obasil

[obasil]

He got married a few days ago. It feels kinda weird. I'm happy for him tho. Time really flies so fast.

go back in time

I was listening to this song when I am mindlessly scrolling my instagram. I stumbled upon a post — my first-ever-crush's post. Well, he likes climbing huh, that's what I think when I open his profile. His face is really my type. Uhm, there is his picture basking in the sun. He is smiling in that picture. Beautiful. I actually miss him.

Well, I don't know if I did a wrong thing. I already have a boyfriend, and I believe he also already has a girlfriend.

I remember those time when I was crushing on him, I was an asshole. He had a girlfriend and I didn't care to hide my feeling towards him. I am a big ass bastard who won't give a couple alone. I hate that version of me. Don't worry, I learned my lesson.

I don't think I can get close to him because what I did in the past. But I am glad he looks okay. I am glad I see him smiling.

[obasil]

I fucking hate your ex I wish she dies.

[obasil]

Oba's monologue (cont.-ly edited)

I hate myself because I hurt Sil. I wish I knew better, how my rant turned into arguments and makes him even more tired, dealing with my unnecessary talks.

I did that wrong, what should I do? Suppressing all my feelings? What? I do feel scared. Isn't it valid? But he thinks it doesn't make sense. My fear doesn't make sense.

I am scared. But I want to work for it. I am taking my time.

I am not blaming him because he doesn't say things I wanted to hear. How so? How did I make him feel blamed? Why? — I can't answer it.

It's terrifying, sitting down with my thoughts. I hate myself. People like me, who hurt my loved ones, don't deserve love.

I am at fault. I am deeply ashamed. I hate myself very much.

Will there be sweet talks anymore? Do you still want me? Do you still love me?

Do I feel safe to tell you everything?

I'm still scared of being alone with my thoughts. I want to change. But it's still scary. I hope it's enough. I hope my slow progress is enough. I hope it's okay to take my time. I shouldn't hurt anyone anymore.

[obasil]

Midnight feelings

23:39

Black mini dress hugs your figure. Half lidded eyes tired from squeezing tears hard for — oh god, days or weeks? Night summer breeze seeping through your open wide balcon window to your table in that small living room. Your long fingers tracing the edge of a wine glass, while the other hand nibbling the bottle ready contemplating wether you need more.

Fuck.

23.57

More. You gulped that wine you just poured. Humming to the music you played, low yet soothing. The melody cuddles your ears, filling the empty spots between your crowded clouded mind. Ah maybe, you're drunk. Or not yet.

"I wanna be with you", your whisper to the midnight quietness. You smile, bitter. Is it the wine? Or something you can't understand that has been stabbing your chest?

00.28

The room around you starts spinning. You chuckled. Damn. The music still there and you want to move your body, agreeing on anything driving you right now. Swaying your body left and right. Smirking. All those thoughts. Numb yet still stings, stabbing your chest. Hurt. Tears start running down from your tired eyes.

"Are we.. really? Is this just a dream?" A question you ask that no one will answer.

Beautiful yet painful. Tonight will be a long night.

#shinee #shinee imagines #insomnia #shinee thoughts

[obasil]

Maybe...

I had a fight again with Sil. I really am a nuisance. I don't really know what I did wrong and no one wants to tell me. I really should think about it by myself. It is just me, only me, fighting against me.

I really hate myself for making mistakes. I hate myself when I hurt Sil, it hurts me. I don't know how to interact. How to express. I should just bury it deep inside, that way no one will ever hurt.

I learn this all by myself, without no one to teach. How to ask? I don't know. Maybe I am that dumb who doesn't even know how to ask for assistance. Or maybe I am that dumb who can't be taught.

I love you, please be patient with me. I beg you. I know you still have only a bit of patience left. Please, stay.

[obasil]

Ughhh I just found the best fan fiction of my bias ever. It felt too real and I don't think I can't sleep thinking about it. It is just.. *chef's kiss* perfect.

[obasil]

go back in time

I was listening to this song when I am mindlessly scrolling my instagram. I stumbled upon a post — my first-ever-crush's post. Well, he likes climbing huh, that's what I think when I open his profile. His face is really my type. Uhm, there is his picture basking in the sun. He is smiling in that picture. Beautiful. I actually miss him.

Well, I don't know if I did a wrong thing. I already have a boyfriend, and I believe he also already has a girlfriend.

I remember those time when I was crushing on him, I was an asshole. He had a girlfriend and I didn't care to hide my feeling towards him. I am a big ass bastard who won't give a couple alone. I hate that version of me. Don't worry, I learned my lesson.

I don't think I can get close to him because what I did in the past. But I am glad he looks okay. I am glad I see him smiling.

#Spotify

[obasil]

An art

Deep down I think I am attracted to Bim. He's just.. amazing. He creates art and I love his arts since middle school. Today, I just met him, after a long time. And still, I adore him.

If only... Nevermind, he can't be more than a crush.

[obasil]

When you cry*

You sat on balcony, feeling the night breeze while tears falling from your eyes. You don't bother to erase your tears. You let them falling like a waterfall. "Life is hard", you said quietly without noticing a person who is observing you from inside the room across the balcony. Hae's heart is aching only seeing you cry. " Let me take my time, I want to be alone." you said to him.

Hae gets up and walk to his small room which he uses as studio. He write a song for you, about you crying. He doesn't care if the song will reach million listeners, Hae only needs one listener which is you. He just hate it when you cry. Hae would rather see you cry from happiness.

He finished the song in that night, while you already lay on your sharing bed. You have no idea what he did when you crying in balcony and you don't really want to know. All you think about is how to stop your uneasy feelings.

It's already 3 am in the morning and you just can't sleep. Suddenly you hear Hae's voice, "Hey, are you up? Come here I want to show you something. Please come with me." He brings you to his little studio. He wrote a song and you listen to it.

The song is beautiful and you can't help but crying. Hae hugs you from behind while you both listening to Hae's song. "I hope this is tears of joy."

*fiction

#super junior #donghae #super junior imagine #Spotify #fiction #donghae scenarios #lee donghae

[obasil]

Monday morning

I want Sil to be with me. I want his warmth, crying on his shoulder, comforting me, telling me everything will be okay. I am not on right mind right now. Things are overlapping and past and future bad scenarios keeps haunting me.

I closed my curtain, make my room dark. Under my blanket, I am trying to sleep again even though it's 8 am. I am blasting musics to my ears while I am crying.

I just want to do nothing. I want the day passes as fast as possible. I just.. don't want to care.

#Spotify

[obasil]

Me and Super Junior

I want to write this while I feel this weird feeling of belonging.

I just watched Super Junior's concert and I have a lot of thoughts in my head.

I love them not only because their visuals, but also tons of amazing things they do all these years.

They are hard workers, giving their best for their loved ones, which is ELF in this case. They are professional as an idol, for sure. I want to be just like them, I want their strength and power.

When I'm going through a hardship, they will be there for me, comforting me through their songs. When they have tough times, ELF will always be by their side to cheer them up.

Even though they are fay away from me, I can feel their warmth as if they are hugging me. This is one of my coping mechanisms. Weird? Yes. But if it works, it works. When things are getting hard, I remind myself that I should never give up easily and I still have Super Junior.

Super Junior and ELFs are family. And I want to be a part of this family forever and ever. 💙

#super junior #ELF

[obasil]

A new crush?

I never knew that Sai would be a potential partner. I thought he likes one of his best friends romantically. But now I realized that.. maybe it's unrequited bc of their different beliefs.

He's a green flag for sure. We have the same interest and pursuing the same career as scientist. Wow.. I never thought ever once that I can have a crush on him.

Though, when I look into myself, I also completely different from him. I am a big sinner, that's a red flag of me for him. If he knows that, maybe he will sees me differently and I would never be with him. He might be like.. nah.

[obasil]

A place to go

Hi, It's Oba. It's past midnight and my mind is being mean, thinking about unwanted scenarios of me being unemployed forever. It doesn't make sense I know. But this thought keeps lingering under my brain.

I want to vent to Sil, but I know it's not a good idea. He would give me tons of advices which I already know when what I need the most is to be listened. He does nothing wrong about it but yeah.. that's not what I need at the moment. So I am here, awake, and trying to shut my mind down.

Where do I need to go? What should we do when we're in doubt and full of worries? I hate uncertainties.

[obasil]

My name is oba

I just woke up. It's evening I guess. I can feel the warmth of evening sun passes through my window to my room and then to my skin. I don't really like heat. But this one is bearable. I like moonlight more than sunshine. I like cold rather than warmth.

My name is Oba, 20s. I don't know adulthood would be this hard. I bet nobody knows as well. No one ever warns me either. Welp, here I am struggling through the adulthood. This blog is my story. I write everything I want here. You never met me, and I never met you. You don't know me, and I don't know you.

I like to order chocolate milk in a coffee shop. I love cats. My favourite colour is blue. I am into stars and love to staring at them.

And oh, welcome to the story of my life.