oflolth

[oflolth]

like nearly all my saves were corrupted ( love u larian. pls stop doing things that are bad! ) so it's wizard nathbryn era again

#ooc. #LIKE #i'm genuinely not mad abt it #i still have sen's save because there weren't enough mods on it to fuck with it #and a few old dark urges #feels good? nice fresh start? #will need to do another cleric run for nathbryn / paladin run for istvan maybe. but. #barrison del'armgo is iirc known more for soldiers and wizards than for their cleric output #and nathbryn was originally a more neutral wizard and wyll romancer ( dunno if that'll pan out this time because she has /changed/ since ) #so this is sort of a mix #and honour mode is still a vibe

[oflolth]

very unedited and like bear with me i am. processing. ( i had to add this disclaimer because i was like no you should banish this post to your drafts and make it clearer but at present i think it being stream of consciousness is just how things must be skdfhksdf ) but . okay . i think istvan absolutely hates the grove but will still definitely save it tbh just on the basis that in this conflict, the grove ( or specifically the tieflings, anyway ) are not the aggressors but the racism aimed at him within the grove is just. like it affects him deeply in ways he's not even ready to admit at this point in his life and his development. having his people reduced to a monolith, and getting hit with "you're brave to walk around without hiding your heritage" from zevlor while he is quite literally on the run from the society in which he was raised, when he's had to forgo cultural practices that were genuinely dear to him in order to hide. like. it hurts but he doesn't really have the vocabulary or trust built up to share that pain with anyone, and as long as it exists solely within him, he will seek to invalidate it, because for istvan at present, it just is a lot more manageable if he can like. internalize it instead of pushing back. like. hm. he is doing his damn best to "hide [his] heritage" but that, for him, without a literal disguise self moment, is not possible. and part of hiding his heritage is isolating it to something he only deals with in his own head. and part of that as well like... okay so yeah, i started this post off by being like "man hates the grove" but i think he can't even really connect to that hatred without feeling like it is a failing on his part? which. he has a lot of growth to do towards accepting his own vulnerability and accepting that like sometimes people are assholes and he is absolutely allowed to be furious abt that but rn . i think that would just make it hurt a lot more for him.

like. also. he is told by his family that he is not enough of what they are, and that he is lesser for it, and then the message he gets on the surface is that he is too much of what he is, and that he's lesser for it. and it's like. [screams]

#istvan ; headcanons. #ooc. #fantasy racism cw #racism cw #just in case #abuse cw #cptsd cw #because i think that also kind of #like idk i think that sort of. makes it more difficult as well #and is sort of a factor here even if i'm not /directly/ touching on it #bc like in the underdark racism was still affecting him in some VERY different ways #( it being alleged he was not fully drow ) #( as a way of putting him down at times ) #but there i think that the issues he faced were also like. obv. sexism + just general abuse within his family and also during his education #and so its like. this is different! but this is still awful! #and in a way it doesn't entirely feel different to him at all #wary of projecting my own experiences but also how else can one write smtms #like that's just a human thing innit. but it feels weird to talk abt it on my blog for some reason #anne carson vc to feel anything strips u naked. anyways #ask to tag #in case i missed anything

[oflolth]

" that's alright, " says istvan. he watches lex curiously for a moment, struck not by his admission that he'd forgotten, but by the manner in which it was delivered. he focuses on the wrong thing, perhaps: lex has apparently slept well, and istvan, pleased by this, is content to move on.

breakfast is started. istvan feels a vague sense of unease, though he can't identify its source - and when he sits down and busies himself with fire and food, he finds he still can't piece it together.

" i think, " he says, brow furrowed, and then his mouth shuts, and ' i think, ' which was supposed to have some follow up, just sits there as a statement all its own.

he goes away for a moment, within himself, as he cooks. he realizes he doesn't like the grove. in it, he had felt the shadow of menzoberranzan. kagha in particular had unsettled him, but the rest, even the tieflings... the way they had looked at him.

brave to go around without hiding your heritage, one had said. as if istvan does not work every day to hide it. his braids are as gone as home is. the former, he may one day grow back. as for the latter - no going back. the way is shut.

he serves breakfast, and is privately glad he was too dead to get up earlier in the day. glad he was left behind. glad, too, that lex is the one who stayed with him. he finds himself smiling at lex, and then realizes he may need to come up with a reason to justify that smile. it falters. " your eyes look- good? " he blurts out, and then wonders where in the hells that comment came from. not that lex's eyes don't look good - whether or not they do is besides the point. why can't he hold his tongue?

lex was far less certain than istvan,   but he dropped it for the other man's sake.  he was curious what it was that drove him to drop such a thing so swiftly,  if it was forgiveness or something else entirely.  the wizard wasn't sure if he ought to admire or protest it.

he watched the warrior move past,  a little concern lingering still in his verdant eyes.  his gaze was searching,  watchful,  ensuring the other man wasn't too weak to fall in his attempts at standing and moving.  he wasn't,  mercifully.  lex relaxed a bit.  he was worried now what in the hells astarion was going to do about his meals for the future,   but the wizard could keep it to himself for now.   

“you know,”   the wizard said in response,   “if you did,   i already forgot.”   because he was losing his fucking mind.  the more time he spent on this plane,   the more he was losing his fucking mind.  the thought hit him like a sword hilt to the face.   it was absolutely mad,  and yet somehow it felt even less absurd than reviving a man who had just been drained to death by a vampire who walked in the sun.  “but,   yeah,   well enough.”   not as good as a dead man,   but pretty good.  he slept pretty soundly for a man a little unused to sleeping outside.   he went to the slab of rock where the rest had been eating earlier,  relieved when he found a couple of leftover honeyed buns squirreled away in a basket.  “wish they'd waited for us,  but i think everyone else went to trade with the grove.”   lae'zel had been adamant about getting more arrows.

#going to roll insight for this perhaps #HE ROLLED AN 8 #lol. rip. #apologies for replying right away sdkfhskdf i logged in after like a few days (? time is confusing ?) and saw this and was like #[chekov vc] i can do zat #istvan ; ic. #starlyht #i love 'verdant eyes' as a descriptor btw #trying to simulate my own autism for istvan by also rolling for his own self reflection #HE ROLLED A 20. #AN EPIPHANY ! #a minor epiphany. it's only act 1. #god the grove is sooooo. #i stare into space #fantasy racism cw #just in case anyone wants to avoid that #it does get kinda real smtms im like #Are You Ready To Die Druid? #god im having flashbacks to dragon age now #when the allegory creates a weird experience accurate to ur own life and then u just have to wander into the woods for a bit #and scream #( proverbial woods and proverbial screams ) #like ig i cld go to the woods but theres coyotes in there #i'm so sorry to anyone who reads these tags. ik they're excessive.

[oflolth]

started simply rolling for everything in threads related to istvan realizing things because i have to gatekeep knowledge and insight

#ooc. #hi ! #i'm still here + still working on bios and blogs and stuff #honestly tho i love when my guys roll crit fails #adds flavour

[oflolth]

" and it is good of you to know your place, " said nathbryn gently. " i myself feared, when i spared the heretic, that i had stepped out of mine. i- i am sure she will die in time, likely by our hands, when she has outlived her use... " she had half expected to be struck down herself for the oversight. and when she had spared minthara again... had there been a reason, the second time?

had nathbryn not been thinking of lolth as she'd intervened? she struggled to remember.

there had been no punishment from her goddess. silence, yes, and that felt like a punishment in itself, but there could have been far worse.

the silence itself could have been far worse. months of quiet stoking disquiet.

she ground her teeth. to give voice to the questions now swimming in her skull would betray an uncertainty not for- well, she would not call it polite company. these questions were not for faithful company. though that thought, when examined, seemed to nathbryn ridiculous. she had nothing to be afraid of. she would not stray; if sol'rys questioned that, she was free to cut him down. and so, the questions, voiced in a way that denies ( and overcompensates for ) uncertainty: " what would you propose we do with her? "

he said nothing.   to anyone else he would not tolerate the response,   but to her he curbed his tongue.   for a few heartbeats the ranger watched her go before closely following.   he kept pace effortlessly despite the armor he’d insisted on wearing regardless the tame nature of their intentions,   not trusting there wasn’t a possibility of more of shar’s undead justiciars patrolling the vicinity.   he would not be caught unprepared by anyone or anything.   an unprepared warrior was a dead warrior,   deservedly so.

he’d been content with silence,   though when nathbryn spoke he couldn’t say he regretted it.   an asset to lolth.   he’d desired nothing more than to make himself into something of use.   he didn’t need to be a wizard or sorcerer to do that.   despite the scolding,   it was nonetheless warming to feel his efforts hadn’t gone unappreciated,   and no less to a cleric.   “you're right.   i’ll try to be more thoughtful,”   he answered quietly.   it was all he could do.   he considered himself far more competent with his swords than his wit nevertheless.

“i’d said nothing because i didn’t think it my place to,”   he said slowly,   unsure if it was honesty nathbryn looked for.   still, his response would likely be what she would have expected.   minthara’s special brand of condescension vexed him,   never failing to make him gnash his teeth.   it was clear how little care he paid her.   “but i don’t like having to civilly share any space with a heretic.   still, even i can’t deny she has her uses.”   though it grudged him to admit it,   minthara was a fine warrior.   alas how much more she could have been.   a fine warrior but a blight on her house's name after all of the favors lolth had heaped upon them.  that it hadn't been enough for her stunned him.   “that's what matters for now,   isn't it?”

#okay ur so right tho #starlyht #the thing i'm wondering is why nathbryn is asking sol'rys instead of lolth #suspicious! #[jennifer lolth-sworn melfi vc] nathbryn let's unpack that #nathbryn ; ic.

[oflolth]

i am in fact managing a reply ( i started thinking about lolth again ) and . oftentimes nathbryn, even with other people who are arguably exactly as devoted to lolth as she is, and with whom she has no quarrel whatsoever, will think of lolth as her goddess in a manner that implies she is a step above, instead of as their ( plural ) goddess.

#nathbryn ; headcanons. #bev midnightmass moments #and i don't think nathbryn is /always/ like this. #she does have these brief flashes of insight and clarity and horror but like #those can't really be allowed to breathe? she has to stamp them out #because i mean honestly the alternative to devotion for her is. perhaps not survivable #ask to tag

[oflolth]

so i think i'm going on a very small semi - hiatus as i think about maybe condensing my characters ( canons included ) to one blog + work on moving things over in case i do that. replies & plotting messages i owe will still happen, but i think my current dash / drafts / etc are giving me sensory overload a bit so i'm like... going to work on figuring that out.

#ooc. #at the very least i need an offshore blog in which to launder replies #and to like... experience quiet #brains. man. so annoying #( everyone's fave intellect devourer is excluded from that statement. @us ur an angel and we're glad you're here ) #anyway i'm sorry for posting starter calls and then doing this JKSDFHK that was part of an attempt to get my mind working again but. #i shrug

[oflolth]

SENTENCE STARTERS | MASS EFFECT 2

feel free to change pronouns if needed ! ____ signifies a place where you can insert a name. 

❝ Never thought you’d save my life. Guess that makes us even now. ❞ ❝ I’m never wrong. I thought you’d have learned that by now. ❞ ❝ We can argue over who killed who later. Right now, we have a job to do. ❞ ❝ This is going to be one tough son of a bitch to take down… ❞ ❝ I’m still human. I make mistakes like everyone else. ❞ ❝ Things explode around you. You can’t blame me for wanting to keep an eye on you. ❞ ❝ If you’re looking for weapons, you’re not doing a very good job. ❞ ❝ I always liked you. You’re as likely to heal me as you are to shoot me. ❞ ❝ Do try not to get killed too fast. You’re only a distraction as long as you’re alive. ❞ ❝ You’re a tough son of a bitch. I didn’t think you’d be up yet. ❞ ❝ If I’m walking into hell, I want someone I trust at my side. ❞ ❝ Never thought I’d say this, but I’m glad it’s you shooting up the place. ❞  ❝ This what passes for food out here? My tastes run more along the lines of edible. ❞ ❝ Just once I’d like to ask someone for help and hear them say, “Sure. Let’s go. Right now. No strings attached.” ❞ ❝ I’m sorry, I’m having trouble hearing you. I’m getting a lot of bullshit on this line. ❞  ❝ You’re about to find out what happens when you piss me off. ❞ ❝ You seem like the strong sensitive murdering type. Always good to have around. ❞ ❝ I’m good with our current amount of headbutting. I’d say we’re at headbutting capacity. ❞ ❝ Thank you. You gave me purpose…Now, let’s find something big to kill! ❞ ❝ What idiotic bunch of hormones thought that now was a great time for love? ❞ ❝ Good deeds are like pissing yourself in dark pants. Warm feelings, but no one notices. ❞  ❝ The universe is a dark place. I’m trying to make it brighter before I die. ❞ ❝ I’ve taken many bad things out of the world. You were the only good thing I ever added to it. ❞ ❝ Time for me is short, but any I have is yours to take. ❞ ❝ Dead is dead. There’s no such thing as a good way to go. ❞ ❝ ____ tried to kill you once, and all it did was piss you off. I can’t imagine they’ll stop you this time. ❞ ❝ Remind me to never get on your bad side. ❞ ❝ We can disobey suicidal orders? Why wasn’t I told~? ❞ ❝ I will fight and struggle all my life; that is my fate. When I die, it will not be in bed. I am at peace with that. ❞ ❝ If you are worthy of your command, prove your strength and try to destroy me. ❞ ❝ I’d never stab you in the back. Warriors like you and me: straight to the face! ❞ ❝ I.DO.NOT.GET.SICK!!!!! ❞ ❝ I’m not complaining, but you show up at the strangest times… ❞ ❝ That may go down in history as the shortest interrogation ever… ❞ ❝ You can either fight by my side or get crushed under my heel, but you will not get in my way! ❞ ❝ I’ll only relinquish one bullet. Where do you want it? ❞ ❝ Every time you order us to face impossible odds, I have to remind myself that I volunteered for this. ❞  ❝ Thanks for taking care of ____. Saves me having to beat him to death with his own spine. ❞ ❝ I’m tired…I’ll nap. Destroy the universe later. ❞ ❝ Everyone was always ignoring you and hitting on me. At least now this gives you a fair shot. ❞ ❝ Okay, that makes my legs hurt just watching it, and my knees are meant to bend that way. ❞ ❝ You just had to give the enemy tactical advice, didn’t you?! ❞ ❝ The way you move…it’s incredible! You’re like a dancer, grace and power in constant motion. ❞ ❝ I’m not going to die from an infection in the middle of battle. That’s just insulting! ❞ ❝ You know, for a bunch of cheap touristy crap, your prices are pretty high. ❞ ❝ I’ve seen so many things go wrong…I want something to go right, just this once. ❞  ❝ You do realise this plan has me walking into hell too, right? ❞ ❝ You sure as hell know how to make enemies… ❞ ❝ I’ve spent too much time and effort on this to let you get killed now. ❞ ❝ Look into my eyes and tell me you want me. Tell me you’d kill for me. ❞ ❝ If I have to fight through guards, I’ve made a mistake. I rarely make mistakes. ❞

#memes. #no look i KNOW i shouldn't be reblogging memes #BUT IT'S MASS EFFECT #one time my friend asked me one q abt mass effect and my reply was so long that i ended up literally turning it into an essay #it sits on my laptop unfinished somewhere..... i pretend i do not see it.......... but like #god i hate mass effect (affectionate)

[oflolth]

good morning today i'm going to do things i said that i would do. plot + starter wise? if caffeine allows?

#ooc. #caffeine may allow but my brain doesn't #SO sorry but this all may need to wait #but i will slowly but surely start reaching out in the coming days #tbh i am considering moving blogs so that i can focus better #KJSHDFKJDSHF

[oflolth]

i'm going to wander off and draft some starters on my astarion but while i'm here, starter call ( and, i realize after having typed this out, plot call ) ! like this post and / or specify muse ! if we haven't plotted much at all yet i may message you for a bit of plotting if that's alright ( maybe even just like... idk i may ask if there are any narrative directions / themes u wld like to explore ? or i'll bring some forth ? to open a little door up for dynamics ? )

#ooc. #oh reblogging this just in case #self reblog //

[oflolth]

good morning today i'm going to do things i said that i would do. plot + starter wise? if caffeine allows?

#ooc. #yesterday i just drew all night and conceptualized the new guy #gender as of yet undetermined #gender: caiman waiting to eat something #gender: death #gender: spider baby #( they're a dark urge )

[oflolth]

i'm going to wander off and draft some starters on my astarion but while i'm here, starter call ( and, i realize after having typed this out, plot call ) ! like this post and / or specify muse ! if we haven't plotted much at all yet i may message you for a bit of plotting if that's alright ( maybe even just like... idk i may ask if there are any narrative directions / themes u wld like to explore ? or i'll bring some forth ? to open a little door up for dynamics ? )

#ooc. #will also be getting to replies i owe !!! #i'm a bit overwhelmed ( this is my fault and nobody else's to be Very clear ) by memes so i'll be trying to force myself to focus more on #threads instead

[oflolth]

i have talked myself out of house do'urden, thankfully

new horrible guy incoming btw

#ooc. #yay ! #eyeing faen tlabbar #among others

[oflolth]

choosing a noble house is always so bad for me because the crack urge is like do'urden. come ON. do'urden. i m a g i n e

new horrible guy incoming btw

#ooc. #i'm doing research to figure out if this makes sense timeline and lolth favour wise #( sorry to vespera ) #( we may still dodge this bullet ! i'm looking at other options too ) #i am wary of my desire to make a char a do'urden for the bit just bc like. on the one hand their history is well documented which! great! #on the other. fitting a character into a family history that is more cohesive is like. maybe mildly intimidating so

[oflolth]

new horrible guy incoming btw

#ooc. #there is scheming #lolthscheming #scheming of lolth #look what the energy drinks have done to me michael

[oflolth]

honestly my expectation based on the last time i ventured into indie was that i wld need to like. never speak abt my ethnicity online ( at least not publicly ) . but like okay while i am still paranoid and i still probably will not i do really appreciate seeing like ! idk . v good & positive posts not only abt representation but also abt cultural experiences on my dash and like :')

#ooc. #tbd perhaps bc i have energy drink related stress rn but KJHSDKFH #like it's very nice #n yeah like skjdhfksdh ty all for being chill truly #!!!!

[oflolth]

i'm doing the best that i can. you don't agree with my decisions, then go right ahead and choose someone else to be your herald !

an extremely private & selective writing blog for inquisitor trevelyan from dragon age : inquisition , with heavy influences in baldur's gate 3 . follows canon, but also heavily headcanon based . featuring verses in final fantasy, modern au's, witcher, lord of the rings, etc. written by farrah , 27, she / her.

#promo. #she !!!