myjournal2022

[myjournal2022]

9/14/2022 ; Hurst Hall Side ; 7:44 PM

These days have been so hard. I love him so much. I don’t want a pause I don’t want him to leave me i want to be with him. That’s it. That’s all my mind thinks about. 

I’m so anxious about the future and everything that comes with it. I’ve been treating myself horridly. I’m discovering that truly when I feel love I really FEEL it. I feel love in a way that makes me want to rip people’s heads off and run through the streets and scream and yell and put everything else away and burn the rest of life and just let us two standing in the ashes. 

I’m really just trying to adjust to distance. To know that this will all be okay. That we will make it through. 

And because of all of these strong fucking emotions I’m so all over the place and everything ends up translating poorly and life just feels terrible all the fucking time. 

I WANT TO BE WITH HIM I WANT TO BE WITH HIM I WANT TO BE WITH HIM I WANT TO BE WITH HIM I WANT TO BE WITH HIM I WANT TO BE WITH HIM .

[myjournal2022]

5/11/2022 ; Notting Hill Terrasse ; 2:54 PM

I just got off the phone with Kathleen in planning for our trip to London soon. Super excited for that, and to see QUEEN CHARLI AAHHHHHH. So many emotions as of late, i kinda feel like a bit of a rollercoaster in terms of my emotions and all. There’s just so much going on at a time but then again not much at all. I’m kind of in this state where there are so many emotions and turbulence while also being in a routine of like quasi domestic living. So weird.

(Aside: Just booked flight for LDN with clem and Kathleen).

But yeah no I mean, life is kind of all over the place right now. Feels like there’s nothing written on the walls yet everything all at once. Lots of anxiety lots of thoughts in my head. Lots of doubt. Lots of self reflection (which is literally every entry in this journal since I’ve been here but I guess that’s what falling in love abroad means... right?) So much of me knows that this chapter has to close soon and I have to go back to real life. That the bubble has to burst at some point. But just when I kind of build up that strength to face it all I think about Lucas. About Lille. About this fairytale on the Belgian frontier that I don’t want to end.

A lot of me wonders if, in different circumstances, if I had a real life here and I was actually French, if me and Lucas would be the same, have the same connection and passion and love. I can’t help but feel that a lot of the love comes from the fact that it feels like it’s a chapter torn out of a romance novel. I don’t know, but I don’t think I’ll ever have to. This is the only reality I’ll ever know so I guess I’ll just ride with it.

I’m also anxious about him visiting in the end of August. I’m going to have to skip classes and all. I’m going to have to do a lot of logistical planning and everything and on top of all that it’s going to be expensive... money that I literally don’t even have. And I feel so guilty continuing to spend my mom’s money willy nilly. It feels unfair to a certain extent. I feel like a sort of failure that I can’t sustain myself yet, even though I’m only 21. It feels like everyone else is so financially independent besides the spoiled rich kids and I know I’m definitely not that, but I continue to live like I kind of am. Kind of makes me feel icky. Whatever.

I don’t know I just get anxious thinking about all of this and I know the only way to fix it is to rip the bandaid off and just keep moving with my life. As much as I love my life here I know it is a moment of blissful stagnancy. Eventually I know it’s all going to have to end. But fuck I love him. And fuck I love this. And fuck I don’t want any of it to end. It’s only about a month I really have left. It’s so scary to think about but so true.

I think it all stems from me being a perfectionist. And someone once said that living a perfect life is just being able to enjoy the moments and appreciate all the things you’ve done to get to this moment. I know I deserve this and all the good that comes with it but the guilt complex is hard to break. I don’t know life just has my head spinning.

Anyway, I’ll check in later... I’m going to keep knocking things off of my to-do list.

Treat yourself kindly and accept all the love and growth that you’re going to keep receiving.

xx GC

[myjournal2022]

4/27/2022 ; Lucas’ Apartment ; 1:17 PM

June 15th. I think that’s the date that it has to be. I keep seeing and trying and fantasizing as to how I can push this whole thing further, just keep life off because this dream is too good to wake up from. I know it eventually has to come to an end, though. I really don’t like thinking about it, because my life here is so perfect. Without any semblances of stress or worry. Rose colored lenses have never been so frequent or powerful in my life... it’s crazy what love can do to your mind. Somehow being here, with this man in my life, makes me feel more in touch with myself and my own emotions. Everything just feels right.

But I know that life has to keep going. And I hope that in the future he ends up somewhere in my life. God heartbreak is going to be so so so hard to deal with.

The next couple of weeks are all planned out for the coming month and a half and I’m extremely excited. Lots in store. I’ll check back in a bit.

[myjournal2022]

4/8/2022 ; Lucas’ Apartment ; 1:56 PM

What if love was the most arbitrary and unstandardized feeling. What if everyone feels love in a scale so large in size that it is essentially impossible to classify one person’s love as actual love for anyone else in the entire world?

I think I’m going insane and I’m in love

[myjournal2022]

2/21/2022 ; My desk ; 9:54 AM

It’s been a month jesus christ. My b. but like life’s been good.

Concept: I’m gonna look through my camera roll since the last journal to jog my memory. short little snippets of everything since then in order. digest everything in real time (ish)

Well also first... I literally feel sOOO much less anxious here which is literally so nice. I feel like the dust is finally starting to settle a bit more which just feels so absolutely fucking terrific. Anywho... the night after I wrote the last journal i had a great night at Kathleen’s house for a little basement impromptu type party and it was v cute. Day after sun was out and birds were chirping and I had a great loaf of bread from my little corner bakery... kinda stellar. 

Then i went to paris with caroline! great time for the first part of the trip the second part just got a bit awkward because I think we spent too much time in the city to begin with but also she got sick :///// which fucking blew but like whatever what can you fucking do. OMG also the MOST AWKWARD DINNER OF MY LIFE. stupid cesar I will NEVER GO BACK THERE AGAIN. like literally left running have never felt more fucking uncomfortable in my liFE as a result of  other human beings. class conscious as fuckkkkkkk. anywho yeah paris was a trip but it was good it was also just nice to be around caroline again i missed that gal. 

and yeah like literally right after that i went to edinburgh. like literally spent 2 split seconds in lille and then hopped on my ryanair flight <3. also... edinburgh is really fucking cool but super fucking cold and windy and rainy. like i understand why the history there is so fucking miserable because with weather like that i would also just execute people left and right. but yeah no edinburgh definitely exceeded expectations. i did start reaching a bit of a head with kathleen during some of the trip though, i think we can’t be together for too long because if not we’ll start to get on eachother’s nerves a tad. it was nice that caroline was there though to kind of break the tension a bit. yeah highlights:

- getting hit on in the club by the most annoying motherfucker in the world

- the fucking insane hike i did in my DOC MARTEN CHELSEA BOOTS

- the last meal i had there was so good

- whiskey 

and then that kinda brings me to the last couple of days since ive been back in lille. (not really couple of days more like last 4/5 days but whatevs). i literally spent them all with lucas. like i was sick through some of it (like really sick through some of it) and when we would kiss my nose would start running but he wouldn’t care because he’s literally the sweetest most adorable human being ive met in a long time. like i’m fully falling in love. and i know it. and it’s really nice. my walls are down which is scary but so exciting. i think honestly he’s going to be the best thing that is going to come out of this abroad experience. i get really anxious thinking about the future with him because.... you know... fucking circumstances and i don’t like feeling like there’s an expiration date on this thing that’s going on in my life so i’m really just taking it day by day. but like,,,, he’s really seriously teaching me how to like love again and how to let myself be loved. he’s showing me that i CAN be loved which is so cool. he’s so cool. and i think he’s exactly what i need right now. like literally breathing gets short when i think about him. and my lips cant help but turn upward into a little smirk. 

also i got him sick and i don’t think he really minds which is cute. i dont know i just haven’t felt this way in so long. love is cool. it feels theraputic.

anywho... it’s a cloudy day here and i have so much fucking work to do so i’m gonna go get a head start on my day. i have so much to do UGH. 

PS i submitted rangel everyone say a fucking wish and a prayer that I get a spot. it’s everything i would ever need. truly. <3. 222 angel numbers idk im manifesting in every plane that i get it. 

keep doing you,

GC

[myjournal2022]

1/29/2022 ; My Desk ; 20:55

Heyyyyyy,

Quick little update on everything going on. Met a guy, he pretty cool, he pretty cute. Spent the night at his for the first time last night and it was definitely very fun... he very very cute. My little french fling for the time being. Anywho, now I’m just at home kind of just waiting until I go to Kathleen’s for a little soiree at her house with her roommates and some other international students. I’m excited to start getting to know some other international students because I feel like I’ve been lagging behind, but then again... the grass is always greener right. 

Surprisingly, I’ve been doing a pretty good job at like keeping a sane head while maintaining a MUCh smaller circle here than what I’m used to. Since like 16 I’ve always been surrounded by someone so it’s nice to see that I can do just fine without the chaos of like always having to do something/be with someone. Idk... it’s interesting.

Anyway, the subject matter that prompted this quick little journal post. So I’m just chilling in my room, just scrolling through the socials as I normally do (my screentime is definitely so high I need to go find a book or something to read). But yeah I’m scrolling and I see the same stream of “i’M AbROad!!!” posts from all the AU heads I follow and my knee-jerk reaction was: damn, I should post something soon just to show everyone else that I’m also having a good time. WHICH IS SO FUCKED. and like this wasn’t a one-second thought like I pondered “ok... i’ll post by xx date when i have xx amount of pics and blah blah balh” like I WAS PLANNING IT OUT. Like i know i’m gonna end up posting (bc duh) but like jesus not everything has to be so calculated!!!! and curated!!! i don’t have to prove anything to anyone!!!! If i’m ok, then guess what? I’M OK!!!!!!! this is literally why i hate this culture of “thriving” like i actually would be so fine if that word was erased from the english language. i feel like with social media (especially when i got to college) the word of choice to indicate that i’m doing good is “thriving” which has so much PRESSURE attached to it. Like fuck guys am i really supposed to be radiating 24/7 and shitting glitter and sparkles and rainbows and happiness and cupcakes always forever and ever and ever no matter what ever in the universe! like oh my god i’m so tired of social media for that reason and the whole “make insta casual again” movement has done nothing to help it. we went from posed and filtered attitudes to quirky and silly atttitudes. like idk but i do know that it reads the same but just in a different fucking font. like i cannot wait for the day that i just really stop giving a fucking shit about my socials because god it’s so exhausting. and it’s so much easier said than done to just leave it or take that mental space and use it for like idk literally anything else more productive. guess i’m just a product of my time but whatever (ew that’s so pretentious but i;m gonna keep it bc that’s legit how i feel).

yeah so to emma who texted me : “hi imy and hope you’re thriving” my response goes as follows:

miss u too. i’m so happy that i’m here and i hope you’re doing good too but who is ever fucking thriving all the time? there r ups and there r downs no matter where i am or what i do i am a fucking human being no news is fucking good news so yes im doing fucking grand whoopee take the thriving somewhere else pls :) 

[myjournal2022]

1/24/2022; MY BEDROOM!!!! ; 21:19

WOOOOOOOAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Ok first of all... my last journal entry was so sad oh my god. Adjusting is HARD!! Especially when you are in a new place and you’re trying to keep the same social systems that you’ve been used to while simultaneously being housing insecure (???????) It has made me realize 2 things:

a. I cannot even begin to imagine the struggle that the housing insecure face on a day to day basis. I was in such a specific situation of housing insecurity and even knew that there would be an end and that everything would become resolved but STILL! It was absolutely such an attrocious experience and it makes me really empathize with people that are all across the housing insecurity spectrum

b. When you move somewhere new,,, things are gonna change so so so drastically! Like I thought I could just transfer over everything I’ve known in DC for the past few years and resume it in France as if it would just be a change of background on a green screen. Not the case at all. And I’m making my peace with that. With every day that goes on I come to find out that yes, I do kind of have a preference for the comfort I know in the US but it’s just because it’s comfort. And right now, it’s ok to be uncomfortable (to some extent). But yeah... I’m really starting to make my peace with the fact that my life is just going to be so different living here compared to the states. And I’m excited for my mind to grow through it all.

Anywho, now that I’m in a home and in a clearer headspace (whew!) let’s clear some things up. First, the roomates aren’t bitchy, I just stayed out later than they did and they made the plan impropmptu while I was in some French man’s basement. Speaking of “some french man” I’ve gone on my first couple of dates with a frenchy and it’s kinda goin well. He a cutie. Have yet to sleep with him but even if it doesn’t manifest that way I would honestly just be happy keeping him around as a friend. 

ALSO! I HAVE A MOTHERFUCKING ROOM. YAY.  In the next post I’ll include the first couple of pics I took from my window but it’s just so nice to have a space that I can properly call my own. Like with the lavender coming from the scent diffuser and a closet and all of those little amenities that make 21st century living almost worth it. Everyone is gonna be officially moved in tomorrow which is also going to be very very nice. But yeah. Althought she’s still under construction she still a cutie lil thing. Just very excited to get my life kinda goin here. 

What I did today: Not a whole lot. Moved in. Got my life together. 

What I have to do: A whole lot. Get my shit together. School. Travel? IDK. Actually let me make a little list just because the thoughts are zipping

List:

Call for Bank acct

Plan rest of sem

Travel to Paris and beyond (?)

Get tape and Hamper

Shop for new pair of black jeans + sweaters

Follow up on recommendation letter stuff? For Rangel?

Start internship search stuff

Yeah IDk lots of life moving. Happy to say that it’s goin in a better direction though. Happy to be alive. Happy to have a room!

Xo and treat yourself well,

GC

[myjournal2022]

1/16/2022 ; Best Hotel ; 6:08 PM

Hhahahahahahahahahahahaha we’re back to being in such a weird spot...

I had a decently good weekend. I went out on Friday night to some bar and ended up meeting with that French guy Alex again and a couple of his other friends. Ended up having a weird little “after-party” sitch down there with 3 other Brazilian SP kids and.. idk I was very ready to leave by the time it was time I got tired. That Brazilian girl Laura is really nice though, I should ask her to coffee sometime soon. 

Yesterday I just went to sushi with Kathleen at a small Japanese restaurant round the area. Not a bad time, we had a nice bottle and a nice meal and it really solidified that I’m happy to have her around here. 

Buuuuuttttt.... today I woke up and there’s like very little to do here on Sundays. Plus it was rainy again :/ so I was in my room for a lot of the day. I really haven’t interacted with anyone in basically 24 hours by this point. It’s... a lot to deal with, especially sense it’s not by choice that I’m not interacting with anyone. Today’s like kinda the first day that I’m feeling actually depressed in this room. It is really starting to get to me and I don’t know how much longer I can just stay cooped up in here. Plus... Instagram is like my favorite passtime which is having such abysmal effects on my mental health it feels so awful. Everyone is posting these highlight reels of their lives abroad thus far and I feel like I can’t even bring myself to take a fucking picture most of the time. OH and my roommates traveled altogether yesterday to Belgium and not even the courtesy pity invite was extended... so yeah im feeling fucking fantastic right now. Fucking thrilled. So happy to write this entry.

Anyway I’m going to bed early tonight and getting off the phone ASAP. I don’t think I can listen to People I’ve Been Sad by Christine and the Queens another round.

[myjournal2022]

1/14/2022 ; Sciences Po Library ; 11:03 AM

Hey Hey!

The last few days have honestly been kind of great. A lot better than the days prior. I went out!!! Made new friends!! Made me so happy that I was able to like... do that!!!! Friends from all over too, French, Latin American, etc. etc.

I'm just happy I've been able to stay busy and keep my mind occupied. Plusssssss.... it's supposed to be like 3 days until I move into my actual house (thank god, fingers r crossed that they adhere to the deadline that was proposed originally).

Anywho yeah after going out on Wednesday and ending up at that French guy's apartment with his friend I've just felt a lot better. Like there's a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. You know moving abroad is a lot harder than expected!? Especially when you only really know one other person and the other is really sweet but you're just not as close. Idk anywho... it made me happy to be able to meet new people. ALSO! FKA Twigs released a new project and it's so fucking good (so unrelated but it literally just came out and I've had it on repeat all morning).

I wonder what happens tonight, my first true Friday in this little city. I know of a couple of plans but I'm hoping I end up with the group from Wednesday instead of my roommates all night. They're so so super sweet but like... last night we went out to dinner and it was just so so awkward. Like they're so sweet but idk... a bit more reserved? I know everyone's different but sometimes conversation felt like pulling teeth. I don't wanna do that again it like is so 1000000% the worst I feel like it takes so much from me mentally. But also we're gonna be like actually drinking so idk we'll see what happens. I feel like it'd be in my best interest to hang out with them a bit tonight just to... you know... actually hang and get to know them. But we'll see.

Anywayyyyyy yeah I think those are all the updates I have for now. Go get some work accomplished (stop procrastinating your fellowship/internship stuff) and wishing you all the best this weekend. Hopefully I move in super super soon because I am TIRED of living out a damn suitcase (shit's got me so fucked up).

xx

GC

[myjournal2022]

1/12/22; Sciences Po Library ; 12:37 PM

This is just me procrastinating honestly. I have to do a bunch of stuff to settle my internship/fellowship stuff but I seriously just don't want to do anything "productive" right now so here I am... journaling and taking care of my mental health. How dare I, truly. But yeah... I'm in the library! First time and it's so cutie. Found a little private-ish nook on the second floor with comfy chairs. (There is a man completely ripping apart newspapers in front of me, though, which is kind of annoying with all the sound he's making).

*Sets airpods to noise cancelling*

*Plays Blond album from start to finish*

Anywho, I'm settling into the hotel fine-ish now. A lot better than at the start oh my. That place can very easily double for an isolation chamber and no one should spend more than 3 consecutive waking hours in such an environment. I'm also just at so much more ease now that I kind of saw the house yesterday, albeit unfinished. Like, there's a sense of security in knowing that I am going to be living in a room that isn't this fucking hotel. (I literally don't know how my roomates have been doing it for literally 2 weeks now... woulda gone absolutely mental).

Not gonna lie... I am a bit homesick for DC. Like... I am just so comfortable there and I know everything and... idk... there's so much power in that. I'm trying to make peace with the vulnerability of being in a new place. I'm trying to romanticize the awkward moments... embrace the initial interactions with new people... learn how I move in each of these scenarios. It's hard though... it's definitely a new experience, especially when we aren't in an environment where I'm most at ease; I'm on someone else's home territory. Idk... it's just a weird time but I'm adjusting slowly but surely.

On my walk here earlier I realized that a good way to start to feel acclimated is to keep a bit of consistency, no matter where I am. A) Continue working on what I already know. Makes me feel like I'm doing something instead of just vegetating. B) Stay productive. I'm joining a gym! It'll make up for the lack of part time job. C) Make lists.

Perhaps it's all a part of the poison that I've been fed about grind culture and the constant need for productivity. But..... I will say that it does provide me a sense of solace. Also... music. Music makes me feel so at peace. Music that takes me back to a specific time. Music that makes me feel lighthearted. Music that uplifts me. It's such a beautiful thing. Nothing too experimental... that's reserved for when I'm truly comfortable in a specific environment (i.e. Arca @ Fess).

IDk.... so many thoughts. Ok I'm gonna start working because eventually my hunger's gonna push me to go grab something to eat soon.

Treat yourself with kindness and wishing you all the best,

GC <3

[myjournal2022]

1/10/22 ; Hotel Room in Lille, FR ; 8:23 PM

So... abroad! This is... like... so weird for so many reasons. Well first, because I don't really have a solid home base yet and I've been in this hotel for a bit now and its modest, small little room and such. I'm trying to get outside to go and not be in this room for so long but it's so hard sense school's not in session and I haven't really met a ton of people yet. Classes start tomorrow, though, which has me kind of excited but also a bit nervous. Still, that'll be good because it'll give me reasons to get out of the hotel. (7 more days please God may this week go by quick.)

I'm getting used to a lot of uncertainties. A lot of discomfort. I mean I really am playing a bit out of my league here but I hope that I start to settle in soon and meet some people I can actually see myself being friends with. Everyone's nice thus far but IDK it's been so little time here and so much of it's been consumed by Kathleen and the fam.

I'm so happy she's here. I have a home base which makes me feel so ridiculously at ease it's crazy. I can't imagine just doing this all on my own.

Alright, I'm gonna call mami then go to bed early... tomorrow's an early start :?

I'll update soon.

Treat yourself kindly, there's so much to come <3 <3

GC

[myjournal2022]

1/3/22 ; My bedroom in SP, NJ ; 11:30 AM

Hey! Happy New Year. This is going to be extremely awkwardly written until I fall into a rhythm I feel. So whatever future iteration of me is reading this take it easy on this version of me. Anyway, yeah it's a new year and a very momentous one as well. I'm getting prepped to move away the farthest I ever have for the longest amount of time. A new city, in a new country, in a new continent, with new languages, people, cultural customs, etc.

Yes, the whole COVID thing has delayed the process by a little bit but it's ok. Gives you more time to mentally fortify yourself. Now you know that when you go you'll be 100% ready (or as close to that as I'll get).

Not to self: you X I (Check)

So yes, in a few days time when the logistics all figure themselves out I'll be on a plane on the way to study at Sciences Po and spend my first half of the year there. Kind of insane. I'm beyond excited, though.

I'm excited on lots of different levels, but I'm most excited to see what this time overseas really teaches me about myself. What truths about my being transcend the tests of borders and tongues and customs. I'm interested in pushing myself in healthy ways to see what I can really achieve in this lifetime without pushing myself to crazy limits. There's going to be so much growth this year I can feel it, I'm going to grow mentally and physically and emotionally and really push everything a bit more to challenge myself as best I can. That's why I'm so excited to keep this journal... to document all that growth organically, along with whatever else ends up in this little digital notebook. A time capsule to keep track of my throughout 1 singular calendar year. I'm thrilled for what's to come. Here's me welcoming me, formally, to what's in store.

With lots of love and light,

GC