nuitb

[nuitb]

a poem

where?

where?

there

there

you sure?

no

now?

no

okay

now?

yes

no time

okay

hello

hello

good bye

good bye

tear

Nuit B, 1/8 22.07

[nuitb]

wtf

akskajkndlakaka

Nuit B, 8/6-2023 21.42

[nuitb]

late nights alone 2

dricker te

tänker på de fina stunderna.

ironin i att behöva uppskatta det stora mest.

andas in, använd dina sinnen, andas in.

ett lugn sprider sig.

imorgon kanske blir en fin dag.

Nuit B, 13/12-2022 00.05

[nuitb]

here today, gone tomorrow.

can not bring yesterday back

can not accept the fact

how to handle it, what do I do

how to attack the feelings that hide when there is light but always come up at night

the last moments keep replaying in my mind

all the things we did through life

been there since I was a child

how can you just disappear like that

I can not grasp the fact, can not understand, can not make the news land. I know I could use a hand but instead, I keep it to myself, quiet like I buried my head in sand. want to forget what happened, flee from the feeling instead of trying to do the healing.

laughing feels disrespectful, forgetful. but remembering is so incredibly painful. I miss you and your presence. I hope you’re having a good time in heaven. 

how do you continue life when yesterday is gone forever?

Nuit B, 11/12-2022 02.57  

[nuitb]

gone like yesterday

gone. gone like yesterday, just like that.

yesterday is never coming back, how do i accept this fact? wishing it would come back. hold tight, you can survive the night.

Nuit B, 12/12-2022 02.45

[nuitb]

one day you are here, the next you are not

visiting.

watching you disappear right in front of my eyes. there is nothing i can do.

silence. i'm just getting my hand held in silence while it's being stroken with your right thumb.

i wonder if life was good to you, as good as it seemed it had been. if the words i heard the other day were the last ones i would hear.

suddenly i'm crying. first time in front of you since it became embarrassing to cry in front of people.

is this how it ends? shortly, the tears stopped running down my cheeks. it looked peaceful and painless. i wish it is. i hope i will see you again tomorrow, but only if it does not pain you. i’m not sure if my wish will come true though.

even with everything going on, you're looking calm holding your left hand under your chin, as usual. making it look like you are still thinking hard even though you are half-conscious or asleep, near the end.

i don't ever think it hurt so much to let go of someone's hand although you maybe did not even notice it was me who was holding it.

Nuit B, 6/12 21.09

[nuitb]

the law of conservation of matter (dec 6)

what if summers were dark and slow, and the winter’s when everything would grow? what if we were active during the night instead of the day? if the moon supplied us with heat and the sun made it rain. if everything was nothing like today. what would we say? what language would we speak, would arabs not greet with three kisses on the cheeks?

if everything was upside down and gravity did not hold us down. in a parallel universe, somewhere we do not know. where beautiful things would be ugly and ugly things would be beautiful. even if the way we look and live changed completely, perhaps we would still be able to recognize something beautiful easily. even if it would look nothing like the beauty we are used to. even if it was not a human, maybe a tree. it would catch our attention, making us not want to leave. 

maybe it would not even be a tree, maybe it would be a worm, water, or it would look like something from a dream that we have never seen. no matter what, this beautiful thing would leave an impact. 

even if everything changed beautiful things could still remain although they probably would not look the same. maybe they would come in a different shape or form, there is no way to know. but the laws of nature are valid throughout space which means that matter and energy can never be destroyed or created, therefore the beauty of your soul will forever be perpetuated. so even if everything changed i would still be able to recognize the beauty of your soul where ever i would go.

Nuit B, 15/11 01.16

[nuitb]

vad är meningen (dec 6)

var är meningen med meningen

om meningen inte har någon mening

kan det verkligen kallas mening

om varje människa bestämmer en mening

då har meningen ingen mening

samtidigt som den har en massa mening

men vad blir då meningen

om meningen är allting?

Nuit B, 15/11-22 00.57

[nuitb]

insomnia (dec 6)

kan inte andas

skriver en dikt

känns tungt mot bröstet

mitt i natten

jag är ensam

ensam i rummet men inte på jorden

inte i universum.

skrattade nyss åt min dikt

tänk om jag var analfabet

vad hade jag gjort då

hade jag skrivit en dikt i mitt huvud

Nuit B, 15/11-22 01.03

[nuitb]

en vän jag aldrig ville ha (dec 6)

schasar som på en katt,

men den kryper alltid tillbaks.

rymmer bort några dagar men kommer alltid snart.

behöver inte ropa, behöver inte sakna. jag och min vän, alltid vakna. 

lämnar mig aldrig, alltid vid min sida.

egentligen inte vänner, det är så jag känner.

men ibland har du någon du aldrig blir av med fast än du skulle vilja, hur du än gör går det inte att skiljas.

Nuit B, 15/11-22 01.04

[nuitb]

who am i?

the question ‘’who am i?’’ frequently visits my mind. sometimes i lose my sense of self, even if its only for a brief second. frankly, i never think i really knew who i am, or do i just feel lost now? i dont know anything anymore, but the real question is: did i ever?

have i always known or have i just always thought that i know? or did i really know and just became insecure if i really knew? maybe were thaught to think that we know, or do we really know?

how do i know that i know for real, that everything’s not and illusion? will i ever know? i dont know. maybe, maybe not. maybe im just asking myself these questions now because today was a day that the questions popped up in my head, or maybe im just asking myself because i really wonder. because ive really lost my sense of self. but i am actually unsure if i’ll ever know or if ill always be stuck in an illusion. how do i find out? can you ever?

i think, if you just keep reading this over and over again, it will give you a good sense of what its like to be me. maybe that’s an answer to this question?

Nuit B

11/10, 22.39

[nuitb]

confessions

i’m having a hard time to confess to myself.

i tell myself i am okay, but actually. 

actually, i am not. i don’t feel fine at all. i feel drained. no matter how much i sleep, i don’t seem to get enough rest. no matter how much i study, i never feel done. no matter how much spare time i get, it never feels like i get enough. i don’t feel like doing things. nothing feels funny anymore. i’ve never been an overly happy person, but i don’t like to feel apatic. i don’t think it’s a good sign for me to stop caring because i am not a person that doesn’t care about things. i thought this feeling would pass. i thought i wouldn’t go on walks and feel empty. i didn’t think that every day would feel heavy whenever i woke up. it feels like a big sigh to wake up. and whenever i turn to the same albums, i know i’m not okay. 

i’m drained. it feels like im carrying a heavy stone on my back, yet i tell myself that i’m okay. i don’t think i am.

Nuit B

11/10-2022, 22.29

[nuitb]

late at night

late at night

thinking about life

what will it be?

where will i end up?

am i going to feel free?

so many hard things, including trigonometry, archimedes principle and gravitation.

im wondering if ill ever find happiness in this nation, or is it a fixation to get out and about, travel, move to another country? i swear the road of life always feel so bumpy.

will i ever find happiness in this created system or do i need to create my own path?

i guess thoughts are the aftermath of thinking .. maybe i should start drinking.

Nuit B

7/9-22, 00.35

[nuitb]

overwhelmed

what does it mean to be overwhelmed? is there acutally too much things going on, or is it just how you feel? is it your planning that sucks? is it your ability in yourself that you doubt?

i’m not sure. all i know is how it feels to be overwhelmed. my head spinning, can’t stop breaking my nails even though it hurts. it helps the stress. or maybe it makes it worse? trying to take a nap but the stress stops me even though i feel like i could fall asleep right now.

trying to learn, trying to focus, but my brain won’t cooperate. trying to learn but it feels like running under water. is it just too new or will it get better? when? do i quit? do i not quit? how does the feeling ease? how do i help myself?

if others could do it, i can.

it’s too hard, i dont know if i’’ll be able to do it.

if others could do it when they were even younger, i can now.

im not sure how to. can i really?

i can do this. i really can. it’s not gonna be easy, but i can. 

fuck, im not sure. it’s heavy

i can do it. i’ve felt like this before.

Nuit B

8/9-22, 21.14

[nuitb]

challange

im challenging myself.

i felt a little happy just now. happy cause i wrote something im satisfied with. i havent done that in a long time. maybe i am slowly finding myself again, or maybe im not. either way it is what it is and i am me. i dont like sleeping.

Nuit B

6/9-22, 00.42

[nuitb]

undescribable

i’ve been trying to find words for days, but they seem to never come. so maybe it is as simple as that. there are no words. 

my deepest feelings:

uhwkaskdsl

hsKALKajsfd

hakdpqoeådlalalalsidiskoskodkod

xxxxxxhhhhhxxxhhhxxxxii

xyc

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

maybe someone would interpret this as a combination of letters that mean nothing, and maybe they are just that. but to me this means something new, something i’ve never felt before. something so deep that i need a life time to put together words that make sense, words that do my feelings justice. but for now,  this is the only way i am able to describe my love for you. 

forgive me love for not being more romantic, but you’ve made my brain foggy from all the feelings. this is the best i can do for now. i love you, hshschakksidid.

Nuit B

6/9-22, 00.21

[nuitb]

losing myself

lately i’ve been feeling like i’m losing or that i’ve lost a part of myself.

i 

i dont really know.

what have i lost?

i like to read, but i don’t as much. i like to write here, it makes me calm, but i don’t as much. i really really love to play basketball, it makes me happy, but i haven’t played it in a long time. i like to go to the gym, but i haven’t been able to train how i want to.

does this mean i’ve lost myself? or am i renewing myself?

are we always the person we think we are?

i don’t like to go to work. i don’t like to wake up early cause of my alarm. i don’t like to go to work too early. but i don’t like to have too much spare time, cause i usually get bored.

do i lack balance in life? or am i confused? what do i need?

i miss when things worked. when my body worked like it ‘’should’’. but i also don’t miss some of the days back then. i don’t miss constant depression. i don’t miss constant sadness. i don’t miss feeling lonely. i don’t miss winter. i don’t miss suicidal thoughts. i don’t miss carrying my depressed body. it felt very heavy. i felt like an open book. i felt seen but ignored. my sadness was sometimes acting like a light in a room, lighting everything up. But still nobody checked on me, except my mom. the last person i’d tell im suicidal. shout out mom. i just wanted to protect you. you don’t need more weight on your shoulders.

i do miss having friends. i do miss it. a lot.

im not sure where i’m going with this.

maybe i feel lonely. lonely cause it’s night time and i’m sad. lonely because i haven’t had a close friend (except you love, you’re my best friend. shout out) for a very long time. lonely because i’m stuck with my mind for too too long. lonely. i think i feel lonely right now.  maybe cause i actually am lonely. maybe because the night usually makes me sad. maybe i feel lost too. lost cause i’ve lost parts of myself. i don’t know if i lost them permanently or if they’re coming back. i’d like them back. i don’t enjoy my life as much without basketball.

i am sad.

Nuit B

25/8-2022, 02.21