oklahomapartisan
The Oklahoma Partisan
In case you ever doubted the wisdom of term limits.
746 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
Last Seen Blogs
wrongcaitlyn
wrongcaitlyn
plus-sizedscribe
Plus-Sized Scribe
angelsafez
𝐕𝐈𝐈𝐂𝐊𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐀
w3sxi6
調査F!LE-XX6
devilishmoonchild
MYSTICAL
Text
Speaker Asks Darrell Gilbert To Take Off Starfleet Uniform
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, says
he prefers the “Next-Generation”
-era uniform to its “Voyager” and
“Deep Space Nine” counterparts.
By Charles Haskell, Partisan Staff Reporter
For the fifth time is as many days, Rep. Darrell Gilbert, D-Tulsa, has been asked to refrain from wearing his Starfleet uniform while in session. House Speaker Larry Adair requested Gilbert take off the uniform, noting that it made the Tulsa representative “look like a dork.”
Gilbert has defended his choice of clothing. “This uniform means something to me,” Gilbert said.
“As the captain of the USS District 72, I feel it is my duty to fight for all of my Federation, whether they be human, Vulcan, Andorian or even Tellarite.”
This session, Gilbert has authored legislation to commend Ambassador Sarek for his service to the Federation and to memorializing Paramount to bring back the original “Star Trek” series in prime time. The House faced a similar showdown in 2000 when several representatives refused to take off their Josh Heupel and Rocky Calmus jerseys.
0 notes
Text
OKC Legislator's Alter Ego
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
An office pool is being run in the Senate Lounge. Some say It’s actually former senator, Gene Stipe in the white furry get up.
Others say that David Walters or Steve Lewis was trying to get into the lobbying racket…
Other rumors we’re working on (sort of)..
– AARP backs legislation to get those damn kids off their lawn
– Debate over competing appropriations bills intensifies: ‘Yo mama’s unconstitutional’
1 note
·
View note
Text
Republicans applaud installation of double standard in House chamber
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
Rep. Mike O'neal, R-Enid
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – House Republican leaders say they are “pleased” with the GOP’s installation of a double standard in the House chamber at the Capitol. Provided by the Oklahoma Republican Party, the standard allows GOP lawmakers to hurl criticism upon their Democratic counterparts without making themselves open to similar attacks.
For example, the standard allows Republicans to bemoan the legal problems of Oklahoma insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher while at the same time ignoring charges of sexual battery pending against Rep. Mike O’Neal, R-Enid.
Under the operation of the standard, Democrats who attempt to hide legislation under shell bills or floor substitutes are guilty of trying to deceive the people. Similar bait-and-switch tactics with Republicans, such as replacing a premarital testing bill with a gay marriage ban, are exempt from such accusations.
The standard also comes equipped with a “good old boy” attack mechanism, which allows House Republicans to whine about how the Democrats are slaves to wealthy special interests without a hint of irony. The standard is based off a similar program in place at the federal level, which allows Republican congressmen to denounce huge government deficits unless they are produced by a GOP administration.
0 notes
Text
Sen. Frank Shurden Revealed To Be Gamecock In Disguise!
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
“Holy cockboxing!” scream surprised lawmakers
“Bow before your chicken overlords!” warns longtime gamefowl advocate
By Robert Williams, Partisan Staff Writer
In a shocking twist on the Senate Floor, Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Henryetta, tore off his mask to reveal he was really an Oklahoma gamecock in disguise. “And so the invasion begins!” shrieked Shurden. Shurden has been a vocal opponent of a recent state law banning cockfighting. Approved overwhelmingly in a statewide election, the vote pitted urban opponents of animal cruelty against rural economic development. Following the ban, Shurden lobbied in favor of lowering the penalties and reducing the crime to a misdemeanor. Following the failure of that legislation, he crusaded to legalize “cockboxing,” where the animals would fight using tiny boxing gloves. That legislation died in a Senate committee when members realized that chickens don’t have hands.
Some have wondered why the senator would work so hard on behalf of the industry, but the pieces began to follow into place when it was discovered that “Sen. Frank Shurden” is actually an unemployed gamecock named Rooster McGee. The outing of Shurden/McGee disrupted normal Senate operations and pandering, and several entourages were left unescorted to the floor.
Frank Shurden, D-Henrietta
“The gentleman from Henryetta is recognized to be a chicken,”
said Senate Floor Leader Jay Paul Gumm.
“I am the cockfight king!”
screamed McGee.
Sen. Angela Monson, D-Oklahoma City, was briefly endangered when McGee lashed out with his feet, each talon equipped with razor-sharp knives. The fowl lawmaker was wrestled to the ground through the bipartisan cooperation of Sen. Johnnie Crutchfield, D-Ardmore, and Senate Republican Leader Glenn Coffee, R-Oklahoma City.
In the days since the dramatic unveiling, Partisan researchers have begun to uncover the strange history of Francis Shurden Rooster McGee. McGee was born in 1971, the Sooner-born offspring of a South Carolina gamecock. A rising force in the local circuit, McGee’s star was just beginning to rise as the animal rights movement began to pick up speed.
Following a nearly fatal injury in the ring that ended a promising career, McGee retired and set his sights on the political stage. Teaching himself to speak English, he worked briefly as a lobbyist before deciding to take matters into his own wings. “Frank Shurden” was first elected to the state House in 1978, disguised as a human in order to run. (State campaign laws do not recognize poultry or third parties).
In a press conference following the session, McGee announced that the gamecock revolution was nigh, and soon hordes of angry chickens would surround the Capitol. State Attorney General Drew Edmondson announced he would sue McGee for illegal deposits of chicken litter, but the Oklahoma Farm Bureau is lobbying for him to dismiss the suit.
0 notes
Text
Nearly 90% of Democrat genda for the children
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to a recent study, fully 87 percent of the Democrats’ 2004 legislation has been filed ‘for the children.”
“Children are our most precious natural resource,”
said Sen. Bill Mitchell, D-Lindsay.
“I fully believe that children are our future and we must invest in them.”
Mitchell invoked the children to bolster support for HB 1201, which modified auditing requirements for the Department of Agriculture. Democrats also cited Oklahoma youth as the reason to deregulate SBC, modify the districts of the Oklahoma Peanut Commission and allow campaign fundraising in Oklahoma County.
Republican leadership has been skeptical of the Democrats’ tactics, noting that the children probably didn’t give a damn about how much the Commissioner of Agriculture was paid.
“I mean, I guess if you’re boosting pre-school funding, I can understand,” said Sen. Fred Morgan, R-Oklahoma City. “But how is redrawing the districts of the Peanut Commission ‘an investment in Oklahoma’s young people?’”
But Democratic lawmakers disagreed. “We must protect those who cannot protect themselves,” said Rep. Jari Askins, D-Duncan. Askins said a vote against HB 1805, regarding automated external defibrillators, would be “a vote against babies, puppy dogs, flowers and sunny days.”
“We have a duty to protect Oklahoma’s youngest, and I take that obligation seriously,” said Sen. Barbara Staggs, D-Muskogee, in defense of a bill that would exempt cellular towers from the definition of “telecommunications services” for tax purposes.
“Before voting for this bill, I would ask you to please, please think of the children.”
As of press time, the children were unavailable for comment.
0 notes
Text
Sen. Riley Busted For Passing Notes During Session
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
Sen. Nancy Riley, R-Tulsa, was busted last week for passing notes to Sen. Kathleen Wilcoxson, R-Oklahoma City.
Senate President Pro Tempore Cal Hobson, D-Lexington, observed Riley passing the note during debate for the governor’s cigarette tax proposal. Following acknowledgement of her action, Riley was asked to read the note before the entire Senate.
“Oh my God,” read Riley’s note, “Jim (Reynolds, R-Oklahoma City), is so hot. I think I’m going to ask him to go to the pro-family rally this weekend, or maybe to the mall.”
Following the praise of Reynolds, the note turned to inquiries about Wilcoxson’s weekend plans, specifically whether or not she was going to get her hair done. The message closed with a brief criticism of the dress worn by Sen. Penny Williams, D-Tulsa. Riley said she was “totally embarrassed” by the public reading and vowed to criticize Hobson’s hair in future notes.
0 notes
Text
Attorney General Says Anti Bullying Laws Cover 'Lampoon Journalism'
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
If we’re not publishing next week, it’s probably because David Prater had us locked up in Sheriff Whetsel’s uber secret ‘Dungeon of Fantasy Sadistic Arts’.
Otherwise we’re working on..
– Senate Democrats straight-up pimp slap lieutenant governor
– Existentialists demand meaningless tort and workers comp reform
0 notes
Text
Panel Recommends Feeding Carroll Fisher To Shoeless Orphans
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
The committee investigating embattled insurance commissioner Carroll Fisher has wrapped up their investigation.
Rep. Opio Toure, D-Oklahoma City chaired the commission, and said that, rather than calling for Fisher’s impeachment, they will simply feed him to a collection of shoeless orphans.
Fisher is facing accusations that he stole money from a charity he operated. The charity was supposed to provide shoes to poor kids.
Republicans say Fisher collected money, but spent it on booze and hookers. Democrats merely assume he spent it on booze and hookers.
0 notes
Text
Veteran Lawmakers Allege Political Sabotage
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
Sen. James Williamson
The House & Senate Sophomore classes are among the ‘persons of interest’ in a complaint that dirty tricks are being played on veteran lawmakers.
We’re working on a few stories which aren’t ready yet. We’ll publish when we can.
– Aging, ugly lawmakers demand more soft light for official photos.
– Sen. James Williamson changes tune after ‘Queer Eye’ makeover
0 notes
Text
Freaky-ass Buffalo Statues Best Viewed on Ecstasy
Freaky-ass Buffalo Statues Best Viewed on Ecstasy
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
Above: One of Oklahoma’s City’s new
“Spirit of the Buffalo” statues that is freaking awesome
when you’re totally out of your skull, man.
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – According to a new study by the Oklahoma City Chamber of Commerce, the city’s freaky psychedelic fiberglass buffalo statues are most enjoyable when residents are tripping balls.
The “Spirit of the Buffalo” project is designed to increase awareness of nature conservation. Already, the exhibition has drawn rave reviews from residents whether they be stoned, f*cked up, trippin’ or hammered. “Dude, I am blitzed out of my fuckin’ mind here,” said Shane Boyd, Dairy Queen cashier and part-time skateboarder.
“Is that buffalo supposed to be wearing a tie?”
he asked, vaguing gesturing toward a buffalo statue that was, in fact, supposed to be wearing a tie. Sponsored by local corporations and decorated by a variety of artists, the downtown statues have been alternately described as freaky and trippy.
A Chamber of Commerce survey reported that the most common response was “Whoa” followed closely by “that is not even right, man.” Spectators said the statues were most enjoyable when viewed on Ecstasy, followed by acid, shrooms, pot and pseudoephedrine. In any case, the fiberglass statues now outnumber Oklahoma’s real buffalo population by a 3:1 margin.
0 notes
Text
Industry Opposes 55-cent Increase On Meth Tax
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – A spokesman for Oklahoma’s methamphetamine industry says a proposed 55-cent would hurt the state’s already-struggling pharmaceutical manufacturing business. Gov. Brad Henry proposed the tax hike last month, saying the money would be used to provide Oklahoma teachers with cabana boys, liquor, and “all the coke they can snort.”
However, a Durant meth manufacturer says the tax will simply drive customers to cheaper sources of the drug
“Them there’s that wants it, they just gonna get it on the Internets on in Texas,”
said Lucas Boduke, a meth “chef” and part-time wife-beater. “Big government sumbitches always trying to take my sheeit,” said Boduke who, like many Oklahomans who complain about big government, derives most of his income from government subsidies and welfare payments.
An official from the Oklahoma Education Association defended the need for the money. “Those cabana boys and liquor are for the children,” said Daisy Perosco, executive director of the union’s Bitching-and-Moaning Division. “Why do you hate children, you bastards?”
0 notes
Text
Toby Keith Fights For Drinkin Fightin Deregulation
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) –
Country music superstar Toby Keith is asking lawmakers to deregulate the state’s drinkin’ and fightin’ industries. The 43-year-old Oklahoma native says government oversight has stunted the field.
“Some times you just gotta get drunk and put a boot up someone’s ass,”
said Keith.
Currently, state laws regulate the time, place and manner in which an individual may consume alcohol. Keith says such laws prevent many from entering the profession on a full time basis.
Furthermore, said Keith, current anti-fighting laws discourage the use of pool cues and broken beer bottles.
Sen. Frank Shurden, D-Hanna, will carry a similar bill in the Senate, along with an amendment that will legalize kicking city boys’ scrawny asses.
0 notes
Text
Developing: Kris Steele Is Not An 'Adult Film' Actor
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
Rep. Kris Steele
We’re still working on these breaking headlines:
– Jay Parmley booted for endorsing actual Democrat to lead national party
– Despite awesome name, Kris Steele isn’t a porn star
We’re sorry for the delays, but good journalism requires a commitment to the facts.
0 notes
Text
Coburn MacGyver Team Up To Defuse Social Security Time Bomb
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
Maverick Senator unleashes the fury of private investment accounts
Tom Coburn and MacGyver saved the
nation from a Social Security Nighmare.
Afterwards, the studly duo vowed to
take on North Korea.
By Lee Cruce, Partisan Staff Reporter
WASHINGTON (OP) – Our nation’s chief executive breathed a little easier last night, as Senator Tom Coburn, R-Oklahoma, and MacGyver, Troubleshooter Extraordinaire, defused America’s ticking time bomb, the Social Security System. “Our nation owes a debt of gratitude to Coburn and MacGyver,” said President George W. Bush.
As the president, vice-president, and several agency officials have repeatedly told the American press, Social Security was in danger of exploding unless private accounts were immediately installed.
However, while the danger was as clear and present as weapons of mass destruction, there was Congressional resistance to drastically overhauling the federal program. Shrieking, weak-kneed liberals were convincing some of the more cowardly Republicans to do nothing, and allow the bomb to keep ticking.
Nonetheless, conservative crusader Coburn was committed to the destruction of the system, and he knew just the person to call.
Angus MacGyver is a free-lance adventurer for the Phoenix Foundation, most active in southern California during the 1985-92 television seasons. He had worked with Coburn for a time while fighting against Homicide International Trust.
At a press conference last week, Coburn and MacGyver detailed how they discovered the problem while adventuring together in the Arbuckle Mountains.
At the time, they had access to only a few common household objects: a paper clip, a rubber band and 24,601 ways to cut vital social services in order to fund private investment accounts.
On the scene, Coburn used his skills as a politician and physician to brew up a smokescreen using workers compensation reform and hefty imitations on malpractice lawsuits. This shielded the duo from public oversight, giving MacGyver time to yank out the Social Security safety net and replace it with privatized accounts created out of a rubber band and a fistful of Wal-Mart coupons.
On Monday, Coburn and MacGyver were presented with the Congressional Medal of Honor, but the maverick lawmaker declined the honor.
“Just doing my job,”
said Coburn, flashing the “thumbs up” sign.
0 notes
Text
Senate Health committee Certifies Beastie Boys Oklahomas Most Ill
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – The Senate Health and Human Resources committee met last week to certify popular hip-hop group The Beastie Boys as Oklahoma’s “illest.” Michael Crutcher, head of the Oklahoma State Department of Health, asked for official recognition of the Boys’ illness.
“As we have known for some time, they got the ill communication,” said Crutcher,
“It is important to acknowledge that the group is, in fact, ‘licensed’ to ill.”
Committee Chair Bernest Cain, D-Oklahoma City, questioned Crutcher as to the qualifications of the Boyz from Brooklyn.
“While it is clear to me that the Beastie Boys rock the hizouse, would you also say that they got the skillz to pay the billz?”
Cain asked.
“Word up,” said Crutcher. The bill cleared the committee unanimously, following a brief pause to raise da roof.
0 notes
Text
Yellow Ribbons Help State Troopers Target Subversives
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
Profiling patriotism on the roadways is an essential tool for increasing driver competence. We all know that God & Country haters are generally too incompetent to drive safely, so we feel totally justified by the otherwise virtue-signaling collection of oversized refrigerator magnets and vinyl clutter.
Other headlines we’re pursuing;
– Stoned lawmaker votes to order pizza
– Bill Graves checks watch, resumes waiting for Rapture
– RIP: Hunter S. Thompson 1937 - 2005
0 notes
Text
Sonic Exectives Say legalizing Marijuana Would Boost Sales
From the archives of Oklahoma’s great political satire writers of decades past, we bring you this classic reprint of a spoof that caused more than a little irritation to the political class on Lincoln Blvd.
OKLAHOMA CITY (OP) – An Oklahoma City-based restaurant chain is asking the state legislature to legalize marijuana, noting that habitual users of the drug find the company’s products “hella-tasty.” Sonic, which bills itself as “America’s Drive-In,” serves up hamburgers and hotdogs in hundreds of locations around the country.
Executives say the company’s products are especially popular among those with “the munchies,” a side effect of marijuana intoxication. In a presentation before the House Business and Economic Development Committee, Sonic executives said statewide legalization of the drug would boost sales throughout the industry, from McNuggets to Taco Mayo’s “bitchin’” potato locos.
In a recent study, Sonic customers who did not use marijuana rated their food from “fair” to “excellent.” However, users with the munchies said the same products were “friggin’ awesome dude.” Habitual marijuana users, also known as “stoners,” are also less concerned with customer service. They also have little use for napkins, straws and correct change.
According to Sonic estimates, stoners currently comprise only 10 percent of the company’s customers, yet account for 40 percent of sales. They also form 70 percent of the company’s workforce, primarily line cooks and night managers. Last year, Sonic was believed to donate millions in campaign contributions. An exact amount was unavailable, however, since much of the special interest money was covered in chili and cheese.
0 notes