myasylum

[myasylum]

each year i watch as their birthdays pass by. I wish them a long life while they remain dead to me.

[myasylum]

if I could shake hands with the river I would ask it to flow through the jungle but leave out the sacred figs. for my childhood lives in the trunks and prances around the twigs.

if I could shake hands with the storm I would ask it to turn northwest, near the lamp post for my childhood awaits, under the light hiding from the darkness.

if I could shake hands with the gods I would ask them to come down and help me gather the remnants of my girlhood.

if I could if I could if I could.

if I could i would sell my soul to the devil wishing you'd stay, wishing you'd look back once more before you disappear near the doorway. I think a lot about what I could do don't I ? I think I should just turn my face away.

[myasylum]

a friend asked me "what do you want?"

another said "it's all about your perspective"

what if I say I don't really want any of it at all? what if I don't want a house of my own, a car or even a lifelong partner? what if I don't want my friend back or make new ones? what if I don't want to be worth their time respect and love? what if I don't wanna be consistently content or well off?

what if all I want is to be okay with everything that happens to me and my being? i don't want someone to bring me the moon and the stars, I want to breathe in the dust and sit covered in it and still be fine with it. i want to know that everything's okay even if nothing's alright. i want the tree in our garden to grow even when it bears no fruit. what if I just want to accept things as they are? could they render me that prowess?

[myasylum]

tell me about yourself

I'm fond of flowers, i spend hours listening to music and thinking about what could've been. i don't like starters, sometimes I wish I could skip to the desserts. similarly I don't like sitting through the entire movie, I like knowing the ending beforehand. I get scared at the thought of needles but secretly like how they feel when pierced into my skin. i hate it when people spell my name wrong. I love it when I write. after a long day I like coming home to find my mother resting. I'm curious about my neighbor's parrot that always has something to say. I like meowing back to the white cat that comes often to my doorstep. i love love. I miss my friend. i need a huge bowl of strawberries so that I can make batches of jam for my loved ones. i need something to hold onto , something that i wouldn't have to share, something that is mine, all mine.

[myasylum]

i want you to look at a box of strawberries and think of me

i want you to know me. i want you to know which room i prefer to sleep in. i want you to know why i cut my own hair instead of trusting the hairdresser ; why i think of my dad whenever i see a brown cow outside, why i need to curl up into a ball when i sleep. i want you to know how i like my noodles and sandwiches (with ketchup, yes ik it's conventionally weird). i want you to know the answer to "do you know where she might be?" or "would she like this?" or "when is her mother's birthday?".

"is she kind?" she tries. "is she worth it?" a million times.

i want you to look at me and see a book that you've read over and over again but never got bored.

[myasylum]

i’m tired of being this version of myself. i do not wish to be sweeter, kinder and softer. i want to scream and scream, spill red ink everywhere, 

[myasylum]

time

we both want the same thing from each other. but in a slightly different manner. he wants time away from me and i want time with him. he says he will heal and come back to me a better man. what if it's too late when he does come back? what if the universe decides to conspire against us in the meantime?

he thanks me for my patience, i offer him kindness despite having my heart squeezed right in the palm of his hand. i want him to come back but how long can i keep the door open for him to decide he's finally the man i deserve. he did not ask me to wait. he says he's scared of ruining me.

once he had asked me to hold him close to my heart, so i did. i have this thing. i can't let go of people i want to take care of. he's someone i want to help. maybe he will come back one day. maybe he will never look back. maybe he will never be the better man.

[myasylum]

my friend , my temple , my mural , my sky - ts

she's the one i'd peel oranges for, the one i'd wait for while she ties her shoelaces, the one i'd stay awake for the entire night , the one for whom i'd be an accomplice to murder. i call myself her friend. i'm the one she'd take a last look at before leaving but would never ask to come along, the one she'd tell stories to about the storm but never ask for dry clothes, the one she'd always call 'home' but never care enough to visit the abandoned bungalow.

she's all that a friend could be, to me. i'm all that i could be.

[myasylum]

11am. by the river. the place in calcutta that has heard the most clicking sounds of camera shutters. the entire city knows her, she takes pride in her riverfront steps leading to the muddy water, her lovers in their 20 something sing in dulcet tones; lyrics that describe the lost love, distant yet so near. the daybreak might be her favorite time, she sings along to the splash and plash of the river as the younger generation plunge into the water, head foremost while the older townsfolk descend slowly down the steps. leaves rustle while the birds flutter and hover all around. when you look closely it seems like a painting, sometimes the sky helps color the canvas in pinks and violets.

[myasylum]

it feels lonely again, but it's not sad this time. it is simply hard, yet bearable. guess i'm used to it, gloom suits me. aloneness suits me. i'm all good but my insides have been as hollow as space for a long long time. as i've said before i desperately need a second breath in my room, a distant footstep that grows louder as a fellow human traces her way back to me. i write a lot in first person, maybe because it feels safer not to make an assumption about another person and suggest that they are as miserable and self destructive as i am. when i talk about myself in particular on grounds of being ungrateful for all i have, i feel no one will blame me for complaining. so i take it all out on the keyboard. now i feel bad for the keyboard.

a bow and arrow. the arrow is released and seems to be heading towards me. i'm immobile, stubborn, stupid and miserable. i'm miserable, that's it.

[myasylum]

and when the boat begins to sink i won’t jump off it. instead i’ll make room for the water to engulf me within itself. they say “let life happen to you”. even drowning is a part of life. realising you left the life jacket at home is also a part of life. losing connections and severing bonds you believed to be a forever kind, getting dragged into the shady darks corners only to be berated, being pushed into the shark infested waters by your friend, it’s all a part of life. so i’ll let it happen to me. i’ll let life with all its vices and foible happen to me.

[myasylum]

imagine having no one to say goodbye to. the dearth of a person whose face you’d like to see for one last time, hug one last time and touch one last time. how miserable one must feel when whatever they say bothers them, is considered their fault. it must be sad when one feels something they never thought they’d have to feel. there’s no solution to gloom and sadness, you need to accept it the way you welcome happiness. what comes shall pass and if it doesn’t it will surely fade with time.

[myasylum]

it is no longer scary. it has become somewhat innocent and nostalgic. gives me comfort like toffees from my younger days, smells like flowers my grandmother used to bring me. she would always save the biggest and prettiest jasmines for me. i used to rest my head on her lap in the evening when she would have  colloquies with her confidantes and chew betel leaves. if i could i would’ve stored the scent of her skin and the leaves all in a bottle. sadness feels like these evenings from my childhood, i can not go past it without taking in a whiff. i feel comfort in misery; in desolation and rejection.

[myasylum]

That moment when you're simply hanging out by yourself on the terrace and the sky suddenly turns pink and you just lie there with nothingness, yet hundreds of thoughts crowd your mind but slowly they become pale , and then you close your eyes for a second and open them just to find the peach turned lilac, eventually mollifying your heart in the sweetest way nature ever could.

[myasylum]