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Henri Ottevaere (1870-1944), Le Jardin d'Eden, 1901. Tryptich

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so i’ve been feeling very insecure/jealous lately. my boyfriend is currently travelling alone in mexico (he planned this trip before we were together, that’s why i’m not with him) and met some people along the way. he’s doing a trip from Cancun all the way to Mexico city. in his hostel in Tulum he met a woman, who is also solo travelling. they had dinner there once and then he continued his trip to Palenque in Chiapas. he said that that friend decided to visit Palenque as well, since he told her how beautiful it is and convinced her to visit more than just the Peninsula of Yucatan. so, she went to Palenque to join him and stayed at his hostel in the same cabin.

now, i’ve been struggling so much with this. and i’m generally not a jealous type at all, he has many female friends and i have no problem with that. if anything, i really respect them as much as his friendships with guys. and me myself have mostly male friends and he’s fine with it too, so in general we’re very trusting and respecting of each others friendships. i like the idea of letting the other person be as free as possible within the basic boundaries of an exclusive relationship.

however, this specific situation triggered some insecurity in me i haven’t felt ever before. even in my previous relationship i have never felt jealousy, or at least nowhere near this intensity. i don’t know if it’s because we’re rather a new couple and trust takes me a bit longer to have. if it is because i don’t really know him long enough to know how trustworthy he is. with my ex it was all so different, i knew him 4 years before we started to date and we were best friends. i knew my ex inside out like no else before we even started dating, so when we actually started dating that trust was already established 100%. i knew how loyal he was, how honest and respectful because we had lived through so many things together that it gave me a decent idea of the type of person he was and he never made me doubt about it. from the very beginning we established raw honesty, even if what we said or thought could’ve annoyed us or hurt us (without being cruel of course). also, as best friends there’s nothing but pure transparency, there was no reason for him to show a side of him that wasn’t real. so i knew he was authentic. with my current boyfriend, however, we started off from the start in a romantic way, which obviously makes you show a certain side of yourself that might not be your true self since you want to attract the other person. you’re only showing the good sides and not so much the bad sides, the good and the ugly because you don’t want to scare that person away. dating is so much more fragile than friendships in the sense that when you do or say something that might upset the other person, it’s easier to leave as someone that’s dating the person than as a friend. so i think that that’s why i’m so distrustful… i am so sceptical about how authentic he really is, if everything he ever said to me is truly meant and if he truly practices what he preaches. i don’t know why i’m so sceptical. i mean, i know it’s my defense mechanism and that i don’t want to get hurt or be seen as a silly naive girl. but i just don’t know who broke my trust so hard at some point that i don’t trust people easily. it really requires them to basically go through fire for me before i actually believe i can trust them. but i shouldn’t be this demanding. i don’t know if it’s my abandonment wound, that my dad/ex-stepdad broke my trust when i was little by “abandoning” me when i needed them the most. or my mom hurting me from a young age that i couldn’t trust my primary caregiver to feel safe. maybe i learned since i was little that i can’t trust anyone, because everyone important around me somehow ended up disappointing me. i don’t know. maybe i’m just like this and that’s it.

and to be honest, i think that because this is such a specific situation, where i have zero control over, that it makes me very anxious. because when he’s home, with me and his friends, i have no issue. i know them so i know the type of people they are, i know that they know me and i befriended them to a certain level. so it gives me a sense of safety and security that there isn’t nothing to worry about. but in this situation? i have nothing of that. i can only rely on trusting him, and i feel i didn’t reach that point yet where he has proven himself to me enough. also the fact that he’s partly avoidant doesn’t help. he’s very protective about his liberty and autonomy, is sensitive to be controlled and can feel easily attacked which leads to him being defensive. so when i express these insecurities, he can sometimes react very defensive and protective which only triggers me more instead of reassuring me. although i must say that he’s working on it and i’m really grateful about that. i’ve been working so much on myself that i don’t think i could be with someone that isn’t willing to work on themselves too.

but then i think… s o f u c k i n g W H A T?

what if he cheats? i might not find out, but if he does it once he will do it again and i will find out eventually, and when i do, i won’t be the one losing at the end. if anything, i’m winning something back. my liberty. my opportunity to meet someone that’s worth my trust, love, care etc. my time and my energy. yes it will hurt, but i will have the peace to know that at the end, he wasn’t worth it. yes it could give me serious trust issues in my future relationships, but that’s a worry to deal with then and with my future partner. but for now, i stand with the belief that nobody can take away someone that’s meant for me. and if they can, i don’t want him anymore, they can keep him. and changing my anxious perspective of not wanting to lose control to letting control go, truly soothes that anxiety in me. i once wrote a text a few months ago where i said i can’t trust people to not hurt me, but i can trust myself that if they do, i will be fine. relationships have their risks, and trying to control whatever can damage them is a waste of time and energy. people will do whatever they want regardless of how much you try to avoid them doing it. if you want you can control them, stalk them, go full on crazy mode and that still won’t stop them from doing what they want to do. if they want to cheat, they will cheat, no matter what you do. they will find a way around whatever you try to do to prevent it from happening. the right person for me, will treat me with the respect i deserve. all i can do is show up in the best way i can, be the best version of myself and all the rest is out of my control. but at least i can be at peace that i did the best i could. so i can’t hold anything against myself.

i truly care about him and it scares me so much to let go of control, it’s the only thing that helps my anxiety. but i think this is the highest act of love i can do for myself. otherwise i will just end up wasting energy on something that might not even happen. or maybe it will, but either way worrying about it won’t change anything. so i might as well live peacefully and deal with whatever has to happen when the time comes. if he doesn’t turn out to be the person i thought he was, then so be it. he was just someone that came into my life to teach me something that will eventually lead up to bring me where i’m supposed to be or with who i’m supposed to be. my stepmom once told me that life is like a train ride. some people get in at the very beginning and stay till the end, some stay to teach you a lesson and then leave. but i will always go where i’m supposed to be with the people i’m supposed to be, and i just have to trust that and enjoy the ride as much as i can.

so, for my own peace of mind. i am letting go. i am choosing to trust, even if it’s more of a conscious decision than a natural reaction, but i do it for the sake of my own peace and our relationship. maybe this will help me trust him more. maybe me giving trust a chance might reinforce it instead of breaking it down. i hope it does. we did compromise that he will try to do more his own thing the next few days and try to meet other people too, so it’s not like he’s unwilling to find a compromise. but at the end i think i shouldn’t have the need for him to do this. if he wants it for himself, then fine, but i don’t want him to do it for me because that would contradict everything i just wrote down now. he can do whatever he wants (within the acceptable boundaries of course) and i choose to trust him. whatever is meant to be, will be, and i am letting control go.

#mine #might need to come back to this text in the future #because you know… anxiety (:

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you’re allowed to just enjoy things, without being fantastic at them.

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Adult friendships be like “I miss you bro, let's hang out in November"

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by Ricardo Feinstein

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why do the porn bots disappear for a while before coming back in huge waves its like plants vs zombies tumblr style 

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what if we looked up at the stars and held hands on a blanket

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love women btw. absolutely fantastic stuff. keep it up women

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i could be your loser boyfriend. do you ever think about that

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abundance! by annalaura_art

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las calles de Guanajuato 😮‍💨

#mexico #mine

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The smallest amounts of reassurance means so much. random messages like: "I'm not mad at you." "you're not annoying me." "ill text you later." "promise ill be back." & "I'm not going anywhere." is such a relief

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When the world slows.

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can you feel me thinking of you?

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Can we bring back love letters?

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what they dont tell you about growing up as a very lonely little girl is that you grow up and still a part of you remains that very lonely little girl