opiumpoisonjasminerose

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

Okay

How do I explain

I like you a lot

And I appreciate you clarifying where you stand with other women at the moment

(I assumed in the moment that since we'd briefly talked about it, it might be obvious, but it's also kinda obvious your memory isn't always great so - I'm not talking to other people, I wasn't trying to meet people when I met you to be fair, but I'm not trying to meet anyone)

I really like you, but, us having such different feelings about/approaches to sex and feelings and relationships is a little weird for me. Normally this would be a ask for my needs/boundaries/see if they work for you kind of thing... but we've had a couple serious conversations now that you've just forgotten. And that makes it feel less safe to hope you'd remember something I'd ask for all the time.

Plus this stuff has already been a little hard on me, as someone who isn't comfortable with this stuff, listening to someone I have feelings for describe having sex with multiple of other people, in detail? Listening to all your stories, it's like you'll have sex with any woman in your life, for any reason. Which is great, we all need hobbies we're good at. I just... I wouldn't have let things get this far if I'd realized that was how things were for you.

Like, emotionally. Because I don't know where to go from here exactly. I don't do casual or friends with benefits, and its making me unhappy, but any time I weigh out ending this it's more sad so. I don't know I'm confused here.

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

That will do it I guess.

I can't be in the same room as other people he's fucked so. I've got to call it. It's already too much.

I hate this

I want to cry forever

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

I wish I knew if it was just my hormones, being tired, the meds, not eating?

If bailing made sense or not

This... I don't know...

I think I'm too jealous for this

I don't like it

I feel weird about Astoria. I think I should cancel. I feel awkward and I don't like things being awkward.

But then I also was going to make plans for Thursday so...

And what do I say about Tues? Other plans? Things felt too weird lately? Oh I forgot I'm trying to sort out if I should leave?

Like. Ugh. Jfc how many girls are there the list never stops.

I'm surprised there are any left

I know part of THAT is Matthew and not him. But. I don't like it.

Okay...

Hey, before you get too far ahead with doing/finalizing any planning for Tuesday (wwll, anyone that particularly included me), I'm not so sure that going out to Astoria tomorrow yWycinankif really works for me.

.....okay well it's too late to send that. Maybe? Probably.

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

I don't like passive aggressive snips

I don't like being left on read when I was trying to be nice and also get clarity for both of us

I HATE the clubs right now

I hate feeling like I'm unwanted in his hunting ground

I hate knowing I'm a secret

I hate that E's feelings matter more than mine

If he were just any friend, I don't think I'd care

But what happened? And how J responded??

And the check ins about E? And now this?? Ugh

And.... part of him still feels weird and sad and distant. And. I fucking don't want to deal with living in the shadow of the ghosts of his past.

I can't ever be his ex. It's not my fault she isn't here. I don't want to be a reminder.

But I don't deserve to be treated like second best. A disappointing consolation prize.

It hurts.

The sadness is palpable off him. It's too hard to ignore its too hard to hear about. So... where does that leave me?

I shouldn't have gotten involved.

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

Role of Denial

I know denial is protecting me somehow, but not getting a say in it feels infuriating and infantalizing. I don't feel like this is a softer landing, I just feel temporarily delusional

I feel... insane admitting that I genuinely believed Ryan faked his death, that he must have been secretly alive for years, that I didn't start to grive until three years later. Because I simply knew he couldn't be dea. I could feel it deep down.

Now, with Nick, it's the opposite. I can feel a pain so deep, but my brain is still stuck in the world that should have been. I walked through his death with my sister a hundred times, went to his funeral, cried in his room, but keep thinking things are fine. I break down screaming, so clearly my heart feels what my brain is refusing to think. I don't think I'm thinking about him until I am screaming I want to be with him....

My brain had to have kept me from processing how bad so many obviously terrible things were during the worst of my worst situations, my worst losses. And it must be to help? But it makes me feel delusional

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

Okay

What is it I'm upset about

And what do I actually want to communicate

1. I am upset that it feels like he keeps treating the Ey situation as something I'm an active participant in instead of acknowledging how shitty it is his friend did this

I am hurt he said things that made it sound like I played a role in any way

I am insulted that this situation (without what happened at Swan Dive) makes me feel like people are talking about me like a thing some guy called dibs on and not a real person with feelings

I don't feel good that someone who seems otherwise trustworthy and caring then is part of all that...

2. I also have felt weird about how he has discussed recent relationships. I can't tell if it's been to put my mind at ease in a 'but this isn't like that' or to remind me of my place and how easily he can end this while it's just another of his soo many hookups. But either way it makes it impossible to let my guard down.

I want to like him, but all he does is remind me over and over that he leaves. So. I can't let myself get attached. And the more I feel myself getting attached the sadder I get.

And I know I should clarify so I stop just actively pulling away, because 'well just ghost him?' isn't the answer. But I don't need a title or anything, I just... don't understand the point of our first 17 conversations and that's a weird thing to say.

I'm also worried I'm not pretty enough to compare to this legion of strippers he dates. And that's hard. These porn stars and fetish orgies and... I don't even really know how to suck a dick right. And I'm scared. I'm scared that's why he doesn't want to sleep with me now. I'm doing a bad job.

I feel nervous and ugly and insecure and boring and weird

I just want to disappear

I want to be cool and fun. I don't want to be this girl. I don't want to be rape trauma girl...

I'm not hot enough to be this much drama

I'm tired

.....I should eventually talk to him. About how much I don't know? I won't get to understand how he feels if I keep pulling away. I can't fix him acting like the Ey thing is fine if I don't say why it isn't...

Ugh.

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

.....if there's been THAT MANY girlfriends, something must go wrong, there must be a tripwire. I don't have something they all didn't have

Because he's not counting girlfriends he didn't make official

So... jcf how long does he stay with anyone? Why am I even thinking about leaving he'll be gone soon no matter what

I should have just gone out to Blowpony or Coffin or somewhere late

My ears are loud

Girls come and go and no one means anything except J and this most recent girl. And everything is weird and hard because of them

I don't want to do this I want to be single

I want to be loved loved

I hate this

And even if I can get him to focus in the present... his statements about finding new girls while still being in a relationship? Not *being in a* relationship until HE says? Gross.

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

I know what it is

It's the "what did you do to make this happen" narrative

The "did you lead him on? By accident? Sometimes girls do...."

The "well he called dibs" like I'm a set of markers and not a person who got a say in this.

Yes, okay, I FULLY respect this latest request, I'd do the same for Rachel. But. I'm still really hurt about the old stuff.

But we weren't even dating then so I didn't get to be then

And I don't feel like I can trust him now to keep me safe after that

It's like this was already over before it started

....which sucks. I want to think it's because of him having his shit with their past? But... I don't know he doesn't seem like a protective friend either.

I don't know

I hate being nice to Ey right now, I do know that. I hate acting like this is all fine. I hate being friendly when I want to scream

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

Why am I upset

Of course every time a boy "won't" sleep with me when I've decided to sleep with him, I feel disgusting and unsexy and rejected

But he's not slept with me before

He started the night, the whole night WAS, really, super affectionate. Cuddly. Sweet. In public.

But it felt a tiny bit forced?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about touch or him talking about me, but... eh?

Then swing one with getting drunk with some girl. Cool cool okay. He isn't my boyfriend he can literally fuck some other girl other nights.

Swing two processing feelings about his ex getting married last year. Cool cool cool yeah I took Matt proposing real hard. Buuut I was still in love with him....

Annnd swing three boundary set that he won't show this kind of affection in front of Ey. And that was the straw that did it. I pulled myself together. I was strong and acknowledged their complicated history. But I didn't pretend to be fine.

I don't show affection comfortably in crowded spaces (without being super drunk) it wasn't even relevant... but AGAIN Ey's feelings getting put before mine. I don't even want to see him, now I have to keep being nice to him. NOW he determines how I behave in public. When he can do WHATEVER to me without consequences?

My feelings don't matter. His do.

And it was K all over again and I was done

I definitely don't want to go to the Swan Dive. I don't want to see either of them. I wish there were more places to go out so I could go dance without Ey being there (or J playing)

Ugh

I'm hurt and I'm angry and J has a big thing about communication and being kept in the loop and this is insane so...

I was hoping it would pass or I'd be angry enough to leave. But no... it's still in the middle tonight

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

Okay but, counterpoint- Erzsebet likes him

Erzsebet didn't even like RACHEL

Like, first guy I like I bring home since Matthew. And... Erzsebet hops up for pets?

Like?

Bitch?

What?

Where is my murdercat? Where is the shock and terror?

Like... he made me soup. He made me soup.

He made me soup.

From scratch. He has made me how many meals *from ingredients* now??

Without bragging. Without a fuss. Without a production. He just can cook and likes to take care of people

I just wish I fully got that big picture. Does he? Does he enjoy being so in control? Or is it safe?

Is this what he wants? He wants acts of kindness and care back, that he says. Does he want to be allowed to let go more? Take more of a backseat?

He's hard to read, he's so meticulous in what he presents. So flat. Probably a lot like what it's like putting up with me honestly...

I don't know. I like him but liking him scares me, it opens me up to real vulnerability again. I wasn't ready for that so soon.

I wish I could have had my little whore phase. I never do a whore phase. I just do this. I dance and dance and then one day...

I really do like him though...

And the thought of this... us... still being some up in the air nothing? It sucks kinda. I guess it's good... if it came to light he was more into someone else I could peace out. But. I... am enjoying this...

I don't know

I'm still unattached enough to leave. That won't last. I am afraid of the future if I get attached to a *fucking DJ* who seems to have made out with every girl he has met when I had to work SO HARD to kiss him once

There will always be a hundred exes and a hundred one night stands and a hundred knowing glances and... it's just so not me and my lifestyle

I want unanxious commitment. I'm tired of wondering. I'm tired of feeling this way. Sure the honesty is appreciated, but also

He says things just to look better. And forgets conversations or events that happened between us pretty fast...

Ugh

Ugh

I don't know

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

....oof I am concerned

Driving up that first night I knew I was in over my head, that I could get hurt. But then he was so kind and sweet and affectionate and wanted to pace things and... I stopped worrying

But. Now I feel it. I already am starting to think of him as my boyfriend and we haven't talked about that and... on the one hand I'm pretty sure that's what he wants. He started this whole thing (even BEFORE we got together) talking about his relationship needs. Slowed things down because he wanted to do *this* right. Keeps making references to how he hasn't connected with other people like me, making plans for trips together two months from now, etc etc.

I still don't fully understand why he keeps asking *me* why I might think we've bonded so well so quickly. I need to flip that question the next time. Or one of the times he stops us mid-any sort of touch to ask what I'm thinking or feeling. I can't tell if there's an answer he's looking for?

It's just hard because he keeps asking in moments when I'm suddenly overwhelmed with this wave of feeling SO connected or safe or in love, and it still is WAY too soon to be feeling that. And with whatever energy thing he does, maybe he feels it, I don't know, but I don't feel ready to just say 'hey I'm insane and we've BARELY been dating a month so I'm not sure if this is limerance or do I love you? Because... this? This.

Omfg holding him close when he takes his shirt off? I can't feel where I end. Also... he's *hot* hot. Not 'ooh I assumed he'd be skinny I love a skinny nerd' hot. But... like... beautiful. I don't have better language like how a gay Greek sculpture would carve a woman... still too broad, too muscular, but also delicate with lines that flow so softly at the same time. When he wouldn't take his shirt off at first, I assumed there was something to feel a little self conscious about? But. Damn.

Getting sick this weekend I know was probably for the best this needed a short pause. I needed a second of reset. I've gotten to clean some. But also I need to think about what I really want here. Because... I'm beginning to veer into a girlfriend lane with a guy who *has said* some red flag stuff.

Why have there been SO MANY "girlfriends?" What is different now? Because there's no way I have anything they didn't.

Is he monogamous now? I *know* he's jealous. How does he define monogamous for himself? Why was he so comfortable putting the blame of the Ey./Sa. on her? If his friend was making the girl he was with uncomfortable why wasn't he more protective?

Also why does he hide when he's with someone that shit is weird. That scoots up. That feels very Matthew a year in to me. 'No I love you I want to be with you but what will *insert rando* think you know'. No, it's because you want to look single.

Is it a fear of commitment? Or does he like his options?

He just seems too comfortable lying. But then his memory doesn't seem great so...

Also he is ALWAYS drinking. And I know right now that is pot-kettle but still.

And not that it's bad, but I don't enjoy hearing SO MUCH about his exes or past sexual experiences. Nor do I really want to talk about mine. I am not day-to-day jealous, but I hate having to be fake in conversations, pretending to be chill and fine like we're talking about movies while he describes his ex squirting on him. But, again, it's like when Matthew and I first got together I feel like I'll sound immature and inexperienced and uncool for not wanting to know.

I dunno. I need to get my head on right and refocus.

I get the sense some of his complaints about others tell on him a little. When he complained about people's partners being clingy, I assumed I should take note and give him space. Instead, he definitely seems like the 'I want you where I am' 'yeah I saw you last night what are you doing tonight?' type. Which I don't hate... but... I'd built up my expectations based on what he said.

Then the complaints about Da. exaggerating his title or accomplishments at work, then pointing out that a guy *might* feel like he had to if he was intimidated by a girl. With all his one detail off stories.

Just... no matter how right it feels when it feels right right now? I need to stop myself from getting too attached.

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

He says I smell different one day, that my neck tastes a little different (things I'd never thought of). I say I'd thrown on a random body oil a friend mades instead of one of my normal perfumes, it's not really one of my *going out* smells since its not really "pretty" or especially feminine so I probably hadn't worn it around him.

He asks what it is - I say I don't remember exactly, I know what she calls it, that I just found the scent kind of safe and comforting because the tobacco oil in it reminds me of the smell of pipe tobacco at my Uncle John's house when I was a kid. We talk about scented body care, we move on.

The next time I see him, I lean in to hug him, and he's since started using a beard oil or aftershave or something with tobacco oil in it. So when I pull him close I get that same safe, comforting smell.

It's these little things. So insanely thoughtful. So attentive. So incredibly kind.

...the more he does this kind of shit the more I feel out of my element. I don't know how to respond to the guy who plans out the whole day, who puts my needs first and takes my needs into account when making decisions. Who *plans weekend vacations* who cooks meals who makes me wait while he takes me on dates.

I just expect a shoe to drop. When do you tell me the long-con here? This can't really be this good. Ugh.

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

The way he takes control of me

Uses my hair like reigns

How soft, gentle, how he can just take and move me without ever forcing or hurting

It's other fucking worldly

I kept touching near his pelvis, his pubic hair, mostly just wanting to fuck him. But once he put my hand *on* his dick? Jesus

It's... HUGE. Soft and warm and... beautiful? It's WAY too big to fit inside me jfc... but we'll burn that bridge when we get to it...

His continued insistence on *simmering down* I assumed was based around ED. But... christ... no... he's always ROCK HARD and I just want to spend an hour feeling him in every way from every angle

His rhythm, as expected, was incredible. But the moment his hand connected, that clear perfect crack sound from his sharp slap, realizing he wanted what I wanted. He wanted to control, to hurt and please. To inflict the smallest amount of pain and explore sensations. It was incredible to realize, in his words, "we get along" like that

That I could turn off and just be present

I drove up telling myself I knew there was a solid chance I was about to get hurt. That I was about to agree to a friends with benefits situation.

But everything he said last night, up to and including refusing to have sex with me because this is too important and he really likes me and he wants to start things right...

It's going fast. But. I DO really like him.

When we were talking about his fossils he found, and he then talked about "testing" potential girlfriends by showing them a cool rock, then scooping me up and saying "so far so good" like.... I don't think he's negotiating friends with benefits. Especially since he let me sleep in his bed and made me breakfast and still denied me most of the benefits (I didn't take myself because omg)

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

I have never been kissed like that in my entire life

The only things that have ever allowed me to totally lose myself like that are music, dancing... occasionally sex and moments of food. But... fuck. Good god.

If I felt disappointed time didn't stop when we first touched, when we first kissed, there we go. Gravity off, he somehow had total control of my body in that moment

I've kind of wondered, with him being so sweet, how he'd even be sexually. Apparently the answer was that kind of pleasure dom, make you do what he wants without even asking because your body is at such attention type. And... holyyy fuuuck I wanted to fuck him right then in his car

And he then says... why don't you come over tomorrow? And, yes motherfucker why don't I

It's still freaking me out a little that I don't know how exclusive this is. But. I don't want to not do it sooo...

Oh my god I want to feel him so fucking bad...

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

sorry for acting batshit crazy I was feeling a little unwanted

[opiumpoisonjasminerose]

This is... I hate how my feelings are so overshadowed by the fears Matthew put into my heart

No man will love me

No man loves the woman he has

The ill he speaks of any other woman must be a bad sign, one that he actually is obsessed and lying

He probably just SEEMS like he's interested, but is playing this act with other girls too

That's why he hasn't *made things official* yet

....even though we've only just kissed twice, two days ago. And I do everything I can to push him away and make him feel unneeded

And it's not like I'm naming the elephant. Or making plans. I'm taking a far backseat.

And shutting down in sexy conversations

Getting the friend request from Heather threw me. I *think* that's the ex he was talking about? Maybe? So...

Did I just show up in her recommendations because Joe and Eyal are friends with me? And were ig friends? Or should I be... more concerned?

Or is this cute like his boss mentioning "whenever he mentions my name" like.... aww he mentions my name? Or him introducing me to his friends and making sly comments about how late he *somehow* was up after our date ran into the wee hours. Does she know about me because I've been mentioned to someone?

I know I've wanted to say *something* - like tonight, while being asked why I was out alone, told how I should be with someone... wanting to say 'I'm not ALONE my person just ran a night last night fuck off'

I can do the fuck off just fine without context... but... I like my possible context it makes me happy to think about

I just... I wish I understood him better. Wish I knew what he wanted. When he talks this big game about wanting a woman he can respect... really? Or does he want to take care of someone again? Does he want slutty or composed?

Because he certainly makes me *feel* slutty. And if he needs me to push things I can

I need my ingrown hairs to heal so I can get a wax jfc. I need to clean in case we need to come back here