notsodee

[notsodee]

Is my mind only playing games at me? Am I just a desperate idiot came running back to the past trying to reach out to a person that is not really interested to talk from the place? Is it just me playing around? Fvck! That dream was so real.

[notsodee]

We talked about plenty of events. We talked about life after we broke up. We talked about life. But it's time for her to go.

We parted ways, but I still talk to her on the phone. I know something is off. I am talking to my self on the phone.

[notsodee]

I keep on saying sorry. And she keeps on rubbing my back. The feeling that I missed for so long. The feeling that I desperately wanted to have for a long time. I latched my body to hers as if we just missed each other.

And so we walked.

[notsodee]

Her mouth morphed in an upside down cresent moon. She smiled back at me. And like a pandemic I was infected. My wide smile responded. We laughed. We giggled. And she asked me to hug her. So tight that I can feel the warmth again. Her loving embrace. The heat that only she can give. She asked me to hug her tighter, so I did.

[notsodee]

We stopped. Time was fleeting. We stare. Her bright, beautiful face provided sufficient energy for us to continue and return in reality. So she did. So did I.

[notsodee]

Until I cornered her. Talked to her like crazy. Asking her the same questions for us to talk about what happened and how can we resolve it for the sake of peace of mind. Then the magic happened.

[notsodee]

On a regular basis, If you dream and woke up, you'll never going back to that dream again. My case is different. It actually continued.

I'm about to hop into the car but I forgot something. My groceries. But surprises really loves me. I saw her once more, exiting the place. But that moment that she saw me approaching, she took the other route. I followed her like a night stalker. I followed her until there were no more alternative route.

[notsodee]

I woke up. The alarm was destructively loud. I shut it off, went downstairs and check Callie and her babies and they look beautiful.

Went sleeping again. And believe me or not, there's been a second part of the dream.

[notsodee]

Suddenly, I accepted the fact that she will never talk to me again. That on her mind, I still haunt her. That moment was so surreal. That even in a dream, I can physically feel her soft little hands. I can feel that she's not gonna talk to me. Like ever.

I walked away. I never looked back.

[notsodee]

Then she asked my to go, but I insisted. For that long, I begged for her to talk to me. Even just this moment. But I was always declined. "Umalis ka na." Finally, I heard her voice once more. The voice that utterly begged me to go away. I know, I can still feel that she wanted to talk. Talk about the past. Talk about forgiveness and all. She's just confused. She's aggrevated.

[notsodee]

"Please, kausapin mo ko. Nakikiusap na ko sayo. Hindi ko sinasadya yung nangyare noon. Naunahan lang ako ng takot. Hindi ko dapat yun ginawa sayo. Hindi dapat kita iniwan magisa. Hindi dapat kita pinabayaan." Up until this very moment, I can still feel the guilt. But all she did was to respond with a sad and angry face.

[notsodee]

I kneeled in front of her. Held her hands and say "Please, kausapin mo ko. Gusto ko lang magpaliwanag. Gusto ko lang makawala sa pagkakasala ko sayo. Gusto ko lang magkaroon tayo ng kapayapaan."

I know, and I can clearly see that she wanted to talk, but she's just responding with a sad, semi-angry face and she just want me banished from that place.

[notsodee]

It was her. Her bright beautiful face still seeks answers. Asking me, "why did you do this to me?". When in fact, she is completely staring at me. Like she really wanted to tell me something. Something unsettling. Something that would ruin me.

[notsodee]

While slowly walking, hoping to finally find out what I'm looking for even if I don't really know what it is, I've gone ahead and walked. No dine-in orders in the place. The center of the fastfood chain was nothing but upside down chairs. And these guys-the customers are falling in line and sits and undisturbed. While I am there, slowly walking. Walking like a bride on the isle while I am approacing the counter. Still confused, I saw a very familiar face.

[notsodee]

She told me the directions. As I walk, there was really nothing in my mind but to go and take a pee. When I'm slowly approaching the place, I suddenly came accross with a familiar fast food chain. Yes, Mang Inasal. Not sure why my neurons suddenly tingled and told me to go inside and find something - "Sige na, pumasok ka diyan. May kailangan kang gawin diyan."

[notsodee]

Dusk unveils its glory. I need to go to the grocery. I need supplies that last until I get bored. All of a sudden I found my self asking the owner "ma, where's the bathroom?". Jeez I'm getting a lot of confusion as to why my mom is the owner of the grocery store and why is she Jacklyn Jose? Why? This corrupted mind got me going crazy.

[notsodee]

It's still so fresh in my memories. I dreamt about you again. This time, it connects to the present time. All of my hopes were carefully crafted on that dream. That fantasy that I am creating. I am so desperate. Desperate to take the chance and do something.