once-upon-helluvaboss

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

Posting this so my blog doesn't die.

Do you want to know anything about my au of the characters or something? Or want to ask or need something clarified cuz I'm willing to share!

#anti stolas #helluva boss rewrite

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

Western Energy Rewrite

An elevator door opened on the top floor of aptly named ‘Richest Cup Cafe’, inside was an imp server and Stolas with Stella holding onto his arm.

“Right this way.” The imp said leading to the two to their private seating. The imp opened the more or less soundproof curtain and pulled back the two seats for the birds.

As Stella and Stolas sat the imp set down two menus, “ Another server will be back soon for your orders soon, " The said before giving a bow and leaving two to themselves.

Stella’s face dropped almost immediately after the imp was gone, giving a small huff and turning her head away from Stolas as he sighed.

After a moment of silence Stolas sighed, rubbing his head. “I don’t know why you insisted we come so early…” Stolas commented, rubbing his head.

“I always like to be early, you know hectic traffic can become! I bet you just wanted to try to get a quickie with that imp!” Stella accused,

“What, no it's not that at all! It's just– oh why do I bother?” Stolas sighed as he relented, not wanting another argument as he took off his hat to rub his temples.

“Maybe we should have left a bit later so you wouldnt look like such a mess!” She responded, it was true Stolas hadn't exactly taken the best care of himself as of late.

“Ugh I swear the only reason I haven't divorced your sorry ass already is because we both know you’d be hopeless without me!” She huffed as she began digging through her small handbag.

Despite the size of it never ceased to amaze Stolas just how much fit in the purse as Stella threw out a lamp,bouquet, and small dog all while looking for a brush.

“Come here,” Stella said finally finding the brush before reaching over the table and grabbed Stolas’s face pulling him close to brush his feather back.

Stolas couldn't stop himself from blushing. You would think that with everything going on Stella would have tried to discreetly rip a few of his feathers out, but she simply brushed his feathers and combed through them with her fingers as tenderly as she always had.

Stolas closed his eyes at the soothing feeling, reminding him of when Octavia was young. How he and Stella would cuddle with their daughter between them. Back then his only worry was what they were getting for breakfast the next morning.

Finally Stella let go of him and they both sat back in their seats. He felt happy seeing the slight blush across her pale feathers, for a moment he felt like this was just a date and that they'd be entangled with each other when they got home. For a moment he felt as if everything was okay.

Suddenly they curtain shot open and there stood Andrealphus, Stella’s older brother and the two were quickly reminded why they were here.

“Stella, oh hello my darling sister!” He said coming towards her with a hug that she happily received.

He then stood up and turned to Stolas, “Hello Stolas.” He said a sly smile plastered on his face.

“Andrealphus.” Stolas grimached.

“Now that I’m here, let's not beat around the bush shall we?” Andrealphus said in the same sly tone.

“Agreed.” Stella said as an imp server walked in putting a tiny imp on the table along with a kettle and teacups for the birds.

“Stella, he has nothing to do with us, why did you insist on him being here?!” Stolas groaned

Before Stella could get a word in, the window breaks, revealing Striker posing on a table. He discards his poncho and twirls two angelic revolvers in his hands. He fires one and the bullet hits the window near Stolas' head. Stella looks on a bit shocked as Stolas dodges more bullets. He changes his form and tries to fly out toward the exit. Striker wraps Stolas in glowing white rope before he can escape. Stolas falls to the ground in an alley, captured.

“Lovely, just lovely…” He groaned

_______________________________________________

On the highway Blitzo is driving the I.M.P. van, with Moxxie and Millie in the back and a fearful Loona next to Blitzo. Blitz's phone lets out a bird ringtone.

“Oh, shit. Stolas! It's really not a good time, man…”

“Sorry it's a bad time yet again. But, I seem to have found myself in a bit of a struggle. I'm tied to the back of a horse at the moment.” Stolas responded with an exasperated sigh.

“Pfft...lucky bitch.” Blitzo responded

“Rather unlucky actually, I seem to have been stolen by that little cowboy friend of yours!” Said annoyed that Blitzo wasn't taking him seriously.

“Ohh, which one?” Blitzo responded monotone again.

“How many cowboy friends do you have? What does he look like, your highness?” Moxxie asked.

Stolas glances up at Striker's grinning face. “Umm… he has a shiny gold tooth?” Stolas shrugged.

“That's Striker, sir!” Moxxie exclaims

“Oh, for fuck's sake! A– wait can't you just get away? With that big demon form thing?”

“Believe I would have if it wasn't for this blessed rope, he’s bound me in! So, do you think you could come give me a hand!?” Stolas exclaimed as he began to worry more wondering where he was being hauled off to.

“Oh, shit. Stolas, I can't today, alright? I'm sorry. I-I'm literally on my way to take Loona in for her very important Hellbies s-h-o-t.” Blitzo spelled out glancing nervously at a frightened Loona. “It takes years to book an appointment at this place, it took five to get this one. So, you know- eh, and she's been doing a lot of field work. So, you know, she needs it! Plus your royalty you probably have like a bajillion guards coming to get you anyway!”

“But they won't-" Before Stolas could finish Striker swipes the phone away with his tail. “Would you shut up already? I can hear you, y’know!”

“Don't worry about your lanky bird...he's in good hands.” Striker smiles before crushing the phone

“Shit.” Stolas cursed.

“Gaaagh, damn it!” Blitzo squeezes his phone in his hand. He moves the clutch forward and the van speeds down the highway.

“Sir, let me and Moxxie handle this one.” Millie says

“Are you sure you two got this alone?” Blitzo asked

“We got it, sir! Together, we are a lethal combo. Not to mention we both have a score to settle with that dickhead!” Moxxie responds as Millie places a cowboy hat onto Moxxie's head.

“Alright. Well, hurry. Stolas sounds like he might be in real shit this time.” Blitzo says as he pulls up to the tall Fd. An's Hospital main building.

“And knowing that guy's aesthetic, my money's on Wrath.” Blitzo continues as he drops the car keys into Moxxie's hand, before pulling Loona out of the van and carrying her over his head.

“Now, get your asses down there and look for some cowboy crap or something.” He yells as Moxxie drives the van away.

“Come on, Loonie. Come on, this will be over lickety-split, alright?” Blitzo assures as she pushes the door open and drags Loona inside by her tail.

“Of all the days for him to get his stupid feathered-ass kidnapped...I have waited five fucking years for this appointment! FUCK ME IN MY LITTLE RED HOLE!” He yells before Blitzo glances over to a mother giving him a quick dirty look her kid on a leash next to her

“Hi. The fuck you looking at?” He says as the woman rolls her eyes.

Blitzo walks up to the desk toward a nurse from the sloth ring. “Heya, toots. I'm here for that S-H-O-T for my Loonie Toonie.” Blitzo laughs as Loona growls from behind, seeing a nearby poster shows a hound with a needle in its back that reads ‘Get yours today or else!’

“The what?” The nurse says blinking one eye at a time.

Blitzo groans “The bullshit that my daughter has to get every year that you mother fuckers only allow us to schedule every five years. How the fuck you fuck up that bad, anyway?” he says, writing down his name on the clipboard's paper.

“Oh, I can't spell.” The nurse says as Blitzo pushes the clipboard to her. “I can't read, either.”

Blitzo groans again, “The fucking Hellbies shot you fucking re-” Blitzo paused clenching his fists before continuing. “The appointment is under Blitzo” He continued gritting his teeth.

The nurse flips through a notebook full of appointments. “Uhhh... I don't see any Blitz on the list.” She says tapping the clipboard.

“With an "o", it's silent…” Blitzo hissed.

The nurse flips the notebook over “OH! An "o" right here. Yep, yep! Blitzoooo, Blitzooo”. She says as Blitzo's eye twitches as he seethes in anger.

“Yes, we'll be ready for her in just a bit. Please take a seat, Mr. O.” Blitzo sighs as he accidently reveals the pistol hidden in his shirt and the mother glares at him.

He simply rolls his eyes as he takes a seat, “Of all things to worry about in hell!” He says glaring back at the mother,

Blitzo glances at Loona who is whimpering in fear under three chairs. “Oh, don't worry, Loonie. It's okay, it's just one little prick, you won't even feel it!” He says hoping to calm her.

“Ew, don't say that, it sounds vulgar!” The mother says

“What? Vulgar?” Blitzo says, looking back to the woman.

“Pervert!” Se exclaims

_______________________________________________

Striker continues galloping on his horse with Stolas tied up behind him, as the cowboy's theme song begins.

♫ He's galloping over the dusty plains ♫

♫ Even the cacti know his name ♫

♫ If you don't want to die, don't cross his path ♫

♫ The best assassin in the Ring of Wrath ♫

♫ He's Striker! He's Striker! ♫

♫ Sure-shootin', darn-tootin', his name is Striker ♫

♫ Gonna bring that bird back to his lair ♫

♫ With his magic rope and Western flair ♫

♫ He's very good at causing pain ♫

♫ And he loves to ride on the choo-choo- ♫

Striker glares at the mariachi quartet imps before they can say "train".

♫ Dirty-dealin', prince-stealin' ♫

♫ He's a villain, Striker! ♫

♫ He's fast and strong and tall and mean ♫

♫ The foulest imp you've ever seen ♫

♫ He'll break your bones to hear 'em crunch ♫

♫ He likes to eat pâté for lunch ♫

♫ He's Striker, hmm, ye-ye-yeah ♫

♫ He's Striker ♫

The last imp extends the notes, much to Striker's annoyance.

♫ He's Striker, he- ♫

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M TRYIN' TO DO MY FUCKING JOB! YOU COMIN' IN HERE SINGING ABOUT ME FOR THE MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, YOU FUCKIN' FREAKS!” Striker screams as the terrified mariachi impulses quietly ride away in the cart.

“How does one get their own theme song?” Stolas asks.

“Trust me ya’ don’t want one!” He hisses back.

_______________________________________________

Back in the waiting room Blitzo tries to converse in his boredom “Soooo, nice weather we're having, huh?”

“Hey mommy, is he one of those fire toads you told me about?” The kid asks innocently pointing to Blitzo

“The fuck did you just call me?” Blitzo growls

“It's not polite to call them that to their face, honey. Wait until we're in the car.” The mother says patting him on his head

“You got a problem with me, cunt?” Blitzo responds

“There is a child present, you filthy Imp!” The woman says, covering her son's ears.

“I may be an imp, but I aint filthy! Oh also, my kid's here, too, and I don't think she would appreciate you calling her father..."things". Also this is literally hell, your son's heard worse!” Blitzo said, gritting his teeth again.

“Is there any way we can reschedule for a time when less of the unemployed rabble are out?” The mothers asks the nurse.

“Oh, please. I bet the hardest work you've ever done is convincing your husband that little shit's his!” She yelled pointing to the kid whose eyes began to water.

“Oh, yeah? And what do you do that's so important?” She asks rolling her eyes

“Me? Oh, I kill people. How does a two for one special sound, whore?”Blitzo says, pulling out his flintlock pistol and pointing it at her.

“Ahem Mr. O, the doc will see your hound now.” The nurse causes Blitzo to drop the mother and he strangles before grabbing Loona and heading into the room blowing a raspberry behind him.

_______________________________________________

Somewhere in the desert Moxxie and Millie pull up to a gas station “Crumbs! I'll grab the gas. Millie, go and see if anyone's seen Striker anywhere.” Moxxie said as he stepped out of the car, soon a biker gang pulled up. One of them noticed Moxxie.

“Hey, queer boy! You stealin' my hat?” One of them yells.

“Where else would you find a homophobe but hell?” Moxxie mumbles under his breath

“Hey I’m talking to you!” The biker yelled, making Moxxie turn.

“What?” Moxxie said

“Same hat.” The biker said, pointing to his hat identical to Moxxies.

“Oh, um sorry? My wife just put this hat on my head. You know, because it was...hot...outside..” Moxxie responded nervously.

The biker gets into Moxxie's face. “Saaame. Haaat.”

“So, we're doing this now, huh?” Moxxie sighs.

As Millie looks around the gas station she finds a mariachi band,“Howdy, boys! Y'all seen this motherfucker riding around here?” Millie says showing the band a drawing of Striker firing a gun. As Moxxie fights the bikers near the pumps.

“♫ He's galloping- ♫” The quartet begins.

“No, NO! No singing! Just a yes or no, please.” Moxxie sighs.

One of the quartet imps cough, “Yeah, he lives out by the Badman Lands, in the old train tunnel near the mine shafts, ya can't miss it.” The second member says.

Moxxie rides on the biker leader's back and slams the biker's head on the door. He slams the biker's head through one of the van windows. He swipes his credit card before avoiding the biker's attacks, before taking the gas nozzle and wrapping it around the biker's throat. He then pulls the biker down, puts the nozzle in the tank and leans against the van with his phone with a sigh.

“Thank you, kindly. Come on, Mox! We got a lead!” Millie says as she and Moxxie get back in the van. Moxxie speeds forward, taking off the biker's head and exploding the gas station.

_______________________________________________

In Striker's hideout where he's tied up Stolas upside down on some railroad tracks. Stolas opens his eyes and spots Striker nearby using a whetstone to sharpen a Blessed Knife.

“So, my wife paid you for this? Wouldn't a holy bullet have sufficed?” Stolas sighed.

“I was paid to give you the real royal treatment; your wife must REALLY hate you.” Striker chuckled

“Mphm” Stolas sighed “So. Train tracks? Really? Seems a bit clichéd, doesn't it?” Stolas said, trying to calm himself.

“It's a classic. What can I say!” Striker chuckled again.

“Is the giant statue of yourself also a 'classic' or...?” Stolas said looking up to a statue in front of Striker that has him grinning with a giant erection.

Striker growls throwing the whetstone at the statue. “Ugh those fucking mariachi freaks put it up! Havent had the fucking chance to take it down!” He growls glaring up at it.

“I'm just impressed you seem to have such dedicated fans.” Stolas responded

“I call 'em' stalkers, but to each town!” Striker said as he walked up and stabbed Stolas with the now sharpened knife.

“AAAGH!” Stolas yells as Striker cuts him down.

“What the hell! I thought we were having a conversation!” Stolas coughed

“Listen, I'm just doing my job, nothing personal.” Striker laughed as Stolas tried to petrify him with his eyes.

“Don't bother trying to use your little eye trick on me; those ropes ain't gonna let you do a thing.” Striker laughed, stepping on Stolas's open wound.

“Well, you seem to be forgetting; You're dealing with royalty, I’ll have someone get me out of this one way or another!” Stolas declares kicking Striker in the face

Striker grabs Stolas's ankle and Striker lifts up his foot and stomp on Stolas's leg and breaks it.

Stolas grunts trying his best not to show his pain, “Blitzo handles me rougher than that in bed; nice try!”

Put off by this, Striker stabs Stolas in the leg. “And his knife is bigger... and hits sooooo much deeper.” Stolas chuckles meekly.

“Being a smartass hmm?” Striker asks, grabbing Stolas by his hair feathers. “Cause, once I split your neck open and let you choke on your own blue blood, you won't be worth any more than the tombstone you'll be buried under.” Striker threatens holding his blessed knife at the back of Stolas’s neck.

“Blitzo says far more dirtier things to me with much sharper objects at my throat.” Angered with Stolas' refusal to give in, Striker throws him to the ground, “Alright birdy, now it's personal!”

Back at Fd. An's Hospital, Blitzo and Loona are inside the doctor's office.

“Welcome, Bingo. And this must be Tuna.” A demon doctor named Somna says.

“Loona, yeah. And you can hurry up, please; she isn't a fan of shots. So, let's make this quick for all our sake.” Blitzo warns

“Oho! Come, now; she can't be that bad! I see hellhounds every day; there hasn't been one that has caused any issues!” Dr.Somna assures before pulling out a comically oversized syringe; Loona immediately growls and lunges at him. Blitzo quickly grabs the doctor and gets him out of the way.

“Told ya’, dipshit.”

In Andrealphus's mansion in the Pride Ring. Andrealphus and Stella are having tea and Andrealphus creates several ice cubes, stirring them into his drink.

“So, earlier. That assassin.Was that you~?” Adrealphus says playfully

“Guilty~. Yes, it was.” Stella as a mix of emotions bubbled in her chest.

“You silly minx, you! I told you all we needed one more try and now he’ll be out of feathers forever!” Andrealphus giggles.

Stella paused for a moment before gulping her hot tea, “B-but maybe I should call it off!” Stella yelled out.

Andrealphus nearily spits out his tea, “Now why in the seven circles would you want that?! He’s embarrassed you and your daughter, and descarsied your marriage, all while sleeping with an imp no less! I mean if it were me he would've been long gone!” Andrealphus huffed.

Stella began to twiddle her fingers “Ah, well… I just realised it wouldn't exactly turn out that well.” Stella started

“He'll be dead; why wouldn't it turn out well? Don’t tell you've grown sympathy for that imp sucker.” Andrealphus said rolling his eyes

“What– noooo obviously not! It's just that…. I've already produced an heir; when he dies, his duties, his possessions, his legions, it'll all pass to.... Octavia!”

Andrealphus absentmindedly continues to drink without acknowledging her.

“If Skriker killed him, I would....”

“Laugh? Ha-” Andrealphus said.

“I'd get nothing! Even if he somehow hasn't realised I sent an assassin after him, w-we haven't talked about wills meaning in any case Octavia is the de facto inheritor! And if she finds out I was the one who killed her father I doubt she’ll want to share!” Stella yelled

Andrealphus paused and put a hand on his chin. “Mm I must admit dear sister you're more than your face! But in that case what do you suggest we do? But we’ve already gone quite far, if this gets out we’d be in trouble you know, so have any ideas?” He asked, standing up from his chair and coming closer to him.

Stella bit her nail avoiding her brother's eyes “Hmm. W-well, I'm not sure. But I do know we can't do much if he’s dead, but with him alive, we have options. Plus he has some desire to rekindle our relationship so he’d probably keep quiet. So I think it's best we bide our time and wait for an opportunity…”

“Oohhhhhh, but I- we want him dead so badly!” Andrealphus pouted. “But I see what you mean, my fiery vixen.” He continues as briefly cups Stella's face with a single hand. He grabs his icy blue customized rotary phone and sets in Stella's hand, “Go ahead call off your mangy stray.” He says walking out the room leaving Stella to stare at the phone in her hand.

_______________________________________________

Back at Striker's hideout, he throws Stolas down while circling him. Leaving Stolas panting and whimpering in pain.

“Well, this has been fun, but every good thing has to come to an end. Shame you won't see your kid again.” Striker sighs sarcastically.

“Don't you dare breathe a word about my daughter!” Stolas huffed angrily.

“Ohh, finally hit a nerve, huh?” Striker laughed.

“I swear, if you go near her, I will destroy you!” Stolas yelled

Striker stabs Stolas in the shoulder again. “Big talk. But, just that. Any last words, Goetia?” He says holding the knife dangerously close to his face.

“Blitzo will-”

“That rodeo clown told you he ain't coming; Nobody is coming.” Striker laughs maniacally.

As Striker raises the knife up to stab Stolas through the heart, he hears his phone ringing.

He groans as he picks up the call from Stella, “Listen dollface, I told you if ya’ wanted a tape that would be extra. Not to mention I’m at the end of the show!” Striker holding the phone with his shoulder to keep a grip on Stolas's collar.

“Mm, change of plans, darling. I need him alive.” Stella sighed.

Striker looks annoyed and shifts his gaze between the wounds on Stolas and his knife. Striker throws Stolas on the ground before sitting on him as he continues his call.

“I'm kind of in the middle of finishing him off.” Striker responds as Stolas tries to speak but Striker uses his tail to muffle him.

“Well, don’t. We need him alive to– ah get some affairs in order. I promise I'll pay at least two times extra, I just need you to spare him and bring him to me."

“Ugh, and you wondered why I charge spousal fee’s!” Striker exclaims.

“I know, I know. Just– do what I ask and you will be generously compensated!” Stella assured.

“Yes ma’am.” Striker groans rolling his eyes.

“Good.” Stella says with a sigh of relief as she hangs up the call.

Striker growls and smashes his phone against a rock. “Well, good news for you, Feathers. Dolly said she don't want you dead no more!” Stolas sighed in relief before Skriker continued, “But, she didn't say what condition you had to be in.” He smiles as he grabs Stolas and hovers his knife near the prince's eyes.

“I think these reds might be a pretty trophy; can't have you seeing me again, can we?” He says all to cheerily.

Suddenly a car horn is heard in the distance; Striker gets up and growls while looking for the source. Parts of the cavern ceiling give away and the I.M.P van breaks through, tumbling down an embankment and as the van comes to a stop, the door opens with Moxxie aiming a rifle at Striker.

Striker dodges several bullets and throws his knife into the rifle, causing another bullet to ricochet around the cavern and strike a nearby boom box that begins playing. As Striker pulls out two revolvers, Millie attacks him with a longsword from behind; Striker takes the sword and Millie charges with a katana while Moxxie attacks with two revolvers of his own. All three fight to a standstill and the long sword breaks, with the tip landing in the boombox. Striker is surprised by the song it switches to, but quickly disregards it as Moxxie and Millie double team him with a battle axe.

In the hospital the doctor ends up getting slammed into a bin of used needles, screaming in pain while Striker kicks Moxxie down and pins Millie to a rock with her axe back in the hideout. He notices Moxxie still moving and lassos a nearby stalagmite and slams it into Moxxie's back. As Striker goes in for the kill, Loona is pinned to the ground by Blitzo who motions to Dr. Somna to give her the shot. The doctor hurriedly sticks the shot in Loona's rear, causing her to howl in pain and rage, and bucks Blitzo off her, creating a small crater on the clinic floor.

Striker sees Moxxie reaching for his pistol “Oh, I remember how easy it is to choke the life out of you, little one.” He says pinning Moxxie on the ground and begins choking him.

“Ohhhh, harder.” Moxxie says weakly.

Striker falters before laughing. “Keep it in your pants!” He laughs again before Moxxie kicks Striker's legs out from under him and lassos Striker by the neck, spinning him around and throwing him to the ground.

“Heh, having fun with your first time on top?!” Striker laughs horsley as he aims a revolver at Moxxie, Millie frees herself and strikes the base of his statue.

Striker looks up to see it falling towards him; he tries to move out of the way, but the statue lands on top of him. As Moxxie approaches it, the smoke clears to see that Striker is gone.

“Fuck!” Moxxie curses as he looks towards Millie seeing her carrying an unconscious Stolas

“Oh, crumbs! We've got to get him to a hospital!” Moxxie yelps as they quickly load him into the van.

A group of reporters stand outside Fd. An's, Blitzo and Loona emerge, the former being beaten up and scratched and the latter with a cone around her neck and holding a lollipop. Moxxie and Millie pull up to the front

“Oh, good. You guys actually managed to-” Before he can finish a horde of medical personnel and reporters trample Blitzo as they rush to the van. Two Plague Doctors open the van door as Millie looks worried as the two put Stolas on the stretcher. Blitzo gets trample again when they wheel Stolas inside. Blitzo gets a passing look at Stolas' tail feathers as they run by him.

“Sir, are you alright?” Moxxie says helping Blitzo up.

“Oh, peachy. Yeah, no. Today has been wonderful; what the fuck was THAT about?” He asks utterly confused

“Striker messed him up, bad.” Millie says worriedly.

“Stolas– what? How?... He got hurt?” Blitzo says worriedly as a defeated Loona saunters towards the van and falls face down in the back seat.

_______________________________________________

Stolas lays in a hospital room recovering from his injuries. A heart monitor was beeping and he is surrounded by many plants; have an IV bag next to him.

Stolas hears his phone buzzing and sees a notification from Blitzo, the former starts scrolling through their prior conversations.

He looked at one from the first night they had slept together.

Stolas: WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT WAS A MISTAKE, AND WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! I RELATIONSHIP IS PURELY PROFESSIONAL FROM HERE ON OUT!

Blitzo: UH COOL

Stolas: AND DON'T BREATHE A WORD ABOUT THIS TO ANYONE!

Blitzo: K WAZNT GOING TOO

Stolas scrolls down past a few conversations.

Stolas: WHILE I THANK YOU FOR TONIGHT, THIS THE LAST TIME THAT WILL HAPPEN!

Blitzo: THATS WHAYT YOU SAID LAST TIME BUTT SUR

He then scrolls down the ones after the night at Ozzie's.

Stolas : ‘I'M SORRY IF ANYTHING I SAID OR DID MAY HAVE OFFENDED YOU TONIGHT.’

Blitzo: ‘ITZ WHATEVS’

Stolas continues to scroll through the conversation .

Stolas : NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER, MAYBE WE CAN TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AT OZZIE'S?”

Blitzo: Y?

Stolas: I'M SORRY! NEVERMIND, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. I WAS JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU. YOU SEEMED VERY UPSET AND YOU TOOK OFF SO FAST. BUT MAYBE I READ TOO MUCH INTO THAT, I'M GLAD IF THAT'S NOT THE CASE. I WASN'T UPSET EITHER, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WEREN'T AND OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN HANDLE ANY STUPID JOKE A CLOWN CAN MAKE. ASMODEUS CAN BE VERY INVASIVE IN HIS HUMOUR, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY MYSELF. WHAT HE SAID ABOUT ME AT LEAST, I ENJOY BEING THE SUBJECT OF JEST. MAYBE YOU CAN SAY MEAN THINGS TO ME TOO NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER. IF YOU WANT?

Blitzo: SHUR

Stolas continues scrolling.

Stolas: THANKS FOR HELPING ME WITH VIA TODAY, YOU WERE GREAT IN THAT HUMAN SHOW!

Blitzo: NO PROBLEMO

Stolas: ARE YOU COMING OVER TONIGHT WITH THE BOOK?

Blitzo: LYKE OLWAYS!

Stolas: IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE COMING, THAT'S OK! I'M SURE I CAN DO WITHOUT IT FOR A MONTH. :)

Blitzo: K

He was soon reaching the bottom of the conversation.

Stolas: DO YOU PLAN TO VISIT TOMORROW? I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN BUSY, AND WORKING HARD. MAYBE IF YOU'D PREFER, WE CAN SKIP THE BEDROOM AND JUST RELAX, MAYBE? I'M SURE YOU NEED A BREAK.

Blitzo: WUTEVR YOU WANT, IT'S YOUR NIGHT.

Stolas: IF YOU'RE NOT UP FOR IT, OR TOO TIRED, THAT'S PERFECTLY FINE. NO PRESSURE, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING WITH THE GRIMOIRE TILL NEXT MONTH.

Blitzo: MAE BEE

Stolas: MAYBE INSTEAD OF OUR USUAL ARRANGEMENT ON THE FULL MOON WE COULD PROPERLY CATCH UP THIS WEEK? MAYBE MONDAY?

Blitzo: I MIGHT BE BUSY

Stolas: I WOULDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU!

Stolas: YOU CAN ALWAYS DROP OFF THE BOOK ON THE FULL MOON AND I CAN LEAVE IT FOR YOU IF YOU ARE TOO TIRED TO DO ANYTHING...

Stolas: BUT, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU.

Blitzo: K I HAAVE TIME FOR A QUICKIE IF YA WANT

Stolas: I CAN LIVE WITH THAT!

And finally there was Blitzo’s most recent texts

Blitzo: GET BETTER SOON :(

He weakly smiles when Blitzo sends a get well soon message.

Stolas: THANK YOU, BLITZ, THAT MEANS A LOT. I MIGHT BE HERE FOR A WHILE, IF YOU EVER WANT TO VISIT.💜

After responding, Stolas sees Blitzo typing a message but does not send it. His smile fades before he looks at other messages.

He clicks a text from his worried father telling him he had seen the news and that he will be there eventually. He laughed meekly at the wording ‘eventually’. His father had several other children and even more grandchildren he was busy with at most times so he didn't expect to see him soon but, it was good to know he cared.

He then looks at some from Octavia he had already responded to, asking if he was okay and telling him she’d be there with her mother. He then checked texts from Stella, he could see she was starting to type something but stopped, he didn't blame her, what could she really say to him?

He finally shuts his phone and rests his head on the pillow drifting into sleep as flower petals fly over his head.

_______________________________________________

Okay so weirdly enough I've actually had this done for like 2 weeks but I only posted now for some reason.

I'd say I changed a fair amount in this one, from changing the beginning with Stolas and Stella and stuff with her and Adrealphus.

And this may be a controversial change but I took out Strikers foreshadowwd trauma with royalty. Idk every other character in this show has trauma so I just didn't see the need to add him into the bunch.

And one last thing, if you have any constructive criticisms or anything you want to ask then please let me know! My askbox is open and I would love to hear what you guys have to say about my stuff.

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

Western Energy Rewrite

An elevator door opened on the top floor of aptly named ‘Richest Cup Cafe’, inside was an imp server and Stolas with Stella holding onto his arm.

“Right this way.” The imp said leading to the two to their private seating. The imp opened the more or less soundproof curtain and pulled back the two seats for the birds.

As Stella and Stolas sat the imp set down two menus, “ Another server will be back soon for your orders soon, " The said before giving a bow and leaving two to themselves.

Stella’s face dropped almost immediately after the imp was gone, giving a small huff and turning her head away from Stolas as he sighed.

After a moment of silence Stolas sighed, rubbing his head. “I don’t know why you insisted we come so early…” Stolas commented, rubbing his head.

“I always like to be early, you know hectic traffic can become! I bet you just wanted to try to get a quickie with that imp!” Stella accused,

“What, no it's not that at all! It's just– oh why do I bother?” Stolas sighed as he relented, not wanting another argument as he took off his hat to rub his temples.

“Maybe we should have left a bit later so you wouldnt look like such a mess!” She responded, it was true Stolas hadn't exactly taken the best care of himself as of late.

“Ugh I swear the only reason I haven't divorced your sorry ass already is because we both know you’d be hopeless without me!” She huffed as she began digging through her small handbag.

Despite the size of it never ceased to amaze Stolas just how much fit in the purse as Stella threw out a lamp,bouquet, and small dog all while looking for a brush.

“Come here,” Stella said finally finding the brush before reaching over the table and grabbed Stolas’s face pulling him close to brush his feather back.

Stolas couldn't stop himself from blushing. You would think that with everything going on Stella would have tried to discreetly rip a few of his feathers out, but she simply brushed his feathers and combed through them with her fingers as tenderly as she always had.

Stolas closed his eyes at the soothing feeling, reminding him of when Octavia was young. How he and Stella would cuddle with their daughter between them. Back then his only worry was what they were getting for breakfast the next morning.

Finally Stella let go of him and they both sat back in their seats. He felt happy seeing the slight blush across her pale feathers, for a moment he felt like this was just a date and that they'd be entangled with each other when they got home. For a moment he felt as if everything was okay.

Suddenly they curtain shot open and there stood Andrealphus, Stella’s older brother and the two were quickly reminded why they were here.

“Stella, oh hello my darling sister!” He said coming towards her with a hug that she happily received.

He then stood up and turned to Stolas, “Hello Stolas.” He said a sly smile plastered on his face.

“Andrealphus.” Stolas grimached.

“Now that I’m here, let's not beat around the bush shall we?” Andrealphus said in the same sly tone.

“Agreed.” Stella said as an imp server walked in putting a tiny imp on the table along with a kettle and teacups for the birds.

“Stella, he has nothing to do with us, why did you insist on him being here?!” Stolas groaned

Before Stella could get a word in, the window breaks, revealing Striker posing on a table. He discards his poncho and twirls two angelic revolvers in his hands. He fires one and the bullet hits the window near Stolas' head. Stella looks on a bit shocked as Stolas dodges more bullets. He changes his form and tries to fly out toward the exit. Striker wraps Stolas in glowing white rope before he can escape. Stolas falls to the ground in an alley, captured.

“Lovely, just lovely…” He groaned

_______________________________________________

On the highway Blitzo is driving the I.M.P. van, with Moxxie and Millie in the back and a fearful Loona next to Blitzo. Blitz's phone lets out a bird ringtone.

“Oh, shit. Stolas! It's really not a good time, man…”

“Sorry it's a bad time yet again. But, I seem to have found myself in a bit of a struggle. I'm tied to the back of a horse at the moment.” Stolas responded with an exasperated sigh.

“Pfft...lucky bitch.” Blitzo responded

“Rather unlucky actually, I seem to have been stolen by that little cowboy friend of yours!” Said annoyed that Blitzo wasn't taking him seriously.

“Ohh, which one?” Blitzo responded monotone again.

“How many cowboy friends do you have? What does he look like, your highness?” Moxxie asked.

Stolas glances up at Striker's grinning face. “Umm… he has a shiny gold tooth?” Stolas shrugged.

“That's Striker, sir!” Moxxie exclaims

“Oh, for fuck's sake! A– wait can't you just get away? With that big demon form thing?”

“Believe I would have if it wasn't for this blessed rope, he’s bound me in! So, do you think you could come give me a hand!?” Stolas exclaimed as he began to worry more wondering where he was being hauled off to.

“Oh, shit. Stolas, I can't today, alright? I'm sorry. I-I'm literally on my way to take Loona in for her very important Hellbies s-h-o-t.” Blitzo spelled out glancing nervously at a frightened Loona. “It takes years to book an appointment at this place, it took five to get this one. So, you know- eh, and she's been doing a lot of field work. So, you know, she needs it! Plus your royalty you probably have like a bajillion guards coming to get you anyway!”

“But they won't-" Before Stolas could finish Striker swipes the phone away with his tail. “Would you shut up already? I can hear you, y’know!”

“Don't worry about your lanky bird...he's in good hands.” Striker smiles before crushing the phone

“Shit.” Stolas cursed.

“Gaaagh, damn it!” Blitzo squeezes his phone in his hand. He moves the clutch forward and the van speeds down the highway.

“Sir, let me and Moxxie handle this one.” Millie says

“Are you sure you two got this alone?” Blitzo asked

“We got it, sir! Together, we are a lethal combo. Not to mention we both have a score to settle with that dickhead!” Moxxie responds as Millie places a cowboy hat onto Moxxie's head.

“Alright. Well, hurry. Stolas sounds like he might be in real shit this time.” Blitzo says as he pulls up to the tall Fd. An's Hospital main building.

“And knowing that guy's aesthetic, my money's on Wrath.” Blitzo continues as he drops the car keys into Moxxie's hand, before pulling Loona out of the van and carrying her over his head.

“Now, get your asses down there and look for some cowboy crap or something.” He yells as Moxxie drives the van away.

“Come on, Loonie. Come on, this will be over lickety-split, alright?” Blitzo assures as she pushes the door open and drags Loona inside by her tail.

“Of all the days for him to get his stupid feathered-ass kidnapped...I have waited five fucking years for this appointment! FUCK ME IN MY LITTLE RED HOLE!” He yells before Blitzo glances over to a mother giving him a quick dirty look her kid on a leash next to her

“Hi. The fuck you looking at?” He says as the woman rolls her eyes.

Blitzo walks up to the desk toward a nurse from the sloth ring. “Heya, toots. I'm here for that S-H-O-T for my Loonie Toonie.” Blitzo laughs as Loona growls from behind, seeing a nearby poster shows a hound with a needle in its back that reads ‘Get yours today or else!’

“The what?” The nurse says blinking one eye at a time.

Blitzo groans “The bullshit that my daughter has to get every year that you mother fuckers only allow us to schedule every five years. How the fuck you fuck up that bad, anyway?” he says, writing down his name on the clipboard's paper.

“Oh, I can't spell.” The nurse says as Blitzo pushes the clipboard to her. “I can't read, either.”

Blitzo groans again, “The fucking Hellbies shot you fucking re-” Blitzo paused clenching his fists before continuing. “The appointment is under Blitzo” He continued gritting his teeth.

The nurse flips through a notebook full of appointments. “Uhhh... I don't see any Blitz on the list.” She says tapping the clipboard.

“With an "o", it's silent…” Blitzo hissed.

The nurse flips the notebook over “OH! An "o" right here. Yep, yep! Blitzoooo, Blitzooo”. She says as Blitzo's eye twitches as he seethes in anger.

“Yes, we'll be ready for her in just a bit. Please take a seat, Mr. O.” Blitzo sighs as he accidently reveals the pistol hidden in his shirt and the mother glares at him.

He simply rolls his eyes as he takes a seat, “Of all things to worry about in hell!” He says glaring back at the mother,

Blitzo glances at Loona who is whimpering in fear under three chairs. “Oh, don't worry, Loonie. It's okay, it's just one little prick, you won't even feel it!” He says hoping to calm her.

“Ew, don't say that, it sounds vulgar!” The mother says

“What? Vulgar?” Blitzo says, looking back to the woman.

“Pervert!” Se exclaims

_______________________________________________

Striker continues galloping on his horse with Stolas tied up behind him, as the cowboy's theme song begins.

♫ He's galloping over the dusty plains ♫

♫ Even the cacti know his name ♫

♫ If you don't want to die, don't cross his path ♫

♫ The best assassin in the Ring of Wrath ♫

♫ He's Striker! He's Striker! ♫

♫ Sure-shootin', darn-tootin', his name is Striker ♫

♫ Gonna bring that bird back to his lair ♫

♫ With his magic rope and Western flair ♫

♫ He's very good at causing pain ♫

♫ And he loves to ride on the choo-choo- ♫

Striker glares at the mariachi quartet imps before they can say "train".

♫ Dirty-dealin', prince-stealin' ♫

♫ He's a villain, Striker! ♫

♫ He's fast and strong and tall and mean ♫

♫ The foulest imp you've ever seen ♫

♫ He'll break your bones to hear 'em crunch ♫

♫ He likes to eat pâté for lunch ♫

♫ He's Striker, hmm, ye-ye-yeah ♫

♫ He's Striker ♫

The last imp extends the notes, much to Striker's annoyance.

♫ He's Striker, he- ♫

“SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M TRYIN' TO DO MY FUCKING JOB! YOU COMIN' IN HERE SINGING ABOUT ME FOR THE MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE, YOU FUCKIN' FREAKS!” Striker screams as the terrified mariachi impulses quietly ride away in the cart.

“How does one get their own theme song?” Stolas asks.

“Trust me ya’ don’t want one!” He hisses back.

_______________________________________________

Back in the waiting room Blitzo tries to converse in his boredom “Soooo, nice weather we're having, huh?”

“Hey mommy, is he one of those fire toads you told me about?” The kid asks innocently pointing to Blitzo

“The fuck did you just call me?” Blitzo growls

“It's not polite to call them that to their face, honey. Wait until we're in the car.” The mother says patting him on his head

“You got a problem with me, cunt?” Blitzo responds

“There is a child present, you filthy Imp!” The woman says, covering her son's ears.

“I may be an imp, but I aint filthy! Oh also, my kid's here, too, and I don't think she would appreciate you calling her father..."things". Also this is literally hell, your son's heard worse!” Blitzo said, gritting his teeth again.

“Is there any way we can reschedule for a time when less of the unemployed rabble are out?” The mothers asks the nurse.

“Oh, please. I bet the hardest work you've ever done is convincing your husband that little shit's his!” She yelled pointing to the kid whose eyes began to water.

“Oh, yeah? And what do you do that's so important?” She asks rolling her eyes

“Me? Oh, I kill people. How does a two for one special sound, whore?”Blitzo says, pulling out his flintlock pistol and pointing it at her.

“Ahem Mr. O, the doc will see your hound now.” The nurse causes Blitzo to drop the mother and he strangles before grabbing Loona and heading into the room blowing a raspberry behind him.

_______________________________________________

Somewhere in the desert Moxxie and Millie pull up to a gas station “Crumbs! I'll grab the gas. Millie, go and see if anyone's seen Striker anywhere.” Moxxie said as he stepped out of the car, soon a biker gang pulled up. One of them noticed Moxxie.

“Hey, queer boy! You stealin' my hat?” One of them yells.

“Where else would you find a homophobe but hell?” Moxxie mumbles under his breath

“Hey I’m talking to you!” The biker yelled, making Moxxie turn.

“What?” Moxxie said

“Same hat.” The biker said, pointing to his hat identical to Moxxies.

“Oh, um sorry? My wife just put this hat on my head. You know, because it was...hot...outside..” Moxxie responded nervously.

The biker gets into Moxxie's face. “Saaame. Haaat.”

“So, we're doing this now, huh?” Moxxie sighs.

As Millie looks around the gas station she finds a mariachi band,“Howdy, boys! Y'all seen this motherfucker riding around here?” Millie says showing the band a drawing of Striker firing a gun. As Moxxie fights the bikers near the pumps.

“♫ He's galloping- ♫” The quartet begins.

“No, NO! No singing! Just a yes or no, please.” Moxxie sighs.

One of the quartet imps cough, “Yeah, he lives out by the Badman Lands, in the old train tunnel near the mine shafts, ya can't miss it.” The second member says.

Moxxie rides on the biker leader's back and slams the biker's head on the door. He slams the biker's head through one of the van windows. He swipes his credit card before avoiding the biker's attacks, before taking the gas nozzle and wrapping it around the biker's throat. He then pulls the biker down, puts the nozzle in the tank and leans against the van with his phone with a sigh.

“Thank you, kindly. Come on, Mox! We got a lead!” Millie says as she and Moxxie get back in the van. Moxxie speeds forward, taking off the biker's head and exploding the gas station.

_______________________________________________

In Striker's hideout where he's tied up Stolas upside down on some railroad tracks. Stolas opens his eyes and spots Striker nearby using a whetstone to sharpen a Blessed Knife.

“So, my wife paid you for this? Wouldn't a holy bullet have sufficed?” Stolas sighed.

“I was paid to give you the real royal treatment; your wife must REALLY hate you.” Striker chuckled

“Mphm” Stolas sighed “So. Train tracks? Really? Seems a bit clichéd, doesn't it?” Stolas said, trying to calm himself.

“It's a classic. What can I say!” Striker chuckled again.

“Is the giant statue of yourself also a 'classic' or...?” Stolas said looking up to a statue in front of Striker that has him grinning with a giant erection.

Striker growls throwing the whetstone at the statue. “Ugh those fucking mariachi freaks put it up! Havent had the fucking chance to take it down!” He growls glaring up at it.

“I'm just impressed you seem to have such dedicated fans.” Stolas responded

“I call 'em' stalkers, but to each town!” Striker said as he walked up and stabbed Stolas with the now sharpened knife.

“AAAGH!” Stolas yells as Striker cuts him down.

“What the hell! I thought we were having a conversation!” Stolas coughed

“Listen, I'm just doing my job, nothing personal.” Striker laughed as Stolas tried to petrify him with his eyes.

“Don't bother trying to use your little eye trick on me; those ropes ain't gonna let you do a thing.” Striker laughed, stepping on Stolas's open wound.

“Well, you seem to be forgetting; You're dealing with royalty, I’ll have someone get me out of this one way or another!” Stolas declares kicking Striker in the face

Striker grabs Stolas's ankle and Striker lifts up his foot and stomp on Stolas's leg and breaks it.

Stolas grunts trying his best not to show his pain, “Blitzo handles me rougher than that in bed; nice try!”

Put off by this, Striker stabs Stolas in the leg. “And his knife is bigger... and hits sooooo much deeper.” Stolas chuckles meekly.

“Being a smartass hmm?” Striker asks, grabbing Stolas by his hair feathers. “Cause, once I split your neck open and let you choke on your own blue blood, you won't be worth any more than the tombstone you'll be buried under.” Striker threatens holding his blessed knife at the back of Stolas’s neck.

“Blitzo says far more dirtier things to me with much sharper objects at my throat.” Angered with Stolas' refusal to give in, Striker throws him to the ground, “Alright birdy, now it's personal!”

Back at Fd. An's Hospital, Blitzo and Loona are inside the doctor's office.

“Welcome, Bingo. And this must be Tuna.” A demon doctor named Somna says.

“Loona, yeah. And you can hurry up, please; she isn't a fan of shots. So, let's make this quick for all our sake.” Blitzo warns

“Oho! Come, now; she can't be that bad! I see hellhounds every day; there hasn't been one that has caused any issues!” Dr.Somna assures before pulling out a comically oversized syringe; Loona immediately growls and lunges at him. Blitzo quickly grabs the doctor and gets him out of the way.

“Told ya’, dipshit.”

In Andrealphus's mansion in the Pride Ring. Andrealphus and Stella are having tea and Andrealphus creates several ice cubes, stirring them into his drink.

“So, earlier. That assassin.Was that you~?” Adrealphus says playfully

“Guilty~. Yes, it was.” Stella as a mix of emotions bubbled in her chest.

“You silly minx, you! I told you all we needed one more try and now he’ll be out of feathers forever!” Andrealphus giggles.

Stella paused for a moment before gulping her hot tea, “B-but maybe I should call it off!” Stella yelled out.

Andrealphus nearily spits out his tea, “Now why in the seven circles would you want that?! He’s embarrassed you and your daughter, and descarsied your marriage, all while sleeping with an imp no less! I mean if it were me he would've been long gone!” Andrealphus huffed.

Stella began to twiddle her fingers “Ah, well… I just realised it wouldn't exactly turn out that well.” Stella started

“He'll be dead; why wouldn't it turn out well? Don’t tell you've grown sympathy for that imp sucker.” Andrealphus said rolling his eyes

“What– noooo obviously not! It's just that…. I've already produced an heir; when he dies, his duties, his possessions, his legions, it'll all pass to.... Octavia!”

Andrealphus absentmindedly continues to drink without acknowledging her.

“If Skriker killed him, I would....”

“Laugh? Ha-” Andrealphus said.

“I'd get nothing! Even if he somehow hasn't realised I sent an assassin after him, w-we haven't talked about wills meaning in any case Octavia is the de facto inheritor! And if she finds out I was the one who killed her father I doubt she’ll want to share!” Stella yelled

Andrealphus paused and put a hand on his chin. “Mm I must admit dear sister you're more than your face! But in that case what do you suggest we do? But we’ve already gone quite far, if this gets out we’d be in trouble you know, so have any ideas?” He asked, standing up from his chair and coming closer to him.

Stella bit her nail avoiding her brother's eyes “Hmm. W-well, I'm not sure. But I do know we can't do much if he’s dead, but with him alive, we have options. Plus he has some desire to rekindle our relationship so he’d probably keep quiet. So I think it's best we bide our time and wait for an opportunity…”

“Oohhhhhh, but I- we want him dead so badly!” Andrealphus pouted. “But I see what you mean, my fiery vixen.” He continues as briefly cups Stella's face with a single hand. He grabs his icy blue customized rotary phone and sets in Stella's hand, “Go ahead call off your mangy stray.” He says walking out the room leaving Stella to stare at the phone in her hand.

_______________________________________________

Back at Striker's hideout, he throws Stolas down while circling him. Leaving Stolas panting and whimpering in pain.

“Well, this has been fun, but every good thing has to come to an end. Shame you won't see your kid again.” Striker sighs sarcastically.

“Don't you dare breathe a word about my daughter!” Stolas huffed angrily.

“Ohh, finally hit a nerve, huh?” Striker laughed.

“I swear, if you go near her, I will destroy you!” Stolas yelled

Striker stabs Stolas in the shoulder again. “Big talk. But, just that. Any last words, Goetia?” He says holding the knife dangerously close to his face.

“Blitzo will-”

“That rodeo clown told you he ain't coming; Nobody is coming.” Striker laughs maniacally.

As Striker raises the knife up to stab Stolas through the heart, he hears his phone ringing.

He groans as he picks up the call from Stella, “Listen dollface, I told you if ya’ wanted a tape that would be extra. Not to mention I’m at the end of the show!” Striker holding the phone with his shoulder to keep a grip on Stolas's collar.

“Mm, change of plans, darling. I need him alive.” Stella sighed.

Striker looks annoyed and shifts his gaze between the wounds on Stolas and his knife. Striker throws Stolas on the ground before sitting on him as he continues his call.

“I'm kind of in the middle of finishing him off.” Striker responds as Stolas tries to speak but Striker uses his tail to muffle him.

“Well, don’t. We need him alive to– ah get some affairs in order. I promise I'll pay at least two times extra, I just need you to spare him and bring him to me."

“Ugh, and you wondered why I charge spousal fee’s!” Striker exclaims.

“I know, I know. Just– do what I ask and you will be generously compensated!” Stella assured.

“Yes ma’am.” Striker groans rolling his eyes.

“Good.” Stella says with a sigh of relief as she hangs up the call.

Striker growls and smashes his phone against a rock. “Well, good news for you, Feathers. Dolly said she don't want you dead no more!” Stolas sighed in relief before Skriker continued, “But, she didn't say what condition you had to be in.” He smiles as he grabs Stolas and hovers his knife near the prince's eyes.

“I think these reds might be a pretty trophy; can't have you seeing me again, can we?” He says all to cheerily.

Suddenly a car horn is heard in the distance; Striker gets up and growls while looking for the source. Parts of the cavern ceiling give away and the I.M.P van breaks through, tumbling down an embankment and as the van comes to a stop, the door opens with Moxxie aiming a rifle at Striker.

Striker dodges several bullets and throws his knife into the rifle, causing another bullet to ricochet around the cavern and strike a nearby boom box that begins playing. As Striker pulls out two revolvers, Millie attacks him with a longsword from behind; Striker takes the sword and Millie charges with a katana while Moxxie attacks with two revolvers of his own. All three fight to a standstill and the long sword breaks, with the tip landing in the boombox. Striker is surprised by the song it switches to, but quickly disregards it as Moxxie and Millie double team him with a battle axe.

In the hospital the doctor ends up getting slammed into a bin of used needles, screaming in pain while Striker kicks Moxxie down and pins Millie to a rock with her axe back in the hideout. He notices Moxxie still moving and lassos a nearby stalagmite and slams it into Moxxie's back. As Striker goes in for the kill, Loona is pinned to the ground by Blitzo who motions to Dr. Somna to give her the shot. The doctor hurriedly sticks the shot in Loona's rear, causing her to howl in pain and rage, and bucks Blitzo off her, creating a small crater on the clinic floor.

Striker sees Moxxie reaching for his pistol “Oh, I remember how easy it is to choke the life out of you, little one.” He says pinning Moxxie on the ground and begins choking him.

“Ohhhh, harder.” Moxxie says weakly.

Striker falters before laughing. “Keep it in your pants!” He laughs again before Moxxie kicks Striker's legs out from under him and lassos Striker by the neck, spinning him around and throwing him to the ground.

“Heh, having fun with your first time on top?!” Striker laughs horsley as he aims a revolver at Moxxie, Millie frees herself and strikes the base of his statue.

Striker looks up to see it falling towards him; he tries to move out of the way, but the statue lands on top of him. As Moxxie approaches it, the smoke clears to see that Striker is gone.

“Fuck!” Moxxie curses as he looks towards Millie seeing her carrying an unconscious Stolas

“Oh, crumbs! We've got to get him to a hospital!” Moxxie yelps as they quickly load him into the van.

A group of reporters stand outside Fd. An's, Blitzo and Loona emerge, the former being beaten up and scratched and the latter with a cone around her neck and holding a lollipop. Moxxie and Millie pull up to the front

“Oh, good. You guys actually managed to-” Before he can finish a horde of medical personnel and reporters trample Blitzo as they rush to the van. Two Plague Doctors open the van door as Millie looks worried as the two put Stolas on the stretcher. Blitzo gets trample again when they wheel Stolas inside. Blitzo gets a passing look at Stolas' tail feathers as they run by him.

“Sir, are you alright?” Moxxie says helping Blitzo up.

“Oh, peachy. Yeah, no. Today has been wonderful; what the fuck was THAT about?” He asks utterly confused

“Striker messed him up, bad.” Millie says worriedly.

“Stolas– what? How?... He got hurt?” Blitzo says worriedly as a defeated Loona saunters towards the van and falls face down in the back seat.

_______________________________________________

Stolas lays in a hospital room recovering from his injuries. A heart monitor was beeping and he is surrounded by many plants; have an IV bag next to him.

Stolas hears his phone buzzing and sees a notification from Blitzo, the former starts scrolling through their prior conversations.

He looked at one from the first night they had slept together.

Stolas: WHAT HAPPENED TONIGHT WAS A MISTAKE, AND WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! I RELATIONSHIP IS PURELY PROFESSIONAL FROM HERE ON OUT!

Blitzo: UH COOL

Stolas: AND DON'T BREATHE A WORD ABOUT THIS TO ANYONE!

Blitzo: K WAZNT GOING TOO

Stolas scrolls down past a few conversations.

Stolas: WHILE I THANK YOU FOR TONIGHT, THIS THE LAST TIME THAT WILL HAPPEN!

Blitzo: THATS WHAYT YOU SAID LAST TIME BUTT SUR

He then scrolls down the ones after the night at Ozzie's.

Stolas : ‘I'M SORRY IF ANYTHING I SAID OR DID MAY HAVE OFFENDED YOU TONIGHT.’

Blitzo: ‘ITZ WHATEVS’

Stolas continues to scroll through the conversation .

Stolas : NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER, MAYBE WE CAN TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AT OZZIE'S?”

Blitzo: Y?

Stolas: I'M SORRY! NEVERMIND, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. I WAS JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU. YOU SEEMED VERY UPSET AND YOU TOOK OFF SO FAST. BUT MAYBE I READ TOO MUCH INTO THAT, I'M GLAD IF THAT'S NOT THE CASE. I WASN'T UPSET EITHER, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WEREN'T AND OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN HANDLE ANY STUPID JOKE A CLOWN CAN MAKE. ASMODEUS CAN BE VERY INVASIVE IN HIS HUMOUR, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY MYSELF. WHAT HE SAID ABOUT ME AT LEAST, I ENJOY BEING THE SUBJECT OF JEST. MAYBE YOU CAN SAY MEAN THINGS TO ME TOO NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER. IF YOU WANT?

Blitzo: SHUR

Stolas continues scrolling.

Stolas: THANKS FOR HELPING ME WITH VIA TODAY, YOU WERE GREAT IN THAT HUMAN SHOW!

Blitzo: NO PROBLEMO

Stolas: ARE YOU COMING OVER TONIGHT WITH THE BOOK?

Blitzo: LYKE OLWAYS!

Stolas: IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE COMING, THAT'S OK! I'M SURE I CAN DO WITHOUT IT FOR A MONTH. :)

Blitzo: K

He was soon reaching the bottom of the conversation.

Stolas: DO YOU PLAN TO VISIT TOMORROW? I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN BUSY, AND WORKING HARD. MAYBE IF YOU'D PREFER, WE CAN SKIP THE BEDROOM AND JUST RELAX, MAYBE? I'M SURE YOU NEED A BREAK.

Blitzo: WUTEVR YOU WANT, IT'S YOUR NIGHT.

Stolas: IF YOU'RE NOT UP FOR IT, OR TOO TIRED, THAT'S PERFECTLY FINE. NO PRESSURE, I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING WITH THE GRIMOIRE TILL NEXT MONTH.

Blitzo: MAE BEE

Stolas: MAYBE INSTEAD OF OUR USUAL ARRANGEMENT ON THE FULL MOON WE COULD PROPERLY CATCH UP THIS WEEK? MAYBE MONDAY?

Blitzo: I MIGHT BE BUSY

Stolas: I WOULDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU!

Stolas: YOU CAN ALWAYS DROP OFF THE BOOK ON THE FULL MOON AND I CAN LEAVE IT FOR YOU IF YOU ARE TOO TIRED TO DO ANYTHING...

Stolas: BUT, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU.

Blitzo: K I HAAVE TIME FOR A QUICKIE IF YA WANT

Stolas: I CAN LIVE WITH THAT!

And finally there was Blitzo’s most recent texts

Blitzo: GET BETTER SOON :(

He weakly smiles when Blitzo sends a get well soon message.

Stolas: THANK YOU, BLITZ, THAT MEANS A LOT. I MIGHT BE HERE FOR A WHILE, IF YOU EVER WANT TO VISIT.💜

After responding, Stolas sees Blitzo typing a message but does not send it. His smile fades before he looks at other messages.

He clicks a text from his worried father telling him he had seen the news and that he will be there eventually. He laughed meekly at the wording ‘eventually’. His father had several other children and even more grandchildren he was busy with at most times so he didn't expect to see him soon but, it was good to know he cared.

He then looks at some from Octavia he had already responded to, asking if he was okay and telling him she’d be there with her mother. He then checked texts from Stella, he could see she was starting to type something but stopped, he didn't blame her, what could she really say to him?

He finally shuts his phone and rests his head on the pillow drifting into sleep as flower petals fly over his head.

_______________________________________________

Okay so weirdly enough I've actually had this done for like 2 weeks but I only posted now for some reason.

I'd say I changed a fair amount in this one, from changing the beginning with Stolas and Stella and stuff with her and Adrealphus.

And this may be a controversial change but I took out Strikers foreshadowwd trauma with royalty. Idk every other character in this show has trauma so I just didn't see the need to add him into the bunch.

And one last thing, if you have any constructive criticisms or anything you want to ask then please let me know! My askbox is open and I would love to hear what you guys have to say about my stuff.

#helluva boss critical #helluva boss criticism #anti stolas #helluva boss critique #helluva boss rewrite

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

YOU CAN MAKE THE WORLD A KINDER PLACE BY BEING KIND! THAT’S ALL IT TAKES!!

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

Me when my second most popular post is an argument thread and not one of the rewrites I actually put effort into:

#helluva boss critical #helluva boss criticism #helluva boss critique #helluva boss rewrite

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

Dunno if you have seen it but Erin posted some letters Viv's lawyers have sent here; I didn't even know there was a trial involved, she accused to Ashely to have backed down after supporting her cause, saying that Viv uses "terror strategy"

I like the show, the last episode made me even interested in Stolitz.

But abusing your own employees is ethically abhorrent, maybe Viv deserves to be dragged down, a bit.

Why is she showing that? I'm sure that's not legal to do. ALSO, Erin broke her NDA.....no shit lawyers are gonna get involved! That's how that works! That's not a "terror strategy"! That is you breaking a legally binding contract!

Like....what??? And then showing legal papers online???? How is that fucking helping? It literally just shows she's trying to drag Vivzie because there's no way she just received that NOW. This feels like defamation at this point.

There is no way this also a coincidence right as soon as Vivzie announced Hazbin Hotel content. Like....why?????? Erin is only making this shit worst, especially if lawyers are involved.

I'm not saying what Erin and the other two went through is invalid, but it wasn't like...villainous or anything. Like the worst was that they were overworked and, possibly, underpaid, I believe Erin said she was working Starbucks or something on the side. Considering that's an issue with animators no matter it being indie or not, I'm not too shocked by. BUT, I think it's fair to say that an Indie project that's being paid out of Vivzie's pocket...she probably doesnt have a shit ton of money to just throw around.

The rest of it was just unnecessary like bringing up that Vivzie doesn't like Villainous, for reasons I have already discussed, and acting like that means anything. Or saying that Vivzie doesn't like other indie projects when there's proof stating the contrary.

At this point, I'm just pissed. Why are you only releasing these things when the hype is around? It makes you appear to have an ulterior motive, regardless of whether you do or not.

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

Erin’s at it again… And this time the Hellaverse fandom is against her!

Basically she made transphobic comments about Sallie May and how she shouldn’y be able to express her body the way she wants

Yep, I saw that. I find it kinda weird that she's upset that Viv didn't make this specific BACKGROUND CHARACTER trans and gave it Sallie, whom has a bigger part in the show and is played by a trans woman. Like I dont get it??? I mean, it would be neat to have two trans characters (although, Viv has shown a lot of trans rep in the show, hoping she'll do more), but it's not like it's a loss.

I feel like the last thing you wanna do when working as a character designer is get overly attached to old designs. A lot of changes can happen in-between. Plus, there's still a trans person in the show. I guess because it wasn't the one she wanted it's now a "Viv bad" scenario.

Once again, this shows that Erin was just a fan, who was expecting special treatment or to get what she wanted.

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

‘Seeing Stars’ Rewrite

Stolas begins to speak, a vision of the galaxy appearing as he does, “In the great expanse of the nether there exists boundless amounts of magnificent phenomenon the great brilliance of an exploding star, the nimble dance of space dust through a nebula but once every one thousand years our corner of reality is treated to an incredible sight from the deep eldritch recesses of the cosmos the tears of a forgotten colossus begin to fall.” Stolas says with a smile describing one of his passions to his daughter, Octavia.

“Tears made of the hopes and dreams of every living thing that never came to be. Condensed and sent shooting across the night sky in a dazzling final display. We can see what appears to mortal beings as a meteor shower for what it truly is: Azathoth's Tears.” Stolas finishes ending the vision still holding his young daughter.

“Daddy, can we go see it someday?” Octavia giggled

Stolas chuckled “Yes, dear. I promise, when the day comes nothing will be able to keep me from being there with you. Good night, my Owlette.” He responded nuzzling Octavia before tucking her in and giving a peck on the forehead.

“Goodnight Daddy!” Octavia yawned as she turned in bed.

                                           _______

Several years into the present an older Octavia looks as happy as she did in her bed many years ago. She circled the date on her calendar that read ‘Starfall today!!’ with a doodle of her and her father on the side. 

She hopped down the hallway while tugging on her boots, “Dad, dad?” She yelled as she entered the kitchen but he wasn't there. She paused for a moment before hearing faint yelling from her father's office.

She opened the cracked open door, her face dropping when she heard what all the yelling was about.

“No, I'm not sending her things over!  She’s only staying for a few days or so!” Stolas yelled over the rotary phone, squeezing their butler like a stress toy. Octavia always felt bad when her parents did that to him, even if it wasn't often.

“No, –if Stella wants me to send her stuff over then she can tell me that! So with that being said, please get her back on the phone!” He yelled continuing to squeeze the poor imp tighter.

“Dad? What’s going on?” Octavia asked, entering the room. 

Stolas turned before sighing, “ Ugh, nothing dear, it’s just that your uncle seems to think your mother can’t exist somewhere for two minutes without everything she owns!” Stolas grumbled

“--never want’s to see you again!” Octavia’s uncle yelled through the phone, “Everyone will—” Stolas dropped the imp he was choking to press his hand over the phone's speaker, with a groan.

“Um Dad, will this be done before tonight?” Octavia asked,

Stolas sighed, “Oh I doubt it dear… Knowing your uncle I doubt he’s going to stop calling, I might just send a few things over just so he’ll shut up!” Stolas groaned, still covering the phone's speaker.

Octavia stared dejected, “But-” Before she could finish her uncle said something particularly loud over the phone, something that she couldn’t quite make out.

Stolas groaned again, “I’m really sorry dear but, can we talk later? Your uncle is being a bit of B-I-T-C-H!” Stolas spelled out.

“Excuse me, how dare—” Her uncle yelled before it became more incomprehensible screaming.

“Well, how was I supposed to know you can spell?! I've never seen you read!” Stolas responded pettily.

Octavia groaned as they continued arguing, she turned around and shut the door of her father's, still being able to hear him and her uncle arguing.   

She stomps back to kicking the door open. She slams the door and yells as she rips up the calendar page, angrily toppling her telescope over, she then grabs a bag with her things and leaves the mansion.

                                             _______

“Loona, honey please, I didn't mean it like tha— shit!” Blitzo curses running back as Loona charges toward him with an angry look.

She picks up an empty water cooler sending it flying toward his face, hitting him dead on, “FUCK! Uh, I mean good throw honey! I-i’m so proud of you~!” Blitzo gulps trying to calm her down, she pounces on him continuing to beat him. 

Millie walks past with her and Moxxies matching coffee cups, as Loona grabs a picture of the wall beating Blitzo with it. “Honey, what's all this about?” She asks as she joins Moxxie on the couch watching the two from afar.

“Huh, oh! Blitzo finally talked to her about her attitude with customers, or trying to at least.” Moxxie said with a sly smile as he grabbed his cup from Millie.

Blitzo runs behind the couch Moxxie and Millie are sitting as Loona growls at him, “I just think some small tweaks might help you be more of a uh, people person, y’know?” Blitzo laughed

“I am a people person!” Loona growled as she went and grabbed him by the collar, “If I’m sooo terrible then why don’t you just grow a pair and replace me?!” She growls

Blitzo stares at her for a second before gulping down the lump in his throat, “W-well maybe I- maybe I will!” Blitzo responded semi-confident.

Loona’s eyes widen before she growls again as she grips his collar tighter, “What did you say?”

Blitzo turned his head over to Moxxie and Millie who gave him a thumbs up, “ I said maybe I will, little missy! Yeah, that's right it's tough love time! So, now you can... go... to your desk!” Blitzo said pumped with confidence.

Loona growls again before dropping him and stomping back to her desk. She plops herself down incoherently mumbling to herself as Octavia walks through the door, her hair wrapped around her face as a last-minute disguise. Thankfully for her with all the commotion no one had noticed her enter.

“Sir, if I may say so; you're doing the right thing. If we don't even have a cheerful qualified receptionist, how can people trust us to massacre and mutilate their enemies for them? It's what's best for business.” Moxxie said sincerely as he helped Blitzo up.

Octavia freezes as Loona spots her sneaking in, she’s surprised when she does react but Octavia continues on her way nonetheless.

She heads into Blitzo's office and starts rummaging around at his desk to no avail. She pauses for a moment wondering if the grimoire is actually here. She had only vaguely overheard her father speaking about the agreement so she began to worry that it may just be back at the house and she came all this way for nothing. 

Just then she sees a framed picture of all the I.M.P members on the wall that looked oddly out of place from the other photos, “Maybe…” She said to herself as she moved it aside before sighing in relief at the sight of a safe with cobwebs around it.

‘Blitzo's stuff Do-Nut Steel!!’ A sticky note on the side read with horse doodles, she looked at the keypad and paused. She typed in 1-2-3-4 expecting a red light and beep but instead blinked in surprise when it opened.

“How in Mammons's name have they not been robbed yet? Whatever!” She wondered before shaking her head and flipping open the grimoire.

“Take me to the stars,” Octavia said as a pentagram began to swirl around her feet as some smoke-like darkness streamed toward the ceiling.

Outside the office, Moxxie sat on the couch behind Blitzo massaging his shoulders. Millie sitting opposite the two loops up to see the light show coming from the office.

“Uh, Blitzo?” She says pointing towards the door.

Blitzo shoots up from his massage as he and Moxxie snap their heads towards the door, “The fuck?”

He and the other imps squeeze through the door with weapons drawn just in time to see Octavia disappearing through the portal.

As Blitzo stares slack-jawed for a moment Loona suddenly yells, “Oh yeah, by the way, you have a visitor!”

                                          ________

Octavia slowly blinked her eyes open, “W-where am I?” She says as she looks down onto a blank Hollywood star as a hobo near her vomits onto it, causing Octavia to slide backward and yelp. 

As she does this she notices she has fallen onto someone, she then looks up realizing she has just crushed some famous comedian, Brennon Ragers, an eyeball having popped out of his head. She quickly grabs the grimoire that lies next to him. As Octavia looks up the portal closes she then runs off with the grimoire.

“Woah, s-sorry!” Octavia says as she bumps into a clown.

“This is my territory, bitch! Take your shitty costume and get the fuck off my corner!” He yells as he pushes Octavia.

Octavia grabs her things and runs across a crosswalk while cars swerve and almost hit her. She runs into a protest mob. She looks horrified seeing them holding signs that say, "Demons walk among us", "God hates you personally", and  "<- To Hell" coincidentally pointing at her.

She dodges away from them and almost runs into a gleaming golden statue of a man smiling with his hand out. Octavia falls to the ground before grabbing the grimoire and scrambling into an alleyway. 

“Take me back home, take me back home, take me back home!” She repeats yelling at the pages of the grimoire but the book does nothing as she begins to tear up.

                                             ______

“Shit, shit, shit, shit!” Blitzo cursed as he paced around the room, “What the fuck am I supposed to tell Stolas?!” He yelled, grabbing Moxxie.

“Well, he seems to like you, sir. Maybe he would understand—” Moxxie started before Blitzo pulled him close to his face.

“Listen, my dick is good, but it is not that good, Moxxie,” Blitzo started before shoving him away and going back to pacing.

“Sir, I don't think we really have a choice! He’s already going to lose his mind when he realizes Octavia’s  gone, what do you think he’s going to do to us if he finds out we were involved and didn't say anything?” Moxxie explained as Millie helped him up.

“Okay well, what do you suppose I say to him? You just want me to call him up and be like,” Blitzo starts grabbing his phone and dialing Stolas, “ Hey~ so, your daughter came by, took your book, and teleported off to who the fuck knows where, and we have no way of getting either of them back, okay?! Okay! Good talk, byeee!” Blitzo's voice cracked realizing he had actually called Stolas, he put the phone down before backing away slowly.

After a moment of silence Blitzo gave a small smile, “Huh, that went better than I thou—”.

Before Blitzo could finish the door blew up as Stolas burst inside in his full demon form. His large black form outlined in red caught Blitzo under his claw as if he were a lizard.

“BLITZO” His loud deep voice yelled leaving Blitzo to begin laughing nervously under his heavy talon.

                                          _______

After calming down for a while in the alley, Octavia knew she needed to leave before the mob saw her. She decided to try to talk to people on the street, who ignored her.

“Hey, do y- Can you help - h-how do I get ah - I - excuse me, I just need to know where I can...  see the stars?” She groans and rubs her eye, pulling her beanie over her face.

“Why do I bother? These people are all idiots anyway!” She huffed

As she says that a pamphlet flies into her face, she rips it away and reads it, the center panel reads ‘Star Struck Tourz.’

Octavia smiles, crumpling the flier close to her chest, “Yes!” She exclaims as she runs to grab a seat on the bus. However, through her excitement, she failed to notice the ‘Stalk your fave celeb!’ in the bottom left corner. 

                                             ______

Stolas paces around in front of Moxxie, Millie, and Blitzo after thankfully calming down.

“How could this happen?! Do you just let anyone waltz into your office and grab infinitely powerful artifacts?!” Stolas cried, pulling his hat off. “ Why would she do this? She’s not that type to run off like this!”

Loona walks into the and sniffs the air. “Mm, it reeks of urine and desperation so... Ugh... L.A.

Everyone gives Loona a look of surprise.

“What?” She asked with a growl, and before she knew it she was being pulled through a portal that the rest of IMP and Stolas walked through.

“ Alright, Loona, let's make this quick, in and out before anyone notices us!”

The sudden sounds of gunfire and screaming make Blitzo survey the alley.

“Huh, this place doesn't look too different from Hell.” He shrugged, “ Alright, now let's get to work!” 

Loona sniffs before removing an empty can from her hair “How am I supposed to smell anything in this city?!”

“Can you even do one thing right?” Moxxie mumbled,

“Can you finally do something about how fat you are?” Loona responded smugly

“I'm not –”

“Loona don’t…” Blitzo scolded

Moxxie gave an appreciative smile as Loona responded “Oh c’mon! You would’ve found that funny like a week ago!”

“Maybe but things are a little different now!” Blitzo responds with a smile as he jumps up on a dumpster and tapes a picture to the open lid. It was a simple doodle of IMP with Loona in her human disguise and Stolas with a fake mustache.

“Now, first things first we're gonna do this the old-fashioned way! We're gonna need disguises!” Blitzo said explaining his plan.

As he says so Loona and Stolas transform into their human disguises.

Millie claps in amazement while Moxxie rolls his eyes unimpressed. Blitz's eyes widen and he blushes a small bit seeing his human form.

His face quickly dropped, however, “No chance you can conjure us a couple of those, can ya?”

“Sadly, no. I'm afraid without my grimoire, my powers are just a tad limited in the human world.”

“You've had that book for years and you didn't memorize your fucking spells?” Blitzo asked annoyed.

“Pft, like your memory's so great!” Stolas laughs before gesturing to Moxxie. “What's his phone number?” He asked smugly

“Fuck you,” Blitzo responded in defeat.

Stolas laughed in triumph as the group left the alley and as they walked Stolas grabbed a pair of red-tinted sunglasses, putting on his head where his second pair of eyes would be in his normal form. As they continue Moxxie runs face-first into a human.

“Hey, little man. How about you check out this demo right here? This is some premium Grade-A fire right here! Perfect for you to crank with the little lady.” The man grabbed Millie pulling her close to her obvious displeasure.

“Oh, wow! Did you make this? Thank you!”  Moxie says before he and Millie walk away as the dude follows and stops them.

“Oh, hey, hey, hey. Hold up a sec, you just gonna grab it and go?” The man asked 

“He said, ‘Thank you’.” Millie huffed

“Twenty bucks, man.” The man said holding out his palm.

“Oh uh Millie, do you have money to pay this talented artist?” Moxie asked as Millie gave him a funny look.

Millie grumbled watching as the rest of their group walked past the corner without them. “You can just give it back, Mox,”

Moxxie quickly pulls her into a bush, “Millie! These artists put their heart and soul into their work! I can't just give it back like it's worthless!”

“It probably is,” Millie said rolling her eyes

“Well yeah probably, but in hell people just stab you for money, at least humans here are creative with trying to steal from you. I feel like I kinda owe it for the creativity, y’know?” Moxie responded with a shrug

Before Millie can respond a woman walks past and flips a coin to Moxxie.

“Sick demon costume, man!” She smiles

Moxxie and Millie both stare at the coin Moxxie received.

“It's metal as fuck!” She compliments again as she walked.

“I have an ide- Oh, woah!” Moxxie stands up attempting to flip the coin before accidentally dropping it. 

He chases after it,” Hey, hey, hey, hey, come back here!” Millie laughes as she watched Moxxie chase the coin before he finally grabbed it.

Moxxie flips it again, catching it correctly this time. “I have an idea!”

                                           _______

Octavia groans at the bus stop again before the tour guide comes on the speaker, “And to your left, you'll see the home of one of those influencers who think they're hot shit 'cause now they do TV shows.”

Octavia watches as a woman and her kid hop into a limo while a man lies prostrate on the ground crying and begging. However, once the limo drives away he stands up and begins kissing the man standing nearby wearing a pink bathrobe.

She groans and turns away pulling her beanie down over her eyes.

In a shop called ‘Little Costume Shop of Horrors’, Blitzo walks out the front door dressed in a pink shirt, blue jeans, and wig. His horns have been covered with frankly gigantic ears. 

“So?” Blitzo says gesturing to himself proud of his disguise.

Stolas looks up from his fidgeting fingers to see Blitzo, “I don't think that’s going to fool any—”

Before Stolas could finish a woman screams excitedly.

The girl next to her also squeals “Look, everyone! It's Holly's Wood star, Brennon Ragers!”

“Who the fuck is Brendon Rager - Oh.” Blitzo paused as he stared up at a billboard for ‘Sweetie! I'm In the House!! Guest Starring Brennon’.

Stolas also looks up to the same sight “Oh, dear.”

A crowd immediately mobs Blitzo, taking pictures and begging for things while Blitzo tries to escape.

“Moxxie, Millie, where the fuck are you?!”

 “♫ You're my lovely little monster, and I'll never say goodbye. I will kill for you, until the day we die. ♫”

As Moxxie and Millie finish singing the crowd cheers throwing roses and money Moxxie's way while he bows. He points to the money earned to Millie with an excited look, Millie is less than impressed but gives a soft smile back when Moxxie looks her way.

 Finally, Moxxie goes over to give the money, “And, here you are, my fellow Troubadour.” Moxie says with a bow.

“Whatever, man. Get the fuck outta here, you're cramping my business.” The guy responds annoyed, snatching the cup of coins away.

Millie sighed glad the ordeal was over, “Come on, babe! We have to catch up to Blitzo before–”.

She turns and runs face-first into a mural.

“Ayyy, wanna buy some art?” A shady salesman says.

“Wha? YES!” Moxie exclaimed picking up the flyer as Millie facepalms.

                                             ______

“I'm cutting my hospital bill out of their pay” Blitzo shouts as the crowd continues to surround him.

Suddenly a limo swerves and several agents jump out to break the commotion. A man blows his whistle with a diploma in his hands, and Blitzo is finally let go.

Another man walks up to Blitzo holding a bag of fruit snacks, “Mr. Ragers, we've been looking for you everywhere. You were supposed to be on set an hour ago!” The man says. 

“The fuck are you talking about?” Blitzo says pulling himself off the ground.

“Your guest spot on…” The man pauses to eat a fruit snack. “ ‘Sweetie! I'm in the House!!’ “ The man pulls his phone out showing an ad, the same one on the billboard.

“We're taping tonight. Now, hurry up and get in the car!” The man says shoving his phone back into his pocket

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! I'm not going anywhere with you, jizz-biscuit!” Blitzo responds by flipping the man off.

“Very funny, Mr. Ragers. Now, get in the car” The man says sternly, calling the bodyguards to take him to the car.

“Get your fucking hands off me!” Blitzo yells briefly, managing to escape before being recaptured. 

“Loona! Stolas! A little help, here?!” Blitzo calls as his fake ears fall off, a man dropping his baby to catch them as the crowds begin to tear each other apart to get the ears.

Somehow through the chaos, Stolas manages to get over to Blitzo “E-excuse me, sir. I'm… ah, Mr. Ragers' agent, and I don't believe you can just—”  Suddenly an agent behind Stolas cracks his neck, and grabs him from behind.

“Oh! I didn't think you humans could be that strong!” Stolas shreik's in surprise.

Both he and Blitzo are thrown into the limo, Blitzo manages to the door, but it closes before he can escape.

“Ugh Blitzo, we don't have time for this! Via could be anywhere, she could be in even worse danger than us!” Stolas cried.

“Don't worry, I'm on it!” Blitzo exclaims before breaking a window with his horns, and spotting Loona punching the people in the crowd

“Loonie, go find Octavia! We'll catch up soon!” Blitzo yells Loona responds by flipping him off.

“Way to be a team player, sweetie!” Blitzo says sarcastically, Stolas looks at him with worry. “She's uh, in great hands!” Blitzo responded with a nervous laugh.

                                            ______

Octavia walks off the bus angrily ripping the pamphlet in half. She walks away from the group, not noticing a crime scene in annoyance, walking on top of a corpse. She then stops when she comes across a sign titled, "Star Owl: Souvenir Shop."

She pulls out her phone taking a picture of the sign, however as she gets ready to walk past the shop she slowly stops to see what's inside the shop itself, her eyes fixated on a box with the word ‘Starstruck, on it.

                                               ______

“Hey Blitzo?” Stolas said back in the limo.

“Yeah?”

“Earlier you said you cutting the hospital bill out of… the other two’s pay so, I was just wondering do you have health insurance?” Stolas asked

“Ugh barely! We only got the cheap coverage with Moxxie’s help, not sure where he got the money though… but honestly, we were going for mid-tier but then there was Mammon and his fuckin’ price gouges!” Blitzo groaned

“Eh, I wouldn't worry too much about it.” Stolas shrugged, “He does this every five years or so, sometimes longer depending on how badly the riots affect the Sins. And with prices like these, I doubt you’ll see anything costs like that for the rest of your to life!” Stolas chuckled knowing he and other Goetias often bet on how bad the property damage would be whenever .

Soon enough the limo arrived at a building entitled ‘Starstruck Studios’. An agent has Stolas slung over his shoulder while other agents carry a resisting Blitzo, doing everything in his power to try and escape, but to no avail. With the paparazzi around him, he is then thrown to a chair in a makeup room.

“Let's get him ready! He's on in five!” The producer yells to everyone in the room.

“What? "Five" what? I-I can't be on a sitcom!” Blitzo exclaimed before being smacked in the face with a powder pad, with Stolas beside him holding water bottles.

“Should've had an ego crisis before signing the contract.” The producer responds sarcastically.

“I-I-I… Whoa-, I don't even know the fucking lines!”

“That's why God invented teleprompters!” The producer smiled.

Blitzo stared at the wreck of a cast as an actress smoking a cigarette, a child actress snorting cocaine, and some guy on a teleprompter showing "GOD KILL ME PLS" before he broke down and electrocuted the guy on top of it.

“Uh, shouldn't he rehearse, or something?” Stolas said trying to get more time.

“No can do, we're live in 1-minute people!”  The producer said as he walked out the stage, and Blitzo began to hyperventilate.

“Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! I-I... I can't do this. No, not again. I-I haven't performed since–” Blitzo starts as Stolas walks up to him.

He reaches his hand out to touch Blitzo, but he pulls away before he can. Stolas pauses before gulping a lump in his throat and holding his hands to himself.  “Blitzo, if your performance on stage is half as good as it was back in the circus, you'll leave them breathless!” Stolas smiles

Blitzo takes a deep breath before looking up at Stolas, “Y’know what? You're right I got this! Uh thanks for that!” He says with an appreciative smile and Stolas smiles back. “And I promise after all of this, we will get right back to finding Octacvia!” Blitzo says

“Good, now hurry and go wow them!” Stolas responds pushing Blitzo onto the set before the lights are turned on.

“Break a leg, Blitzo!” Stolas says as one last bit of encouragement before closing the door and heading to the audience section.

The lights come on a bit faster than Blitzo had anticipated before the director says “Action!”

The theme music plays and the scene opens with a male actor on the couch.

Well, if it isn't our neighbor, Ronnie. You feel that earthquake earlier?” The man says

Blitzo looks at the stage distressed before his eyes snap towards Stolas who gestures at the teleprompter with his lines on it.

“Oh, that was just my wife rolling out of bed!” Blitzo says.

The audience is unresponsive at first but laughs instantly. Blitzo then smiles to their reaction, not being able to see the signs indicating people to laugh with a bit of static.

Blitzo smiles enthusiastically “Yeah, and then that bitch hit her head on the way down and shattered her skull!” He says.

The signs don’t change, as they still say "Laugh", but no one is laughing, except for Stolas, who finds it lightly humorous.

“There's blood everywhere... pee in her pants…” Blitzo continues starting to lose his rhythm.

Stolas lightly chuckles as the rest of the audience stays silent. Both he and the audience look up at the signs, which say, ‘Srsly, laugh anyway’, and the audience proceeds to laugh at this as well. Blitzo, becoming less nervous, smiles at Stolas, a light blush appearing across his face as he smiles back.

                                            ______

Loona sips a coffee and opens up her phone to ‘Sinstagram’ She walks around the city with a song playing on her phone, she stops when she spots the ‘Star Owl: Souvenir Shop’ sign on the wall. She admires this and takes a selfie with it to post on her Sinstagram.

After posting the photo and scrolling down her feed, she notices a post from Octavia at the same location. Taken aback by this, she quickly gulps down her coffee, and takes a closer look at Octavia's profile, with some of her recent posts being pictures she took throughout the city.

One post shows a castle, with the caption reading ‘Found a cool looking castle, reminds me of home…’ Loona looked down seeing it had only been posted two minutes ago. As Loona looks around the city she sees the same castle from the post is right behind her. She crushes the coffee in her hand before throwing it down and running towards the castle. 

Loona looks around trying to find Octavia, but her phone goes off again, revealing another post from Octavia showing where she is at, but no sign of her when she looks up. In another post, where she's seen in front of the Holly's Wood sign, Loona is right in front of it.

She sighs in relief and sees someone wearing the same beanie as Octavia, only to turn her around to find a human that looks like her from behind.

Loona sighs as goes back to her phone and begins scrolling through her phone and running to multiple places that Octavia has been in, with the background changing to its exact location, but every attempt proves futile with Octavia nowhere to be found. Loona stops and pants before she approaches the observatory from Octavia’s recent post.

                                             _____

Back at Starstruck Studios, the audience ranges from fairly entertained to mentally scarred as Stolas looks troubled seeing the clock.

“Oh, Uggie! You've gone and done it again!” Blitzo says to a pug who seems to have urinated on the set's couch. “That's the fifth couch this week!” He continues enthusiastically.

The audience chuckles seemingly genuinely enjoying the without the prompt to laugh.

“You know, maybe it's about time I found you a new home, one that could put up with your attitude!” He says booping the dog's nose.

“I could take him, Mr. Ronnie! I'd be happy to adopt old Uggie and give him the attention he needs!” A child actress says.

The family comes together, and the spotlight centers only on them, with cute animals surrounding them. The crowd responds with an ‘Awww’.

“Yeah... yeah, maybe, you should adopt…” Blitzo pauses as he looks at Uggie, and he starts to remember a moment from several years prior, Blitzo looking in a cell with a bunch of hounds, the one in the center resembling Uggie.

                                          _____

“Aww, they're all so cute. And they're... Sad.” Blitzo said next to a lady at a Hellhound adoption center. 

“Maybe you could adopt this one here. Quite a strong lad, he'll be perfect for whatever work you want to use him for.” She says pointing to another hellhound.

Blitzo sets his sights on the dog he's recommended, but his look of excitement turns into disgust after seeing the hound's face.

“Ugh! No, I'm not looking for an ugly worker. I need something more uh family-friendly!

“A gift for the wife, huh? No problem. We have a nice selection of other hounds.” The woman says still deadpan as the two continue to walk, Blitzo stops for a moment at the cell in front of him.

“Hey, who's that?” Blitzo said pointing to the cell.

In the cell an angry teenage Loona was texting on her phone with a younger vicious hound holding a bat full of bloody nails, wanting Loona's phone.

“Oh, her? That's just Loona. What a nightmare.” The woman grimaces.

The younger hound is thrown against the cell bars. Loona pants furiously then crawls back in her space.

“Serious attitude problems. She'll be out of our hair next month when she ages out.” The woman tutes as Loona’s look of anger turns to sadness.

Loona scoots back over on her bench, holding herself and shedding tears. 

“Good riddance if you ask me. She'll never amount to much of anything.” The woman grimaces as Blitzo stares sympathetically before flashing back to the present.

                                               ______

“No. No, no, no, you can't have her! She's mine, and I love her!” Blitzo says pulling the pug close to her

The screens above the set flick "Awe?", the audience does as so as Stolas stares utterly confused.

“But, Mr. Ronnie, you gotta let me have the puppy. You just gotta!” The child actress begs before Blitzo hisses at her.

“Don't you touch her, you little anal fissure!” Blitzo yells as the audience begins to laugh, offending Blitzo “Oh, you think this is funny, assholes?!” Blitzo yells as he points to the child actor, who's trying to walk away from his outburst.

“She's not fit to be a mother! I saw her doing lines of coke in her dressing room!” Realizing how far off character he was, the producer sends his agents to try and deal with Blitzo.

“Now, uh... Ronnie. I think maybe you should–” An adult actress tries to say as she reaches for Uggie, but he smacks her off of him and the wig on her head before jumping in the crowd area.

“No! You can't have my baby, bitch!” As the agents corner Blitzo, he pulls out his pistol against them, with the screens above exclaiming "Oh, shit!"

“I'LL NEVER GET RID OF HER!” More people pile on top of Blitzo, and he shoots several of them in the head but is still trapped within the crowd.

“I'm coming, Blitzo! Excuse me! Would you mind?!” Stolas says tripping over someone 

As Stolas tries to move through the crowd to save Blitzo, he is pushed back. Quickly he becomes fed up with this, so he pauses as he begins to revert to his large demonic form, black feathers begin to pop out of his skin, and the red-tinted glasses fall off as they are replaced with his real second set of eyes. But before he finishes a stray shot from Blitzo narrowly misses him taking him out of his focus. 

It does however alert him to the several cameras surrounding making him groan. His eyes dart around the set as he tries to find an alternative way to help Blitzo before his eyes land on the water bottles in his arms.

He grabs one and punts it at an agent knocking him out, he gives a devilish grin as he begins throwing the acid-water-filled bottles at them with expert precision. However, he misses one shot and hits the producer causing the bottle to pop open. As the acid water spills all over him, burning his skin severely in turn it causes him to knock down the teleprompter, as it reads ‘Let it burn’ in red, lighting the stage on fire, and puts the lights out for a moment.

Stolas gets accidentally pushed back by the crowd, almost falling into one of the raging fires in the studio before Blitzo catches him by the arm.

“C’mon, let's go find our daughters!” He says determined, with his gun in hand, his pink shirt is ripped in half. An explosion bursts behind him highlighting his toned figure as Stolas blushes in response once again, before being dragged to the exit.

                                              ______

Loona is still looking around until she halts at a staircase seeing a crying Octavia by herself. Octavia looks up to see a blue hue next to her, which is Loona reverting back into her normal form.

“Oh hi…” Octavia says wiping her tears. 

“How did you find me? I don’t remember you ever getting my scent…” Octavia asks as Loons comes closer to her.

“Sinstagram. Nice pics by the way.” Loona says holding out her phone.

“Oh, thanks.” Octavia sniffles

You okay?” Loona asks sitting next to her.

“No! I just can't believe I was so stupid! I spent all day looking for a place where I could see the meteor showers. And all I get is... this!” She exclaims gesturing to the smoggy sky.

“Yeah, smog's a bitch.” Loona sighs as she attempts to light up a cigarette, but no flames come out. As she tries, Octavia snaps a flame for Loona's cigarette. Loona takes a puff before continuing.

“You know, your dad's really worried about you,” She says scooting closer to Octavia.

“Right! That's why you're here instead of him!” She scoffs.

“Octavia listen, I promise if he could be here he would be but—”.

“It's not that!” Octavia cries cutting Loona off.

They both stare at each other before Octavia turns her head in embarrassment, “Well it's not just that…  He’s promised me for years that he’d take me to see Azathoth's tears but he’s been so busy with that imp and yelling at my uncle that he doesn't even remember!” Octavia sniffles.

“I mean, my mom isn't even in the house and she still remembered to go on a ‘girl's weekend’! This is the one thing I’ve been wanting to do with me and he forgot… and on top of all that he’s not even here to come get me!” She cried stuffing her head back into her knees.

There's a pause between the two for a moment before Loona sighs “Sometimes... sometimes it's not as simple as that. This kind of shit gets messy, and everybody's got issues, especially your dad right now. And sometimes people just fuck up! And that's okay, plus it doesn't mean he doesn't care!”.

“Well if he cares, then where is he?” Octavia asks lifting her head

“He's somewhere down there,” Loona says pointing down to the city.

“He's here?”

“Looking for you. I mean... try to cut your dad some slack.” Loona says as she finally gets her lighter to work. “He may not always get it right, but... he's trying.” She says looking at the lighter and fixating on the I.M.P logo on it, and gives a smile as she looks towards Octavia.

Octavia looks at her by surprise, until she notices a light shining on her face, she looks up to see the full moon as the smog clears up. As the two stare at the moon, Loona turns off her lighter before throwing her cigarette, and stands up for a few stretches.

“You ready to go?” Loona says extending her hand to Octavia, but instead, she gives her the grimoire.

“Yeah.”

Loona gives her hand to Octavia once more, which she grabs, Loona lightly ruffling her feathers as they walk out together.

Down near the ground, the Starstruck Studios building is still burning, while police cars are heard, Blitzo and Stolas are walking away. Blitzo looks at his phone on the maps app with a location titled ‘Not Topic’.

“Now, if we could just find where…” Before he could finish his sentence a red portal appears in front of them, where Loona exits.

“Loona!” he calls as Octavia exits the portal after her.

“Oh, Loona, my sweet baby girl! I'm so sorry, I'll never replace you no matter what you–” Before he can finish his sentence, Loona furiously kicks him in the groin as he winces in pain.

“You're good,” Loona says as  Stolas painfully looks at Blitzo until he faces Octavia.

“Dad... I'm so sorry.” Stolas runs up to hug her, as he reverts to his demon form.

“Oh, I'm just relieved you're okay! But, what would possess you to do such a thing? You know I haven't taught you spells like this yet, you could have landed yourself somewhere worse than here!”

“Didn't think there was a place worse than here…” Loona said sarcastically.

“I just wanted to see the stars you promised to show me,” Octavia replied

“The stars?” Stolas gasped “Azathoth's tears! Oh, no. Oh, my dear sweet Via. I am so–” Octavia stops him as she hugs him.

“It's okay dad, I’m still a little upset but you're here now, and that's what matters!” 

Stolas returns the hug to his daughter. Loona watches happily, before noticing Blitzo trying to hug her, and she sighs and lets him hug her which he does happily. She then notices a faint glow in the sky, she looks as fireworks light up the night. As she begins to record she also notices the burning building not too far away from them.

“The fucks that about?” She asks as she turns around.

“My acting career.” Blitzo sighs with a laugh as more fireworks take off in front of them, Stolas and Octavia look up in awe.

“Oh look at that one! Did you see that one?” Octavia says happily.

“Hm, now where the fuck are M n' M?” Blitzo asks as his phone buzzes.

                                             ______

Millie is on her phone texting Blitzo, around the alley that she came from, the portal back to I.M.P Headquarters appears in front of her. Moxxie is carrying a heavy bag full of art paraphernalia.

“Geez, I never knew art could be so heavy! I mean, I would've never gotten around hell with a bag half the size of this!” Moxxie huffed.

Millie stepped into the portal, and before Moxxie could enter, he was stopped by another music salesman wanting to sell his CD's. Moxxie approaches to pay him for the demo, but Millie throws a knife and kills the salesman before Moxxie can pay him.

“March, mister!” She says throwing the C.D. to the ground.

Moxxie sighs as he begins walking toward the portal before Millie picks up and carries him effortlessly through, throwing the trophy bag behind her just before the portal closes. 

----------------------------------------------------------

Okay quick rant it took me days to get this out because it wouldn't paste properly!

Anyway, I hated Loona in this ep, she is so abusive to Blitzo and I don't really get why?

Also I have a conspiracy theory that someone on the writing crew has beef with Moxxie's va or something because the ‘ha ha Moxxie fat’ jokes don't make sense. It's just not funny and I will never understand it!

Also I thought Stolas being sexual with Blitzo and him not reacting as if last season didn't happen was weird! So I hope this rewrite addresses the issues me and others had with this ep.

Also if you have anything to add or say please do! I really enjoy talking about my work with other people.

#anti stolas #helluva boss critical #helluva boss critique #helluva boss criticism #helluva boss rewrite

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

Rewrite of the end of 'The Harvest Moon Festival'

Stella sat in an office, presumably her’s, breathing heavily, her glowing pink eyes staring down at her electronic phone. She stared at Stolas’s name typed in the search bar; she repeatedly refreshed the page before scrolling and then refreshing again.

She scrolled to bottom the page ready to refresh it again before she saw it, an article from the wrath ring. Her eyes widened with excitement seeing Stolas’s name, until she read the rest of it. ‘Goetia Prince Stolas professes love for imp dick?!?!’ in big bold letters. She clicked the headline quickly, skimming through the article, the website was terribly made, so many misspellings she assumed whatever imp had pulled it together favourite colour was red.

“I expect nothing more from those imps…” Stella hissed gripping the phone tighter, however considering it was an imp she doubted anyone would believe a word they said. “If they could even read it!” She cackled, ready to disregard the article I mean who would even take it seriously? Even with Stolas’s recent behaviour she doubted he would do something that outlandish. He was a cheater not an idiot, right?

She chuckled ready to exit out of the page until she saw a video attached, her eyes widened in horror as she clicked it. The video was clearly recorded on a shotty camera but it was still easy to tell it was Stolas, her breathing became unsteady as he listened to her husband talk about some imps dick. And more importantly he wasn't dead.

She replayed the video over and over as she felt herself becoming overtaken with rage, the tips of her fingers covered in a pink flame as she scratched at her desk. She slammed the phone down, surely breaking the screen as an imp Butler peeked his head in the door.

“I’m sorry but, didn't your mother teach you how to knock!?” She seethed, snapping her head toward the imp.

The imp gave a comically loud gulp, as he entered the room walking over to Stella her rotary phone on a platter in his hand, “Apologies miss,” the imp started readjusting his collar averting his eyes from Stella’s rage filled gaze. “But it's an urgent call for you, so I came as soon as I heard it-” The phone rang before he could finish.

Stella’s eyes softened a bit at his explanation, silently beckoning him over, the imp did just that walking until he was right next to her.

Stella grabbed the phone bringing it to her ear, the disgruntled voice of Striker the assassin she had hired came on, “Listen ma’am there's been a complication…” Striker started,

“You failed.” Stella said in a tone a lot calmer than Striker expected.

“I-i know ma’am I-”

“I had to pay you extra because of your ‘spouse fee' and this is the service I get?!” Stella screeched over the phone.

Striker pulled the phone away from his ear as he yelled, “I know I know, I’ll discount you on tha’ final payment. But don't worry ma'am… it won’t happen again.” Striker assured

Stella drummed her fingers on the already charred table, “It better not! I want that cheating prick dead!” Stella growled, her hand engulfed in flames again. “I don’t care who or what you have to go through, MAKE IT HAPPEN!” Stella yelled, practically incinerating a large chunk of her desk, as Striker pulled the phone away from his ear once again.

“Am I clear?” Stella said her voice shaking with rage as she smashed her fist into the table, falling back into her chair.

“Very,” Striker responds, Stella huffs in satisfaction, as she drops the phone onto the receiver.

“I’ll get next him time” Striker grins as he sits on the bed in the crappy motel he is stationed at. He chuckles, shutting off the light in the room hissing to himself as he plots his next move.

The imp next to Stella gulped again as she seethed , “Um also, miss dinner is ready and your hus-” He faked a cough as Stella’s eyes shifted towards him, “Your daughter requested you join them,” The imp butler said softly.

Stella grumbled to herself ready to decline Octavia’s request not wanting to see Stolas that evening, “She was also hoping to show you an outfit she had gotten after word!” The butler added

Stella sighed, “I suppose I have nothing better to do…" She replied, rising from her seat, the butler gave a small smile setting down the rotary phone into Stella’s desk. He rushed to the door holding it open while he held the platter under his arm, as Stella silently excited without uttering another word.

_______________________________________________

And another one finished! Again this is a short one, while I guess I didn't mind the original episode I had issues.

For one I feel like revealing that Stolas was just sitting there while she was saying all this and not reacting took away from the fear factor. Any real fear for Stolas's safety was taken away from the audience which makes it difficult to take both Stella and Striker seriously. So here I changed that, meaning at this point in the story while Stolas has his suspicions, he doesn't know for sure it was Stella who called the hit.

I also added the thing with Octavia because these two have had zero interaction in the show, so I wanted to characterize their relationship a bit more.

Also yes, I will eventually get around to fixing the formatting on the circus rewrite, I actually did a few days ago but it didn't save :').

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

MY THOUGHTS ON HELLUVA BOSS AS A WHOLE

I have sooo many things to say so I’m putting it here! Unfortunately, I’m not put together enough to compile this neatly. But meh. If there’s a character that’s not here, it means either I have nothing notable to say about them, or anything I had to say has already been said in another character’s portion.

Also I’m not discussing design the only design I REALLY hate is Bee’s because it's cluttered and boring okay? Okay.

I have beef with other designs but not enough to mention

I'm mostly talking about specific characters and relationships, and other things will be talked about in those! :3

Blitzo:

Starting with Blitzo because he’s clearly Viv’s favorite.

Blitzo is actually really well written in my opinion. He’s the flawed character type Viv should apply to ALL her characters. He’s not babied by the narrative half as much as any other character, and his issues are addressed multiple times and left to fester rather than being fixed immediately.

HOWEVER

I think the whole fire being a complete accident dumbed him down a lot. For all the buildup of him being selfish, it ended up thrown out the window because he genuinely had no malicious intent. Why is Barb so aggressive with him if it wasn’t his fault? Why did Fizz attribute it to being his fault with no actual basis. For all he knew, Blitzo could’ve been dead! 

His relationships with his friends, however, are much more interesting. He’s nosy and rude and frustrating to be around, but despite that they stick around. They care about him, but they also understand that he has many issues he refuses to address.

I have more thoughts but they focus on specific characters so I’ll save them for later. I like this guy a lot and I have too much to say about him.

Moxxie:

Moxxie is a great character! I think his backstory lined up nicely with how he actually acts (especially the “sir” bit. I thought that was clever, that he refers to men older than him, even his friends and people he dislikes, as “sir”)

I also understand his insecurities come from his father’s abuse and neglect.

HOWEVERRRR

I think his insecurities are too repetitive. He has THREE episodes where his insecurities need to be acknowledged and every time he goes back to the same shit. Unhappy campers was the first time Millie actually snapped at him over it and the first time it was addressed as hurting his friends (specifically his wife) just as much as it hurts him. He’s constantly needing to be picked up and reassured. Blitzo and him had a talk about his insecurities and yet. Unhappy Campers. And Harvest Moon festival hardly acknowledged his insecurities, however it did show some development at the end where he stood up to people he’d been scared to disappoint. But even then, he falls right back into it. Not only that, but he ended up getting hurt in the games because he insisted on proving himself to Millie. Millie’s never given him a reason to doubt she loves him. She’s so dedicated to him and yet they keep having this conversation.

I also don’t like how often his skills are underestimated by the narrative itself in favor of making Millie “tough” (and I’ll explain why I hate that in better detail when I get to her) and we only really get to see his skills a few times. On top of this, it undermines his role as the weapon guy. I like that he typically has a disadvantage in close combat, but even that’s not consistent! (He kills all those guys at the gas station without any real weapons) It’d be fine if him working on his close-range was actually addressed (instead of his insecurities being done for the 50th time) but it wasn’t, so it’s just. whatever.

I do like that he’s the most sympathetic out of all of them. It’s shown in the pilot first, where he’s visibly upset about hurting an innocent child (ofc he kills him later, but that's when he knows the kid clearly did something. Also he was rude to him.) Murder Family then shows it again, where he feels sympathy until given a reason not to (and even then, he still felt bad about it in the end) and it’s even shown when he was a child, sad to hurt someone he’d never even seen clearly before.

Also the fat shaming jokes aren’t funny especially when we’re supposed to treat it seriously when it happens to Fizz. Like, okay. Ur not funny.

His relationship with Blitzo is very fun as well, and I think it's funny that him being somewhat secretive about his personal life is a constant thing (He didn’t tell Millie about his family, and he doesn’t like Blitzo prying.)

Millie:

Buckle up it’s a woman so I have LOTS to say.

Viv has become kiiiinda infamous for how she treats her female characters, and unfortunately Millie is one of the worst examples.

She has very little depth. Everything I have thought out about her is inferred. I like that she doesn’t have a tragic backstory, but I think it’s weird that she seems to have several conflicts with her family that aren’t addressed.

So, I’m starting with the Inferences I’ve made.

She probably didn’t get a lot of spotlight because she has several siblings (Inferred from Unhappy campers, where she says she likes being in the spotlight for once)

Her parents, while they do love her, are very judgemental and strict based on the ending of Harvest Moon Festival, where her mother scolds her for getting hurt and Moxxie snaps at her.

And She’s competitive, based on her being banned from the games.

All of these things could’ve been easily put in if they’d focused on her instead of Moxxie’s jealousy in Harvest Moon. (Which ended up being unnecessary? It just showed us how whiny he can be tbh… And set up a rivalry against Striker that is brought up once after)

Her whole personality revolves around Moxxie. The Episode about her family revolved around Moxxie. The episode about Moxxie’s family revolved around Moxxie. Every episode about her revolves around her relationship with Moxxie. The one time she goes on a mission separate from him, it’s because he’s tied up and the episode hardly focuses on her even then, because it’s all about Blitzo and Moxxie.

This ends up affecting Moxxie’s character as well. He gets his character undermined by her being the “tough wife” because that’s her only notable trait. And it ends up affecting both of them and making it annoying to watch.

Also she has. Like. Zero genuine interactions with Blitzo. Which is a more personal nitpick but it’s still annoying. I think the only one is the one in Truth Seekers.

Also, it’s very easy to forget that Millie dated Chaz too, because we never find out why she dated him at all, or why she broke up with him. He clearly made her incredibly angry to hold a grudge for this long, but it’s all thrown out because then she suddenly only hates him because he betrayed Moxxie.

When she… Already hated him???? It’s lazy writing and pathetic.

I do like Unhappy Campers, though, and I hope the development in that episode sticks.

Loona:

GOD IM GONNA SOUND LIKE A BLITZO ASS KISSER BUT SHE PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH.

First things first, I don’t like that HER backstory was treated like a traumatic memory for BLITZO. That was dumb. Fuck off. And then it was turned into Stolitz fuel which. God.

Loona is another basic tough girl but she’s also a MEAN GIRL!!! YAAAAY…

She’s horrible. For someone who seems to “secretly care” about Blitzo, she sure does make his life kind of suck.

I could see not liking him. He DID walk into her life and place himself as her father. He’s overbearing and babies her, I GET THAT!

But she’s ridiculous. She has a whole conversation with Via about how she should forgive her dad because he does care about her and then goes and is a bitch to Blitzo again. For no reason. And then she does that stupid fucking side smile like “awww she loves that he was worried about her” i dont care actually. Its not funny and it’s dumb as hell. 

Also Blitzo’s self-loathing is an issue Loona knows about better than anyone. She goes home with him and sees him cross himself out of photos. She knows he sleeps on the couch instead of taking the only room. She knows he loves her, and hates himself, and yet she doesn’t make any effort to be kind to him. The most she does is take him home when he’s drunk. But only after getting defensive when Bee asked her to maybe help him out. She made that situation about HER. Like Bee was attacking HER. WHEN ALL SHE WANTED WAS TO HELP BLITZO???

We know very little about Loona and it’s hard to sympathize with her when all we see is her being horrible to Blitzo who is flawed but trying his best.

Her aggression could be great if it was handled well, (like at the party! I liked how she was with people, it showed off who she is) but with Blitzo it feels like she has soft moments just to have them, while having very little proof she actually cares about him.

It makes her just an add-on to Blitzo and a joke. She has potential.

I’m hoping the show will clean her up a bit later on. I don’t think I’ll ever really like her, but she has potential and I DID enjoy the Queen Bee episode.

Stolas (and his family, in a way. But Stella will get her own part when I critique a few of the villains):

Technically not a main character but eh I have things to say about him.

His writing is very lazy and very. All over the place.

It’s clear they don’t want him to be hated, but in preventing that, they remove any nuance in his relationships

Stella is just an evil bitch with 0 depth to her at all and Stolas is the poor sad husband who was forced to marry her. So cheating is okay.

I actually do think he’s at least a little justified in cheating on Stella in the context the show gave us. I just think that context is lazy and he shouldn’t be justified because it removes depth from both him and his relationships.

Also, he hardly ever starts fights with Stella and it’s always Stella throwing shit around but Via acts like HE’S the shitty one? The line “Why does he hate her more than he loves me” could’ve been GREAT if we say ANY EXAMPLES OF THAT. He doesn’t scream at Stella like Octavia said he does. And she also says him cheating ruined their family but??? It’s implied Stella’s been abusive this whole time!?!??! LIKE WHAT R U ON ABOUT???

His relationship with Blitzo is nice actually. I enjoy the one-sided love and whatnot. However (and this is an issue more so with the fandom? But I feel the need to put it here)

We don’t talk enough about how Stolas abuses his power to be with Blitzo. Using the book as a way to get Blitzo to sleep with him WAS SHITTY but people don’t acknowledge that. Instead, it’s like Blitzo’s the bad guy for… Not being ready to reciprocate Stolas’s feelings????

I just. I think Stolitz is waaay too complicated for how the fandom treats it and if they just. Get together next episode I’ll be pissed.

Stella:

Not a whole lot to say. She just has very little depth. And it’s not just that (bc, all in all, characters like Crimson and Mammon also have very little depth) she’s just made to be unlikeable???

Like she’s meant to be an annoying whiny bitch… Without anything about her you can really like. Which is bad writing.

(GOD VIV MADE VALENTINO MORE LIKABLE THAN STELLA FFS)

She has zero character outside of Stolas despite being a villain. Compared to Mammon (who so far has only been in one episode and is still more likable) and Crimson (Whos character doesn’t revolve around Moxxie) she’s boring.

Crimson has a lot more going on. He has his wife, he has a whole mafia, ect. He’s got a lot going on that people (me) are excited to explore.  He’s very greedy (He’s in the greed ring, after all) and he’s very persistent.

Mammon is made out to be as likable to the characters IN UNIVERSE as possible, while making comments clearly meant to be a dig at very real, greedy people. He’s portrayed as a nice guy who’s not actually nice. But not in a “he’s secretly mean” way but in a “he's very clearly mean he just says it with a good attitude”

Remember that these two have had two and one episodes respectively since being introduced. Stella’s been here since the PILOT and she has zero extra traits aside from spoiled brat and abusive wife. We know nothing about her. How did she grow up? How did she feel about getting married to Stolas? How is she with Via? (Since Via’s NEVER TALKED ABOUT HER RELATIONSHIP WITH HER MOTHER)

Also I hate her stupid brother. He literally exists to take any interesting villain traits away from her. I hate him so much.

Now I want to talk about relationships yaaaay

Millie and Moxxie I’ve already talked about thoroughly, and I’ve talked about Stolitz, so I want to discuss Blitzo with Verosika and Barb, as well as Fizz and Ozzie. (I’ve already said all I have to say about Blitzo and Fizz, that being that I think the circus situation being an accident is dumb)

I don’t think there’s much more to talk about aside from those? I dunno.

Blitzo and Verosika:

another example of shitty female writing but it’s not the WRITING exactly, it’s the presentation.

We meet Verosika and she’s IMMEDIATELY made out to be a massive bitch. Despite the fact that Blitzo fucked her over and admitted to it (and had no argument against her that ever proved she sucked in that relationship??) but she’s still presented as being terrible.

I mean, one of the first things she does is assault Moxxie which really wasn’t a necessary scene. I hate it so much. (Add it to the pile of things not taken seriously just because it’s Moxxie bc in Hazbin we’re meant to take that seriously but okay)

She’s made to be as unlikeable as possible despite how often we’re told she’s been wronged by Blitzo.

Blitzo and Barb:

Blitzo and Barb is. Complicated. I think both are in the wrong as much as everyone makes it out to be one or the other. I think it’s because we were presented with it in a weird way.

Again, this would have more impact if the fire wasn’t 100% an accident, but oh well.

I think Barb is justified in not wanting to see her brother. He is a part of her trauma, and she doesn’t want to be reminded of it. Him hunting her down was pretty shitty imo but it doesn’t make him a horrible person. Just ignorant and insensitive. But all we see is Barb yelling at him over something we later learned WASN’T HIS FAULT. It makes it hard to discuss because did she know it was an accident? Where’s their dad? How’s she been? Things that will probably be answered later, but I felt like talking about it anyways.

Fizz and Ozzie:

I have a few complaints about these two that I wanna talk about but they are, aside from Chaggie, my favorite canon hellaverse ship. Also I have a few things to say about the fandom that irritate me.

I like the pipeline of “love is stupid and you should be after lust” to “wow maybe I’m in love” but we didn’t really get to see that? I mean it felt like they were already in love in Ozzie’s so it has less impact. Also we don’t hear a whole lot actually ABOUT the idea of Asmodeous being in love from the POV of others. We see ONE newspaper headline and Blitzo calls them hypocrites and then we’ve got Mammon saying that revealing his secret was a mistake but we have nothing to make us feel like that’s true.

Also, I don’t think Fizz is infantalized the way people say he is. Like. He’s just smaller than Ozzie. And the whole like “C’mon big daddy, pwease” thing was ironic guys cmon. They were meant to look like a lovey-dovey couple because they can’t be lovey-dovey in public, that’s the point. It was to show us how little their relationship actually revolved around lust.

Also I’m a sucker for the big and tiny ship dynamic it’s funny to me <3

I do think it’s stupid that Ozzie builds the dolls despite knowing how uncomfortable Fizz is with them, although I suppose it could’ve been Fizz who insisted it was fine. But still, they don’t expand on that at all. If you don’t like it, why’d you do it? It’s not like Ozzie needs to do what Mammon tells him. He’s a sin, just like him!

And a lot of ppl keep misinterpreting the scene where Ozzie tells Fizz he doesn’t have to leave. I saw some people saying “oh fizz looks upset! Hes upset Ozzie said that!” he was upset because he felt bad for worrying him. He looks sad before apologizing. That’s the point. And we know from the special that what Ozzie said didn’t even hold up! “Oh he asked Blitzo to guard him!” that’s not why he called Blitzo we literally KNOW that was an excuse. Blitzo just happens to also be good at guarding him.

I DO think Ozzie can be overbearing, but tbh if you write a relationship (especially between a deadly sin and his famous imp bf) there’s gonna be issues. It’s not gonna be perfect. You can tell they disagree on things (“I know you’re not big on the whole Mammon thing”) and that’s how relationships are.

I also think the Fizz stuff got shoved on us way too fast. I mean, before all we knew about him was that he had possibly known Blitzo and that he was famous. And he was in a relationship(?) of sorts with Ozzie.

And then suddenly we get his backstory and then we get his whole thing with Mammon within two episodes. I just wish there’d been more buildup? Hell, we know more about these two than we do about LOONA. Which is so annoying.

AAAANYWAYS There’s probably more I could talk about, but this is what I really cared about so. Eh. Thanks for reading!!!!!!!

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

We don't know if they got a thank you because Stolas was busy with y'know checking up on Octavia. Also the M n' M where of doing something else so they really deserve a thank you. Also 'why are you justifying destruction of property' really as if everyone in this show hasn't done ten times worse...

Question for the critical community

Why is Stoliztz considered rape?

This is a genuine question because I'm confused, because while I agree that their relationship isn't healthy I don't see how it's rape.

I mean maybe during the circus episode I could kind of see someone arguing that it was coercion but even then it was more Blitzo feeling guilty than anything.

So please can someone explain it to me again I am genuinely just confused.

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

Thanks for ignoring everything I said like you have been for this entire thread! I'm finished with this because you aren't being mature.

Question for the critical community

Why is Stoliztz considered rape?

This is a genuine question because I'm confused, because while I agree that their relationship isn't healthy I don't see how it's rape.

I mean maybe during the circus episode I could kind of see someone arguing that it was coercion but even then it was more Blitzo feeling guilty than anything.

So please can someone explain it to me again I am genuinely just confused.

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

Also can you please try not to be so aggressive with your responses? I had another conversation like this in same thread with over 10 times less hostile than you.

Question for the critical community

Why is Stoliztz considered rape?

This is a genuine question because I'm confused, because while I agree that their relationship isn't healthy I don't see how it's rape.

I mean maybe during the circus episode I could kind of see someone arguing that it was coercion but even then it was more Blitzo feeling guilty than anything.

So please can someone explain it to me again I am genuinely just confused.

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

I understand what you're saying, but I can't agree with that. He didn't know they didn't realize she wasn't there all he knew was that his daughter was gone and the I.M.P had partial blame. Whether it is bad or not he still trusted them with a very powerful book and he assumed they kept it safe, they didn't and now is daughter is gone.

Question for the critical community

Why is Stoliztz considered rape?

This is a genuine question because I'm confused, because while I agree that their relationship isn't healthy I don't see how it's rape.

I mean maybe during the circus episode I could kind of see someone arguing that it was coercion but even then it was more Blitzo feeling guilty than anything.

So please can someone explain it to me again I am genuinely just confused.

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

I agree with pretty much everything else besides Seeing Stars. Blitzo had just told Stolas his daughter had gotten to the human world of course he was kinda upset?

Question for the critical community

Why is Stoliztz considered rape?

This is a genuine question because I'm confused, because while I agree that their relationship isn't healthy I don't see how it's rape.

I mean maybe during the circus episode I could kind of see someone arguing that it was coercion but even then it was more Blitzo feeling guilty than anything.

So please can someone explain it to me again I am genuinely just confused.

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

And thank you for better explaining it to me! A better understanding like this will help me to rewrite the story better.

Question for the critical community

Why is Stoliztz considered rape?

This is a genuine question because I'm confused, because while I agree that their relationship isn't healthy I don't see how it's rape.

I mean maybe during the circus episode I could kind of see someone arguing that it was coercion but even then it was more Blitzo feeling guilty than anything.

So please can someone explain it to me again I am genuinely just confused.

[once-upon-helluvaboss]

Ah okay I didn't know about that part I guess I assumed that maybe they were easier to get. So yeah I guess that does make sense the more I think about it thank you!

Question for the critical community

Why is Stoliztz considered rape?

This is a genuine question because I'm confused, because while I agree that their relationship isn't healthy I don't see how it's rape.

I mean maybe during the circus episode I could kind of see someone arguing that it was coercion but even then it was more Blitzo feeling guilty than anything.

So please can someone explain it to me again I am genuinely just confused.