notsureyetis

[notsureyetis]

healing inner child tv shows

lizzie mcguire

kim possible

sabrina the teenage witch

summerland

alias

high school musical

the powerpuff girls

zoey 101

gilmore girls

buffy the vampire slayer

veronica mars

[notsureyetis]

i just started watching everything everywhere all at once. i’m 20 mins in and it’s really challenging. like it’s brought up about 1000 different triggering things related to trauma. it’s very very big brain. it feels so beautiful though even though it’s upsetting and very unsettling. it’s also very joyful in and around the very tricky subject matter. like it feels like an absolute fever trip and i’m not sure my brain is coping with it very well. But at the same time i want to lean into it. My anxiety is way up though. Maybe i’ll take a propranalol and just go leather to weather and dive in.

[notsureyetis]

God damn it I'm getting really fucking sick of men looking at me and staring at me and laughing and chatting to their mates and walking around with either a stupid fucking smile on their face or this look like they're gonna attack me like fuck at this point I think I'll just fucking cover up my legs and my arms and everything just so that men will stopfucking getting off on my appearance without my consent like fuck off fuck off fuck off and this idea that I'm then wearing what I wear for attention they can fuck off I guess it feels like being hyper visible and men thinking that everything a non-man does is for their benefit or like the entire fucking world belongs to them Jesus Christ everything is through the fucking male gaze and I'm fucking sick of it like seriously just stop do you honestly HONESTLY think you have any fucking chance with me like seriously it is infinitely more likely that a lightning bolt strikes down from heaven right into my left eyeball than me ever even considering wanting to fuck you like seriously leave me alone and stop objectifying women you pathetic entitled stupid asshole. God I fucking hate men like FFS grow up. More specifically I hate this. Is it misogyny? Probably yes. Is it sexism? Probably yes. Is it transphobia and enbyphobia. Yes. Ableism. Usually. I'm just fucking pissed off with all of it and not being able to leave the house dressed how I want without it being the business of every fucking human being in this whole fucking planet man. And it's meant to be progressive. Like fuck me. I'm about 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000% done with all of it. I don't like eye contact and I really don't like people non consensually consuming me. I feel like one of those pepsi adverts with some dude fucking having an ice cold refreshing taste but I'm trapped in the bottle and I slide down their engorged gullet and through their body and down into their bladder and a part of me tears off into their bloodstream and the other ends up in their piss and down the fucking drain into the fucking sewer systemI don't like eye contact and I really don't like people non consensually consuming me. I feel like one of those pepsi adverts with some dude fucking having an ice cold refreshing taste but I'm trapped in the bottle and I slide down their engorged gullet and through their body and down into their bladder and a part of me tears off into their bloodstream and the other ends up in their piss and down the fucking drain into the fucking sewer system Perhaps it's the patriarchy? It's okay to be angry and upset and frustrated. And then it's this bs binary fucking system that I exist within. And like theres this machine right kinda like a guillotine and if you're a man or woman you kinda slide down either side and if you're non binary you go right down the middle and continually get slammed with the blade gradually chipping you away into stereotypically masculine or feminine traits and you are just barely hanging on to the middle and now bitches are reaching up and trying to drag you down to one side or another and either you perpetually struggle to remain in neither group or you choose a side or you literally get torn in half and half of your corpse goes one way and the other goes the other way. Tbh I'm fucking not happy and I'm exhausted because even when I'm in a "progressive" area I'm still having to fight constantly in order to just be recognised as me. Every fucking bitch wants a piece of me to make themselves feel more comfortable in the fucking gender prisonthey are trapped in.

[notsureyetis]

[notsureyetis]

racism

i don’t know where to start

i don’t know where to begin

i don’t know how to challenge my

racism

yo that sounded like a stupid fucking poem

i think i feel nervous because i’m viewing racism through the lens of someone who is white, young, able-bodied, raised in a middle-class family in the UK

and the things which resonate with me feel appropriative or exploitative

like it’s also a vulnerable scary process because it means confronting the ways i’m complicit in it

i find it interesting that my motivations seem to all be personal

like i’ve started writing about racial oppression and i immediately talk about myself

there have been times growing up where i was overtly racist

and then there is the permanent, constant ways i’ve been racist by contributing and not challenging systemic issues

again i’m nervous my motivation is to release my own shame, guilt and bs rather than actually supporting _______

i don’t have the language

i think that’s probably a good place to start

we can’t begin to dismantle these things without language

again i resent myself for making this about me

like wtf

i guess starting with problematic motivations is better than not starting

?

?

i’m not sure

it’s like i have to be open to the idea of making mistakes here (while not making it the responsibility of _______ to educate me or put in the emotional labour)

even while navigating these basic fundamental things i just notice how much i’m projecting my own experiences with prejudice on to this

how do i look at race without it also bringing all the ways i’ve been impacted by intersectional axes of oppression

like it feels ______ to view racism in isolation

but there is also work to be done fundamentally because it is a topic that has been neglected in my life

damn i hate myself for the way i’m talking here

i feel embarrassed for being white and for the privilege i have and have hugely, massively (these words aren’t working to describe this here - it refers less to the magnitude and more to a fundamental, core ______)

god damn i hate myself lol

it feels like when a straight person writes about queer people and how objectifying and awkward and absurd that feels

like you can just clock it from the moment you read it that this is just not their life experience

i suppose language again would be a good place to start

(although the language if taken from the wrong source would be deeply entrenched in racism)

gosh

as i write i’m kinda getting a bit clearer here

i cringe

at myself

i recoil

at my words

but i’m glad i am taking this step at least to articulate it

like there is almost so much here that to even begin to acknowledge the fact that i am racist in the views i hold internally and in the ways i

what i am nervous of is racism as a white hobby being extremely problematic

like throughout all of this what are my motivations

[notsureyetis]

[notsureyetis]

period

day 2

no discharge

cos no uterus

sad feels

pain and cramps last night

affirming

tired

sad about life

frustrated about world

clock ticking

tick

to

tock

block

minecraft

fuck

laptop overheating

hd driver

fuck

i don’t like going outside

i feel watched

i feel observed

when i am among friends

it is okay

much better

still watched

but less care

less fear

pray for change

tired of being hot topic

fatigue

fatigue

stress

difficult to see if anything will improve

it’s always a scary time to be trans

but now

scary

scary

scary

everyone is talking about us

turbulent

but not necessarily good

i can’t go where i want to go

but maybe that is life

maybe that is how women feel all the time

only they have become resilient to it

or dissociate from it

detach from the pain

it is exhausting being a non-binary woman in a world that appears to hate me

that fears me

that talks and whispers about me behind my back

it is exhausting being autistic in a world designed for neurotypicals

but i ask is this even the case?

it feels like a world that is designed to benefit nobody

except greedy, rich, soulless bastard billionaires millionaires trillionaires

everybody pays but nobody gets paid

except 1%

why do we choose to continue in this prison of capitalism that we know hurts the vast majority of us

or is that true?

maybe not

lots of people seem to love their job?

i’m not sure why though

today i am sad

today i feel fatigued

like having run a marathon and someone’s told me my car’s got towed and i have to walk 2 miles home

i ask these questions and i immediately cringe

i think god damn it i sound like every fucking folk singer from the 70s

no new thoughts

only new situations

but are they new?

i listened to jimmy buffett earlier

fruit

cakes

and it slaps

still

we tell ourselves we have progressed somehow?

like our narrative is the only one and we are living in a time where we’re more enlightened than ever before

but that’s almost certainly bullshit

the only thing i know for sure is that i don’t know shit about shit

my brain tells me things

but i dissociate so much i don’t really believe in the reality or solidity of anything anymore

i can’t see the forest

i can’t see the sea

but i can see rust

people

awkwardly rubbing against their ill fitting clothes

telling stories as if they’re interesting

i don’t really know what leads me here today

why

why am i writing for an audience that does not exist

am i writing for myself?

or as a desperate attempt to quiet the rowdy, out of control party raging in my head 24/7

i think someone’s gonna call the police soon

too loud

2 police officers show up

they rap on the ancient, dry, dusty entrance to my brain

a long forgotten pathway

only taken by a select few in recent decades

thoughts live trapped as prisoners in the soft folds of my brain

memories grasp at the windowframes

they claw at the windows sometimes

but mostly sit

listless

staring out into a quiet street

that no one will walk

i take little time to compose my words as i am writing

to pause gives my self critical brain an opportunity to attack

instead i pour

i pour

i pour

i pour

i pour

i pour

iPour

bidet biden

thanks joe you solved transphobia

cheers mate

fucks sake

fuck sake

[what did sake ever do to you!]

a delectible menu of words to choose from

i choose poo

poop

boop

betty boop

fuck that reminds me of my mom

bleurgh vomit

kermit the frog

pog

wog

dog

thank you for coming to my lead socks

[notsureyetis]

[notsureyetis]

why must i hate

that which i

create

like i have made something pretty extraordinary

and yet i hate it

i love it

but then i hate it

my brain is very very very mean to me and oh so unfair

like regardless of whether it is good or not

i tried really hard

and put a lot of time and effort into it

so why do i hate it?

what a terrible feeling

maybe because of PMS

that makes me hate everything

like everything

although now after expressing that i look again

and kinda like it

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

brain food

5

4

3

2

1

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

okay so i kinda also think it’s cool that i did it even though i knew my brain would hate it

like i created something i was not fully happy with or ready for

and i did it anyway

i think the next time i will get better

and maybe have more fun

although this was super fun while i was doing it

i had music on

i liked the texture of the mush i made

(and actually quite remarkably made precisely the right amount of mush)

i carved out a sea monsters face out of liquid latex and rice flour

that’s hecking cool

i built gills and hand painted them

i carved a nose of mush

actually as i look at it now i see a character

i have made a character out of mush

i really like the fake blood on the gills

i like the idea of the beautiful gills being torn in half brutally

and the chin and face being covered in a bit of blood

it feels like it captures me

once a beautiful sea creature 

torn apart

blood stained

but strong

hurt deeply

stem cells

stem cells

stem cells

sex sells

platonic love affairs

clamp nips

thank you for coming to my wed jocks

[notsureyetis]

[notsureyetis]

[notsureyetis]

time flies

its engines explode

it crashes into a mountain

there is one survivor

it is william shatner

pill yam cat nerf

fill your pockets wiw diamonds

diyamon

pokemon

digimon

fidget man

aaaaaaaaaaa

waaaaaaaa

waluigi

cat waaaaaaa

why do we write if not to pass information

what information do i share

in formation

beyonce

be yon say

faaaaaaaaaaaaaawaaaaa

taking liberties

here

beer

near

clear

it’s clear that i do not know [most] of what i discuss

and yet  i discuss

pretty sus

sussy baka

sussy baguette

vented

cemented

when did

i can see the trees in the forest

dumb neurotypicals are in forest but they can’t even see the trees

dumb dums

#rekt

torrentila rain

tortilla brain

marbella frame

jason sta

tham

they tham

tham

yams

wham

wham’s 1994 single

wouldn’t want to be with you

busted 2004 single

it sucks to be near you

oasis 1988

why fly if you are william

shatner

cat purr

i take expensive baths in expensive jellies

i have an expensive rash from expensive jellies

my mother is in my womb

in 6 months i will birth tham

in 10 years we will be able to communicate

but by then tham may be dead

lead

ned

flanders

pandas

p[anda

panda]

wakanda

never saw that movie

black panther

panda

manda

lorian

chlorine

in my eyeballs

why roll

why do my eyes roll

when i pull them out and put them on a marble run

fleshy gritty black rotten sediment

leaves oily marks along the tubes

i cannot see

o r c a n i n o t b e

free

she

urgh

he

bleh

me

.............

we

?

fleas infest

dogs incest

i am berest

bereft?

weft

jesus wept

jesus wept when he saw me

he

?

they?

she

?

not we

i wept when i saw me

free

free

free

how expensive is my freedom?

we take

we break

we flake

on our plans

thought disposition

my imposition

disgusting thoughts

oh the imposition

jesus moses frozes

frozen toes

arctic explorers have frozen toeses

hairy feet

bear skin

keeps them warm

life at what cost ?

who pays the price for my life

not me that’s for sure

who pays

what pays

at what cost

is my existence

existential

mexistential

texmexistential

i get tex mex istential every time i go to taco bell

£7 quesadilla box

i should only spend £4

but churros

dulce de lece

fuck

i buy quesadillas but who pays for them

and who pays for me?

and who pays steve?

steve connors

steve rojers?

rogers?

doc martins gay

but are they?

they £120 per pair

it alienates

the queers

fuck

it’s all pretty fucked

rub a duck

rub a dick

tug a dick

off

take my dick off

ples

lol

no seriously ples

lol

no

but seriously *ples*

it takes 6 hours to turn a d into a p but who does it

and who pays?

the nhs

but who pays

ironic isn’t it that all these transphobic bitches are the ones paying the taxes that pay for my pussy

jk rowling paid for my pussy

thankks

fuck

torrential brain

torrential pain

bipolar

2 polar bears

bi 2 po be a bear share

care bears

mares

mares?

wears?

but who pays?

not me that’s for fuckking sure

i don’t pay for shit

except for my pringles

and choco milk

and blueberries

and apartment

and BLT

and phone

and the hotel i’m in

cost of admission to planet earth

is a life of servitude

that’s from a song

kind of

in my brain

a brain song

a brainy shlong

dicks

brain dick

brain balls

lols

dysphoria takes its tolllls

on my boules

capybara

capybara

jimmyhere

it’s’ thursday my dudes

apprentice final

but when will it end?

10pm gmt

but when will it end?

when lord sugar dies

god that names so fucking stupid it makes me cringe every time i hear it

i probs shouldn’t say that unless tumblr is monitored by him

thank you for coming to my throbbing red cock

[notsureyetis]

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[notsureyetis]

shit

ground control to major

major

major

league

of legends

taken in the night

i don’t know where to

but i know when i wake up

reaching

for something

contracted

contractual thoughts

police

woop woo[p]

it’s the sounds of my fleece

protracted prolapse

protracted

subtracted

my words now if i just leave them

i guess i can just document my thoughts

weird

weird

thoughts

massage the keys they know what i’m thinking this is weird

flow

flow

yo

bro

bro

bro

where is my bro

no

hurt

it hurts

it flirts

i flirt

or i try

i don’t even know my dating life is such a mess

i don’t even know where i would start

i don’t even know who i am

i don’t even know what i want or who i want or if i want or why i want

would i hurt them

thank you for coming to my bedrock

[notsureyetis]

[notsureyetis]

pms

yes

i have pms

yes

no

bad

snow

don’t eat the pms snow

yo

fro

yo

no

this bitch really be out hear saying pms is a myth

fuck off

fuck off

no

oof

i am in pain

emotional

physical

psychological

everything is uncomfortable today

it’s like someone’s put me in a vacuum and sucked out all the comfort

oof

bruh

bruh

bruh

stop

my belly hurts

my neck hurts

everything feels stretchy

like the opposite of loose

tight i guess

night

right

last night

nightmares

family invasion

of my head

when my guard was down

fuck

tried watching the notebook

it was cute

but no

it romanticises predatory behaviour and abuse in relationships

most romantic movies do tbh

i wish i could go back to before

before i saw

everything

before i saw

the world

too much pain now

too much pain now

how

i stand at the helm of a pirate ship drifting through space

floating among stars

sailing away from the moon

i am gassy

huel

fuck

i’ve been gassy for days

not having a kitchen

fucks with your diet

chronic stress

anxiety

depression

autism

OCD

gender dysphoria

makes me gassy

lol

fuck

anal fissures

ass like tissue papers

erasure

a temporary flow

discharge of thoughts from some neglected region of my brain

surrounded in a fog of shame

blame

maimed

framed

fuck

i guess i ran out of luck last year

fuck

drifting

waiting

[hoping]

god damn everyone is fucking wired

like they fucking wired

you talk about mental health and

basically anything can come back

fuck

thank you for coming to my ed walk

[notsureyetis]