onthenewesthorizon

[onthenewesthorizon]

My Personal Struggle with Weight Loss

R.

Growing up, I was always the 'fat one.' I was that the youngest sibling but still the heavier one. I was eating all of the same food as my friends and exercised twice as hard as them in P.E., but I was still heavier than all of them. I've been hyper-aware of my weight since I was young. I distinctly remember walking down the hallway of my elementary school in the second grade. I was in line with all of my other classmates when I first came to the realization that I was heavier than most of them. This observation clung in the back of my mind and festered and evolved into a great insecurity of mine. There have been several points in my life where fighting this insecurity felt like a ninety-degree upward battle.

I am the type of person who constantly analyzed and investigating my life. I'm constantly on a hunt, looking for problems I need to weed out. When it came to my insecurities surrounding my weight, the most obvious solution was to lose weight. I immediately began asking my mom to purchase workout CDs. She bought CD after CD in hopes that it would encourage both of us on our journey to healthier living. The exercise was great. However, it was rare that I saw results. I didn't understand food. I knew nothing of caloric surpluses or deficiencies or carbs versus protein. I was exercising every night but eating improperly. Since I didn't understand healthy eating, I didn't understand my lack of progress and I felt discouraged. There were bouts of internal encouragement to exercise, but overall, I felt defeated.

For years I struggled with my weight despite changing my diet, participating in Weight Watchers, and exercise. Eventually, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My diagnosis allowed me to understand the reasons behind some of my struggles with losing weight. However, the insecurity persisted. Through the years it only grew and held my very being. My insecurity bred desperation. By my sophomore year of high school, I'd turned to unsavory methods of weight loss. I was restricting my calorie intake to 700cal or less per day. In my attempt to avoid food, it became the only thing that I thought about. When is the next time I'll eat? What'll be my excuse if I can't eat? How many calories are in this? Well, what about that? What if I can't figure out the number of calories in it? I was terrified of food and the possibility of gaining weight. Luckily, my fear of food and desperation to be skinny didn't completely overcome me. After plenty of therapy and medication, I was able to re-ground myself. I was able to establish a new healthier relationship with myself and food.

After having such a negative experience with food, I actively avoided focusing on my weight. My weight was still an insecurity of mine but, I knew that I could not allow myself to become as consumed with it as much as I had been. I took this time to focus on caring for myself in ways that did not require me to focus on my weight. During this time, I began losing weight slowly and naturally.

In caring for myself, I'd altered my eating and exercise habits. I hadn't changed anything with calories in mind - it was solely about consuming the nutrients I need. I've adjusted my goals. I'm no longer focused on losing 'X' pounds by 'X' date. This is a slow process and I've realized that if I take care of myself properly, my weight will likely fall.

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