onerebuplic

[onerebuplic]

I think I still get afraid of asking people for things and so I try to play it back or act casual but all it does is alienate people and make me seem like I don’t care or truly want it?

[onerebuplic]

There’s not really a straightforward or easy answer to all of this

[onerebuplic]

I’m not sure where I can move (public transportation, VR job availability, etc.)

Not sure when I can move (aka saving enough money to visit places or cover moving expenses)

Not sure how health/dental insurance will work out wherever I end up unless I get a job there first

Not sure when it’s smart to look for a place in Bend

With the loan payments and living expenses, I’m about $10,000 short of where I want to be

It’s tricky timing because

1) my driving time is limited and my car is costing more to maintain

2) idk how my parents will react if I come out

3) I can’t work this job remotely but renting in Bend is expensive

4) health and dental insurance are important now

5) VR requires time to find a job placement

[onerebuplic]

that wasn’t your last chance

[onerebuplic]

I felt good parts of me waking up for the first time in years last night

[onerebuplic]

I’m a bit convinced I wasn’t meant to reach this age

[onerebuplic]

I think part of what I’m running into is that there is a limit to how much growth and healing I can do when I’m still living/reliant on my parents.

Yes VR and the Source are in the picture, but that doesn’t change how my living situation makes me feel.

Plus, Bend is not built for people like me. I’m not really even supposed to be driving this much, but I don’t have a real choice right now.

I guess it’s all a matter of patience but it’s incredibly hard when you don’t have a solid idea of when things are going to change.

I constantly feel the urge to burn everything down again and leave, but I don’t because it’s not good timing yet- I still have expenses like my loan and medical bills that I want to avoid paying myself if I can.

I just really miss my friends and community in San Diego and I’m having trouble adjusting to this new climate and lifestyle in the place I never wanted to come back to in the first place.

On top of that, it’s challenging right now because Justice is out of town and I don’t know how to make more friends.

I figure once I get this Vyvanse prescription filled, I can look into a Juniper membership and starting stuff like physical therapy- it’ll depend on how soon I can see a PCP I guess

[onerebuplic]

I'm feeling a sense of strength and protectiveness that I haven't felt in a long time?

[onerebuplic]

I am still learning how to talk about what happened to me

[onerebuplic]

there is such a huge gap between where I am and where I want to be

and yes it’s getting smaller especially over the last few weeks but

it’s daunting and I’m scared the rest of my life is going to be about trying to catch up and failing

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I want to be in shape. I want to learn to dance again. I want to be strong. I want to finish PT so my EDS and scapular issues don’t keep holding me back.

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I feel so fat and weak and it feels insurmountable because of the time and energy and money and driving it’ll take to get to where I Want to be

[onerebuplic]

-even if my parents weren’t crazy:

I still need to prepare for the RP and not being able to drive.

-even if the RP wasn’t an issue and I could drive:

I still wasn’t financially stable enough to make it in San Diego because I hadn’t resolved or figured out how to live with my disorders (mostly mental) or trauma responses, so it was important to see Linda and do EMDR

-even if I had been making money and figuring out how to be functional:

I needed a break from the body dysmorphia and envy and toxic attachments

-even if I was making money, and functional, and working out, and maintaining good boundaries with people:

I was lonely and falling into substance abuse and partying too much

I was not coping well with everything

[onerebuplic]

VR to NYC to RP cure to making movies/game

meanwhile:

eye doctor/OHSU

PT/rehab exercises

dentist

weightlifting/calisthenics

gogo/pole dancing

[onerebuplic]

lost the battle but going to win the war

[onerebuplic]

it’s just such a sad story

[onerebuplic]

I’m not “getting defensive” I’m just picking up on your vibes

[onerebuplic]

I’m simultaneously:

grieving and coming to terms with the white supremacy/colonialist influence behind my mainstreaming as a hard of hearing kid (isolation from deaf culture, community, etc. and focus on my ability to work and fit in)

grieving and coming to terms with my abandonment wounds (emotional absence/negligence, especially starting with trying to come out, 2016/2020 radicalization, gaslighting, covid and racism denialism, blindness and trauma left unprocessed)

grieving and coming to terms with my RP (uncertain future, unstable finances/career, having to leave San Diego and stop driving)

grieving and coming to terms with leaving San Diego and the reality of my dysfunction and instability as well as the need for community and support

dealing with anxiety and stress about limited job/career options and the impending doom from loan payments

dealing with grief and anxiety when dealing with my design skill gaps and struggling with my vision more and more

grieving and coming to terms with my ADHD and depression and how they factored into trauma and loss and made college harder

grieving and coming to terms with the damage my parents went through and unknowingly passed on to me and my brother

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dealing with body and digestion issues, malabsorption, fatigue

dealing with body dysmorphia, weakness, sexual dysfunction

dealing with EDS, neck/shoulder issues, scapular issues, and PT/rehab process

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envying my gay peers, missing my friends

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all while having to pretend I’m not dealing with any of this so I can seem functional and not risk conflict or getting cut off

[onerebuplic]

I don’t know how to get to where I need/want to be and it’s driving me crazy