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Nurturing A Nearly Perfect Marriage

I’ve been married twice. I was hasty, got married young, had two kids and promptly got divorced. 

My second and current marriage is more equal and more stable. It has its challenges, but for the most part, I think we’ve done a decent job of mastering the formula for long-term happiness.

First of all, I’m better. I’m a better woman and a better partner. Part of it is probably due to being a mother; it’s funny how parenthood puts life into a different perspective. But aside from the effects of motherhood, I’m less anxious, more honest, less insecure, and more authentic.

My husband is likely better too. It’s probable that fatherhood has had the same effect on him that motherhood has had on me. Failed marriages and the onward march of life are also an important catalyst for perspective.

I don’t think we have it all figured out. We’re not happy all of the time. Sometimes we’re downright unhappy. We’re both step-parents to one another’s children and that is the biggest source of friction in our relationship. Our biggest, nastiest, loudest fights have been about “the way YOU parent YOUR children.” I think most step-parents would agree with me. But for the most part, we’re good and together, I suspect, for the long haul.

Another wife or another couple would have a different list, but what follows is my take on what makes for a good marriage.

1. My spouse is not my soulmate. There’s no such thing. The chances are good that I could get divorced from my perfect spouse today and find someone else that makes me as, if not more, happy. I believe it, I embrace it. I love my husband more having let go of the fantasy that my marriage could be bulletproof.

2. My marriage isn’t bulletproof. He or I could do something stupid or hurtful either intentionally or unintentionally and the whole thing could fall apart. Knowing this makes me more conscious of not doing something stupid or hurtful.

3. My marriage is a one-way street. That’s not to say we don’t each have our own parts to play, but after 40+ years on this planet I finally understand that I’m 100% responsible for how I behave in my relationship. He doesn’t make me feel anything, do anything or be anything. Everything I feel, everything I do, everything I am, I’m responsible for. I don’t blame him for my feelings, actions or decisions. They’re mine and mine alone. More importantly, I know he would say the same thing about himself.

4. We know what hills not to defend. We choose not to fight over dishes or laundry or where we’re going to go for dinner. When the house is messy, I pick it up because it’s more important to me to have a tidy house than it is to him. When the front door is squeaking, he greases it because it’s more important for him to have a quiet front door than it is to me. I don’t tell him to pick up and he doesn’t tell me to grease the door and we sure as hell don’t fight about it.

5. We keep our big fat mouths shut. Sometimes it’s worth mentioning, but more often it’s not. “It” could be anything, from my kid’s tendency to spill every liquid within her reach to the fact that I can hear him chewing even though his mouth is closed. When we’re annoyed, we keep our big fat mouths shut.

6. We compliment one another every single day. It can be something as small as “you smell good,” or “that shirt makes your eyes pop.” Letting small kindnesses fall by the wayside as a marriage ages is a certain sign of impending misery.

7. I don’t say I’m fine when I’m not. It’s insulting to his intelligence and empathy to assume that he can’t handle hearing about what’s going on with me. If I don’t want to talk about it, I say I’d rather not talk about it. I don’t say I’m fine.

8. We have sex regularly. We have sex even when we don’t feel like it. Anyone who tells you that it’s not important to have sex regularly is in a shitty relationship..

9. I apologize when I hurt him and he apologizes when he hurts me. It’s astounding to me how many people are incapable of saying, “I’m sorry.” A genuine apology is as empowering as it is healing. Try it.

10. We never, ever say anything negative or “constructive” about the other’s weight or appearance. Neither of us is blind to the fact that we could both stand to lose a few pounds, eat more vegetables and exercise more. But believe me, there’s just no happy ending when you start criticizing your spouse’s weight or appearance.

11. We both think the other is beautiful. Physical attraction is important. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I see him walk through the door.

12. We don’t place unfair significance on birthdays, anniversaries, or Valentine’s Day. No one needs that pressure. We try to be kind and generous with one another every day. He brings me flowers on a random Tuesday and I sneak out early on a Saturday morning to run his car through the car-wash. And when my birthday rolls around, he hugs and kisses me and says “Happy Birthday.” Easy.

13. We recognize and embrace the fact that we’re both imperfect flesh-and-blood humans. We both shit, piss, fart, vomit sometimes, have skid-marks on our underwear, grow hair in unattractive places, and have to cope with bodily fluids like period blood, semen, snot and saliva. We don’t pretend we don’t.

14. We don’t go to the bathroom in front of each other. Why do couples do this? Some things should remain sacred. And besides, his bathroom time is sacred to him. He doesn’t need me in there brushing my teeth while he’s drinking his coffee and having his morning constitutional.

15. We don’t shower together. We’re not rich. We have a regular shower in a standard sized bathtub. We’re grown adults. Two grown adults in a regular old shower is not romantic. It’s fucking cold and annoying.

16. We have similar values about money, saving and spending. Other people fight about money. We don’t. Not ever. Not even when we disagree, which we do sometimes. No one, on their deathbed, has ever whispered to their spouse, “I wish we’d spent more time and energy hashing out our financial differences. We really missed out there.”

17. We’re both introverts. I don’t necessarily think that introverts always need to be with other introverts and extroverts always need to be with other extroverts, but my guess is that it saves a lot of heartache and irritation. We can be together all day, not talking, and it’s never awkward. When I say I don’t feel like going out tonight, he says, “OK,” not “damn woman, we never do anything anymore!”

18. I drive my car and he drives his car. Sometimes we take his car and when we do, he drives. Sometimes we take my car and when we do, I drive. It provides for some healthy balance and helps negate annoying gender roles.

19. We both stare at and admire fine-looking people and don’t hide it. There are some truly gorgeous people out there. More gorgeous than my husband or me, and we know it. When he looks, it’s cool and when I look, it’s cool. Sometimes one of us will even point out a sweet ass when we see one. It’s all good and neither of us is threatened.

20. We trust one another. Truly. But more significantly, we never do anything that will risk betraying that trust. We tell the truth even when it sucks. We don’t snoop in one another’s phones, but neither of us has anything in our phones that we wouldn’t share with the other. We don’t monitor one another’s spending, friendships or whereabouts. And we always share our spending, friendships and whereabouts.

And lastly, we really, really like each other. And that’s what makes all the difference.