nicolespeaks

[nicolespeaks]

that james baldwin quote where he says, “it took many years of vomiting up all the filth i’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before i was able to walk on the earth as though i had a right to be here.”

[nicolespeaks]

Anaïs Nin, from The Diary of Anaïs Nin, vol. IV: 1944-1947

[nicolespeaks]

[nicolespeaks]

I thought I was just being girl, but in fact, I was being bitch

[nicolespeaks]

We all wanna be better than everyone else

[nicolespeaks]

I had to learn to stop using people to my advantage, like they had done to me. I was played, betrayed, fooled, mistreated, made a joke by many, and the pain, the resentment, made me act out of spite. I looked for advantages to people's disadvantages, their pain, their flaws, to get revenge, to give them a taste of their own medicine. What had been done to me, I could do back. But it only kept me stuck. It didn't make me better than them like I tried to believe. If I didn't want to be treated like this, to continue the destructive cycle, I had to stop indulging in the catalyst. I had to accept what was all down with me. That it was unfair. And that's all I can do, if I want peace, if I want to love, if I want to be happy. My knowing is what keeps me out, not my broken heart.

It doesn't go away, I don't get justice. I learn my strength by choosing to be better. Strength doesn't come from a hardened soul, fueled by vengeance. That's the humbling act of awareness

[nicolespeaks]

Please love me. Please get her out of my life. Please understand when I say how much grief this has caused me. Please, choose me. Even though it's difficult, choose me so I know this wasn't all for not. Please don't let me live this life, don't let me be second, don't let me feel this way. Please understand my heart when I beg this. Please don't treat me like how your dad treated you, and. Please believe me when I promise you I'll love you like how I wasn't loved. Please, tell me I'm wrong. Please, tell me that I'm right.

#im begging

[nicolespeaks]

He lied cause he was scared of getting in trouble. Just like he did when he was a kid

[nicolespeaks]

Las chicas están bien (Itsaso Arana, 2023)

[nicolespeaks]

It's not that I hate him or anything, I'm doing so much for myself now and I feel like if I do anything for him I'm giving away my energy, and I don't want that. I don't think he deserves that from me.

[nicolespeaks]

[nicolespeaks]

I NEED TO READ I NEED TO WRITE I NEED TO CREATE I NEED TO DRAW I NEED TO CLEAN I NEED TO WORK OUT I NEED TO LEARN *watches YouTube for 6 hours*

[nicolespeaks]

[nicolespeaks]

Blythe Baird // Dave Eggers

[nicolespeaks]

Finding someone who resonates with me, it's glorious. I feel like it's okay to be myself,but then, why am I not that then? So then, how do I find myself in all the things I resonate with?

I want to make revenge art. I want to be spiteful. I want to hold onto my grudges and carefully weave them together. I want my proof to be shown, I guess, to be believed. I should've brought my notebook

[nicolespeaks]

Being a girl is being yourself. J like all these different things. They make me me. It's all complied into me. I don't have to be a certain kind of way or aesthetic. I don't have to strive to be an ideal version of me. I am me, and that is what being a girl is.

I want my journal to be a notebook of my interests. I'd like to learn how to make one about my life too

[nicolespeaks]

thinking about when a very attractive young woman wearing a home depot uniform posted a completely normal selfie on her twitter and then when it blew up men were immediately asking “when’s the OF dropping??” and when she said “I would never make an OF” a bunch of OF creators were upset about it and acted like this woman not wanting to do it was a personal insult toward them

the way everyone felt so fucking comfortable trying to push and guilt this woman into joining OF is just another reminder that if even one woman has a price tag, the rest of us will just be seen as products that haven’t been put on the market yet