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Merlin died yesterday. I found him curled up in the closet like he was sleeping.

#gonna sleep till the new year

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lol, the last 24 hours have been wild and this is exactly the place I want to document it. Love processing my thoughts and feelings here hahaha

Yesterday I was working and started feeling, off. Nothing major, just didn’t feel good. I was clammy, my heart was racing, my chest and upper back between my shoulder blades felt tight. At times I felt like I needed to gasp or take a big breath in to feel like I was filling my lungs? Does that make sense?! So I took my blood pressure 3 times, both arms. Numbers: 145/99, 145/105, 140/95 with my HR 95-105 each reading.

Naturally, I gaslit myself into thinking I was having an asthma attack. So I called my mom and she was like “lol maybe call the nurse hotline about that” so I did and THEY were like “BITCH GO TO THE HOSPITAL” so I left work and went to the hospital lol. (Important to note here: I have had unexplained high BP since I was a teenager that is managed with meds).

ER saw me basically immediately due to the chest pain but they didn’t have a bed for me so I was just kinda sitting in a chair for a while lol. They did blood work, blood cultures, an X-ray of my chest and an ecg. Basically all of it came back clear. I saw a Student Dr first and she listened to my chest and then left pretty abruptly afterword, both drs came back and listened, NODDED TO EACH OTHER and confirmed “yes what you heard is correct”. Like okay, pls say more immediately, thanks! They ask me if I’ve ever been diagnosed with a heart murmur (no), then tell me they hear a murmur and want an ekg done (booked for Monday). And then they SENT ME HOME lol. Chest pain, elevated BP, etc. still happening. They were very thorough, i just kind of feel like I wasn’t given a real plan for the next couple of days? The symptoms are still there, so like do I go back if they get worse? How much worse does it need to get? This is partially my fault for not pushing harder to get those answers but I don’t think they really had anything at that point, realistically.

So I slept a couple of hours last night and woke up early today feeling the same way. I called my GP’s office and booked an appointment for Monday and let them know what happened yesterday. They said he’ll likely call me this evening bc he’s on call at the hospital. I went and got a couple of groceries, exhaustinggggg. I had to sit on my bottom stair when I got home and catch my breath lol. So things are basically the same as yesterday EXCEPT I can’t help but feel like “I don’t feel good” - like I feel like I have a cold. And then I’m thinking, what if it’s COVID? Im assuming my bloodwork didn’t show any red flags and that’s why they didn’t test. I asked my friend to grab me a couple of rapid tests just for shits though. More info is good at this point.

A lot of thoughts, top of the list is that I don’t think I have asthma and neither does the er doctor. I told him I almost didn’t go to the hospital bc I felt like I was overreacting about an asthma attack - because this is what an asthma attack feels like, right? And the answer is nooo, so have I just had an undiagnosed heart murmur for this long? It feels like that’s impossible hahahaha I have so much shit wrong with me surely someone would have heard it by now.

Anyway, I’m playing the new h*gwarts game on switch and gonna sleep as much as possible today. Eat, then sleep.

#felt so good to get that all out of my head r #good news is that I am doing pretty good on paper otherwise hahaha #turns out losing 70 pounds does that!!!!! #I’m making light of this whole thing bc otherwise I have to be really really scared

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I think I made a mistake at work and I’m on holidays now so I’ve just been kinda :/ about it

There has been an ongoing investigation into a missing woman in the neighbouring town where I’m from. Her remains have been located and the details that have been released make my stomach hurt.

If I get both of these thoughts out of my head I can probably fall asleep lolol

#i don’t know the missing woman but the communities are small enough that I know the people involved #she’s been missing 3 years and the people involved didn’t get any jail time #it’s been on my mind all day :(

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#reblog #the pink one has been my phone background foreverrrrr hahaha

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I’m like a salmon. I’m always goin against the current. I’m tasty. I turn into a fucking freak of nature if I ever get horny. Bears want me.

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I’ve grown passionate about making ice cream sandwiches out of delicious things at home. Most recently: Apple fritters and blueberry waffles as the bun.

#I’m an expert at ice cream sandwiches so let me say there are rules: #1) sandwich glue is nonnegotiable #sandwich glue is something saucy or sticky #my drug of choice is marshmallow fluff lately but there are a lot of options. jam goes pretty fucking hard #2) use a serrated knife to cut the bottom off of a pint of ice cream and you are left with a perfect little disk of ice cream #oh and I use my bong torch to toast the marshmallow fluff #UHHH YEAH dude

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Invested in a milk frother (for my mental health) and this morning I used chocolate milk in my coffee okay?? Yes.

Called in sick to work. Why? Migraine. But also: the dread of being alive is kind of a bummer

Dating is ??? And I am …. But I’m a lot less !!! About it so I’m calling it a win.

Emotionally processing off the internet has been cool but I’m also ready to reenter the internet ya know

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"No one wants to work anymore." Damn right brother. If I could sit in a beautiful field for 40 hours every week of my singular precious life I would

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you guys I gotta talk about some things but it’s not done marinating in my brain yet

#nothing groundbreaking just that I’m actually just doing okay #like things aren’t amazing and I’m doing some arguably dumb shit lol but I’m not mad at myself about it #that’s cool

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À moi. L’histoire d’une de mes folies.

#godddd IS THERE AN AUDIOBOOK #IM GOING YO LOOK NOW

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Buying packs of stickers is so exhilarating. It’s the best $10 I spend hahahaha

#I 👏🏼 LOVE 👏🏼 STICKERS 👏🏼 #and having as many as I want all the time is the best lol

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in a fit of petty rage I downloaded a dating app last night

#and told a person about my rock collection hahahahahah #anyway I’m tired of having feelings for people so I would just like to go on dates and think *that person is nice* at the end and move on lo

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A bit of hot sauce into any cream based soup turns it up to 11.

#why is it SO GOOD #I’m also *kind of* sick??? so the soup is hitting hard #I’m in my comfy pants like today is not bad

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The really good salmon was 50% off!!! It’s a salmon and noodles kinda night baby!!!!

#inflation really got me celebrating FISH #but like… yum I’m so happy