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natalyiarealite · 1 month

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tolerate it - c.s

a/n: not calling this angst but also not calling this fluff. once again, inspired by taylor swift. i have never had an original thought and i'm sure someone has done this before.

i wake and watch you breathin' with your eyes closed

almost every day for the past two years you have woken up next to chris in your shared king size bed. the room on the bed was endless but the two of you always found yourselves in the middle of the bed with all of your limbs entangled. on this particular day, chris hadn’t met you in the middle, when you woke up, his eyes were still closed as he rested on his stomach, still asleep. you watched his back rise and fall with every breath he took.

you knew he was out late last night filming with his brothers and you wanted to give him some time to sleep. whenever he was out late, he always slept until at least eleven. it was only eight so you had plenty of time to yourself. you could read a book, watch a show, anything. you got out of bed and slowly walked over to your bookshelf trying to grab a book quietly and return back to bed. when you crawled back under the covers, chris shifted his body away from you and continued to sleep. you smiled to yourself as you watched him readjust and get comfortable, he laid the way he always did when he slept. you watched his breathing slow again, realizing he had officially gone back to sleep.

hours had gone by, you had completed your book, and were now just patiently waiting for chris to wake up. it was past eleven, it was almost noon. you quietly got out of bed and slipped on some shoes and headed out of the bedroom to the upstairs. chris would be hungry when he woke up so you figured you would make your free time useful and go pick up some food. he would surely be awake by the time you got back.

i notice everything you do or don't do

when you got back home from picking up the food, you quickly headed back down to the bedroom. the house was still quiet, you assumed everyone was still sleeping but chris couldn’t be mad if you woke him up with food, he never was. when you entered the bedroom, chris wasn’t in bed. he wasn’t in the bathroom, he wasn’t anywhere. everyone had woken up and left in the amount of time it took you to go get food and come back.

you used your phone to call chris and ask him where he had gone. the phone rang and rang but he never answered. you figured there must have been a meeting you had forgotten he had. he would probably come home later and be jokingly mad at you for not waking him up for it. you walked back upstairs and put the food you got for the two of you in the fridge, he’d be hungry when he got home, you wanted to eat with him, so you waited.

an hour or two goes by before chris, matt, and nick walk into the living room where you’re sitting. you glance up, at first you’re excited to see them an talk to chris for the first time today. then your eyes meet the takeout containers in their hands. they had went out for food, after you went out and got chris food and waited for him to come home, even though you were starving.

“you guys went out?” you asked them, trying to keep your attitude in check.

“yeah. i brought you back some leftovers, your favorite.” chris smiled at you thinking he had done you a favor. leftovers, not even a whole meal.

“did you not see my text?” you asked firmly. matt and nick took this as a sign to make themselves scarce. you watched as they headed into their rooms and chris walked to put the food in the fridge ignoring your question. “i said, did you not see my text?” you asked again, slightly raising your voice.

“no i didn’t what text?” he pulled out his phone and saw your text on his screen. ‘went out to get us food, if you wake up, be back soon <3’. “oh sorry.” he didn’t even seem to actually care. he just put the leftovers in the fridge and headed back down to his room. he woke up and noticed you were gone and didn’t even care t o know where you had gone.

you're so much older and wiser

a week has passed since the food ordeal. things haven’t been the same since. there was bickering constantly. every time you tried to talk about why something was bothering you, chris would rebuttal with the fact that he’s trying his hardest. if he was trying his hardest, you would know. you wouldn’t feel like this.

it was late at night and chris had just come back from filming once again, you waited up for him, you wanted quality time after a week of feeling so distant. when he got home he didn’t come down instantly like he usually did. he stayed upstairs with matt and nick. you could hear a movie playing from the living room. as much as you wanted to start a fight about him not coming to see you, you chose to be a bigger person and just go upstairs and attempt to hang out with them.

you were welcomed onto the couch and you sat next to chris. he glanced over to smile at you but he didn’t open his arms for you to come lay on him like he usually would. instead you sat next to each other awkwardly like it was a first date.

“what’s this movie?” you asked after not recognizing anything about it in the 30 minutes you had been watching.

“you don’t know shark tales?” chris scoffs. it was a little thing he did that annoyed you. being four years younger than chris, there were certain things he would remember but you didn’t. he always made it a big deal. he thought he was better than you, wiser than you because he was older. usually he would make the big deal and explain in great detail what it meant to him. this time you were left on your own to look it up.

i wait by the door like i'm just a kid

you would think after a week and a half of not spending time with his girlfriend, chris would notice, but he never did. you had been planning this night all week, a night in the house alone while his brothers were out. he knew about this night, you had reminded him throughout the week. he knew it meant a lot to you. so it came as a surprise to you when chris had come out of his bedroom, looking nice and with a pair of shoes on.

“where are you going?” you asked getting up from the couch. you tried not to jump to conclusions.

“to this party for tara?” he questioned as if you were supposed to know. as if he you hadn't planned this perfect night. his favorite snacks, a movie, you even bought new lingerie for this.

“what about our night?” you were angry and your voice showed it.

“what?” he didn’t even remember. it’s not like he had some important thing come up, he just didn’t care enough to remember.

“this was supposed to be our night. you said you weren’t going.” you wanted to cry out of frustration. it felt like he was slipping away.

“well i am. i don’t even know what you’re talking about. i can’t be with you 24/7.” he knew his words would hurt. you were always conscience about wanting his attention. you tried not to cling on to him, you knew he hated it. you were too upset to speak. you knew if you did the tears were going to fall. “don’t wait up.” he mumbled before walking out to meet matt and nick is the car. you did wait up. you waited until three in the morning on the couch for him to come home. eyes opening with every noise you heard hoping it would be the front door opening.

use my best colors for your portrait

a few days after the party, some pictures had surfaced of chris being awfully close to other girls at this party. it was no secret to the world that the two of you were together. plenty of pictures of the two of you out on the internet encapsulating your love. those same pictures, now being used by gossip sites to clickbait the cheating rumors. you weren’t happy about the pictures but chris wasn’t that type of guy.

all of the drama was causing a lot of stress for the three boys. even their own fans had started to turn on them. chris was being painted as a villain and he hated it. things were still rocky after he forgot about your plans but he apologized the next day when he woke up just in time for dinner. even if things were rocky, you didn’t want this to destroy his life so you took it into your own hands.

you weren’t in the social media realm but you had followers from being associated with chris. you chose an unseen photo from your camera roll and of you and chris and posted it to instagram with a lengthy caption. you took your time and you thought through your words carefully. you wanted chris to be seen as the person in this picture, the person you loved. not what everyone was painting him to be.

lay the table with the fancy shit

after you took the effort to defend chris publicly, you thought things had started going back to normal. there was more time together, you had sex for the for the first time in weeks, and chris had promised to be home from a mid day filming in time to eat dinner with you. you had told matt to just drop him off and make themselves scarce. you needed this night with chris.

you cooked one of chris’ favorite meals and arranged the table so it was all set when he came home. it was nothing crazy, just something that showed effort, something that showed him you love him. you had tracked his location and saw he was almost home. you laid the food out on the table and poured him a glass of his favorite drink. you heard the front door open and close and chris walked up the stairs to the common area engulfed in his phone screen.

“hey!” you called out as he walked right past you not even looking up from his phone. he was attempting to walk straight down to the room.

“what?” he asked as he snapped his at back at you. he saw the table set and dinner on the plates. “shit sorry, i forgot. i’m really tired i didn’t sleep good last night. can we do this another time?” he’s almost emotionless when he asks. you feel your blood turn hot. the anger you have felt towards him for weeks all comes rushing to the surface.

“are you fucking kidding me chris?” you don’t even have time to stop the words from coming out as harsh as they did.

“please not right now. i’m tired.” he tries to call a truce but there is no chance you are letting this slide again.

“no chris, I’M tired. i’m tired of being the only person in this relationship putting in the effort. i’m tired of going unnoticed and unappreciated. can’t you see i’m trying?” the waterworks have already started and you’re yelling.

“don’t say that shit you’re being dramatic.” he finally puts his phone down. you learn now that yelling is the only way you get his attention anymore.

“dramatic? chris do you not see what’s happening? can you honestly say you don’t see us drifting apart?”

“yes, i can honestly say that. no cut it out. let’s just eat and go to bed.” you think that’s the first lie he’s ever told you. the two of you eat in silence and go to bed angry, for the first time ever.

while you were out buildin' other worlds, where was i?

you continued to try and get through to chris about the struggles you were having with the relationship but they all went unnoticed. he’d recently started collaborating with a group of youtubers. they would all hang out constantly and you were never invited. you had never even been officially introduced to any of his new friends. this particular night, all of them had gone out to dinner while you were left to fend for yourself at home. when you heard the front door open, you went upstairs to say hi to chris and his brothers. you had no idea they were bringing all of their new friends home.

“uhh dude there’s a random girl in your house.” you saw one of his friends turn and say to chris. chris looked quickly and saw that it was just you.

“nah man that’s my girlfriend.” he laughed as he pointed at you.

“oh shit didn’t know you had one.” one of his other new friends blurted out. your heart sank. he had been out with them numerous times and not once did he mention you. to them, you didn’t exist. you waved politely before making your way back down to the room. you thought chris might follow you but he didn’t.

where's that man who'd throw blankets over my barbed wire?

chris wasn’t always like this. he used to be someone that showed immense love for you. he was always taking pictures of you or with you. he wanted to be alone with you all the time, he wanted to constantly be loving on one another but something drastic has changed and you weren’t able to pinpoint when it happened or where you went wrong. you assumed it must have been something you did but chris was never going to tell you.

two months ago, chris would have told a stranger on the street about you, but now even his friends don’t know. you hadn’t had a rea; conversion in weeks and you didn’t see it happening anytime soon. you were someone who loved hard, so for this to be happening, it crushed you. you laid in bed alone all night, crying and reminiscing on what it used to be like with chris. it felt like you were going through a break up with someone that was still there.

i made you my temple, my mural, my sky, now I'm beggin' for footnotes in the story of your life

the next morning your feelings are still unresolved. the pit in your stomach has yet to go away and you have to talk to chris. you wait for matt and nick to leave the house to start the conversion, afraid there will be yelling and the last thing you need right now is them intervening.

“chris can we talk?” you ask as he slides a shirt on after his shower. he doesn’t respond with words, he just nods. “i feel like this isn’t working.”

“what?” he looked confused, as if you hadn’t been telling him this for weeks.

“us, i don’t think it’s working. i love you so much but i feel like you can’t say the same anymore.”

“what are you talking about? i do love you.”

“do you? chris you haven’t made an attempt to be with me and only be in like two months, it’s always me begging you to spend time with me. you don’t tell your friends you have a girlfriend, you either cancel or forget about all of our plans, it’s too much to handle. i need more out this relationship than someone to sleep next to every night. that’s not what i want for us.”

“okay, i’m sorry, i’ll do better.” that’s all he can say. you pour your heart out and all he can say is he’ll do better.

“you’ll do better? chris do you know how many times you’ve said that recently? i can’t even count on both hands and you know what happens? you never do better chris. you never change. you used to be so good to me. we used to be so good to each other. now all we do is fight. we fight, i cry, i think it’ll change and we repeat.”

“i know it’s just-” he starts but you’re so angry you don’t let him finish.

“it’s just what chris? what excuse do you have now?”

you assume I'm fine, but what would you do if i, i break free and leave us in ruins? believe me, I could do it

“i didn’t think it was this bad.” you finally see some emotion creep up onto his face.

“i’ve been telling you for weeks how i feel and you didn’t think it was serious chris? are you joking?” you ask while screaming at him. he’s known for weeks how you feel but didn’t care enough to solve anything because he knows you. he knows you love him and he knows you’re always the one to resolve the problem, but you can’t fix this. only he can. you haven’t changed, he has. you get off the bed and head towards the closet.

“please just sit down. i can fix it. it’s just been a rough couple of months. i’ve been going through-

“cut the shit chris! you weren’t going through anything! you were out at parties, meeting new people, leaving me here alone countless times. i don’t want any excuses. i can’t do this anymore.”

“what are you doing?” chris asks as you throw some of your belongings in suitcase.

“i’m leaving.” you start to cry at the idea of actually leaving but you know none of this can be fixed. you’re never going to have the chris you fell in love with back. too much damage has already been done.

“what?” he shouts as he tries to pull the suitcase away from you. “you can’t just leave. please we can work through it.”

“you say that now chris and then when the fights over, are you still going to care enough to work on it, or will things go back to the way they have been hmm?”

“please.” you can see a tear form in his eyes.

“you don’t want me anymore chris. you just don’t want to be alone. i think you’ve known that for a long time but you’re too afraid to break my heart.”

“that’s not true.” he pleads as you zip up the suitcase.

if it's all in my head, tell me now, tell me I've got it wrong somehow, i know my love should be celebrated, but you tolerate it

“tell me it’s all in my head, tell me i’m wrong then chris. tell me and mean it.” your hands are flying in the air as you give him one last chance to say the words and mean it. the room falls silent. you can see chris deep in thought about what you’ve just said. he realizes your right. he doesn’t know what happened to cause the change. he knows he cares about you and loves you but he also knows he’s not in love with you. he knows he’s looked at other girls and purposely avoided plans with you. you knew where this was going but it still hurt you that he knew you were right.

“i-” chris starts and he chokes up.

“you can’t say it can you?” your voice softens as you realize this is the end.

“it’s not that i don’t love you.”

“i know chris.”

“i don’t want you to go.”

“i have to. i have to leave because i’m still in love with you and you only love me. i deserve someone that will appreciate the way i love them, not someone who will just tolerate it.”

“i’m sorry, i never wanted this to happen.” chris was standing centimeters away from your face. he was realizing what you had realized weeks ago. there was no more you and him. it was you, and it was him. he wanted to beg you to stay, he wanted to promise he could fall back in love with you. he wanted to apologize one more time for somehow falling out of love with you. he wanted to go over the past few months and figure out what happened but he knew it was no use. there was no taking today back. what’s done is done.

“goodbye chris.” you mumbled as tears fell down your cheeks. you heard him start to cry as you walked out of your room in this house for the last time. you wished you has been wrong. maybe if you noticed what was happening sooner you could have fixed things. it was too late, this was the end. it was all over now.

tags: @greatooglymooglyyy@bernardsgff @orangeypepsi@honestlybabymiraclele@mattsmunchh @iluvm4ttsturni0l0@gnxosblog@paper-crab@blueeyedbessonesson @lacysturnioloniolo @junnniiieee07@matthewsturnioloswifeyfey @jada-lockwoodd @nonameisthegameandilovejake@st4niolos@yo123itsme@nicksmainbitch@sturnssmuts @strawberrysturniolo

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