nicolewithanne

[nicolewithanne]

the girl with tattoos.

The worst thing for a person like me is when I become obsessed with someone. It takes years before I get over them. One mistake, I will miss the entire three quarters of the game. I know because I have made one now and I feel absolutely defeated. Why does the world let us fall in love with the wrong person? It hurt so much. I hurt myself so much.

Their entire being consumed my thoughts. I have lived an entire life with them. They have been the pinnacle of my dreams and the subject of my thoughts. But then I realized that I was a fool and I was alone. My loneliness and yearning created a version that was not them. Their reality wasn’t the same with my limerence. I ended up loving someone that did not exist. The life I’ve lived with them can never be a life I will actually live. It was all in my mind.

It is hard when the pain was caused by our minds. Goes to show why mental illness are the toughest to deal with. It sticks and has permanent damage. Irreversible unfortunately; all you can do is try to live with it.

When I realized that I must stop with letting this person stay in my mind rent free, it was too late. Along with the baggage they left with, comes my naivety and innocence. They left me empty and full of scratches. What a disrespect, right? Yet it was my fault in the first place. I created this mess and of course I should fix it.

But I can never fix it because it all happened in my mind.

It was never tangible.

Far from reality.

All I can do is figure out how to live with it.

But I know I’ll be okay.

The scratches had patterns which I can turn to art.

Like scars and tattoos.

[nicolewithanne]

the last days of being a child.

I lie down here and think, “When did everything go wrong?”. I ask myself questions and answer them with all that I can, yet I still arrive in the same state. I am pretty much confused and bewildered. When does this stop?

I ask myself, “When did I start closing the gap of my door?” I remembered being so scared of being alone but now I purposely isolate myself from the world. In solitude I reside, in aloneness do I thrive. However, I know that I’m missing something important. I just know that this is not supposed to be where I am at. What went wrong? How did everything go wrong? Even in love, I fail. Oh, what went wrong?

When did I start growing up?

[nicolewithanne]

to the (un)loved.

How does it feel to fall in love? Is it truly that magical? Finding the missing piece? The answer to all that longing? Does it feel like peace? Because for me, falling in love is scary. No matter what you do, once you fall in love, it’s the end for you. But it must be nice, right? Having someone beside you, remembering you. How does it feel like to be embraced? To be caressed or to be cared about?

Would I ever experience that?

All I really have is questions.

I want to feel it all. I want to love but I don’t know if I’m ready.

How can I not think about love? How can I stop becoming hopeless about it?

I only have questions today.

Humans are weird.

[nicolewithanne]

An anti-climactic January

I thought that when the clock struck 12:00 on New Year’s eve, that feeling of changes and growth would seep in. I had my expectations very high. Before venturing out to a new year, I even made a list of what I wanted to do when 2022 starts. I wanted to change my lifestyle, start exercising, wake up early, and have a skin care routine to stick to. 

I was determined. But now that I’m here writing this on 2-2-22, I feel so indifferent with that goals. I wasn’t able to accomplish any of it at all. But instead of feeling bad, I just feel--nothing. Maybe it’s because this happens to me all the time? Hence, that’s why I’ll call my January experience anti-climactic. 

It was the same old thing; I wish I never expected something.

I was hoping for a plot twist that never came. I hope February would be better.

[nicolewithanne]

Just trying

hello.

It’s me.

welcome to a bunch of nonsense