nithyatries

[nithyatries]

aug 1 2019

woke up v v early and went to little india for bfast -- ate far too much and felt like crap (2 idlis, dosa, pongal, filter coffee). went to sentosa with the girls. unbearably hot, nothing has changed, same bland uninspiring tourist shit. n.b is SO grown-up now though and it is incredibly strange + requires far more behavior modulation (e.g. she asked me if i had “sleepovers” with pc and i had to lie gracefully which i cannot do and she knows i cannot do). ab was weird about money and i am coming to accept that i cant play the game they play where you fight over who pays the bill for a billion hours.  dinner - mango kadhi, aloo dum, cauliflower curry, brown rice. watched tv. last night of all four of us sleeping in the same room. 

[nithyatries]

jul 28 2019

landed in sg around noon, feeling combination relief/alienation (no bed, no privacy for near future.) finished sally rooney’s “normal people” which made me sad -- thinking about lack of profound intimacy since circa dan, the weakness of feeling lost & indecisive, that inevitable space between ppl open for misinterpretation.  everyone is here. i feel dismissive, impatient and contrarian for the sake of being so. pc is permanently circulating around the periphery of my thoughts but i am unable to place how or why. i have never really felt this total lack of clarity.  appetite is minimal, sleep is erratic, exercise is non-existent. 

[nithyatries]

[nithyatries]

mar 1 2019

[nithyatries]

feb 8, 2019

woke up, went to gym, went to mowo, spent the day cooking and then fed DCT, NG, MC, IC. hosting is fun, cooking is calming. dealt with the annual unexpected confrontation from BF.

[nithyatries]

the baroque mind is not unlike the postcolonial one

[nithyatries]

feb 3, 2019

i have been fairly productive this weekend, largely due to the fact that i have been getting back into the groove of writing, which is an anchoring activity. Part of why law school has felt so disorienting has been the lack of active writing, and the continuous passive receiving of knowledge. Anyway: - woke up feeling terrible after last night’s excesses (wine, two js)  - went to the gym with IC (cardio, squats, lunges, romanian deadlifts, leg press, hip adductor, hip thrusts)  - went to grocery store to buy super bowl snacks - showered, ate leftover rajma w/ an egg on top + some leftover bhindi and rice, have been working/cleaning all afternoon  - IC, NS coming over in a bit to watch the super bowl - dealt w amma who was drunk and hanging out for an inappropriate length of time with a bartender 

[nithyatries]

feb 1, 2019

woke up, gym w IC (cardio, pullups, barbell rows, dips, abs, still sore from tuesday but a little lighter), showered, went to lunch w HM and CB (awkward??? sort of???), went to sephora, came home and took a nap, now going to watch ek ladki ko... w/ AN and MAYBE hit karaoke w/ CB and co. gotta do more work tomorrow.

[nithyatries]

jan 29, 2019

what a mess of a few days.  tried to wake up, failed. finally got out of bed at 9am, grabbed cold brew w/ oat milk from LC, went to gym with IC. 10 mins cardio, incline bench press, flat bench press, military press, side lat raises, hip thrusts, abs.  came home, showered, ate lunch (roasted cauliflower, broccoli, okra, kale, green beans w a veggie patty) and did some reading for class. went to class, and got some groceries.  SD texted asking what was wrong, AK came over, i sent SD a clarifying text. ate dinner (dal + wine) and now working on a response paper before bed. इत्तेफ़ाक़ = coincidence/unity

[nithyatries]

Jan 25

slept TERRIBLY, unclear why. SD left at some ungodly hour (7??) and i showered/went to meeting on campus. finished the stuff i had to do, came home, hung out with IC and talked to DG about PC and assorted other things. then walked to the cinema to watch the favourite with SD, which was absurdly good, i thought. i love seeing incompetent men and violent women on screen. we got sushi after, he came over and we made out a little, things are strictly confined to this territory atm. i threw him out because PC was coming over, but had to hang out with AdB and his friend first which was, as usual, painful. had very good sex which made up for a day and a half of sexual frustration. fell asleep for SO long after.

[nithyatries]

Jan 24

had a lazy/calming morning -- lit an agarbatti, did some reading, listened to mehdi hasan. felt good. went to class, and then hung out w CB and HM who seem to have had a minor falling out; i cannot wait until they are restored to a pre-summer state of normalcy so i do not have to mediate between them. i felt like a loser for taking my thursday seminar, but honestly nothing has felt closer to swat/my wheelhouse. we discussed trauma in the context of athenian democracy, i spoke for maybe the first time in a law school class. HM came over and i cooked us dinner (aloo gobi/roti) and debated inviting SD over. everyone at the pregame (four people at the time) suggested inviting him, which i did, and then of course i panicked once the pregame exploded to an unprecedented >20 people. he did very well though, seemed to fit right in, although everyone was at their accommodating best (save RS and RB who were definitely interrogating him a fair amount.) the last people left at like 3am, SD and i were making inane small talk and he called an uber home. put his coat on, we wound up making out, cancelled his uber, slept over. it was nice, nothing more happened. glad/happy to get my mind off PC who is still ignoring me.

[nithyatries]

Jan 21

woke up, feeling better once again, went to main lib which was CLOSED and painfully made my way to school. got a decent chunk of reading done with NS, came home and had a nice talk with her, watched the bachelor after IC joined, now reading for M&A and feeling optimistic about SD since we texted all day

[nithyatries]

Jan 19

feeling a lot better today. woke up w/ NS, cooked a meal (finally! black bean pasta and veggies) and went to the rubin w IC and KH -- himalayan art exhibit which was v calming. came home, waiting for AK to come over so we can watch the bachelor. reading in the meantime. optimistic about tomorrow’s date

[nithyatries]

Jan 16

the despot’s accomplice / brian klaas

woke up at 5:30am, cleaned a little, showered, ate some oatmeal, went to class, returned property book, had brunch (eggs) with ns, came home and moped for a few hours, finished editor application, dragged myself to the gym where i bumped into rb and was reminded that pc is not everything, ran a lot, showered, can’t muster up appetite for dinner and am contemplating just going to bed early again

[nithyatries]

jan 15

“I had no big plan to become a curator, no great scheme to work my way up a ladder. I was just trying to pass the time. I thought if I did normal things - held down a job, for example - I could starve off the part of me that hated everything.”

what have i accomplished so far, this year? pissed off my sister, pissed off my mother, bitched about my supposed best friend, pissed off the guy i was supposed to be seeing, pissed off a guy who i’d probably been leading on because i’m a whore for attention, slept far too much, watched far too much television, read far too little -- in short, destroyed a large percentage of my interpersonal relationships while becoming a worse person, all at the same time. starting to think i need medication, or at least, therapy. 

life goes on, i keep telling myself. people can be replaced. db left, abruptly, and i am here. pc has left, and my existence will continue. 

18 hr plane ride: watched the wife, juliet, naked (both were just alright), finished my year of rest and relaxation, slept a lot. still sick, classes start tmrw

the book of disquiet / fernando pessoa

Anxiety from being dumped + onset of jetlag = all food turning ashy in my mouth. Walked w IC to the grocery store, and tried to pick up the components of recipes I’m familiar with, the ones I was able to cook even in the small kitchen of my Edinburgh flat. So far though, I have only managed a black coffee and a bottle of green juice. Uncharacteristic. Smoked a little, which was enough considering the three-week long abstention. Pleaded with PC a little, now wondering if debasing myself is worth it for a man who does not think I am worth v much communication at all. Mostly spent the day lying around, thinking about my many fuckups and deficiencies. I am turning into a cliche I need to do more tomorrow. Post my book, go to class, take some fucking medicine, pick up other things from CVS, NOT cancel dinner. 

[nithyatries]

jan 14

Dazed, aching. Lay in bed for most of the morning, thought the fatigue was because I hadn’t eaten in a while. Ate lunch, still felt like doing nothing but sleeping. Tried to run -- it was brief and painful and I got dizzy halfway through. Took a shower, Amma decided to take me to Kino to shake me out of whatever this is. Slept on the ride there. Bought three books. Slept on the ride back. Caffeine has no effect on me right now.  I am too tired to have thoughts, fell asleep ten pages into Franzen.  The depression may be because I stopped taking birth control. But it could also be a stubborn flu. Alternatively, it may just be depression.  Got asked out by a guy I finally got around to replying to on Tinder, and I’m hopeful about it. He seems funny & also went to school in PA, and that is about all I know about him. Also chatting with a med school student who texted me after seeing my profile up on SCD -- he seems bland but acceptable. Then again, my mind keeps returning to PC, and I do not know how to restrain myself. I desp want it to work, but I know it will not and I will wind up unhappy. He seems tired of my constant flip-flopping too (who wouldn’t be?) so perhaps I am doing us both a favor.

[nithyatries]

jan 13