nancysthots-blog

[nancysthots-blog]

9/6/22

randomly thought about this blog while i can’t sleep and figured an update is long overdue. let me start with the goals i set back then:

It’s time to set some new goals and I think this time I will reach for the stars:

-Make all A’s in order to bring my GPA up to a 3.4

i didn’t make all A’s but i graduated !!!!

-Find my groove in studying and stop myself from getting distracted, it is possible to get an A if I try hard enough.

again still didn’t get all A’s but do u know what we did do??? pass all 4 sections of the CPA first try

-Appreciate being alone, by feeling comfortable being alone. I don’t always have to be talking to people to be happy.

ironically enough i think this was right before covid hit so i had no other choice than to appreciate being alone. maybe even ended up appreciating being alone a little too much

-Land an internship with a Big 4 firm

this did not happen but it turned out ok ! about to start my new job next week and im kinda nervous

-Drink less boba and lose some weight (goal is 120, rn I’m around 135...) + go to more exercise classes

this definitely did not happen im currently 170 😅 but we are still working on it! i feel like getting into a routine once i start work will help me not eat when im bored but not to the point where i start starving myself again

overall, life has gotten better than the previous times ive posted on here. i do still occasionally have those days where i feel depressed and anxious but i think they happen less frequently now. right now im feeling kind of down but it’s more of me just thinking back on everything ive ever done in my life. sometimes i wish i could delete memories with people who i don’t talk to anymore because thinking about them makes me sad. or mad. or feel like i wasn’t good enough to still be in their lives. i know that’s not a good way to think about it but i find myself thinking that sometimes.

i feel like ive found my lifetime friends here and am glad to have them in my life. i never thought i would feel so secure in a friendship but here we are. sometimes im afraid that they’ll realize that im not that cool of a person and then stop talking to me. i spend too much time trying to figure out how to change myself so that people will like me that i don’t even know if i like myself. how am i supposed to expect people to like me when i don’t even like myself? i hate doing all this late night thinking because i always seem to fall into a rabbit hole of self awareness to the point where it isn’t helpful.

these thoughts aren’t organized at all

things im proud of: cpa exams and graduating -> moving into my first apartment by myself -> starting first full time job

oh yeah i also ended up getting a cat. shes a little over one right now and we found her in my friends garage when she was a month old (the cat not my friend).

im getting sleepy so let’s close this out with some goals:

-survive first busy season

-lose weight (healthy) 170 -> 140?

-make friends at new job

-start dating lol

[nancysthots-blog]

12/22/19

I think I want to keep it consistent in formatting for these posts every semester and honestly I’m surprised I still update this. It’s been around 6 months since I last posted I think and a lot has changed, but this time for the better. I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m happy with where I am in life right now but I am proud of myself for making this much progress.

FALL 2019

-Got an internship at a small tax firm where I absolutely loved the people I worked with

-Made it into the PPA program

-Reconnected with friends back at home and put myself out there in social settings

-Fell in love with having a cat and a dog in the apartment, it’s honestly helped my new apartment feel like a home. When I first moved into this one I instantly felt at home unlike the other place.

-Ended the semester with a 3.395 :-/

-got boba 88 times this year as of today (yikes)

Honestly I can’t think of any other accomplishments but this semester has been a great one despite me trying to come to terms with the break last semester. Right now I’m not particularly looking at anybody and have been wanting to focus more on myself. This semester I came to the realization that it’s possible to get great grades... I have to put in the work. These past two years I was under the mindset that professors were dicks and didn’t give out A’s but that is not true for all professors. Looking back at my previous post, I accomplished most of the goals I set for myself which makes me happy. I got an internship, in the ppa program, had some more practice speaking up in front of groups, and have gained a better understanding of people’s actions and how much I don’t actually have a role in them.

It’s time to set some new goals and I think this time I will reach for the stars:

-Make all A’s in order to bring my GPA up to a 3.4

-Find my groove in studying and stop myself from getting distracted, it is possible to get an A if I try hard enough.

-Appreciate being alone, by feeling comfortable being alone. I don’t always have to be talking to people to be happy.

-Land an internship with a Big 4 firm

-Drink less boba and lose some weight (goal is 120, rn I’m around 135...) + go to more exercise classes

I can do this. It will take a lot of willpower and perseverance. But I can do this.

[nancysthots-blog]

6/8/19

I think its no surprise that life has changed a lot in the past 6 months. I have been on Zoloft for these past six months and life has been looking up. I am currently back in my home in Austin for my lease has ended. This format may be different than the last post here but I’ll try my best to keep it consistent.

SPRING 2019

-Overcame my constant panic attacks and fear of eating (now back up to 120lbs!)

-Became more comfortable with driving around and even drove to and from Dallas a couple of times

-Went to Goodphil (drove to Arlington on my own!)

-Started talking to a boy I really liked last Spring and even got close and intimate with him 

-Started reaching out to people rather than staying at home all day and seeing it more as a time to enjoy as opposed to a chore

-Ended things with the boy after three months when I finally realized that he was just a product of my infatuation, I didn’t like him for who he truly was

-Got a job at HEB

As for the goals I have set for myself six months ago in my last post, I have since accomplished all of them. :) Yesterday I drove to downtown just for fun, my apartment started feeling like my own home (i miss it), and I am constantly asking people if they want to go out to eat with me. Its weird how at one point of my life these seemed impossible to achieve but here I am having done all of them and seeing them as normal now.

I’ve noticed that my mind has shifted this time around where I felt as if I was a background character in everybody’s lives to now feeling like a foil character. Another theme I’ve noticed is that I have been a bit worried about my love life, wondering if I will ever find someone for me here in college. I was with a boy (unofficially) for three months and I learned so much from the relationship. I learned that not everybody will have the same way of expressing care or the same mindset as me. For example I would see “Whatever you want” or “Sure” as “I don’t care enough to pick” but to someone else it may seem “i respect them and trust their judgement”. Thats maybe a bad example but im typing all of this before my laptop dies. Theres a lot more that ive learned but i put it all on my finsta so maybe it would be easier to read about it there. Anyway, lets set some new goals for the next six months.

-Get an internship

-Get into the PPA program

-Be more comfortable talking to people I don’t know

-Be able to give a speech/presentation infront of a group of people without getting overly anxious and stopping a lot of times

-Be more understanding of how people are, rather than getting upset when it doesn’t match my definition

[nancysthots-blog]

12/10/18

Again, things have change tremendously since the last time I have posted. Ever since then I have stopped Lexapro and it appears as if my crippling anxiety attacks have come back. I live in my own apartment with my friend Jeslyn and it has honestly been great. She has been so supportive despite my constant anxiety and I am so glad to have her in my life along with other friends such as Jonny, Cedric, and Eric. They have been so patient with me and I love them so much. I guess I am going to follow the same format as my last post and recap on the fall of my sophomore year here at UTD.

FALL 2018

-Moved into my own apartment 

-Elected Sponsorship Chair for VSA but then I quit mid-semester due to some creative differences

-Developed constant panic attacks again after that first week of moving in where I got food poisoning for an entire week later changing my perception of food

-Started going to a counselor on campus and dietitian to combat anxiety

-Went to my first college party (VSA Banger)

-Tried soju and one hitters

-Drove home to Pflugerville and back all by myself despite being deathly afraid of driving around the area

-Went from 130lbs (start of school semester) to 115lbs (today 12/10/18)

-Skipped church and class for the first time this semester

-I ran for an executive position in my frat and froze up/embarrassed myself but the important part about that is that I didn’t die while doing it despite being so anxious the entire day

-I began to feel comfortable with the idea of being loved. I used to feel very uncomfortable with the thought that someone loved me, because I was so scared of letting them down. My family, friends, and pamilya have taught me otherwise and I feel so grateful for them.

Even now, I am still unhappy with where I am this semester. I want to be able to conquer this anxiety once again to where I am able to be unbothered by it. I miss enjoying the taste of food and going out with friends without the worry that I might get sick. My anxiety has manifested in physical symptoms and sometimes I feel as if life isn’t worth living with this pain. But life is worth it. I have so much to look forward to. I started journaling my thoughts and I explain a lot of it in there but the basis of it is that I want to conquer it. I do not feel as close as I did to my fraternity last semester and it is something that makes me feel a little blue. I also thought that VSA was going to be my home but after this semester, that is no longer an option due to it not being what I had expected. I feel a little lost thinking about where I belong but FSA has honestly given me a home or atleast a group of friends that love me unconditionally. They have seen me at my worst and I hope that they will be able to see me at my best once I get back on my feet. Looking back, I went from being depressed to being anxious 24/7 and I honestly don’t know what I prefer, they’re both bad in their own way. I don’t want to get caught in this cycle anymore and I won’t let myself do so. Everything will be okay if I keep going on with life. I finished this book, “Hope and Help for Your Nerves” and honestly its like reading exactly what I’ve been going through along with my thought process. Hopefully, next time I decide to randomly open up Tumblr for a life update my anxiety will be more manageable and that I am in a place in life where I feel somewhat content with myself. 

Some goals I set for myself for next semester are:

-Get more comfortable with driving around (anywhere, I am a little scared to drive around Austin too)

-Establish my apartment as my “home” and safe place. Ever since I got that food poisoning the first week I moved in, this place has been a place where I am reminded of my anxiety and sometimes I feel as if there is not a place I consider my place for peace. I guess my car is a place for peace but it would be weird to just sit in there whenever I feel stressed. I still feel stressed in my car sometimes. I want my apartment to be my safe place. It is my home.

-Get more comfortable with eating and going out. I have all these people who care about me and I want to be able to hang out with them without having them worry about me. 

I have also started Zoloft 25mg today.

[nancysthots-blog]

4/24/18

Life has honestly changed so much since last time I posted. I am no longer on the birth control but I am on Lexapro to help manage my anxiety. I am currently in college and am finishing my first year. I guess we can start on a recap of my freshman year of college:

FALL 2017

-Dyed my hair

-Joined a fraternity — pledged Fall 2017

-Had a “boyfriend” for a solid 3 months (did not end too well)

SPRING 2018

-Elected a chair position in said frat

-Went to Boston for the first time

-Tried drinking (gross) and smoking the Mary Jane (dank)

I guess those are just some things that happened. I’m not very happy with where I am in my life right now but that’s okay, as long as I work to be where I want to be. It’s hard to keep having the same amount of enthusiasm for certain things and people when there is so little pay off. Lately I’ve been feeling lost in direction, as if I’m alone in this journey through college. I can’t seem to trust anybody no matter how hard I try. Every time I set expectations that are too high and get left disappointed every single time. Sometimes I get too into my mind I forget to sit down and enjoy everything going on. I need to take a breather and go at a more comfortable pace rather than jumping on to these leadership positions right when I join just because it looks good on a resume. This summer, I would like to quit taking Lexapro and figure out how to manage my stress on my own. I’m tired of taking a pill every day. I’m also tired of being tired all the time. I’ve been so bored with the things I usually love lately and sometimes I want to give up on everything I’ve created for myself. I know I have to keep on going, but for what? What is my purpose anymore? Do I need to find it myself, because I will. I just wish it would be obvious though.

[nancysthots-blog]

10/8/16

Hello again, today I'm feeling a bit down. I'm not sure if it's just the birth control making me feel this way but might as well write it down to track it. I feel like throughout my entire life I haven't accomplished anything. Tennis, social life, and school. I haven't won anything or even played much in tennis despite being on the team for 4 years. I can't really say I had a friend up until this year. School is just depressing. I don't think I'll get accepted into my dream college. I don't want to go far away from home for college but I think maybe that's the best way. Maybe I'll feel better if I move myself away to start a new life. Sometimes I think about going off the radar after college and only talk to my family. Oh my family too, I've always been the quiet one and it seems like I'm the odd one out in my family. I really wish I wasn't so socially awkward. Sometimes I think that I'm crazy and maybe that's why nobody really wants to be close with me. Sometimes I think I have a mental illness which makes me feel this way. I've always felt disconnected from everybody but maybe that's a normal thing. I want to find out if there's something wrong with me but at the same time if there is something wrong with me I'll be devastated. either way I'll be devastated. I just hope nobody thinks of me worse than they already do.

[nancysthots-blog]

9/25/16

Ughhh I feel so nauseous and sick send help

[nancysthots-blog]

9/24/16

Still feeling nauseous today, hopefully tomorrow will be better. Felt a bit irritated today with my family but that's probably just PMS ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it's been going on for a good two weeks now and I feel like I'm going to die. If a girl tells you that she's cramping and that it hurts a lot, IT HURTS A LOT. hot pflashes, nausea, pain, and mood swings are all real things. and it sucks. honestly if this is how pregnant women feel then idk how im going to survive if i ever have children. hormones are everywhere but i should be taking medicine soon hopefully. i hope my life will get back to where it was left off at the end of my junior year :) here's to hoping.

[nancysthots-blog]

9/23/16

Having a crush on somebody feels weird. Do I like you or do I like the idea of you? Do I just feel lonely? Is it because I think you're really smart? Do I just feel jealous because you've done everything I wish I was able to? I don't know. I think you're really smart and kind. I adore your passion towards all of the things you've committed to. I honestly don't know what kind of things you like, whether it be what kind of music you listen to or if you like to watch tv shows but there's something about you that makes me want to find out. Idk maybe I feel lonely and you're so nice to me. I'm not going to pursue it or anything. idk

[nancysthots-blog]

9/22/16

I felt nauseous and anxious today. Like REALLY nauseous and anxious. I wish I was strong enough to not let this anxiety get to me but I think it's just the pelvic congestion messing with my hormones if we're being honest here. I'm missing out on the livest year of high school :/ and I'm slacking in all my classes. I don't know what the future holds for me anymore. I really want to get into Red McCombs but that's nearly impossible with my grades and class ranking. A&M isn't that bad, maybe I'll go there. I just don't like being far away from home because what if I get sick? Hopefully I get through this fear of getting sick before I leave home for the rest of my life. hopefully this medication will work too.

[nancysthots-blog]

9/21/16

Today was okay.

[nancysthots-blog]

9/20/16 late night thoughts

Thinking about college is stressing me out and I really don't know how to approach my college essays. Also my grades suck right now. Today I got a 44 on my psychology test and idk what I'm doing in my life and where I'm going to go from there. I don't want to disappoint my parents or even myself but I'm still doing it. I really want to get into UT's business school but that's really hard to get into. I doubt I can get in with my grades and lack of writing skill. I don't know how people can do it. It's amazing how people can change words to create a vivid story or a poem with hidden meaning. Hopefully my senior year grades won't be the deal breaker for acceptance if they even accept me :( it's hard but I can do it. If not then that's okay too. I can always do the CAP program or go to Texas A&M for their business school. or maybe not, there are other good business schools and I don't want to go too far away from home. Maybe it would be good to get away from home, it'd be a new start. But alas, my fear of getting sick may prevent me from doing anything out of my comfort zone. Hopefully that fear will go away as soon as I feel better. I don't know what I want anymore. I feel lost.

[nancysthots-blog]

9/20/6

Today I woke up feeling anxious. It's crazy how much your mind can take over your body... I feel nauseous right now and I don't know if it's the pain I'm in or because I'm anxious. It's kind of hard to describe to people and I feel stupid for having to describe it to people so they don't think I'm as weird. Some days I cry a lot and some other days I'm fine. It's weird. I can't control it and it makes people uncomfortable which causes even more anxiety. I wish I was able to manage it better but I'm getting there. Hopefully after starting medication for the pain my anxiety will dim down a bit since I feel like it's just this imbalance of estrogen and progestin that's making me feel *this* anxious. Sometimes it feels like I'm trapped in this never ending cycle of anxiety and it prevents me from doing things I really want to. Like I'll feel a little sick and then I'll feel anxious because I feel sick and then I'll feel sick even more because I'm anxious. it's dumb i know. but it takes time to get through it. I have a fear of throwing up but that fear isn't as bad as it was last year... but it's still there. It prevents me from eating a lot and hanging out with friends. Either that or I just feel unwell because of this nutcracker syndrome pain. "oh the pain can't be that bad right?" well no it actually hurts quite a bit, imagine being on your period 24/7 and having the worst cramps and back pain of your cycle. every single day. It sucks but I mean what can I do. Anxiety is just making it worse. I dunno, sometimes I feel at ease when people tell me that it's going to be okay and when they sit near me, it gives me a general feeling of safety. But sometimes it gets me anxious, but anxiety can't hurt me. or atleast I hope so. It feels nice having friends talk to me every now and then. Things will get better over time.

[nancysthots-blog]

9/19/16

feeling pretty down today but that's okay it's normal to have those days where you just feel down. today got me thinking about my entire high school experience and i really don't know where to go from here. I haven't done anything amazing or spectacular in high school and this year is my year if this dumb nutcracker syndrome won't go away. It's a minor setback. Freshman year was kind of fun I guess, I only had residual problems from middle school, no anxiety or anything and I had no problem playing tennis. Sophomore year, I got H.pylori and to be honest it kind of ruined my high school experience. I wasn't able to play tennis for quite a while and it kind of put me spiraling into depression. Maybe it was just the h.pylori and antibiotics fucking around with my head though, I don't know. Going on antidepressants helped me a lot but I stopped them after a year because I didn't want to depend on them for long. Everything was fine after that I guess, still felt a little bit anxiety and had a few panic attacks after I went off the medication but that's just withdrawal. Junior year went by okay. I had my first serious break up and that kind of showed me how much of a problem with jealousy I had. But I'll save that for another post. I didn't have as many problems with stomach issues and anxiety before the end of it. I played some tennis matches and games but I still felt like I wasn't worthy of being on the team or anything. I still don't feel like I'm worthy of being on the team, I don't even think they care I've been gone because I don't really do much for the wins on the team anyways. But that doesn't matter, of course if you are gone from a group for a long time they're going to get used to you not being there. I don't blame them. I don't feel like I belong anywhere with any group I've been with whether it be tennis, TNTT, school, or any other thing I've been in. I feel like I'm too weird to be a part of any of that but I don't know what's weird. Maybe everybody thinks I'm too awkward or like mentally weird, I don't know. It's always been like that, I haven't had many close friends. I wish it wasn't like that. Even now I feel like I have no friends I can call "close". The person I consider one of my closest friends doesn't consider me as a close friend, or at least that's what it feels like since I feel like I'm the only one opening up in this friendship and you're just there listening. Listening is cool and I appreciate it, but this whole friendship feels one-sided when it comes to telling each other things. I hope in college I can, in a way, find myself and truly feel wanted in a group. But again maybe I just feel this way because I've been out lately and I feel left out. I mean I felt left out of those groups all those past other years so I guess that doesn't make much of a difference. It's whatever though, I don't blame them. That's the reason why I've been skipping tennis class; it's just whenever I do go I just sit there and watch everybody cracking their inside jokes and having fun together. I dunno about you but it sucks ass. I want to be a part of an inside joke someday. 😢 Senior year was supposed to be my bitch, (and it still can be!) just this whole nutcracker syndrome pelvic congestion situation is just holding me back a bit. Hey, at least with the diagnosis I understand why I've felt all that anxiety and pain whenever it gets that time of the month, apparently it's not normal to feel really dizzy and cramp really bad when it comes. who woulda knew. Anyways, today I realized all of this and it's kind of opening my eyes a bit to where my priorities should be and everything. Maybe tomorrow will be better.