice the crush in Winry's voice, BUT LING?????? Dude has been with that prince inside a guy's stomach and has carried him around and cooked him his boot and yelled at him for giving up because he can't leave somebody as ambitious as him there without accomplishing what he wants, and then he says some gay bullshit like "Ling is still in there" after looking at Greed's eyes ONCE. One thing is not realizing a girl is crushing on you but Oh my God Edward for fuck's sake get a clue and realize you like men-

[orainwalker]

just imagined it’s scooby doo and alphonse elric is chasing scooby and shaggy bc you know big scary thing chasing them is the entire narrative and then mystery inc catches him and fred dramatically does that thing like “let’s see who’s inside this armour” and then takes off al’s head to see there’s nobody in there then al just goes “i’m not a bad guy i just wanted to pet your dog” and mystery inc scurries away and never investigates again

[orainwalker]

happy october third!

[orainwalker]

spoilers for god emperor of dune for, again, the first 30 pages because i can't get any farther bc i just keep laughing about this narrative decision

i am a little stuck in god emperor bc

i can't stop laughing about the duncans.......

it is so FUCKING funny to me that we meet duncan idaho, he has a wild name, is fun and saucy and jason mamoa (he is The Best casting for that role i have my beef with him but he is objectively the best), he's drunk and really amazing at fighting. and then he gets killed in a normal way. everyone is sad bc they loved duncan rip duncan best man ever :(

THEN SURPRISE!!!!!

he comes back as a hot zombie honeypot for paul. then he regains his memories of his old self. marries paul's sister. then has to betray her bc she turns evil and is very sad and cries a lot. then he is KILLED AGAIN and you're like okay now he's really gone rip duncan idaho you had a weird sad life.....

BUT NO!!!!!

turns out for the past 3500 years pauls deranged worm god son has been growing new duncan idaho's bc he just.... really likes him as the command of his personal guard....? but also thinks he's an idiot and never really listens to anything he says and then replaces him every like 60 years because they turn against him. that is FUNNY. that is humor. that is incredible. i hope frank herbert knows how much i love this.